If you’re anything like me, brother, you’re probably pretty hard on yourself.
I’ve noticed that a lot of us are pretty hard on ourselves even after we start gaining a hold on our out-of-control behavior. We spent so many months and years consumed by pornography and compulsive sexual behavior that it’s difficult to look at how our lives panned out.
I remember I hated myself when I was still struggling with my behavior. I was very hard on myself because I’d become the type of guy who said I’d do something but never followed through. I was also the type of guy who could see that I was doing something that was hurting me but I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
I can’t tell you how many times I promised myself that this would be the last time, that it wasn’t going to happen again. Then I would relapse and end up back where I started, or in an even worse place, over and over again. Eventually, I lost trust in myself because I continued doing this week after week, month after month, year after year.
Imagine depending on someone who tells you they’re going to do something, but whenever the time comes they have an excuse. Every single time you need them they let you down. This person you depend on has some reason or another to let you down each time you look to them to follow through.
It’s pretty hard to love this sort of person especially when the things they mess up are important to you. But that’s exactly the type of person that many of us believe ourselves to be. We’ve let ourselves down time and time again so we’ve lost faith in ourselves over the years.
You have to build that faith and trust back up if you want to be successful in your reboot. It’s not easy at the beginning when you have little reason to believe that this time will be different, though. One tool you can use to get yourself through these lulls in belief is self-compassion.
The idea of being compassionate with yourself might sound silly or even impossible. You might think it’s cheesy or woo-woo science. But today I ask that you leave behind whatever preconceived notions you have about self-compassion.
I started using a very specific technique to practice self-compassion in my life. Think about the way your grandmother views you. If you don’t have a grandmother around, consider the typical ways grandparents treat their grandchildren.
More often than not, grandparents don’t carry the burden of raising their grandchildren so there’s some space between them and that responsibility. This is why you see the stereotype of grandparents who spoil their grandchildren; they love endlessly and often lack the weight that comes with raising you themselves.
Think of the compassion your grandmother or grandfather holds in their heart for you. They have so much love, compassion, and forgiveness. They want what’s best for you and want to see you do well. No matter the mistakes you make, your grandparents will continue loving you through it.
I still struggle with the self-compassion aspect of my reboot to this day. It’s not easy to cut myself some slack or give myself a break. I expect myself to be a high performer at all times. So I adopted this practice of viewing myself as my grandparents would in the last few weeks. I’ve been working on it as a way to allow myself to be more compassionate toward myself.
When I look at myself as a grandparent would, I feel endlessly loving and forgiving. I feel like I wouldn’t give up on myself. I would be patient with myself. No matter what happens, I would always find love for myself despite the circumstances.
I’d love for you to try this out and let me know what you think. If self-compassion is difficult for you to achieve like it is for me, this practice may be useful for you, too. After trying it for a few days, hop over into our Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot Facebook group and let us know about your experience!
“I’m struggling not to relapse right now. I need some help.”
“I’m tempted to masturbate right now but reaching out to stay accountable.”
“I find this so difficult and challenging. The urges are overwhelming.”
The comments and messages I receive most frequently on our YouTube channel or in our groups are along these lines. If you’re one of those brothers who can relate to these types of statements, your old habit pattern is to struggle. It’s to use willpower to keep your behavior under control.
But these are exactly the types of old habit patterns you need to let go of to successfully reboot. I want you to ask yourself, what exactly is the struggle? I even use the phrase in my send-off on our podcasts, referring to myself as your brother in this struggle. So what is the struggle?
From what I’ve seen over the years, the struggle is your fight on how to stop porn addiction by relying on willpower. It’s finding an accountability partner and leaning hard into them instead of taking responsibility for your behaviors and your life. It’s the way you battle your biology while trying to reboot instead of working with your brain. These bare minimum approaches will keep you trapped forever.
The Porn Reboot system is just that, a system. It’s set up to keep you from relying on your willpower. It’s a system that teaches you to overcome your addiction by working on yourself instead. It removes the emotional toll that a struggle implies and instead offers you a clear, direct path to a life free from porn and compulsive sexual behavior.
For example, I see men who come in and put a lot of weight into their slips or relapses. They get all worked up and consumed by what relapse means in their mind. But the Porn Reboot system doesn’t turn them into emotional experiences; slips are data, plain and simple.
The longer you hold onto this habit of a struggle mindset, the longer you’re going to struggle. Viewing your reboot as something excruciating and impossible will keep it that way so long as that’s the way you view it.
I suggest that you shift your perspective on your journey toward a porn-free life. Your process doesn’t need to be a struggle. Applying the Porn Reboot system to your life is a straightforward way to leave your compulsive behaviors behind.
Here’s the way I see it, brother. You are worthy of love. You are capable of giving love. You are not worthless. You are not hopeless. You are not incapable of rebooting. You don’t have to struggle because you’ve stumbled upon a way to overcome your behavior in a way that works with your mind.
At some point during the reboot process, single brothers in the Porn Reboot program are going to begin dating.
Some methods for overcoming porn addiction have you holding your seed and abstaining from intimacy for long periods. I disagree with that, though. I believe that having an outlet for your romantic and intimate needs is a very normal, healthy progression.
It’s not good for you to hold yourself back from intimacy or connection with the women around you. That’s a one-way ticket to sexual repression which is another serious problem. Learning to date in a healthy way during your reboot is a vital part of the process. You need to begin working on building relationships with women in a positive way.
Now if you’re a single man who’s been focused strictly on his reboot for months, getting into the dating game probably makes you feel a bit nervous. Dating in today’s world does come with its challenges and you might find yourself in a tough situation. If you’re early in your reboot, you might have no idea how to have a normal conversation with the opposite sex.
Don’t worry, no matter how extreme your out-of-control behavior is, you’re never too far gone. You can rebuild an amazing and active sex and dating life regardless of how far your behavior progressed. It will take some work but that’s what the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot system is here to do. So, how can you get back to dating during your reboot?
1. Figure out whether you’re ready to date
In my experience, I recommend that a man has his behavior under control for at least 6 to 12 months before beginning to date. During that time you should be actively working on bettering yourself, not just using willpower to keep your behavior at bay.
You should have different areas of your reboot capital built up, should be aware of your triggers, and should have strong boundaries in place. These are things that take a few months to set up, not a few weeks. If these things aren’t in place, you aren’t ready to date.
2. Put together a dating plan
Once you decide that you’re ready to date, you should approach dating like you do other major life changes during your reboot: with a plan. Of course, different men’s plans will vary according to their lifestyle and what they want. But having a plan in place for your particular situation, lifestyle, and wants will help you out.
Where will you find your potential dates? How often should you see them before having sex? What will you do to reflect on your dates and determine whether this person is someone you actually want to continue seeing? And who will be your accountability partner or partners during the dating process?
3. Date without expectations
Building up expectations for your dates puts you on the fast track to disappointment and letdown. That’s not to say every date you go on will be miserable, but it’s also a reminder that not every date will be something you’re interested in. Keeping a hold of your emotional balance is critical and dating without expectations is an important way to do that.
Take time to get to know the women you’re dating. Having sex with women you aren’t in a committed relationship with will always put your reboot at risk. Slow things down and take the weeks or months needed to determine whether this woman is someone you’re actually interested in.
4. The dating process is not about sex, nor strictly about finding a partner
I know this might sound counterintuitive but trust me on this one. Early in your reboot, the main point of dating is to go out and literally practice meeting people. If you’ve struggled with porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior for years, you’re going to need that practice.
Go out and have a good time with some different women. Observe how you react emotionally during the process. Be honest with yourself when reflecting on the experience after you get home. You might even find out that you’re not quite ready for dating yet. You’re simply on a fact-finding mission at this point.
5. Have some standards
In the past, you probably would have slept with anyone who gave you the time of day. You weren’t very concerned about the types of women you were with, you only cared about whether you could score at the end of the night. Now that you’re rebooting, though, it’s a different story.
Today you need to have standards, brother. Once you drop your focus on sex, you begin to notice how uninteresting many of the women you saw before were. You’re much less interested in interacting with toxic women. You can begin to determine how you’d like to be treated and find a woman who meets those needs.
Get Some Support Along the Way
One of the most important things to keep in mind is you shouldn’t head into dating alone. Trying to manage your dating life during your reboot without any support is a disaster waiting to happen. Get yourself in the middle of a group of men, like we have in the Porn Reboot Facebook group, who know exactly what you’re going through.
The more you surround yourself with support, the better your experience will be. You’ll have men who you can talk to when you’re having a difficult time with dating or you feel like you’re at risk of slipping. Dating during your reboot doesn’t have to be an impossible feat, brother. It’s a natural part of life and you can do it with the right support and approach!
If you’re an entrepreneur, own your own business, or work in a top sales job, you know that your revenue and income depend entirely on your performance.
That’s it. If you’re clear-headed, energized, and motivated, you’ll do well. If you’re foggy, tired, and irritable, your performance deteriorates and so does your income.
When you’re an entrepreneur or sales pro who struggles with out-of-control sexual behavior or pornography addiction, you’re likely in the second category more often than you want to be. It’s exhausting to battle compulsive sexual behavior and porn addiction. These things consume most of your attention and time, leaving you with little time to do much else.
The dollar difference between these two states of mind can be anywhere from tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars for men in these high positions. Think about your situation. How much money do you lose out on because you leave it on the table working at a 6 out of 10 instead of a 9 out of 10?
This segment of men in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot program is important to me because it’s where I came from. I wasn’t a top performer at my sales job for the years I spent trapped in the cycle of porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. But my performance skyrocketed the moment I finally said no to pornography for good.
I became a top recruiter in the sales organization I worked at within a few months of ending my behavior. A few years later, my company promoted me to a director position. Even with that position, I was still out in the field, selling alongside my team, and making thousands in additional revenue from the commission.
I credit that mindset, the clarity and focus that allowed me to perform at that high level, to the porn-free life I finally found myself living. I wouldn’t have been able to remain focused and maintain the level of intensity and dedication I need to live my life at this level.
The problem with pornography addiction is the secretive nature of the problem. Men who battle alcohol or drug addiction have a harder time hiding their struggles. It’s easier for them to get help because family or friends tend to intervene after a certain point. But that’s not always the case with porn or compulsive sexual behavior.
At the same time, the impact of porn addiction is just as bad, if not worse, especially for high-performing professional men. It can destroy your life before you even realize what happened. I’ve seen it time and time again in men who join our program.
So I have some questions for you. Do you want to perform better? Do you want to skip years of struggle straight to the breakthrough? If you do, it’s time to remove pornography from your life. It’s holding you back from performing at the level you need to be at. You can’t fulfill your potential when you’re wrapped up in watching porn and jerking off. You need to make some changes.
You can start by reading a few more blog posts here or checking out our YouTube channel. We’ve also got a free Facebook group where you can join other men on the path to eliminating porn from their lives and controlling their behavior. You don’t have to deal with your problem alone – we’ve all been where you are and know what it takes to get out.
The majority of my writing deals with men who are addicted to pornography or have out-of-control sexual behavior. At the same time, I know some women read these posts because they’re concerned about their husbands or long-term partners.
If you’re a woman in this situation, today I want to write to you. If you’re one of the brothers in the Porn Reboot system, though, this post will be helpful for you, too. You may learn a thing or two you never considered before.
I know women read this blog, watch our YouTube channel, and listen to our podcasts because these women reach out to me. They feel devastated, defeated, and betrayed when they discover their boyfriend or husband is addicted to porn. Their sense of certainty in the relationship feels shaken and shattered.
At the same time, these women also insist their partner is a good man and most other things about the relationship are fantastic.
Does this sound like you?
Signs of a Porn Problem
When you care for someone it’s natural to justify their behavior, even if you don’t necessarily agree with it. But it’s that justification that keeps you in a dysfunctional cycle and gets you hurt over and over again. Porn addiction symptoms, just like any other addiction, affects not only the porn addict but everyone else in his life.
Here’s the thing – no matter how great of a man your partner is, he’s still struggling with an addiction. And that addiction is destroying you, it’s destroying him, and it’s destroying your relationship together.
How can you determine whether pornography has become a problem for your husband?
Lack of Sex
How often do you and your partner have sex? If sex in your relationship has lost its quality or disappeared completely, there’s a problem. You may feel a lack of connection with him during sex or maybe he doesn’t feel present at all.
Your first instinct might be to look at yourself. Women often blame themselves for their partner’s lack of attention. They think they’re not attractive enough, they’re not adventurous enough, or they’re enthusiastic enough. The list goes on and on. In reality, he may have a problem with porn which has nothing to do with you at all.
Spends a Lot of Time Online
Do you notice that your partner spends a lot of time online? Men who struggle with pornography addiction often isolate themselves and spend a lot of time at the computer. When you go to bed he stays in his office or another room of the house browsing online.
Again, you might think it’s something you’ve done. You worry he’s upset or mad at you. He won’t come to bed when you do and it even becomes habitual over time. Eventually, it probably feels like he’s choosing the internet over you. But it’s difficult to pull away from the computer when you’ve got a problem with pornography.
Increasingly Judgmental
Watching a lot of pornography skews a man’s view of women. It portrays women in negative circumstances and removes all empathy from the sexual experience. Guys who are addicted to pornography tend to objectify their partners and become very critical about various aspects of their partner’s life.
For example, he might say negative things about your physique, your lifestyle, or other things he never gave any attention to before. His criticism leaves you feeling hurt, overlooked, and uncared for. No matter what you do, though, you’ll never be able to overcome these criticisms; they’re the result of a much bigger problem that has nothing to do with you.
Develops New Sexual Interests
As a man’s pornography addiction progresses, he starts watching different types of pornography. This tends to translate into the way he wants to have intercourse with you. Maybe he’s suddenly become rougher in bed or introduced the idea of new sexual acts he’s never seemed interested in before.
These interests could be things you aren’t comfortable with or even have no interest in participating in. Some men pressure their partners to participate while others withdraw to their online world where they can fulfill their newfound fantasies.
Becomes More Private or Secretive
Once men realize their problem has progressed they start making attempts to cover their tracks. He doesn’t want you to see his browser history, his text messages, or other things on his phone. Your partner puts a password on his device or refuses to leave it around you. You notice inconsistencies in the stories he tells you.
If you point out these shifts in his behavior, though, he becomes irritated and refuses to talk. He’s overly defensive when you express your concerns and might insist that you’re overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing.
Increasingly Detached and Cold
Over time you probably noticed that your partner is a lot more distant than he used to be. The connection feels like it isn’t there anymore. It’s difficult to recognize, though, because he won’t acknowledge it or he’ll blame something else for his being emotionally unavailable.
When you reach out to him and ask what’s going on, he’ll flip it on you and accuse you of being needy, overly emotional, or something along these lines. Don’t allow him to make you question yourself, though; you know who your partner is and you know when something’s wrong.
The Endless Cycle
Porn addiction tends to follow a familiar cycle for most men and their partners. First, you find out that he’s keeping secrets from you about his porn use. When you confront him, though, he reacts by blaming either you or something else. He’s defensive, angry, and sees something else as the cause of the problem rather than taking responsibility.
What happens next is usually one of two things. He’ll either apologize for his behavior and tell you he wants to quit, or he shuts down and refuses to communicate. You can work with the first reaction but there’s nothing you can do about the second. Men who shut down typically try to manipulate you afterward, too, either by keeping you around or pushing you away.
After the confrontation, he may try to reel it back in for some time. Your relationship seems to return to normal again. He’s in what we refer to as the “dormant stage” of his addiction style. He might even quit for some time which gets him reengaged with you and the relationship. It feels like things are turning around and you’re on the way back to a good place.
But then he relapses. He watches porn or acts out on his behavior again. Then everything goes back to square one and the cycle starts over.
Does This Sound Like Your Partner?
I’m going to assume that women still reading right now answered yes to at least a few of the behaviors above. If you notice these behaviors in your partner, he likely has a problem with pornography or another compulsive sexual behavior. So what do you do next?
There’s good news and bad news.
The bad news is you cannot make anyone “just stop” or “overcome” their addiction. You also run the risk of trying to help him and failing over and over again. I see women doing this regularly and all that happens is your relationship becomes an unhealthy, codependent mess. You are not your man’s mother. Controlling his behavior is not your responsibility.
The good news is that nothing is wrong with you. The problem lies with your partner, not you. His pornography addiction is not a result of the way you look, of something you did, or of any other excuse your mind comes up with. It is his problem that he needs to work out for himself.
What Can You Do?
I’ve watched couples go through this cycle dozens of times. It leaves women like you feeling emotionally exhausted, traumatized, and devastated by the repeated betrayals. If this sounds familiar to you, there may still be hope for your partner. Sit down with your partner and try to identify the cycle with him. Bring his behaviors to light and discuss how this cycle is destroying your relationship.
More importantly, though, it’s time to focus on yourself. You might have spent the last few months or even years invested in his porn addiction cycle. It’s worn you down over time and you’re still left with nothing to show. So you need to shift your focus to yourself and begin building your self-esteem and confidence back up.
Again, it’s ultimately up to your partner to change his behavior. No amount of pressure from you will force him to change. You don’t need to be his accountability partner, you don’t need to treat him like a child, and you don’t need to police him.
Instead, spend more time with your friends, join some classes, and read uplifting material that you enjoy. Try to remove stress from your life and strengthen yourself along the way. If you reach a point where the pain is too much, reach out to a professional. You can even reach out to us. While we don’t work with partners yet, we can connect you with a great therapist or group.
Once you shift your focus to yourself, your partner’s behavior becomes secondary. As you strengthen your mind, you put yourself in a position to better determine how to move forward. It’s not your responsibility to save your partner and if he refuses to make a change, it might be time for you to move forward without him.
I’ve worked with my fair share of wealthy men during my years as a porn addiction recovery coach.
Something I’ve noticed during that time, though, is how frequently affluent men avoid seeking help for their porn addiction. Whether their wealth is familial or earned on their own and regardless of their age, their fortunes seem to serve as a barrier to rebooting.
You might think that affluent men have an easier time overcoming their problems. They have all the resources they could ever need at their disposal. How could their wealth get in the way of how to stop porn addiction? In reality, their money is the thing that holds them back. These are the 4 most common barriers that cause trouble for affluent men in their reboot.
1. Denial
Denial is the biggest barrier to rebooting for any man but especially for affluent men. In some cases, the process of coming to terms with their pornography addiction can have serious financial or legal consequences. These men have large things to lose so they want to do all they can to avoid jail time or large fines.
Compulsive sexual behavior can be an expensive habit when you’re hiring escorts or signing up for premium content online. Men with average financial means often hit a financial threshold where they’re no longer able to fund their behavior. But a man with extreme wealth can fund his behavior which allows him to remain in denial for much longer.
2. Stigma
Many affluent men are in the business of appearances. These men fear falling from the social pedestal they live on. Coming clean about pornography addiction or compulsive sexual behavior is unthinkable because of the negative stigma associated with it. The idea of losing their status because of their porn addiction is a terrifying thing.
This is true for men who come from dignified families in particular. Men from families like these have a certain reputation to uphold. If someone discovered the truth about their problem, they could face serious consequences not only for themselves but for their families as well. The shame and guilt that result from the porn addiction stigma hold men back from getting help.
3. Rock Bottom
Men won’t reach out for help with their porn addiction problem until they hit rock bottom. Every man has an individual definition of what rock bottom means to them. For example, maybe it’s when their wife leaves and takes the kids, when the bank accounts are empty and the credit cards are maxed out, or when they’re caught watching porn at work.
Reaching rock bottom is a humiliating and humbling experience that’s important for recognizing that you finally need help. But affluent men with significant financial means oftentimes take far longer to hit this point than those with a more average income. Their monetary resources keep them from sinking to a place where they have to ask for help.
4. Distraction
Wealthy men are oftentimes the kings of distraction. They can fund whatever interest comes to mind no matter how short-term it may be. Even when they fear they might need help, these men can finance all sorts of distractions that avoid looking at the real problem: their porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior.
Affluent men may take some classes or attend a long-term reset retreat in another exotic country. They might seek out a specialist or a therapist to help them with their relationship struggles. These men hire elite personal trainers and business coaches to work out problems in these areas. But the entire time they’re distracting themselves from the pornography addiction which is the true cause of the issue.
Overcoming These Barriers
Don’t get me wrong – these barriers don’t imply that affluent men can’t overcome their pornography addiction and out-of-control behavior. Their accumulated wealth and even some of their lifestyles don’t make them any different from other men trying to control their behavior and take back their lives.
If you’re part of the wealthy segment of men who are addicted to pornography, there’s still hope for you, too. It may take some additional work, some hard boundaries, and some space from your current friend group, but you can do it, too. If you’re a man who truly wants to overcome his behavior you’ll find a way to do it.
You can start here by reading some blog posts or watch a few of the videos on our YouTube channel. We also have a podcast available wherever you listen to podcasts and a free Facebook group for men working to control their behavior with porn and masturbation. No matter where you are in your reboot process, you can find support and understanding if you join us there!
Most men who are working to overcome pornography addiction and out-of-control sexual behavior are unaware of the role of emotional needs.
They don’t understand that these are the baseline of all successful relationships; they’re too preoccupied with using porn, masturbation, and sex to distract from their negative emotions.
However, emotional needs are an integral part of every romantic relationship, whether you realize it or not. If you want a fulfilling relationship, you must make sure both your and your partner’s emotional needs are met. Problems arise when these needs are neglected because it leaves both parties feeling like the other isn’t interested in or appreciative of them.
You might meet someone who would be a great fit for you in a relationship, but because you’re so caught up in your out-of-control behavior, you’re not going to meet her emotional needs. You’ll miss the opportunity because you lack emotional intelligence when you’re active in your behaviors.
As you start rebooting, though, it’s time to learn about emotional needs. Understanding the roles these needs play and the way they interact is vital if you want to have a successful relationship.
Three Main Emotional Needs
There are three main emotional needs when it comes to dating: connection, status, and security. Every person values these three needs to varying degrees. It’s important to understand what each need consists of and how important each is to you and your potential partner.
Connection refers to the need to feel understood and appreciated, to share values, and to share experiences. Status refers to the need to feel important, superior, or even challenged.
Finally, security refers to the need to feel safe and secure within a trusting relationship.
A person’s willingness to become intimate with someone depends on their needs, how these needs are prioritized, and how the other individual fulfills those needs. For example, if a woman prioritizes security, you must find ways to make sure she feels the relationship is solid.
Keeping Emotional Needs Balanced
Though everyone has emotional needs, it’s also important to keep these needs in check. These needs can either be healthy or unhealthy depending on how well a person maintains a balance with them. It’s easy for needs to expand beyond a reasonable point and become something toxic. Sometimes unchecked emotional needs can cause as many problems as unmet emotional needs.
The need for connection can progress to the point of neglecting spending time with friends or having quality alone time. The need for security can evolve into extreme jealousy or possessiveness. The need for status can reach a point where the person becomes egocentric or self-absorbed.
Unchecked emotional needs are no longer about building a strong relationship. They’re superficial ways to soothe unhealed inner wounds. Left unchecked, these surface-level demands lead to depression and loneliness, not fulfillment and contentment. And when you struggle with porn addiction or compulsive sexual behavior, it’ll only drive you deeper into that.
Needs Change Over Time
Another thing to understand is the way that emotional needs change over time. Things that were important to you in your 20s don’t seem as pressing in your 40s. Priorities in your 50s were the furthest thing from your mind in your 30s.
Major life events like getting married or having kids can also alter your emotional needs. They shift your understanding of what’s important in life and create a change in the way you prioritize each need.
If you’ve been with the same person for a long time, both of your needs will shift as time goes on. It’s good to know what those changes are so you can communicate them with your partner and continue building a relationship that withstands the test of time.
If you’re single, it’s still good to know when your needs change. Recognizing the emotional needs you bring to the table helps you build more solid relationships from the beginning. But how do you know which needs have the highest priority in your life?
Recognizing Your Needs
As you learn to control your behavior with pornography, you’ll start to recognize your emotional needs. Acknowledging the needs that motivate you is an important part of your reboot. But you won’t develop sudden clarity on the things that are important to you; it takes some work to decipher how you prioritize your emotional needs.
I’ve got a quick assignment for you today. I want you to write out how you prioritize your emotional needs in life right now. If you’re in a relationship, look at that relationship and figure out which needs are important in it. If you’re single and looking for a relationship, find out which needs are important for your potential partner to meet. If you’re single and not looking for a relationship, analyze your past relationships and look for patterns in your needs.
Once you’re finished writing, I want you to share your findings with the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot Facebook group. There are hundreds of guys, some in the Porn Reboot intensive and some who stick with the free group, who share their findings from the assignments. I think it’s an important way to connect with other men and to follow through on actions in your reboot.
If you aren’t part of the free Facebook group yet, you can join us here. It’s a private group so none of your friends or family will know you joined. It’s a great way to stay accountable, to find support, and to get you through any lulls you may experience. Come join us today and let us know where you’re at in the ways you prioritize emotional needs in your relationships!
You need to experience a significant neurochemical change in your brain and body to end your out-of-control behavior with pornography and masturbation.
There needs to be a paradigm shift that affects your entire lifestyle.
Porn addiction changes your brain. There’s no denying the severe effects that consuming hundreds of hours of pornography has on your mind. It alters your neurochemical makeup which affects your emotional processing and becomes a hindrance to your growth as a man.
I want to cover a few self-destructive behaviors that I’ve noticed in men over the years. These are things that lead to consistent relapses and loss of self-esteem. Men who don’t address these behaviors eventually end up in a place where they feel stuck with no motivation to keep going. I want to keep you from ending up here.
These are some of the self-destructive behaviors that you need to avoid if you want to be successful in your reboot.
Porn Addiction
It may seem silly or self-explanatory to include porn addiction but it’s the most important behavior to avoid. Again, pornography addiction alters your brain. Quitting isn’t as simple as making a few changes, setting some boundaries, and checking in with an accountability partner. If you’re here, you most likely have a full-blown addiction to pornography.
You might think you’re immune to developing an addiction problem. Maybe you come from a good family or you live in a nice area. You might have a great career and plenty of money in the bank. But if you can’t not only stop watching porn but stay stopped, then you have a serious problem on your hands.
Ignorance is the next self-destructive behavior that’s holding you back in your reboot. Most men who try to end their behavior with pornography relapse within the first year. Okay, I’ll admit that’s not an official statistic. But I will say it seems pretty accurate according to the hundreds of emails I receive every week.
There’s a great quote that I appreciate: “In the age of information, ignorance is a choice.” Men who refuse to recognize porn addiction symptoms is a serious problem, who remain willingly ignorant to the reality of their situation, will never overcome their addiction.
I have plenty of information available on my channels alone. Between this blog, my YouTube channel, my podcast, and my free Facebook group, there is so much you can learn. But if you choose to ignore the information available to you and remain ignorant about the truth of pornography addiction, you’ll continue to relapse.
Emotional Dependence
Emotional dependence is another severe self-destructive behavior that affects your reboot. Another word for this is emotional neediness. Needy men never take responsibility for their place in life and are unable to stand on their own two feet. You should never depend on other people to provide you with respect, security, or prestige.
I’ll give you a quick, simple test to determine whether you’re emotionally dependent. Ask yourself these two questions:
Are your feelings hurt easily in relationships?
Do you consider yourself to be a highly sensitive person?
If you answer yes to either of these, you have some work to do in the emotional dependence department. You allow others to define your reality and your worth when you’re emotionally dependent. You become highly reactive in relationships because you’ve placed the other person on a pedestal and given them power over you. Overcoming your emotional dependence is crucial before you can be successful in your reboot.
Self-Loathing
Self-loathing is one of the most insidious of these self-destructive behaviors. It holds you back not only in your reboot but in every area of your life. Self-loathing keeps you from accomplishing everything that you’re capable of. And whether you realize it or not, you’re capable of a lot.
Most of us have an idealized image of ourselves that we built up over the years. We believe we should have certain levels of achievement in life by now. There are things we should accomplish by a particular period. And we double down on these expectations as we scroll through social media and see others meeting these milestones.
When you struggle with porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior, though, you usually fall short of these ideals. Your expectations and your reality are two different things. As the divide between these grows wider, you begin to question your self-worth. You do not like who you’ve become and the sense of self-loathing sets in.
These assumptions of who you “should” be are false, though. You don’t have to hold yourself to any particular standard. Even if you’re overcoming pornography addiction, it’s not a moral failure on your part. It’s simply the situation that’s developed over time that you now have to work through and overcome.
Seeking Support Along the Way
It’s difficult to overcome these self-destructive behaviors. Looking at these less-than-helpful parts of ourselves is a painful reality check. Other times it’s difficult to even recognize your self-destructive behaviors in the first place. That’s why it’s important that you don’t try to approach your reboot on your own.
This is the exact reason I created the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. I want every man trying to overcome his porn addiction and compulsive sexual behaviors to have a place where he can find support. If you haven’t joined us already, come check it out. There are no requirements to join other than a drive to leave your behaviors behind.
If you’re looking for some help, come join us today!
You don’t decide to quit using porn or acting out on your compulsive behavior and then stop completely the next day. Most of the time it takes a while for you to recognize that there’s a serious problem in the first place. The recovery process is just that: a process.
The five stages of change (sometimes called the five stages of recovery) describe the process of changing a compulsive behavior. You’re probably familiar with it by now if you’ve spent time in any recovery circles or read much on the topic. It’s a helpful outline for understanding how change happens when you struggle with compulsive behavior or addiction. These stages are:
Precontemplation
Contemplation
Planning
Action
Maintenance
Although quite a few men are aware of the five stages of recovery already, I’ve also noticed that plenty have yet to hear of them. I want to give you a quick outline of each stage to help you determine where you’re at in your process.
Precontemplation
Precontemplation is the initial stage where you don’t recognize that you have a problem. Your world hasn’t caught on fire yet. Porn Addiction Effect hasn’t had a significant impact on your life yet. You might feel some residual discomfort or experience a few consequences but it hasn’t gotten out of control.
Maybe you’re making justifications for your actions. You truly believe you could stop if you wanted to. If your partner confronts you about your porn use, you’re convinced that they’re overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing. All of your buddies watch porn and jerk off, what’s wrong with you doing it, too?
But the difference between you and your buddies is that your behavior is compulsive. You’re not simply watching porn, you’re using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism. Your porn use and compulsive behavior have been getting progressively worse over time. The problem is actively escalating but you still haven’t noticed that there’s an issue.
Contemplation
Contemplation is the stage where you start to experience and recognize some of the negative effects porn has on your life. Sometimes it’s the amount of time you spend watching it or how distracted you feel when you aren’t. Perhaps it started affecting your sex life. Maybe you notice that you can’t have sex without watching porn first, or you fantasize about scenes during intercourse.
The contemplation stage is when you begin thinking this might be a real problem. The cons start to outweigh the pros. You start thinking about making some changes. You might consider trying to masturbate or watch porn in moderation. For example, instead of jerking off every day, you might cut it back to once a week.
Once you try cutting back, though, is when you realize how trapped you are. You may be able to stay off of it for a few days or weeks or months, but you inevitably find yourself back where you started. Maybe you find yourself in an even worse situation than before. So you’re back to the idea that it might be time to do something about this problem.
Planning
Once you’re ready to commit to making some changes, you’ve reached the planning stage. It doesn’t mean you’ve fully committed yet but you’re starting to look for solutions. You’re searching online for resources, watching videos, listening to podcasts, and reading blog posts like this one.
But the planning stage is the stage where the distinction between two types of men becomes clear: Type A and Type B. I’ve talked about the differences between Type A and Type B men before. One type will move through the planning phase and into the next phase. One will get stuck in the planning phase and spin his wheels endlessly.
Type B men are ready to make changes. They do a ton of research but aren’t ready to do anything about it. These men consume tons of content online but never implement it in their lives. They might even reach out and email us about their problem, but they never follow through on their request.
Type A men are also ready to make changes. They do the same sort of research that Type B men do but they decide on a plan of action. These men don’t just read, watch, and listen to things online; they take the content they consume and determine how they’re going to apply it to their lives. Then they move into the next stage of change.
Action
If you’re reading this blog post right now, you’re most likely in the action stage. Men in the action stage have identified that there’s a problem, researched how to address it, outlined a plan of action, and are now in the process of following through on their plan.
A ton of work occurs during the action stage. This is the time when you need to establish your routine and commit to it. At some point, the initial alarm and fear that led you to seek a solution will wear off. The action stage is when you build your new behaviors into lasting habits so you can persist through these lulls in motivation.
The action stage can take quite a while. You begin to make different choices than you would have before. Sure, you might experience a slip or two during the action phase but you continue moving forward. But you use these slips to understand your triggers, learn to manage your urges, and build up new coping skills. Over time, these slowly become your new way of doing things.
Maintenance
When your routine and habits are set in place, you’ve reached the maintenance stage. This stage is exactly what it sounds like: you continue maintaining the progress that you’ve built from the beginning.
Your self-image begins to change during the maintenance stage as you recognize how far you’ve come. You’ve built up many areas of your reboot capital, from your spiritual life to your social life, your finances to your health. The maintenance stage is when you finally begin to feel like you’re on the right track, that you’ve overcome your compulsive behavior.
And you will, brother. You’ll no longer be the man you used to be. By the time you reach the maintenance stage, you’ve built an entirely different life than you had before, one that’s worth living. So long as you continue taking action and moving through the five stages of change, a life free from pornography can be your reality, too.
You’ll often hear that a long-term, monogamous relationship can’t compete with the novelty and dopamine-inducing effects of having sex with a new person.
This is a widespread opinion.
And as a result, many people decide not to even try to be monogamous – they think they’ll never make it. This applies to pornography addicts as well.
Now, I’m not going to lie and say that there isn’t a small element of truth to this opinion. But it doesn’t take into account one factor:
There are many men who had a lot of casual sex. But that was before they got married and stayed committed for the rest of their lives.
These individuals have an advantage over others because they’ve had their fill of sexual experiences on purpose.
But what about men who recover from sex addiction and get married?
Well, that doesn’t mean they’re actually ready for marriage. Most of the time, that goal’s been set for them and conditioned by society.
These men then feel like monogamy is the only way to go. So, they end up in relationships and just play along because they feel like that’s what they’re supposed to do.
But in doing so, they most likely won’t become a happy, fulfilled person. It’s because whatever issues they had with women and sex won’t just go away because they’ve become monogamous.
Now, you might wonder why don’t more coaches and therapists talk about this.
Well, apart from myself, I have yet to meet a non-religious counselor, coach, or mentor who wasn’t a sex addict and had an active and healthy sexual life involving multiple women.
While some therapists have recovered from their addictions, none of them put themselves through a structured method regarding women.
