J.K Emezi

When you’re in the end stages of your out-of-control behavior and the beginning stages of your reboot, you might notice something peculiar.

You may find that your porn use escalates. You might start consuming more extreme forms of porn. Maybe it feels like porn is even more addictive now that you’re finally trying to stop.

But why is that? Understanding this requires you to understand the life cycle of a porn addict.

Porn addiction usually begins as a pleasant experience. It’s an enjoyable way to get a release whenever you need it. Unfortunately, it becomes a problem when you start using it as an escape from unpleasant things. 

You may use it to run from strong emotions, loneliness, and unresolved issues. You might turn to porn when you’re not able to find intimacy or experience rejection. Men act out when they’re feeling stressed, irritated, or angry instead of dealing with negative emotions.

Pornography becomes a serious problem when it becomes more painful than pleasant, but you still choose to chase it compulsively. It comes with an emotional cost, filling you with guilt and shame as your use progresses. 

Oftentimes porn addiction also comes with a physical price. You’re exhausted all the time, can’t focus, have very little energy, and even develop problems like porn-induced erectile dysfunction. Yet you still chase it compulsively.

The toll that pornography addiction takes doesn’t always look the same for everyone. Some men find themselves divorced with an empty bank account. Others who conceal their behaviors from everyone around them feel even more miserable, depressed, and isolated because they’re trapped by their lies.

Over time, porn addiction becomes a lifestyle. It’s predictive. It’s habitual. It’s repetitive. It doesn’t matter whether it’s every day or every couple of weeks. You subtly begin to doubt your abilities in life. You question whether you can accomplish anything at all.

You want to start a business. You want to get an advanced degree. You want to get a promotion at work. You want to get into a long-term, committed relationship. You want to write a book and share your life experiences. But you can’t follow through on any of these plans because pornography takes precedence time after time.

The lifestyle of a porn addict begins to spill into other aspects of their life. They become individuals with low standards at work. They frequent massage parlors, join questionable apps, and step outside of their committed relationships. In some cases, some men begin to engage in semi-legal or illegal activity. 

Your behavior goes against everything you were taught as a young man. It goes against all the values you were raised with. Guilt, shame, and self-loathing set in. But the only way you know how to find relief is through pornography, masturbation, and acting out.

Eventually, you stop trying. Your motivation dwindles to nothing. You lose interest in almost everything else in your life. You have little to no belief in yourself, your self-esteem is nonexistent, and it feels as though you’re only living to jerk off day after day. 

This usually happens slowly, sometimes it’s over a few years, sometimes over decades. It’s an awful cycle to find yourself trapped in. Occasionally you may recognize the depths you’re in and make feeble attempts to get back to being the respectable individual you once were. It builds up again, though, without fail, and you’re back to where you started.

That, my brother, is the lifecycle of a porn addict. It continues until you decide to reach out to someone and ask for help. Once you’re at this point, trying to overcome your addiction alone is next to impossible. You have to ask somebody to walk you through the process of how to escape the cycle. And that’s exactly what the Porn Reboot group is here to do.

When you say that something will happen someday, all you’re saying is that it’s not happening right now.

There’s no power behind the statement. It only does one of two things: it wastes energy and lowers your self-esteem.

I can hear you pushing back now.

“J.K., what does that mean? I’m planning ahead when I say that something will happen one day. It’s not a waste of time and it definitely doesn’t lower my self-esteem.”

Here’s the thing, brother. You might think it’s a helpful way to look at things but I promise that it’s not. Pushing things off to the open-ended “someday” is a weak way of saying it’s never going to happen.

It’s a waste of energy because there are plenty of men who sit around talking about all the things they’ll do someday. They’re convinced they’ll overcome their behavior with pornography as they sit around on forums online but all they’re doing is lying to themselves.

It lowers your self-esteem because you’re telling yourself that you’re not able to get there right now. Even if you can get there, empty hopes of “someday” remind you that you feel like you’re behind in life and not where you should be. 

Talking about the idea of “someday” deteriorates your motivation and drives you into a negative feedback loop. It places you in a space I think of as mental masturbation, where you’re talking about all the things you want to do but never take action to follow through on.

At 23 years old you’re insisting you’ll end your behavior, start a business, and be in a relationship. Before you know it, though, you’re 33, none of those have come to fruition, and you’re in an even worse place than before. Sometimes you’re 38 or 45 or 50 before you break out of this feedback loop. But how do you break out of it?

By choosing. Choosing sets you free. The power of choice is the key.

Highly successful men in the Porn Reboot program make decisions and make them quickly. You’ll never hear them talk about timing. They’re not speculating. They don’t give excuses. Instead, they gather as much information as they can and then make a decision.

I read a book years ago where the author said something that stuck with me: “Just make a decision and make it right.” It’s one of the best things I’ve ever heard and I come back to it regularly. It doesn’t always matter what the decision is because there are consequences to every choice. The act of deciding is what matters.

Men who sit around talking about doing things “someday” never choose to actually do them. They simply B.S. themselves and their friends about the things they want to do but don’t follow through on those things. They don’t make a decision.

The fear of making the wrong choice is often what holds men back. Learning to make decisions puts you in a position of power. I guarantee you that once you learn to decide it will change everything. Even when it’s a hard decision, it’s better than not deciding at all. 

After all, you never know whether something was a good or bad choice until after you chose it. You can gather as much information as you want but there’s ultimately only one way to find out if your choice is right: you have to make it.

It’s not something that happens all at once; it’s a skill you develop over time. In fact, it’s something I still struggle with sometimes. To this day I can still hesitate when making decisions at times.

For example, I recently invested in a coaching program for myself. The price tag of the group in question is rather high, though, so I wasn’t sure whether to follow through in joining. The people in the group are people who operate at a high caliber, they’re ahead of me by miles. I want to learn from them but it’s also a hefty sum to pay every month.

I felt huge fears surrounding the decision. What if the program isn’t what it’s cut out to be? What if these guys have so much wealth that the sum is nothing to them, but it puts me back financially? What if I can’t keep up with the people in this program, whether mentally or spiritually? What if I’m not poised enough to take full advantage of it?

I had all these concerns that went through my head on a loop. But I had to remind myself that I would only know if this was a good choice after I made the decision. And even after that, it would be up to me to make it a good decision. So I sat there for another quick moment then decided to join the group.

You’re going to face fears that accompany each of your decisions. Every choice that you make has an alternative that you’re leaving behind. But you’ll never go anywhere if you don’t make any decisions. You’ll remain in that feedback loop, that downward spiral until the end of your life.

I hope that you can finally decide on whatever choices you’re facing right now. I hope that you can choose to overcome the things holding you back right now. I hope that you can apply this power of choice to your life and that the choice sets you free. 

Until next time, brother.

Men in the Porn Reboot program are above-average men.

We don’t settle for less than pursuing the best version of ourselves here in the group. We didn’t leave our out-of-control behaviors behind to remain in that mediocre state. Instead, men in the group build up all areas of their lives to become better men than they ever were before.

Part of being an above-average man means you’re going to be in high-risk relapse situations from time to time. You didn’t learn to control your behavior just to sit at home for the rest of your life, did you? Not at all. You don’t have to live a monk’s life now that you’re leaving pornography and out-of-control sexual behavior behind.

Since you can’t avoid high-risk situations, you need to plan for them ahead of time. You want to be able to go out with your buddies if you’re invited to a bachelor party. You want to be able to go on a date and have a drink or two. You want to be able to crank out long hours on something that you’re passionate about. So how are you going to face these experiences when they come up? 

Relationships play a powerful role in helping you avoid high-risk relapse situations. Learning to leverage the power of relationships is an important part of the reboot process. How can you make the most of the relationships in your life?

Identify and remove relationships that cause stress, pressure you to break boundaries, or make you feel negative

Many of the high-risk relapse situations involve other people that you’ve acted out with in the past. This means people who interrupt the things that are a vital part of your reboot. It might mean your buddies who participate in things that don’t align with your new lifestyle. Maybe it’s the woman who you keep on the side and continue flirting with even though you’re in a relationship. 

Whatever these high-risk relationships might be, you need to identify them and remove them from your life. They’re only going to drag you down in the long run and leave you more at risk of relapsing. These negative relationships are not with the stress, pressure, and negativity they bring. If you want to avoid acting out, you need to remove these people from your life.

Build up your reboot circle

Leaning on a single person for accountability isn’t good enough. Relying on just one person to support you is not fair to either of you. Sometimes that person isn’t available for you at the moment that you need it. Maybe they’re having a bad day themselves and can’t hold space for you. If you only have one source of support during your reboot it’s not sufficient to avoid relapsing.

You need to build up a reboot circle instead. Your reboot circle is a group of individuals to whom you can reach out for support in your reboot. It’s better to have a group of people available for accountability and support than one single person. Your group should include people who hold you accountable, help you maintain boundaries, and walk by you through difficult times. 

Who will you reach out to when you experience strong urges? Who can you rely on to take your calls when you’re in a tough situation? Who will you go to when you have uncomfortable things you need to talk about? Consider each of these things when building your reboot circle.

The men in your reboot circle should understand where you’re coming from so they can support you in the right way. You can include men with a variety of experiences so you have different people to go to for different experiences. Ultimately, your reboot circle should consist of people who you can trust and rely on to be there when you need them and vice versa.

Surround yourself with the right people

Once you have an idea of who you want in your reboot circle, you must ask for their support. I don’t mean a half-hearted informal request for accountability. I mean an assertive, clear request for support and accountability as you move forward in your reboot.

The best way to get commitment from people you’re considering is to ask them directly, “Can I count on you for this?” It develops a strong sense of obligation to one another that you’ll step up and follow through when urges arise.

If approaching men in this manner sounds daunting at the moment, that’s okay. But I want you to sit down and do some writing about that block. Write out what it will take for you to be willing to ask these men to be a part of your circle. List out all the things getting in the way, every excuse that runs through your mind.

“They’re already too busy.”

“I don’t want to obligate them.”

“They’re going to judge me.”

“I’ll feel like I’m just taking from them and not giving anything back.”

Write down every thought that crosses your mind until you’re ready to ask them. As you write your thoughts out, you’ll realize that none of them are as powerful as the risk that relapse poses in your life. If you truly want to avoid high-risk relapse situations, you’ll step up and ask for help. You’ll reach out to men who you trust and request their support in this experience.

One of the best places to find men to support you in your reboot is in the Porn Reboot Facebook group. The group is filled with men who are in various stages of their reboot, from the very beginning days to men who have years free from their behaviors. Feel free to drop in and join us, let us know where you’re at, and ask any questions you may have.

The power of relationships is a critical component of the Porn Reboot process and one you can’t neglect. There are hundreds of men who understand what you’re going through and are ready to help you as they’ve been helped in the past!

Addictions are destructive to those suffering from them, and equally so for their partners and their relationship.

If you have a partner who’s struggling with porn addiction, here are some ways that their habit has affected your relationship:

1. The sex has reduced in quality or disappeared from the relationship. There’s no connection, or your partner seems completely absent.
2. Your partner’s spending too much time alone online. He’s isolating himself often and it’s become habitual.
3. He’s become very critical and judgmental of different aspects of your life. This can include your physique, lifestyle, and many other things he previously never commented on.
4. You feel like your partner’s set unrealistic standards for you and that no matter what you do, you’re never good enough for him.
5. He’s developed new sexual interests, maybe becoming rougher in bed or desiring sexual acts that didn’t interest him before.
6. Your partner’s become much more private and secretive. He changes passwords on his devices and never leaves them around you. 
7. There are inconsistencies in the stories your partner tells you. And when you call him out on it, he acts overly defensive about that.
8. He’s become detached and cold. You feel that your partner’s much more distant and it’s become obvious that there’s no connection between you.
9. Your partner won’t directly acknowledge that there’s a problem or he starts blaming it on something else.
10. Sometimes, when you reach out to him, he flips the conversation on you and accuses you of being overly emotional, needy, or nagging.

If you’ve seen these symptoms in play and you’re pretty sure that your partner has a problem with pornography, there’s one crucial question to answer: 

What do you do next?

There is good and bad news about the situation.

The bad news is that you can’t make anyone overcome or stop their addiction. They need to go all-in themselves.

And the good news is that there’s nothing wrong with you and fixing your partner’s issues isn’t your burden.

The best thing to do is set clear boundaries and stop yourself from going all-in. Shelter yourself from being hurt and stay level-headed. 

That’s how you’ll manage to sort through the situation.

There’s a root cause of your porn addiction.

And it’s the same cause that makes you unable to quit pornography.

So, what is it?

It’s anxiety. 

And more specifically, anxiety around women.

The vast majority of men who struggle with porn have felt anxious around women they’re attracted to. This usually shows up in adolescence, but it never goes away for most porn addicts.

If you don’t address your anxiety about speaking and engaging with attractive women, it’s going to follow you into your 20s, 30s, 40s, and beyond. You’ll never live it down.

Statistically, you’ve likely seen over 500 women since you were 17 that you wanted to talk to but didn’t. Unfortunately, your brain is keeping track of all that and it stays in the records.

So, what can we do about this anxiety?

The first thing we have to realize is that many guys use that feeling as an excuse for general anxiety. And for most of us, anxiety around women is the root cause we magnify into a bigger thing.

We try to medicate the anxiety with porn, masturbation, alcohol, and even drugs. But that’s not the solution. 

In my case, I medicated that anxiety through alcohol. I only realized through my recovery that the anxiety I was medicating with in my early 20s was the same that I experienced when I was 16. 

So, make no mistake, dealing with anxiety around women is tough – it might even be one of the toughest things you’ve ever done. And the reason for this is the very nature of the relationship between men and women and the inevitable rejection that will happen from time to time.

That’s why you’ll have to learn how to handle rejection and you’ll also need to understand how women think and respond to men. 

Understanding these things is a crucial part of your masculinity and recovery. But here’s the critical thing:

You must understand that you can act in spite of your anxiety. And that’s your best chance to overcome it.

Do away with your denial, justifications, and excuses.

Accept your anxiety… and act despite it!

When I was trying to end my porn habit, I always assumed that my success relied on a combination of factors.

Namely willpower, self-discipline, spiritual faith, and having large goals.

It took me quite some time to discover that this wasn’t enough. I was missing one crucial thing, and that’s what I want to tell you about today.

But first, let me tell you how my initial efforts ended up.

Moving from the starting point of willpower, self-discipline, faith, and goals, I tried everything. I wanted to get out of porn so badly and I was scared of becoming stuck in that messed up life of mine.

Here’s the thing… 

On their own, all of the factors produced some results, but not anything lasting.

Willpower would get me through the first 30 days, after which I’d end up sexually frustrated, edging or touching myself, and eventually masturbating.

Self-discipline was better in the sense that becoming super-focused on my career made sure I was simply too busy to masturbate. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to sustain it and make it a part of my lifestyle. 

It was pretty much the same with other individual factors. My porn addiction ran so deep that there would always come a time when I gave into it.

The breakthrough came when I discovered that missing ingredient… 

Accountability. 

This is the thing every man who’s been trying to quit porn for years misses in his recovery toolkit. And we miss it because we’re, well, men.

We think we’re so damn capable of ending our porn addiction on our own that we try it for decades without thinking about reaching out.

In fact, some of us might not even know what accountability means. 

Well, to clear that out, accountability is the obligation to accept responsibility for our actions and disclose the results transparently. 

It consists of three parts that are all self-explanatory:

Visibility, clarity, and activity.

Accountability is what prevents minor problems from becoming bigger. And it’s the best opportunity and just the tool you need to finally become free from your porn addiction.

Today’s post is a quick one – I want to run through another fast exercise with you.

Grab a piece of paper and a pen and write down your answers. I’m going to give you a few different scenarios that have led to relapses in my experience. I want you to rate them on a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 being no risk of relapse and 10 being 100% certain that you’ll relapse over it.

1. After a fight with a significant other
2. Drinking or using other substances while going out with friends
3. Being criticized at work
4. Watching a movie or TV show that involves one of your behaviors
5. Communicating with a woman whom you’re attracted to but haven’t had sex with
6. Experiencing significant stress at work or at homme
7. Feeling bored during the day

Again, I want you to rate each of these on a scale of 0 to 10 and look at your answers. It’s easy to tell yourself that you can get through any situation you’re going to come up against. Actually following through on that is something else entirely. 

Most of these situations will happen at one point or another, and many of them more than once. This is why it’s important for you to be proactive with your relapse prevention plan. You’re going to come up against all sorts of difficult experiences in life and they’ll put your recovery at risk if you aren’t ready.

Doing these quick self-reflective exercises on a consistent basis is part of building a strong foundation for your reboot. Don’t underestimate the power these quick assignments can have. Along with surrounding yourself with support in the Porn Reboot Facebook group, completing these exercises will make a massive difference in your reboot!

Today’s post comes from a question from one of our brothers in the group.

Everyone brings great questions to the table and I always like to bring my favorites over to the blog and share them with everyone. He asks:

“Hey brothers, I just needed some feedback. I find myself using the rationalization of I can’t be serious with someone yet because I’m still recovering. I have relationship issues and there are some thought patterns that I have which I need to sort out. I don’t want to bring my issues into a relationship and jeopardize it. 

“Do any of you have the same thoughts? Is there ever a time that you can safely say that you are truly ready for a relationship? Now, bear in mind. I’ve never had a serious relationship before, and this fact plays a big part in all of this. Please let me know what you think.”

First, I do want to say that a lot of guys have it right. They recognize that they might end up hurting somebody that they get into a relationship with until they develop some sort of control over their behavior. I’m very proud of men who have that foresight because they’ve learned from the mistakes of other men.

Porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior cause a ton of problems in relationships. When a man in a relationship struggles with porn addiction, he leaves his partner with a lot of pain and betrayal trauma. The man himself also feels a lot of guilt when he finally comes clean in his relationship because he wasn’t honest upfront about every aspect of his life. 

Lots of men wonder when they’ll know whether they’re finally ready for a serious relationship. Here’s the thing, though. It’s not like you can go out and buy a ticket for one. You don’t just wake up one morning and decide that today is going to be the day you get into a serious relationship. It’s not something that happens overnight.

So how do you know whether you’re ready for a relationship?

Decide whether you want a serious relationship

There are some things to consider before you go out and pursue one, though. You need to determine whether it’s the right time for you. Are you truly interested in starting a serious relationship right now or would you rather date casually? If you prefer casual dating then it’s not time for you to look at serious partnerships right now.

Take some women out on dates

Once you decide you want something serious then you have to start the dating process. And by dating process I mean taking a few different women out. You shouldn’t get into a serious, committed relationship with the first woman who goes on a date with you. That’s not how this works. You need to take time to meet different women and determine whether the two of you are a true compatible fit.

You need to be worth dating

It doesn’t matter how badly you want a serious relationship if you aren’t worth dating in the first place. There are a lot of men who think they can show up exactly as they are without putting in any work. If you’re overcoming a porn addiction, though, you probably have a few adjustments to make. Start working on your belief system, your physical appearance, and your lifestyle before pursuing any sort of serious relationship.

Continue building your reboot capital

Building reboot capital is an important part of both your reboot as well as making yourself worth dating. You’re growing in all areas of your life as you build reboot capital, from your diet to your fitness to your career to your habits. You must continue building your reboot capital as you start dating. If it falls to the side, you put yourself at risk of a relapse.

Find someone worth spending time with

The most important part of getting into a serious relationship is finding someone who you feel is worth your time. The further you get in your reboot, the more confident you become. You finally begin to value the life you built and you won’t be willing to spend your time with just anyone. You want to make sure you’re spending time with a woman who you feel is worth it, not just any woman who gives you the time of day.

Stay connected to your reboot

Once you start pursuing a serious relationship, don’t forget to stay connected to your reboot. Remember the importance of your morning recovery time and keeping in touch with your accountability partner. If you aren’t committed to following through on your reboot, your behavior won’t change and you’ll end up hurting your partner. You want to stay plugged into the Porn Reboot Facebook group and keep your reboot at the front of your mind!

Rebuilding self-esteem while rebooting is a vital part of your reboot process.

First, you need it to cut the connection you have with your abusive porn addiction. If you have low self-esteem you won’t see much reason to do anything about your compulsive behavior.

Second, it’s going to show other people how you want to be treated. When you have self-compassion you won’t allow other people to treat you poorly. If someone disrespects you, you’ll have the confidence to let them know that you won’t tolerate that type of treatment. You’ll also have the confidence to apologize to someone when you disrespect them, too.

Once you learn how to build self-compassion, you begin to treat others with respect and kindness because that’s the way you treat yourself. You stop dismissing other people’s feelings and understand how to discern their emotions.

Before you can reach this point, though, you need to learn how to rebuild your self-esteem. It may feel overwhelming or impossible to get there. You’ve had such a terrible relationship with yourself because of your compulsive behavior. It’s completely changed the way you feel about yourself. So what can you do?

A Self-Esteem Exercise

I want you to grab a pen and some paper right and do this exercise right now. Don’t just sit there and think about your answer. You need to take some action and put pen to paper for this to work. 

Alright, got your supplies? Now I want you to write out your proudest accomplishments. You don’t need to overthink this, just write it out. Start with, “My proudest accomplishment is…” and write from there.

Then I want you to write, “I am happiest when…” and write some more. Write down the moment or moments when you feel the happiest. I don’t want you to write that you’re happiest when having sex because that’s mostly dopamine. When are you truly the happiest?

For me, I’m happiest when I wake up next to my girlfriend after a great nap or a good night’s sleep. I look at her and think about how fortunate I am which triggers an outpouring of gratitude for all the other incredible things in my life.

Now I want you to write about your favorite physical feature. What do you feel your best physical feature is? Don’t think about how negatively you feel about yourself. Focus on the thing you like the most. Pick one. Is it your calves? Is it your jawline? Is it your broad shoulders? Write something down, whatever your favorite feature is.

Next, write down something you did that you didn’t think you could do. “Something I did that I never imagined I could do is…” and keep writing. Maybe you never thought you could ride a bicycle or swim or start a business or get married. There’s something in your life that you never dreamed was possible yet you still did it.

Now I want you to put yourself in the shoes of your friends and family and write down what you think they like best about you. If I asked your friends and family what they think is the best part of you, what would they say?

Here’s where I want you to pause. If you don’t know the answer to this question, I want you to email someone right now. Send them an email letting them know that you’re working on a self-improvement exercise. Explain that you have some homework that involves asking them for three things they like best about you. Thank them for their time and send it.

Pick a few close friends and family members, four or five, and ask for their input. It’s a powerful part of the exercise for two reasons. 1. You’ll probably receive some answers you’d never have thought of yourself and 2. It’s great to see some similarities from the various people you ask. It’s a confidence builder to read these things from people you care about.

Now go back to your paper. Finally, I want you to write down something kind that you did for someone. Whether you realized it was a kind thing while doing it or they let you know afterward, write about a kind deed you did for another person.

If you’ve read this far and haven’t written anything yet, stop reading right now. Get a pen and some paper and start writing. A successful reboot comes down to the action you’re willing to take. If you can’t follow a simple writing assignment, you’re going to struggle with your reboot. I guarantee it.

I’ll give you a quick outline of the questions to write about again:

• “My proudest accomplishment is…”
• “I am happiest when…”
• “My best physical feature is…”
• “Something I did that I never thought I could do is…”
• “My friends and family think the three best things about me are…”
• “Something kind I did for another person was…”

Sit down with those questions, brother, and write out your answers. Take as much time, ink, and paper as you need to answer them fully. Once you have your answers, sit back and read over what you wrote. Chances are there are quite a few things to appreciate about yourself. And while this isn’t going to give you an immediate self-esteem boost, it’ll surely set you on the track to developing the self-compassion you need to keep moving forward.

I’ve noticed that when it comes to the relationships of our typical clients, some relationships are great while others suffer.

Most of the men I work with are great at maintaining the relationships that pertain to their careers. Relationships with their clients, customers, employees, or coworkers are good because they see these people every day. They understand how to navigate the different scenarios that involve these other people.

Oftentimes they’re also good at maintaining other long-term relationships with childhood friends, close college buddies, and some family members. These long-standing relationships are important and easy to maintain because these people have been around for years.

People often assume the most problematic relationship for men struggling with compulsive sexual behavior is the one with their girlfriend or wife. Even with the problems that come with these relationships, though, they’re not the most challenging type.

Believe it or not, the relationships I find men in the Porn Reboot system struggling with the most are new relationships with other men. Does this apply to you?

It’s hard for a lot of men in the program to put themselves out there. This might seem surprising but a lot of successful men have maintained the same core group of friends for years. There’s nothing wrong with having that set group but problems arise when you’re unwilling to step out and make new friends.

This hesitation tends to stem from the shame and guilt of your out-of-control behavior. Over time you put yourself in the position where your circle becomes your family, your close male friends, the people you work with, and nothing more. Developing newer relationships is off the table, even when your existing relationships are dysfunctional.

But how do you overcome this?

Fix Your Relationship With Yourself

You need to have a good relationship with yourself before you can ever form a good relationship with another person. When you develop a compulsive behavior with pornography, masturbation, or sex, though, you do not have a good relationship with yourself. 

If you look at it a certain way, your addiction takes on the role of an abusive partner. It controls your every move and dominates your life. It doesn’t let you do anything healthy for yourself. Every time you try to engage in the appropriate self-care, it overtakes you. 

There’s that voice in your head telling you, “Hey, listen, you don’t need to do this meditation thing. Why are you calling a friend? All you need is me. Let’s hang out, open some tabs, and do that thing we enjoy.”

If you want to build healthy relationships with others again, you have to fix that relationship with yourself. This process starts with cutting the ties you have to the abusive part of yourself. It’s not an easy process but it’s worth doing if you want to overcome your out-of-control behavior.

A Reboot Relationships Exercise

I have a quick exercise you can do right now. This is all about building self-compassion. Grab a pen and paper and write down a mistake you’ve made that left you feeling inferior or embarrassed or ashamed. Write down every detail of this thing that takes up space in your head and makes you feel guilty and shameful.

Now I want you to imagine you have a close friend who made this same mistake. You love this person unconditionally and you want the best for them. You see them going through this terrible pain, feeling so inferior and beaten down by this mistake. 

So I want you to write a letter to them. What would you say to this friend? How would you approach helping them feel better? Which suggestions would you make? I want you to put pen to paper and write a letter to this friend who shared this mistake with you.

Once you’re done writing the letter, I want you to read it back to yourself. How does it feel to read that letter to yourself?  If you take the time to follow through with this exercise, I’d also like you to email it to me, too, with the title “Reboot Relationships.” I’ll read your letter and respond to it. 

Exercises like these are the first step to rebuilding your self-esteem. Rebuilding your self-esteem is the only way you’ll learn to form healthy relationships with new people in your life as well as strengthen the existing relationships you already have. In a few days I’ll let you know how you can continue working on your self-esteem.