Brothers, it hurts me to even have to say this but relapse to pornography is no reason to consider suicide.
I’m sharing this because I’ve spoken with brothers who considered it as a result of their sexual behavior during their reboot. Maybe you visited an escort while married or had sex with a man. Perhaps you’re struggling with your sexuality because you find yourself attracted to transgender individuals and aren’t sure where that places you.
I know these experiences are confusing and sometimes painful. It’s hard to understand the ways that porn addiction alters your sexual palate and makes you question your sexuality. Sometimes you may feel so lost and hopeless that suicide seems like the only way out. But I promise you that is far from the truth.
I found myself feeling the same way when I was at the lowest points of my porn addiction. I couldn’t see any way out and wasn’t sure how else to get the thoughts and behaviors to stop. However, knowing what I know now, I would rather be a porn addict for my entire life than commit suicide. Even if I hadn’t ended my behavior, choosing not to end my life gives me time to still find a solution.
Life is far too vast and too much of a magical gift to give up on because you can’t stop touching your dick. I’ve worked with CEOs of billion-dollar companies, megachurch pastors, politicians, athletes, trust fund babies, broke college students, and men in third-world countries. Porn addiction doesn’t care what your background is. No one is immune.
Many of these men have also considered suicide at some point. Porn addiction leaves men with health issues, financial issues, and broken relationships, but it’s the only coping mechanism that we have. This creates such an overwhelming sense of hopelessness that it may seem like ending your life is the one option left.
But you’re here on the Porn Addiction Recovery blog. You recognize that you might still have a chance. Even if everything is falling apart around you, you still have the time to read this blog post. That means you still have time to change your life and end your out-of-control behavior, thus ending your suicidal thoughts.
I don’t want to lose any brothers to the grips of porn addiction problems. I know what a difficult thing it is to live with. And I also know that it’s possible to escape. I am living proof, and so are the hundreds of other men in the Porn Reboot program building beautiful lives for themselves and their loved ones.
All you have to do is reach out for help. I don’t care how bad you think life is, it’s never bad enough that suicide is your only option. If your contemplations are serious enough, please reach out to an emergency service line first and seek out more intensive care.
If you’re not an immediate risk to yourself, consider talking with some brothers in the group. I guarantee you’ll find someone who understands exactly what you’re going through and who can offer help and hope. They serve as genuine proof that you can escape the chains of porn addiction, too.
This series is for men who are still struggling with their pornography addiction. It’s for men who haven’t made much progress and feel like they can’t stop the cycle. If you’re still slipping here and there, or if you’ve been stuck in a relapse, this series is for you.
Overcoming unwanted fantasies is a vital part of your reboot. You’re not going to make much progress in your reboot until you let go of these fetishes. I’m going to cover two techniques you can use to overcome your unwanted fantasies and move forward with your reboot.
What counts as an unwanted fantasy? When you’re done with your orgasm, an unwanted fantasy leaves you feeling:
Disgusted with yourself
Like you’re not a normal person
Self-loathing for having this fantasy
Like the fetish or fantasy is a deviant behavior
I want to stress that you’re not alone if you’re still stuck watching these unwanted fantasies. Men who struggle with pornography addiction usually find themselves watching different types of porn over time. What aroused you when you first started watching pornography likely isn’t as exciting as it was before.
Eventually, you might find yourself watching things you wouldn’t have even thought of at first. If your fetishes or fantasies leave you feeling uncomfortable after you’ve orgasmed, you’re at the point of unwanted fantasies. Most of us progress through various fetishes until we’re watching things we would have never imagined ourselves watching before.
So how can you overcome them? That’s what this series is about.
The first technique you can use to overcome unwanted fantasies is masturbation.
Yep. You read that right. You can use masturbation to destroy your unwanted fantasies.
Again, this technique isn’t for everyone. If you’re making progress in your reboot this post isn’t for you. It’s not an excuse to slip. You can’t use this as a cop-out to go deeper into your fantasy. This is for men still stuck at the beginning of their reboot. But how can you use masturbation to overcome your unwanted fantasies?
How to Use Masturbation to Overcome Unwanted Fantasies
First, you need to accept that this particular fantasy is unwanted. Sit down and spend some time thinking about the fantasy you want to let go of. For example, maybe you’re a straight man who watches gay pornography but you’re not actually gay. This is one of many different examples I could use.
Once again, this technique is only for men who are still struggling to stop their behaviors. It assumes you’re in the middle of a slip because you can only carry out the second step the next time you’re masturbating to your unwanted fantasy.
The second step happens in two parts.
First, once you’re masturbating to an unwanted type of pornography, switch your focus right before orgasm. Shift your focus to a fantasy that you’re okay with when you’re about to climax. This can be anything you find acceptable. For example, think about sex with your current partner or someone you’ve had sex with in the past and finish with this in mind.
At this moment you might normally feel disgusted with yourself. Since you’ve switched your focus, though, you should hopefully feel more comfortable. It might not be the best orgasm you could have had but it was better than finishing yourself off to the unwanted fantasy.
This next part is key. As soon as you’re limp I want you to immediately begin the unwanted fantasy again. This means if you were watching pornography with that unwanted fetish, I want you to go back to whatever you were looking at.
Now I want you to watch it again for about 10 minutes and don’t change it to anything else, regardless of how uncomfortable you feel. It doesn’t matter what your thoughts are or how awkward you might feel. I just want
you to watch it while you’re in the limp state.
Each time you find yourself slipping or relapsing to an unwanted fantasy I want you to do the same thing. Switch your focus from the unwanted fantasy to one you’re comfortable with right before you finish. Then go back and watch it over again after you’re limp.
After you try this for a while, you’re going to notice that your unwanted fantasies become less preferable. You’re going to lean more toward your desirable fantasy and away from the uncomfortable, unwanted one.
If you find this strategy isn’t helpful for you, though, there’s another approach you can try. There is a way out of the pornography cycle, brothers, I promise you that. You don’t have to feel controlled by your unwanted fantasies any longer. Stay here with the Porn Reboot group and you’ll uncover the parts of the system that work for you.
When you look back over the last year, do you feel like you aren’t where you thought you would be? Perhaps you set a few goals last year and imagined yourself in a far different place in your career, your relationship, or your reboot than you’re in right now. If this applies to you, maybe there’s some frustration or anger about your lack of progress. Maybe you’re wondering where you went wrong. Maybe you feel like even though you did the best you could, you’re still far off from where you should be. If you feel that way, I’m writing this for you today. I want to cover two common mistakes I see a lot of professional brothers make in their reboot.
You Mistake Your Ideals for Goals
An ideal is something that exists only in your imagination. It is something that is perfect or desirable but is not likely to become a reality. Let’s say that your dream life involves being in full control of your sexual behavior, having a powerful focus, and having freedom from experiencing shame, guilt, and uncertainty.
You want to have mind-blowing orgasms with your dream woman, a beautiful partner who brings you so much joy that you thank the heavens for blessing you with such a goddess. You plan to make $600 to $700,000 after taxes every year, have a seven- or eight-figure net worth, and contribute to causes that you believe in. Finally, you also want to have a fit, healthy body and become a master of your chosen field as you head into middle age.
Doesn’t that sound like the perfect life?
Sure it does, because it’s ideal. That life won’t be a reality for the majority of people. That’s the first biggest reboot mistake I see: mistaking your ideals for goals. There’s nothing wrong with setting some big goals for yourself but attaching to an ideal is where many men fall short.
Ideals are grandiose, imaginary scenarios. Goals are real-life milestones you establish in pursuit of those ideals. Unfortunately, I often work with men who think they’re chasing after their ideals but they don’t have a single goal in place. You must use your ideals to inform your goals, and as you achieve your goals you’ll find yourself closer to your ideals.
You Mistake Belief for Commitment
There’s nothing wrong with believing in your goals. In fact, you should be your biggest supporter in life. No one understands you quite as you do and no one can show up for you better than you can show up for yourself. Believing in yourself and your goals is a critical component of success.
Committing to your goals is the next step. Commitment means making a decision with an unwavering determination to execute the plans you set in place. You can’t follow through on your goals if you don’t commit to them. If you only make a half-hearted effort to meet your goals then you’ll never fully accomplish what you set out to achieve.
However, the second biggest reboot mistake I see is men who mistake belief for commitment. You can also believe in the alluring pull of lavish ideals, but you cannot commit to them. You can only commit to well-established goals. But even then you can believe in yourself and believe in your goals but that doesn’t mean you’ve committed to them, either.
Mistaking belief for commitment looks like a lot of exuberance and energy on the front end with little to no persistence or perseverance on the back end. It looks like setting some massive goals and feeling excited about them at first but losing steam once that excitement wears off.
There’s nothing wrong with believing in yourself but that belief only does something when you commit and execute. Too often I see men thrilled about their new pursuit of a porn-free life but when their reboot tasks become monotonous and the desperation wears off, they realize they were operating on belief rather than commitment.
Becoming Successful in Your Reboot
So, how do you avoid these mistakes and become successful in your reboot? First, you must define what your reboot looks like. Some guys are confused by this notion when I first bring it up. You might feel that way, too, and find yourself wondering, “Wait, J.K., isn’t that what I’m here for? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do for me?”
No, brother. No one can define your ideals except for you. Maybe the ideal life outlined above doesn’t even sound appealing to you. Perhaps you have a different outcome than you hoped for. That’s why you’re the only person who can define your ideals. Don’t set your ideals based on anyone’s expectations or standards but your own. It’s not up to your parents, your partner, your friends, or the gurus you follow online to tell you what your ideals are. It’s up to you alone.
Once you define your ideals, then you can set specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART) goals to achieve them. You can commit to your goals and begin pursuing your ideals.
Then you can share those goals with the group and receive support on your way to achieving your dream life. While each of our ideals and goals may differ slightly, the persistence and dedication required to achieve them are the same for all of us. Lean into the group because we can offer guidance based on our experience pursuing our specific goals and ideals.
Although some aspects of your reboot are highly individualized, that doesn’t mean you have to work on them alone. That’s what the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot group is for. We exist to surround one another and bring each other up on our individual journeys. You can easily avoid these two big reboot mistakes by getting in the middle of the group as you progress through your reboot.
Today I want to cover the importance of boundaries. The topic came to mind when a brother in the program brought up a fantastic question. He said:
“Hey, J.K. I’m trying to change my attitude towards boundaries. I’ve made decent progress, like understanding that boundaries are an investment in myself. I would like to hear your view on boundaries and what questions I could ask myself to get more perspective on their importance, not just for rebooting but life in general.”
The simplest definition of boundaries is the point where something ends and another thing begins. They are something you establish to keep yourself from acting out or engaging in behaviors that are not aligned with your values. We have boundaries in our reboot because they protect us from detrimental consequences.
For example, many men have an issue with slipping or relapsing when they go to bed at night. To avoid slipping before falling asleep, these men set a boundary of not having their phones in their bedrooms. They leave it charging in the living room, kitchen, or some other room where they cannot access it while they’re in bed.
While I do see where this brother is coming from when he says boundaries are an investment in himself, I still see them more as protection. Boundaries require humility. They require vulnerability and a willingness to admit there are things outside of your control. Any man who constantly violates his boundaries is a man who hasn’t fully admitted his lack of control over his behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation.
Another important thing to recognize about boundaries is that they are not set in stone. You should adapt your boundaries to your circumstances as you grow in your reboot. You’re not going to adhere to the same set of rules and guidelines when you have a year or more in the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot program that you did when you first arrived.
Single men in the group often set a boundary of no dating during the first few weeks or months of ending their out-of-control behavior. If they kept this boundary for the rest of their lives, though, it would be a miserable existence. It’s a crucial part of the early stages for men who struggle with their sexual behavior, but eventually, they need to get back out there and start learning to establish intimacy with a woman again. Their boundaries shift as they make progress and grow.
If these men had no boundaries around dating during their first few stages, they could very easily find themselves in more trouble than when they started. They might end up on a merry-go-round of quitting and relapsing without making any significant progress. But once they admit their lack of control and then set and stick to a boundary, they can make notable steps forward in their reboot. Once they’ve mastered the first few stages, then they can adjust their boundaries accordingly.
Another great example of adapting boundaries over time is social media. There is so much soft-core pornography on social media that it can feel impossible to avoid at times. Despite Instagram’s strict policies, there are plenty of pictures, videos, and accounts that leave almost nothing to the imagination. Setting a hard no-social media boundary is crucial for almost every man when he first shows up to the Porn Reboot program.
However, it’s also almost impossible to live life without some sort of social media engagement. Even joining the Porn Reboot Facebook group requires a Facebook account, after all. There are dozens of benefits to social media but we often misuse the tool when we’re deep in our addiction. As we progress through the process of rewiring our brains, though, we can learn to engage in a healthy way.
Social media helps you stay in touch with friends who move away and family members who aren’t close by. It empowers you to build businesses and promote products. You shouldn’t bar yourself from these benefits once you’ve started to control your out-of-control behavior. Your boundaries surrounding social media can shift as you rewire your brain.
However, it’s easy to take my point and apply it to pornography. You might think that after you’ve gone a certain length of time without engaging in out-of-control behavior you can do so in moderation. Maybe you tell yourself you can watch porn once a week, but soon enough you’re back in the throes of your addiction and often worse off than you were before. I see it happen with brothers all the time.
Some boundaries can change with time. Others should remain regardless of where you’re at in your reboot. This isn’t an area where you want to operate in isolation, though. Talking with accountability partners is a great way to determine when it’s time to reconsider an existing boundary or whether it’s one you should hold onto for a bit longer.
It’s incredible to think I have a YouTube channel today when I know for a fact that I would have slipped on YouTube in the past. I was the sort of person who went to bars, clubs, and lounges and relapsed when I came home unsuccessful and alone, but today I can enter these places and come home without a thought in my mind. Rarely do I go somewhere like that, but I know I can if I need to.
The same applies to you, too. As you progress in your reboot you’ll be amazed at the things you become capable of doing without slipping or relapsing. You have an entire life ahead of you, brother, and setting and respecting your boundaries are an important part of the process.
One of our brothers brought up a great question to the group recently. He said:
“What are your thoughts on strip clubs? I regularly attended clubs once or twice a month for two years before starting my reboot. At first, I thought it was good practice for me to talk to girls because it was almost guaranteed to happen every time.
“After a while, though, I got very attached to a few of the girls and it became difficult to manage my emotions around that. I knew they just wanted my money but it felt like something more at times. I loved the attention and the feelings of intimacy, even though I know it wasn’t genuine. What do you think?”
I want to preface my answer by saying I never went to strip clubs during my addiction. They were never my thing. I didn’t step foot into a strip club until just a few years ago when I was invited to coach a group of men during a conference. The conference was in Vegas and the particular session I headed up was held in the VIP room of one of the biggest strip clubs in the city.
I was over 10 years into my reboot by this point so the atmosphere did nothing for me. We arrived before the club was open to the public, before the seeming glitz and glamor of the night show. The girls sat around on their phones or chatting with one another but weren’t dolled up for the evening yet and they looked like normal girls to me. Without the heels and makeup, they seemed like any other girl.
When the session ended and we had to leave the club, though, the clients had arrived for the night and the girls’ transformations were complete. They were in their G-strings and stilettos, strutting around and commanding the attention of nearly every man in the room. It was a pretty wild thing to see, to watch the dynamic between these women and men. And it further confirmed everything I thought about strip clubs up to this point.
I don’t appreciate strip clubs because I believe we must earn intimacy. True intimacy is not something you can trade for a few dollar bills or drinks. It doesn’t happen under the flashing lights on a stage. It’s not going to stride up to you in 6-inch heels and sit down on your lap. Intimacy is something you earn through working on yourself and building a relationship with someone else, not buying their attention night after night.
Women who work in strip clubs are doing a job. They will say and do whatever it takes to get you to pull another bill from your wallet. This brother knows that’s true because he pointed it out in his question, too. But they’re good at what they do and it’s easy to believe that they truly care about you. This isn’t a knock on these women; they’re on their hustle, too. It’s a knock on the men who believe that they’re buying genuine intimacy for a few 20s and a couple of shots.
I believe strip clubs are a crutch. They keep you from having to do the work necessary to build true intimacy. Why would you transform yourself? Why bother learning to be vulnerable, open up, communicate, listen, and touch when you could get it immediately the moment you walk into a strip club? Sure, it might seem like good practice on the surface but it will only stunt your capabilities in the long run.
Strip clubs also feed into the false belief that women owe you attention and intimacy. A woman does not have to be sexual with you. She doesn’t owe you a damn thing, brother. But when you walk into a strip club, you believe that with a few dollars, you can convince a woman to do anything you want her to do.
Again – this is her JOB. Take away the environment you’re in and that woman wouldn’t give you the time of day. You aren’t building intimacy or practicing true connection by going to strip clubs and I encourage you to avoid them, brother. You’re fooling yourself if you truly think a strip club is a good place to work on talking to women.
Instead, I encourage you to learn the hard way. Reject the shortcuts and build the resilience it takes to earn true intimacy. Turn your focus inwards. Start sharpening your game. Figure out what you still need to work on and start working on it. How is your physique? Are you confident in your career? Do you have the financial resources to take women out or care for one when you do find a woman you’d like to date long-term?
It’s easy to resort to strip clubs when your self-esteem is low and you feel like you’ll never end up with someone. This is why working on yourself is so important. The more you build yourself up the more confident you become. You feel better about yourself when you look good and can provide for yourself. No woman wants a man who doesn’t care about his appearance or place in the world.
Even if strip clubs aren’t your thing, brother, this is a great approach to take. Anything we use in place of true intimacy, whether it’s strip clubs or porn or chat rooms or cam girls, all of it detracts from your ability to build genuine relationships. Once you remove these things from your life and begin building yourself up, you’ll start to see why earning intimacy is the preferable path.
Sure, it takes work. Sure, it comes with some rejection and heartache. But the potential relationships waiting for you on the other side are more than worth it. Take it from me – I’m with a woman I never would have landed while still in my addiction. It took turning my focus inwards, though, and building myself up to reach a point where I was ready for this type of relationship.
I am confident that porn addicts have no place in strip clubs. I’m sure my answer doesn’t surprise anyone who has been around for a while, but I wanted to expand on my thoughts a bit more. Until next time, brother.
I noticed something while reading some discussions in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group that I wanted to expound upon a bit. I realized that lots of brothers still blame pornography for the problems in their lives, some who are still in the early stages of their reboot, and others who have been around the program for a few months.
Some men were more overt about placing blame while others did it subconsciously and may not have noticed. Either way, these brothers are all wrong. Pornography is NOT the problem. You might think it is. After all, isn’t that why the Porn Reboot program exists in the first place? But it’s not. Pornography is not as powerful as you think it is.
Think about it. Pornography has existed for much longer than you can imagine. Porn came about as soon as men realized they were able to draw on cave walls. We have ancient dick art on the walls of caves that date back hundreds of centuries! You might think porn is the issue but millions of people watch it without responding to it the way we do. While the detrimental effects of porn are another conversation entirely, it still doesn’t have the same effects on others as it does on men with out-of-control sexual behavior.
If you still believe porn is the problem, you’ll keep yourself stuck in the cycle of porn addiction. It probably feels like an endless problem because you’ll see it everywhere if that’s what you’re focused on. Things shown in television programs are increasingly lewd, Hollywood can get away with more suggestive scenes in lower-rated films, and some social media posts are as close to porn as you can get. I’m not denying that temptations exist, brother. I’m fully aware of everything that’s out there. But so long as you continue believing that those temptations are the problem, you’ll continue acting out time and time again.
You’re looking at the wrong problem, brother.
The problem is not pornography.
The problem is that you are using pornography to medicate.
It’s not the porn that keeps you trapped in the cycle. It’s the emotion that comes up right before you turn back to porn to keep yourself from feeling it. You can’t treat the problem when you still believe it exists outside yourself. The moment you stop treating pornography as the problem and recognize the problem for what it truly is is the moment you begin to reboot.
Remember that we treat slips as data here at the Porn Reboot program. I’m not interested in porn so much as I’m interested in what led up to it. I don’t mean the conversation with your buddies at the bar either, the one that got your mind racing and led you to relapse the minute you got through your door at home. I’m interested in the in-between: what emotion did that conversation spark and what were you trying to medicate by watching porn and jerking off when you got home?
It’s not the porn, brother. Your buddies at the bar can go home and leave PornHub running on their TV without a second thought, but not you. And not me, either. We aren’t like those guys, but why? If it were the porn itself, your buddies wouldn’t be able to control themselves with porn on the TV in the living room. So why can’t we?
It’s the emotions we’re using porn to medicate.
You must recognize that the problem lies within yourself, not on PornHub or YouPorn or Instagram, or Hollywood movies. It’s not the women at the gym or women at work or women anywhere.
It’s you.
That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, though. It doesn’t mean you’re evil or pathetic or weak-willed. It simply means that you don’t respond to porn the way that other people do. But it also means that it’s your responsibility to find a way through. And it’s relieving to know that I’m the problem, not the porn because that means I am also the solution.
The same applies to you, brother. If you are the problem then you are also the solution. Your freedom from out-of-control sexual behavior doesn’t sit with any of the porn sites or social media or what women choose to wear. Your freedom from out-of-control behavior is within your power. It’s up to you to recognize that truth, take responsibility for it, and get into action.
It’s also relieving to know that you aren’t alone. You may feel like the only person in the world struggling with this problem, but if you were then the Porn Reboot program wouldn’t exist. We wouldn’t have pages of blog posts, hundreds of YouTube videos, and millions of podcast downloads. The problem affects thousands more men than you, brother, and all it takes is a quick look in our free Facebook group to realize you are not alone.
I invite you to take responsibility for the real problem and to join us on the path to freedom from out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Once you accept that you’re the problem and recognize that you’re also the solution, you can only go up from there. Join us, brother, and find the freedom you’ve been searching for. It’s right here; all you have to do is join in.
I want to spend the next few posts sharing some tips on how to level up your reboot. I’m going to break my three-step process down into three separate posts and cover each step in-depth. These three steps are crucial in ensuring I follow through on whatever I set my mind to. Each is an imperative part of the process when I accomplish the goals I set for myself.
Before I start, I first want to make it clear that there are plenty of things I start and fail at. I don’t accomplish every single thing I set out to do. But when I fail at something it isn’t because I suddenly quit on it and give up. If I fail at something it’s because the timing wasn’t right, I wasn’t well-prepared, or something along those lines. I never fail because I run out of motivation, give up, and throw in the towel.
Giving up is not something I do anymore. This is a value I aim to pass along to every brother in the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot program. Sure, you may have to quit things or fail from time to time, but it’s not because you’re lazy or lack the willpower to succeed. Learning when to let go of something instead of falling victim to the sunken cost fallacy is a crucial part of success.
Plenty of brothers waste precious weeks, months, or even years not knowing when to let go of a failure and move on to the next endeavor. Knowing when to quit is a skill, but quitting something because you lack motivation or ran out of steam is no longer an option.
You’re here because you want to succeed. You want to be successful in your reboot. You want to rewire your brain and end your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. I hope these three steps help you take another step in the right direction.
First Step: Make a Decision
The first step I use when setting out to accomplish something is to make a decision. I actively decide what I’m going to do based on the reality of my present circumstances. I can’t succeed at something if I don’t make an unwavering decision to move forward in that direction. So a decision is the first step.
Let’s say the big decision you’re facing right now is taking the necessary steps to end your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. You need to honestly assess where you currently are. What is your baseline at this point? How much are you acting out? What level of porn addiction are you at?
It seems easy on the surface but I find that many men, especially those early in their reboot, struggle with decisions. They trip themselves up and can’t make a decision because of two common mistakes I notice often.
Mistake #1: Comparing Yourself to Others
Continuing with our example of ending your out-of-control behavior, I often see men start comparing themselves to others. You might hear some stories on the podcast or read some on the blog and think you’re either not as bad as those guys or way worse. Maybe you think the vanilla porn you watch isn’t that bad, or the illicit material you watch makes you the worst guy in the group.
In reality, making comparisons is a huge mistake in either direction. You can’t decide to do something when you’re busy measuring yourself against others’ behavior. If you know something is right for you to pursue, you shouldn’t look around at what someone else is doing to decide whether you should take action. You already know you want to take action, so do it.
Mistake #2: Comparing Stories
The second common mistake is comparing your story to someone else’s. Say you hear about someone experiencing some big wins in their reboot. Maybe you join a coaching session and there’s a guy in the group who seems much further ahead of you. He’s only been part of the program for a month but he’s already quit entirely without a single slip or relapse.
Comparing stories puts you on the fast track to feeling down. It’s a dangerous thing to let yourself do. And once you start comparing stories, usually you’ll progress into making excuses for why you believe you’re further behind. You tell yourself you had it harder than he did, that if you only came from where he did then you could be that successful, too.
I hear things like this all the time. Guys tell me about growing up in poverty, being committed to a psych ward, spending time in foster care, having alcoholic parents, or whatever their particular experience consisted of.
Here’s the thing, brother: everyone has a story. Every guy has a reason to point at for why he is the way he is. And while your experiences are important, using them this way immediately puts you behind, but not for the reason you believe.
Wearing your negative experiences as a badge of victimhood is you giving yourself permission to be less successful.
And oftentimes you aren’t even aware of it.
Strip Away the Excuses and Decide
I want you to recognize whether you’re in the habit of comparing yourself and your story to others. If you find yourself doing it, it’s time to stop. Again, making a decision is the first step, but you must do it without considering others. You know what is best for you; decide, move forward, and quit second-guessing yourself.
It isn’t easy at first but the Porn Reboot system is designed to equip you with the self-confidence you need. You’ll learn to make decisions and trust them. But a decision is only the first step. A decision lays the groundwork but it doesn’t get you very far. The next step is even more important.
The Porn Reboot system isn’t something that promises you’ll end your out-of-control behavior in only a few weeks. We aren’t a quick-fix program shilling miracles for mere minutes out of your day. The system takes time to implement and follow through on, but that means you receive lasting results.
However, that also means that it can occasionally be a time-consuming process. It’s important to know how much time you should spend on your reboot, especially for men who lead busy lives. You may run a business or have a high-level position in your career. Perhaps you have kids and a spouse whom you want to spend quality time with. Maybe you have other interests such as continued education, hobbies, or other recreational pursuits. Yet you’re also struggling with an out-of-control behavior and ending it is one of your main priorities as well.
It’s something that almost every brother struggles with at some point during their early reboot stage. One of these brothers brought it up with a great question in the group. He asked:
“Hey J.K., I want to know how much you recommend the brothers make use of the group. I come on for less than an hour a week. I watch your Q&A on Tuesday. I ask my question Friday and I check in fortnightly on Sundays with some wins and progress, and then I’m straight off.
“Do you think that this is too little? I’d still like to be more active and read more posts, but I just can’t stand being on Facebook. It’s kind of triggering being on here due to years of using it to act out. Thoughts?”
As always, great question. I have a few thoughts I want to share on the matter.
Recognize the benefits of Facebook
I know that Facebook isn’t the platform of choice for some people but it’s proven itself to be the most effective way to run our group. It connects me with men from all walks of life, all across the world, and it connects these men, too. The reality is social media is here to stay, as well as whatever iteration follows after it.
Some men believe they can completely divorce themselves from technology. They think they can operate in the world without it. Unfortunately, brother, you may be able to for some time but the world is moving increasingly online. There are bills to pay, people to communicate with, events to hear about, and more, all of which are found online.
I believe it’s better to develop a healthy relationship with technology than it is to divorce yourself from it entirely. At Porn Addiction Recovery Reboot, we’re determined to continuously innovate as technology evolves. Participating in the Porn Reboot Facebook group is a great way to practice that healthy engagement alongside a group of men who are aware of both its positive and negative effects.
I know there are plenty of triggering things splattered across social media, but avoiding these platforms forever isn’t a lasting solution. Instead, you’ll learn to manage your nervous system and create a lifestyle where you actively choose to minimize access to triggering material while still engaging with Facebook.
Intentional engagement
The amount of time you spend using the group isn’t necessarily the most important indicator of progress. It’s not so much about how much time you spend using the group; it’s more about the quality of that time and whether it’s relevant to you. What are you actually doing when you hop into the Porn Reboot Facebook group?
The brother who asked this question sounds like he’s covering plenty of ground and using his time wisely. But it’s not always easy to determine where to place your focus, especially on the Porn Reboot system. We have a wide range of options for men struggling to control their behavior including:
Weekly live Q&As with me
Self-belief coaching with Coach Milan
Trauma-informed sessions with Dr. Jessica Eastman
Neural reprogramming with Coach Milan
Group sessions with Dr. Howard Rankin
You want to make sure you’re not just adding a few comments to the discussion and logging out for the day; you should make use of all the tools that apply to you. For example, Dr. Eastman’s sessions will be crucial if you experienced trauma in your past. If you’re struggling with limiting beliefs about your self-worth, Coach Milan’s sessions are invaluable.
We spent years isolated from others as we fell deeper into our pornography addiction. Connection is an integral part of the Porn Reboot system because it helps us learn to engage with others again. It keeps us from slipping back into our solitary lonely existence. Group sessions with Dr. Jessica, Dr. Howard, and Coach Milan are a great way to connect with other brothers who understand what you’re going through.
At the same time, you also don’t want the Porn Reboot program to become another thing that keeps you compulsively online. Create and implement a solid morning routine. Set up weekly check-in calls with your accountability partner or other brothers in the program. Don’t neglect the importance of our online sessions, but don’t neglect the importance of the real-life application of the system, either.
Take advantage of compounding benefits
It’s important to recognize the amount of time your reboot requires for success, not only from a scheduling standpoint and a time management standpoint but particularly because I want you to avoid making a big mistake that many men make: not taking advantage of the power of compounding benefits.
What is compounding, you ask? It refers to the ever-increasing benefits that come from developing and using strategies and coping skills to improve your life, as well as the positive impact of staying off pornography and controlling your behavior. These beneficial effects only compound when you’re consistent, though, and you can only be consistent when you operate on a schedule that works for you.
Lots of guys find themselves thrown off their routine by a trip, vacation, fight with their partner, health emergency, an especially busy week, losing a client, losing some money, or any other unexpected circumstance. There’s nothing wrong with going off-course for a bit because these disruptions to life are to be expected. But problems arise when you’re thrown off for weeks and can’t refocus and find your way back to your routine.
It’s easy to get derailed and stay there when you don’t have a set schedule to adhere to every week. When you join the Porn Reboot program, our strategists help you determine which areas to focus on and how much time you should dedicate to each. Taking advantage of this gives you a much better chance of staying on track so you can take advantage of compounding benefits.
The amount of time you should spend on your reboot varies from person to person. It also shifts as you progress further in your reboot. It takes more time to build a solid foundation in the beginning and then the daily time commitment gets shorter as your brain rewires. The most important thing to keep in mind when determining your time commitment to your reboot, though, is making sure you use that time as wisely as possible. One focused hour per day will yield far greater results than three mindless hours. Keep this in mind, brother, and you’re well on your way.
This is for the men who struggle with their self-worth, and who feel worthless despite putting forth their best effort. This post is for you if you’ve put in the work: reading books, listening to podcasts, watching videos, working with therapists, and so on. However, no matter what you do, it feels like the moment you’re hit with an urge you fold almost instantly.
Maybe you feel like there’s a level of complexity to rebooting that’s beyond you but you can’t seem to figure out what it is. It seems like you’ve tried it all yet you can’t come out on top. You’ve done everything within your power but nothing seems to work. You can’t find the wins because it doesn’t feel like you’ve experienced any, even all these years later.
Brother, I want to tell you that your intention matters. You are a good person. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t continue trying to end your behavior. You would give up, throw in the towel, cut your losses, and lean into the easier, darker path. But you’re still here.
A lot of men believe they are bad people if they don’t overcome their out-of-control sexual behavior, but I disagree. You must be a good person if you continue to try to end your behavior. I’ve spoken with thousands of brothers struggling with their compulsive behavior in over a decade of doing this work. Never once have I spoken with a man who wanted to end his problem with porn, sex, and masturbation so he could become a worse man.
I don’t care where you come from. I don’t care whether society brands you as an outcast. I don’t care that your family thinks you’re a monster. I don’t even care that society may have accused you of doing something criminal. I don’t care what you’ve done in your past. If you’re still here standing up after being knocked down time and time again, you’re a good human being.
I get emotional every time I speak or write about this because it affects me so personally. I didn’t think I was a good person. I thought I was a bad person. I thought I was a hypocrite. I thought I was terrible. I thought that if people knew the things I watched and the things I saw, they would never want to speak to me again and that ate me up inside.
It is worse when you get caught. It is worse when you have a record. It’s worse when people who love you, whether it’s your wife, kids, family, colleagues, or people from your church, cast you aside. And it’s the worst when you cast yourself aside because of your self-deprecation and negative self-beliefs.
But you’re wrong, brother.
I have a tremendous amount of respect for every man who continues to put up a fight against his behavior. You may have done some things you don’t want to talk about, but those things don’t define you as a person. You can still make changes in your life. You’re never too far gone to come back from the dark depths of your porn addiction.
I don’t know your future but I want you to know that if you feel like you’re wasting your time, you’re not. Every attempt to quit is another opportunity to stick with it. So long as you hold onto your intention, you still have a fighting chance. Because without intention, you don’t have a damn thing. You have nothing, absolutely nothing.
But men who hang onto that intent, you’re in a better place than those who succumbed to the darkness. Hundreds of thousands of men know they have a problem but have no intention of ending it. They don’t see the issue or they see it and choose to continue acting out. You aren’t that man, though; you’re here reading this right now and you still have a chance.
Intent also lays the groundwork for improving every other aspect of your life. That was the case for me when I started my reboot journey 15 years ago, and it’s the same case today. It’s why I started working out. It’s why I started fixing my finances. I started going to meditation retreats and looking deep within to understand what was happening.
Perhaps that’s where your changed behavior begins. You could be like some of the brothers who joined us by starting in the biochemistry reboot challenge we hosted a few months ago. They focused on their fitness and that propelled them into making the necessary changes to overcome their behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation, too.
It all starts with intent, brother, and if you have that intent then you ARE a good man. It doesn’t matter what the people around you say; trust that I believe in your ultimate good nature, and so does every other brother in the Porn Reboot program. But what you do from now on is up to you. What is your next step?
We’re here if you’re ready to make a lasting change in your life. Porn Addiction Counseling Reboot is far more than anything you’ve tried before. Our system is unlike other programs. You’ll rewire your brain and rebuild your entire life in the process. Every person on our team leads with compassion. It’s at the center of who we are and what we do. The results of that are evident in the hundreds of brothers we work with each month, and we’d love to have you join us, too.
I believe that when a man decides to move from the pre-reboot to the early reboot stage, he does so for one of three reasons:
Love
Duty
Fear
These three forces are the primary driving factors that push us to take the action necessary to end our out-of-control behavior. We all end up here for one reason or another but 99% of the time that reason falls into one of the three categories above.
Today I want to focus on fear.
Whether it’s the primary driving force or not, most men arrive at the Porn Reboot program filled with fear. Porn accompanied you for a large portion of your life and the thought of letting it go is terrifying. What does a life without porn look like? How will you handle stress or boredom? What will you do when an urge arises?
Pornography became your main coping skill over the years. Instead of using things like the gym, reading, or meditation to work through intense emotions or experiences, you turned to porn. That means most of the major events of your life were also coupled with porn use. Every big thing in your life has the hidden shadow of pornography behind it.
If you’re still young you may not realize the full extent of this yet. However, men who show up in their forties or fifties know exactly what I’m talking about. From getting married to launching businesses to making big career moves to having children, their porn use was always quietly along for the ride.
When these men finally make it to the Porn Reboot program, they’re terrified, and rightfully so.
I had a conversation with a potential client a couple of weeks ago. He’s a very successful executive who spent many years repressing his out-of-control behavior. He never fully committed to any one program and always put work ahead of any attempt to end his behavior. He ended up on a call with one of my reboot strategists and they passed him along because they thought he could benefit from a direct call with me.
This man explained everything I just wrote about. He didn’t know how to experience anything in life, good or bad, without turning to porn. He’s in his mid-forties with multiple decades of porn addiction under his belt and no tools to handle the problem. He was paralyzed by the thought of a life without pornography, no matter how beautiful it may be.
This fear drives men to the program but also keeps them from fully engaging with the system. Working through this fear is an important part of the early stage of their reboot so they can move forward into the middle and late stages.
Another fear that brings men to the Porn Reboot program is the fear of pain. Our compulsive behaviors with porn, sex, and masturbation cause a lot of pain. They instill pain not only in our lives but the lives of those we care about whether they know it or not. Even if your wife or children aren’t aware of your porn use, they’re aware of your inability to fully engage in their lives. They’re aware that you aren’t present the majority of the time.
The pain of this reality brings men into calls with our reboot strategists every day. He doesn’t want to feel it anymore and he wants to stop causing his family pain, too. Fear of further pain is a strong motivator and can quickly push you from the pre-reboot to the early stage.
Another common fear I hear is the fear of exposure, of people finding out the truth about your behavior. Maybe you’re a pastor or youth group leader, maybe you’re an executive or C-suite employee, or maybe you’re the coach of your kid’s soccer team. No matter what level you’re at, there’s a ton of shame that comes with pornography addiction. The thought of people discovering what you do or the things you watch when you’re by yourself at night is horrifying.
This fear brings men into the program willing and ready to do just about anything to end their behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. They can’t bear the thought of bringing shame to their wife and kids because of their behavior. The possibility of tainting the name of their business or company if someone found out about their addiction brings them to their knees.
So if fear brought you to the program, what exactly is that fear? What do you worry will happen or what has already happened that you fear will get worse? Fear is a powerful tool when it comes to ending your out-of-control behavior. But fear will only get you so far.
Fear is a good way to get into the program but you must take action to ensure you stay. I’ve talked with countless terrified men who eventually returned to the shadows of their addiction because they weren’t willing to commit to the work. They didn’t want to give up certain aspects of their life necessary for a successful reboot.
Fear is a motivator but it is not enough. No external force is enough to keep you engaged in the work required for reboot success. That driving force must come from within. You must reach a point during your reboot when it becomes about quitting for you, not for anyone else. When you’re ready to move past those fears and discover what you’re capable of, that’s when you find freedom in your reboot.
So, brother, what are you afraid of and what are you going to do to move through that and immerse yourself in the Porn Reboot system?
