This may seem a bit random but fitness is a common topic of conversation in the Porn Reboot group.
While it isn’t directly related to porn addiction recovery, it is a primary part of most men’s reboots. Building physical reboot capital is an important part of the overall porn addiction counseling reboot process. So I’m finally answering the question I often receive: “J.K., how did you build your physique?”
Firstly, I want to start by saying I’m not a personal trainer. I’m not certified to teach anything related to physical fitness. I don’t have any special education or credentials when it comes to nutrition or lifting weights. I can only speak from my experience as someone who has worked out since he was 17 years old.
Second, I also want to remind you that everyone is different. While the same basic principles of lifting and eating apply to everyone, each person has slightly varying needs. What worked for me may not work for you and vice versa. Ultimately, take my story as one of the many paths to physical well-being, but it may be the path that gets you started on a journey of your own.
Again, my interest in fitness started when I was 17. I was tall, lanky, and looked like a beanpole. My scrawny physique was a huge source of insecurity. I knew that if I built myself up and put on some muscle, though, people would look at me differently. I was awkward and couldn’t control my porn use but knew that I could do something about my physique.
I started by going to the gym and focusing on the compound lifts. That means squats, bench press, overhead press, and deadlifts. I knew that if I increased the weight I lifted, my body composition would have to follow suit. How many small guys can bench 225 pounds?
I also knew that I needed to eat to put on size. While today it’s considered bro science, when I first started lifting I learned that I was a “hard-gainer”. This meant I needed to eat a ton of food to gain weight. I cleaned up my diet to consist of traditional bodybuilder-type foods and I ate. It took a lot of food to keep me fueled up for my workouts and putting on size steadily.
After about 9 months of consistent lifting and eating, people started to notice the changes. My friends pointed out that I was getting bigger and strangers commented on how I looked. Although I still struggled with my out-of-control behavior, I now had an aspect of my life I could control. And it helped me build my self-esteem.
Once I built a solid frame, I then shifted my focus from compound movements to isolated movements. These include things like bicep curls, tricep extensions, lateral raises, and such. They’re movements that focus primarily on a single muscle to help build it up. I worked on muscle groups that were lacking to build a more well-rounded physique.
Writing it out makes it sound so simple and, honestly, it really is. Building a physique isn’t this big complicated ordeal that many fitness influencers would have you believe. You don’t need the latest and greatest equipment. You don’t need hundreds of dollars worth of supplements. You don’t need any performance-enhancing drugs, either. All you need is some weight, some food, and some consistency.
I still go to the gym regularly to this day. My routine has shifted over the years to accommodate changing interests, such as martial arts or bodyweight exercises, but the basics are the same. Lift hard, eat well, and focus on recovery. It takes time for changes to occur but if you commit to the process, you’ll find your physique grows, too.
It’s also a vital part of the general porn addiction recovery process. I don’t mean building up a massive physique, but I do mean some type of physical fitness. You should be lifting weights, playing a sport, or participating in some other kind of activity. Trying to quit porn without getting your energy out will leave you spinning in circles.
Join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group to see what other brothers are doing for their fitness. Share your experiences with us and let us know where you’re at in your fitness journey. We’re always working together to become better men free from the chains of our out-of-control behavior. I invite you to join us today.
Making your partner feel loved and cared for requires more time, work, and attention when they live hours away from you. Maintaining a long-distance relationship while struggling with out-of-control sexual behavior is even more challenging.
One of the brothers in our Porn Reboot group recently asked about maintaining a long-distance relationship while in the middle of his reboot. His question focused on two main concerns: phone and video sex, and general reboot management while in a long-distance relationship.
When it comes to phone sex during your reboot, I believe the answer should always be no. This is especially true for video call sex on FaceTime or Skype. Even though it’s your partner on the other side of the screen, the experience is almost no different than other virtual forms of erotic stimulation.
Your brain can’t tell the difference between your partner and any other pornstar on the screen. Sure, at face value you know that it’s the person you’re committed to. But at the same time, it’s a false sense of intimacy and connection. Engaging in video call sex, even with someone you’re in a committed relationship with, places you at risk of a porn addiction relapse.
An important part of the porn addiction recovery process is gearing your brain away from the preference for high-speed internet pornography and toward physical intimacy in real life. It’s difficult to maintain a long-distance relationship without a frequent sexual component. However, if you want to be successful in your reboot, you must avoid engaging in sexual stimulation through the phone.
That brings us to the general concern of maintaining a long-distance relationship while rebooting. Truthfully, I’m not the biggest supporter of long-distance relationships that last for years. I believe that they can be a serious threat to your reboot because they keep you from building the intimacy necessary to have a healthy relationship.
Long-distance relationships are challenging for people who don’t already have problems with porn addiction effects, sex, and masturbation. Men who can jerk off and go on with their day are better suited for these types of relationships. But brothers in the Porn Addiction Counseling are not able to have that luxury.
Learning to be physically intimate with a partner is an important part of the reboot process. Being in a relationship with someone who lives miles, hours, or even states away makes that harder to do. You cannot work on your physical intimacy when you only see your partner every so often. When you find yourself physically unsatisfied, you’re far more likely to turn to your out-of-control behavior for relief.
I believe that men who are rebooting should seek out relationships with women who live nearby. You shouldn’t have to drive more than an hour to meet up with the women you’re dating. There are so many hundreds of women in the world that limiting yourself to a long-distance relationship only adds unnecessary stress.
Looking at my life and pulling positive data from it slowly became an ingrained habit.
Reframing anxiety.
I have plenty of experience struggling with anxiety and procrastination. Both of these things used to consume me and dictated every decision I made a day in and day out. I never made much progress because I worried about outcomes which left me putting off tasks I needed to complete to move forward in life.
Thankfully, over the years I’ve learned to control my anxiety and procrastination. They are no longer the same driving forces they used to be. Still, I sometimes find myself stuck in old ways of thinking to this day. For example, last week I procrastinated on some very important tasks and obligations but couldn’t bring myself to care.
I used to spend weeks in this state of mind but nowadays it’s rare that I stay there for more than a few hours. I was on day three of this feeling, though, and it started to get to me. As I sat in the gym on the morning of that third day, I started breaking down exactly what was going on. Why was I procrastinating so much?
I had so many things to do. There were clients to speak with, paperwork to sign and send off to my team, sessions to attend, individuals to keep accountable, and certifications to complete, but none of this was out of the ordinary. All of these tasks are ongoing things I deal with as a regular part of my work and life. Why did I feel so overwhelmed?
While sitting in the gym between sets I finally realized what was different: at some point, I attached a negative outcome to these things which contributed to my growing anxiety. I spend the majority of my time assigning positive effects to situations but occasionally I still slip, and that’s where I found myself on day three of my procrastination stint.
I know I’m not alone in this experience. I’ve spoken with hundreds of brothers over the years that find themselves wracked by an unshakable bout of procrastination, and we can often trace it back to the outcomes we assign to circumstances. Do you deal with this porn addiction effects sometimes, too? Do you find yourself anticipating negative outcomes and feeling your anxiety increase as a result?
All anxiety does is waste energy on a future outcome, one that isn’t guaranteed. You have no idea what the true outcome will be but that doesn’t stop you from expending precious energy worrying about what may happen. That buildup of negative energy typically manifests itself as procrastination as you work yourself into a ball of stress over outcomes that have yet to arrive.
The outcome I attached to my situation was the primary difference between those three days and the thousands of other days where I had all the same responsibilities. Nothing about my external circumstances had changed, only the way I looked at those circumstances.
As I sat there I also thought back to the week before. A few days prior I sat in the same gym but with a much different mindset. I received a message from my CPA asking my CFO and me to review my tax returns for approval, and attached to those tax returns was a high six-figure number I wasn’t at all anticipating. It was so much higher than I expected, and not only was I not prepared for that figure but I was not expecting my response, either.
You would probably assume that I felt anxious, nervous, or angry, but I only sat there and felt delighted. Delight. Can you believe that? I found out I owe Uncle Sam far more than I thought I did and yet I was overcome with excitement. Why? Because owing that much means I’m making financial progress in my business endeavors.
I wasn’t worried about how to pay for it – I knew I would be able to. I didn’t shift straight into business mode and start handling it, either. I simply sat with the feeling of joy and gratitude at my circumstances, then I sent a screenshot of the message from my CPA to my mom. What person in their right mind receives that news and feels thrilled?
Honestly – that’s what a person in their right mind should do. And it proved that my mindset was to blame for my three-day procrastination stint. Nothing changed from last week to this week aside from how I chose to look at the situation. When I received the news about the taxes I owed, I viewed it in a positive light because it meant I achieved more this year than last year. But now under the same set of circumstances, I found myself not giving a damn and putting off some of the simplest tasks on my list.
It’s easy to discredit how powerful our minds are. Anxiety and procrastination are closely connected. If you’re struggling with one, chances are you’re probably dealing with the other to some extent, too. But anxiety isn’t necessarily a bad thing. While talking with one of the brothers in the Porn Reboot program, he shared something with me that he heard from another mentor of his: “Anxiety is the emotion of growth.”
I love that reframe because it couldn’t be more accurate. Anxiety is simply an emotion encouraging us to take action, but too often we pathologize it and turn it into something more than it is. We often hear that anxiety is out of our control, that it’s a part of us rather than something we experience. But that is false. Anxiety reveals an opportunity for growth, and I guarantee you that taking action instead of procrastinating will provide a positive outcome, not a negative one.
We don’t grow when we give in to anxiety. Instead, we feed those negative outcomes that we anticipate. However, when we choose to use anxiety as fuel for action, we shift the negative assumptions into positive results and place another brick in the foundation of our new life.
One of our brothers brought up a great question to the group recently. He said:
“What are your thoughts on strip clubs? I regularly attended clubs once or twice a month for two years before starting my reboot. At first, I thought it was good practice for me to talk to girls because it was almost guaranteed to happen every time.
“After a while, though, I got very attached to a few of the girls and it became difficult to manage my emotions around that. I knew they just wanted my money but it felt like something more at times. I loved the attention and the feelings of intimacy, even though I know it wasn’t genuine. What do you think?”
I want to preface my answer by saying I never went to strip clubs during my addiction. They were never my thing. I didn’t step foot into a strip club until just a few years ago when I was invited to coach a group of men during a conference. The conference was in Vegas and the particular session I headed up was held in the VIP room of one of the biggest strip clubs in the city.
I was over 10 years into my reboot by this point so the atmosphere did nothing for me. We arrived before the club was open to the public, before the seeming glitz and glamor of the night show. The girls sat around on their phones or chatting with one another but weren’t dolled up for the evening yet and they looked like normal girls to me. Without the heels and makeup, they seemed like any other girl.
When the session ended and we had to leave the club, though, the clients had arrived for the night and the girls’ transformations were complete. They were in their G-strings and stilettos, strutting around and commanding the attention of nearly every man in the room. It was a pretty wild thing to see, to watch the dynamic between these women and men. And it further confirmed everything I thought about strip clubs up to this point.
I don’t appreciate strip clubs because I believe we must earn intimacy. True intimacy is not something you can trade for a few dollar bills or drinks. It doesn’t happen under the flashing lights on a stage. It’s not going to stride up to you in 6-inch heels and sit down on your lap. Intimacy is something you earn through working on yourself and building a relationship with someone else, not buying their attention night after night.
Women who work in strip clubs are doing a job. They will say and do whatever it takes to get you to pull another bill from your wallet. This brother knows that’s true because he pointed it out in his question, too. But they’re good at what they do and it’s easy to believe that they truly care about you. This isn’t a knock on these women; they’re on their hustle, too. It’s a knock on the men who believe that they’re buying genuine intimacy for a few 20s and a couple of shots.
I believe strip clubs are a crutch. They keep you from having to do the work necessary to build true intimacy. Why would you transform yourself? Why bother learning to be vulnerable, open up, communicate, listen, and touch when you could get it immediately the moment you walk into a strip club? Sure, it might seem like good practice on the surface but it will only stunt your capabilities in the long run.
Strip clubs also feed into the false belief that women owe you attention and intimacy. A woman does not have to be sexual with you. She doesn’t owe you a damn thing, brother. But when you walk into a strip club, you believe that with a few dollars, you can convince a woman to do anything you want her to do.
Again – this is her JOB. Take away the environment you’re in and that woman wouldn’t give you the time of day. You aren’t building intimacy or practicing true connection by going to strip clubs and I encourage you to avoid them, brother. You’re fooling yourself if you truly think a strip club is a good place to work on talking to women.
Instead, I encourage you to learn the hard way. Reject the shortcuts and build the resilience it takes to earn true intimacy. Turn your focus inwards. Start sharpening your game. Figure out what you still need to work on and start working on it. How is your physique? Are you confident in your career? Do you have the financial resources to take women out or care for one when you do find a woman you’d like to date long-term?
It’s easy to resort to strip clubs when your self-esteem is low and you feel like you’ll never end up with someone. This is why working on yourself is so important. The more you build yourself up the more confident you become. You feel better about yourself when you look good and can provide for yourself. No woman wants a man who doesn’t care about his appearance or place in the world.
Even if strip clubs aren’t your thing, brother, this is a great approach to take. Anything we use in place of true intimacy, whether it’s strip clubs or porn or chat rooms or cam girls, all of it detracts from your ability to build genuine relationships. Once you remove these things from your life and begin building yourself up, you’ll start to see why earning intimacy is the preferable path.
Sure, it takes work. Sure, it comes with some rejection and heartache. But the potential relationships waiting for you on the other side are more than worth it. Take it from me – I’m with a woman I never would have landed while still in my addiction. It took turning my focus inwards, though, and building myself up to reach a point where I was ready for this type of relationship.
I am confident that porn addicts have no place in strip clubs. I’m sure my answer doesn’t surprise anyone who has been around for a while, but I wanted to expand on my thoughts a bit more. Until next time, brother.
If you’re an entrepreneur, own your own business, or work in a top sales job, you know that your revenue and income depend entirely on your performance.
That’s it. If you’re clear-headed, energized, and motivated, you’ll do well. If you’re foggy, tired, and irritable, your performance deteriorates and so does your income.
When you’re an entrepreneur or sales pro who struggles with out-of-control sexual behavior or pornography addiction, you’re likely in the second category more often than you want to be. It’s exhausting to battle compulsive sexual behavior and porn addiction. These things consume most of your attention and time, leaving you with little time to do much else.
The dollar difference between these two states of mind can be anywhere from tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars for men in these high positions. Think about your situation. How much money do you lose out on because you leave it on the table working at a 6 out of 10 instead of a 9 out of 10?
This segment of men in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot program is important to me because it’s where I came from. I wasn’t a top performer at my sales job for the years I spent trapped in the cycle of porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. But my performance skyrocketed the moment I finally said no to pornography for good.
I became a top recruiter in the sales organization I worked at within a few months of ending my behavior. A few years later, my company promoted me to a director position. Even with that position, I was still out in the field, selling alongside my team, and making thousands in additional revenue from the commission.
I credit that mindset, the clarity and focus that allowed me to perform at that high level, to the porn-free life I finally found myself living. I wouldn’t have been able to remain focused and maintain the level of intensity and dedication I need to live my life at this level.
The problem with pornography addiction is the secretive nature of the problem. Men who battle alcohol or drug addiction have a harder time hiding their struggles. It’s easier for them to get help because family or friends tend to intervene after a certain point. But that’s not always the case with porn or compulsive sexual behavior.
At the same time, the impact of porn addiction is just as bad, if not worse, especially for high-performing professional men. It can destroy your life before you even realize what happened. I’ve seen it time and time again in men who join our program.
So I have some questions for you. Do you want to perform better? Do you want to skip years of struggle straight to the breakthrough? If you do, it’s time to remove pornography from your life. It’s holding you back from performing at the level you need to be at. You can’t fulfill your potential when you’re wrapped up in watching porn and jerking off. You need to make some changes.
You can start by reading a few more blog posts here or checking out our YouTube channel. We’ve also got a free Facebook group where you can join other men on the path to eliminating porn from their lives and controlling their behavior. You don’t have to deal with your problem alone – we’ve all been where you are and know what it takes to get out.
It might come as a surprise to you but I’ve worked with a lot of pastors over the years. These men are charismatic and influential figures within their congregation. They’re looked up to as father figures, as mentors, as guides, as coaches. They managed to succeed despite their struggles with pornography that went on behind the scenes.
This wasn’t the case for me. When I was in the midst of my pornography addiction I was certainly not charismatic. I didn’t know how to communicate, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t even study. I had a hard time in college because the anxiety was so overwhelming and speaking up in front of people was out of the question.
It’s interesting that many pastors I work with hide their pornography addiction for years, but still find a way to succeed in spite of it. How do these pastors, or men in other similar influential positions, stay successful while battling their out-of-control behaviors? What qualities do they have that empower them to maintain a positive public image while struggling behind closed doors?
Influential Men Share Some Common Traits
I’ve found that these influential men have several traits in common. They share a set of characteristics that let them keep up appearances while clamoring with their demons in their personal time. The following are a few of these traits I’ve noticed over time.
Narcissistic
Most of these outwardly influential men I work with share a narcissistic trait. They believe in themselves to the point of delusion. These men believe they’re here for a specific purpose that they’re uniquely designed and qualified to fill. Sometimes this masquerades as their calling. They believe they’re fulfilling a calling that they’re destined to follow.
Obsessive-Compulsive
I also notice these men display obsessive and sometimes even compulsive tendencies. They’re obsessed with specific tasks and will not step back from or let go of them until they’re completed to perfection.
Exaggerated
Influential men tend to err on the side of dramatics, theatricality, and general exaggeration. They’re expressive when communicating and are especially capable of drawing people in with their message. Placed in the right environment, these exuberant communicators have a knack for becoming successful.
Covering the Pain of the Past
Many of these influential men I work with come from a history of trauma. They experienced some form of abandonment, neglect, or abuse that caused a deep psychological wound. Pornography or other out-of-control behaviors offered some distraction and relief from the pain of their past.
As they grow up and take on an influential role, like those who become pastors, they start to gain some form of status and power. People look up to them and appreciate their contributions to the world.
Members of their congregation thank them for the sermon they gave. Couples appreciate the guidance and support they receive during marriage counseling. Their inbox is filled with messages from people who respect and look up to them, who are grateful for their message.
These men gain a sense of positive validation from their growing prestige. It instills a belief that they’re still okay, even if they’re struggling behind closed doors. They cover their feelings of shame with the positive feedback they receive from their parishioners.
But How Do They Hide?
How do these influential individuals keep their behaviors hidden, though? What is it that keeps them getting away with it for so long? I’ve noticed two things in particular over my years of working with dozens of men in this position.
Trust
Influential men build trust with their congregation or their followers over time. People assume pastors, priests, and other religious leaders prescribe to the precepts of their religion. They’re seen as a direct conduit to God, someone who communicates directly with a deity. Parishioners trust their minister because of the religious beliefs that they assume their minister adheres to.
Once they’re in this position, they feel they have a responsibility to their congregation. They’ve built a sense of trust that they don’t want to break. They love what they do and want to maintain the work they’ve done, but don’t know how to stop their behaviors.
Isolation
Many of these men spend a good portion of time alone. You’ve probably heard that saying, “It’s lonely at the top.” Leaders have things they alone are responsible for. They’re in a position that places a tremendous amount of pressure on them. They feel they need to be a perfect person, one who can overcome it all.
This pressure increases their feelings of isolation. It feels like no one understands what they’re dealing with, especially when they’re balancing a pornography addiction. This forces them to push the secret of their addiction further and further into hiding.
Facing Fear and Rebooting
It seems easier for these men to look at the appreciation and trust of their congregation and use it as a reason to keep their addiction hidden. They don’t want to disappoint their congregation, their families, or themselves. When they’ve spent years building their identity, success, and livelihood around their image in the church, it’s terrifying to confront the truth. It’s terrifying to finally acknowledge the reality of the situation they’re in.
I do want to be clear: the pastors I work with are not bad men. They’re not intentionally harming the people who trust and believe in them. That’s what makes pornography addiction such a difficult battle to fight. These men aren’t inherently bad but they have developed a harmful behavior they must overcome.
There is a ton of fear that comes with overcoming pornography addiction as a pastor. But pastors who want to overcome their behaviors must eventually accept the devastating situation they’re in. They must face the reality of their position if they want to reboot successfully. And I’m here to assure you that pastors can have a successful reboot, too.
Pastors and other influential men can reboot just like everyone else in the Porn Reboot group. As long as they commit to changing and apply the system in their life, they can leave their pornography addiction and out-of-control behaviors behind. The Porn Reboot system works for any man willing to take responsibility for his behaviors and make changes in his life!
Do you remember when you were a kid and your imagination allowed you to visualize an amazing life?
I remember watching movies with my friends as a kid and pointing out the fast cars that the heroes and villains in the movies were driving and claiming their cars as mine when I grew up. I remember the beautiful actresses that I would marry one day and the physiques of those on-screen action heroes that I would one day possess.
The funny thing was that I really believed everything I said!
Have you ever wondered why none of the wonderful things you imagined as a kid ever happened to you?
Like, as kids it wasn’t as if all our dreams were impossible. In fact, for the majority of people living in a first world or developed country, things like creating wealth, dating or getting married to a certain type of person, driving a specific car, living in a certain type of neighborhood aren’t goals which are out of our reach.
Yet, for many men, as they go into their twenties, thirties, and forties, these things just completely slip off of their grasp. When you add porn, masturbation or sex addiction to the mix, you find yourself stuck in a hole of mediocrity with no way out.
Let’s talk about that.
Do you feel sick and tired of the endless monotony of your life?
Are you frustrated and unsatisfied with the direction things are headed, but still believe you could live a more satisfying life if you had a chance?
Is there an area of your life that you struggle with that you can’t seem to shake no matter how hard you try?
Seriously, how many of you ride in your cars, and when a high energy song comes on you begin to daydream about the awesome life you could have had then wondered why the fuck your life is so shitty right now?
You wanted to:
Find a purpose in life and follow it till the very end, but now you are stuck in a 9-5 job which you are not satisfied with, and trying to figure out if your 401k will be enough for you to survive on when you are an old man full of regrets.
You thought you’d have it all figured out by your mid-twenties, but now you are not on track to be where you hoped you’d be and you have NO IDEA if you’re even on the right path.
Maybe you’re one of those highly motivated success minded hustler types.
You read books like the 4 Hour Work Week, or Rich Dad Poor Dad, or Think and Grow Rich, decided to become wealthy, but ended up in debt up to your eyeballs, payment plans till infinity, and becoming wealthy is only a dream because you are always in survival mode…always.
You dreamed of seeing the world with the gorgeous woman of your dreams by your side, but now all you get in life is two weeks vacation and an average girl whom you don’t have the balls to leave because you’re afraid you can’t do better.
You spend more time watching porn than having sex with her.
So what went wrong?
You did the reasonable thing. You followed the right path, but how come your life sucks?
This is not a YOU problem. It’s a MAN’s problem.
Men today are no longer striving for greatness- even though we live in the best time in history to achieve all our dreams.
We’re numbing our minds with porn, video games, TV and whatever else technology has to offer us.
In the meantime, did you know that Men are and 9x more likely than women to be addicted to sex or pornography?
Women initiate 70% of all divorces, leaving us devastated, broke, and at the mercy of a court system which prioritizes women.
Men are 4x more likely to commit suicide
Men are more likely to be sexually abused as children and adults ( thanks to the prison system)
Heres the interesting thing. With all these stats against men, you’d think they would reach out for help- but no.
Men are far less likely to reach out for help and support than women. Women have numerous support communities online which help them overcome addictions, abusive relationships and help them start businesses which is one reason why women start businesses at a much higher rate than men.
Let me make one thing clear:
Having a recovery coach or a mentor does not imply that you are a weakling, or that you are not capable of doing something for yourself. Instead, recovery coaching and mentorship allows you to grow faster by taking advantage of the experience and point of view of a person who is already where you want to be.
A person with training and a background in addiction recovery who will hold you accountable, call you out on your bullshit and give you the straight truth without sugar coating it.
Someone who is not afraid to offend you and cares more about your success than your feelings.
If you think you can make it not just past porn, but on to greater things in your life without a coach, you’re fighting a losing battle.
No one does this on their own.
Show me a man who has successfully recovered from his addiction and I will show you a mentor hiding somewhere within his self-made story.
If you aspire to a great life, you’re going to need help getting there. More than anytime in history, men need mentors to guide them towards achieving greatness in life, relationships, and business.
Here’s why a recovery coach is so useful and necessary to you today.
1) Serious Accountability
Anyone can tell a therapist they will do something, then not do it. It’s an entirely different story with a strong, masculine mentor and recovery coach.
It’s about being a man. You develop a bond based on mutual respect with a mentor.
Men keep their word- especially to other men whom they respect. The greatest shame you will feel is when you have let another man down.
Many men have formed a habit of casually not keeping their word. They have no idea what masculine accountability is. Being around strong men who demand accountability is a requirement to grow as a man.
When you have a masculine mentor keeping you accountable, you’re not a weak person. You are a smart man for investing in yourself with a man who will help you become your greatest self.
Weakness is shying away from help because you think it makes you look silly or like a pussy. True strength is asking for help where it is needed.
2) You need a person who doesn’t just listen but challenges you to step up
A good recovery coach will call you on your bullshit before your story even begins.
A counselor, therapist or psychiatrist will do three things:
a) Listen to you, which is great
b) Give you a prescription for a drug
c) Work with you in a group with other men and encourage you to share your feelings.
These are all fine, BUT a lot of men have therapists even though deep down they KNOW they aren’t accomplishing anything. All they have is an allotted time to unload their guilt to someone who will listen, then go right back to the behavior that’s destroying their life.
Come on!
You know you can bullshit your therapist and the reality is that you actually like doing that because it takes away responsibility from you and you feel like you are doing something.
With a recovery coach, with a mentor, you have to step up.
With a counselor, therapist or psychologist, you can keep acting like a little child and manipulating them and they’ll let you get away with it.
A recover Recovery Coach/Mentor will tell you:
“I see your challenge. Instead of dwelling on the past, let’s move forward and grow with this challenge. I’ve been where you are and I feel your pain. I overcame that very issue without sitting on a therapists couch for years, taking medication, or spending a fortune.”
A recovery coach listens to you- but deeply, beyond your words. He only speaks the truth and is only concerned with actions that get you specific results. Results that lead to growth.
During the process, you will discover that overcoming all the challenges you faced in the past are the very things that make you a strong, complete man.
A recovery coach will not allow you to run or hide from your challenges. He will guide you towards battling them face to face and in the process, you will grow in strength and resilience.
It certainly won’t be easy. But it will be worth it.
3) Discussing dating, relationships, and women with your friends and family is always a failing move
If you are aiming to overcome your porn addiction and create great relationships with women – relationships bursting with deep intimacy and connection, your friend who has been in a relationship and is now engaged to marry his high school sweetheart is not your best go to.
Your friend who has been a “natural” with women from day 1 has no idea what he is doing- he just does it and women love it. Your female friends can only tell you to just be yourself and the right woman will show up. But you know that your relationships with women are nowhere close to where you wish it to be.
Some of the best men’s recovery coaches have a background in dating, pickup and some sort of formalized dating training. Over time, that approached usually evolves into a healthier method of working with men.
A good mentor will start from the inside. He will teach you that being accepted by women, being attracted to the women you deserve begins with loving yourself. It begins with developing healthy self-esteem.
After that, you’ll know for the first time, the exact sort of woman that you desire. He’ll coach you into finding out where this woman hangs out, what she enjoys, and the specific aspects of your personality and lifestyle that she finds attractive. Many men can picture their ideal woman, but they are simply searching for her in the wrong places.
4) Didn’t have strong masculine role models while growing up
Perhaps you grew up without a father or, more likely you grew up with a father who wasn?t emotionally present for you. Maybe your father was a great man and did his very best, giving all he knew how to give.
Maybe your struggle with dealing with conflicts and you always try to avoid them, because you don’t want any problems. Maybe you have no idea what to do with attractive women.
Maybe you’re a submissive nice guy who always finds himself seeking men and women’s approval.
Maybe you’re the driven alpha male- always hustling, always struggling to validate yourself through hard work, financial and career achievement, nice cars, brand name item, and sexy women to mask your deep-seated pain.
Maybe you’ve even been described as feminine. There is nothing wrong with that. The masculine must eventually balance it out.
A masculine mentor will take your masculinity to the next level or several levels. He has demonstrated (not tell you) the healthy way to be authentic, respected and have all your physical, emotional and spiritual needs met without compromising your values.
5) Women subdue your masculinity
Everywhere today, women are wondering: “Where are all the real men??”
The real men are out there they just don’t know how to bring forth their masculinity.
To you, Women have become mere objects to be conquered sexually. Every time you are in the presence of an attractive woman, you are sexualizing her, wondering what she looks like naked or what it would be like to have sex with her.
The more attractive she is, the higher on a pedestal you place her. Women know this, and as result, they emasculate you and treat you like a kid.
You have only yourself to blame for this behavior as a result.
A recovery coach will not only show you how to maintain your masculinity with women, but how to magnify it so that there is no doubt in her mind that she is in the presence of a real man.
6) You are stumbling through the wilderness with no purpose
When was the last time you ask yourself:
Who the fuck am I??
What do I truly want for my life??
You work for someone else whom you don’t like and who dictates your hours and even your finances.
You keep your opinions to yourself even when your boundaries are crossed.
You drink, watch porn, smoke weed, browse facebook and watch sports to numb the pain of having no idea who the fuck you are.
You buy houses, cars, clothes, and electronics to make you feel good. Two weeks later, that new device isn’t making you as happy as it did initially- it’s just another object.
You are a fucking MAN.
Men need a mission. Men need something to conquer, something greater than them.
A recovery coach reignites the fire that died within you. He guides you towards your unique mission – One that you are willing to give your heart and soul to.
7) Emotional Freedom
Men are conditioned to keep their emotions bottled up. Crying is for little bitches. Showing emotion is seen as weakness.
The reality is that true strength in a man comes from vulnerability. Keeping your emotions deep inside you only cause pain and eventually leads to you releasing them in unhealthy ways.
Men process emotions differently from women. A mentor does not fear emotions- neither his nor yours and he will teach you how to handle emotions in a masculine way.
8) Going through life without close male friends.
Close male friends are not your boys that you grab drinks with, but real men who are supportive of you.
Men are afraid to approach other men and tell them they have a fear or problem because they are afraid that they will be told to shut up and Man up.
I GUARANTEE you that ANY man who cannot connect with other men is a sad, sometimes depressed and most definitely lonely man.
As a human being, you have a need for connection- without it, you are incomplete and you will wither. Men are literally killing themselves because they have no outlet. No one talks about it because society does not care to broadcast the statistics of men who take their lives.
That’s why you are sitting alone in your room with your escalating porn addiction, your loneliness, your shame, guilt and lack of self-confidence. That’s why the male suicide, domestic violence, and sexual assault rates are at an all-time high and you will never hear of it.
No One Is Coming and men die because of that.
Where are other men you can share your truth with? Do you have men who will listen and not judge you?
Your close male friends are often the only people you can count on. Yes, even after your family, spouse and even children have deserted you, you close masculine male friends will be the only ones standing by your side in brotherhood.
This is such a powerful fact, yet many men neglect this all-important part of their life.
9) You believe that strength means being a lone wolf
What makes you a man is NOT your ability to figure life out on your own, but instead seeking the help and companionship of others on your journey. So many men stay hooked on porn because of the feel that they can figure it out on their own.
You can’t!!
Our egos will cause us to spend time, money and incredible amounts of energy trying to make it on our own because we are afraid of looking weak in the eyes of other men.
Issues that could be solved in moments by seeking the help of someone more experienced go on for years unsolved as you scour the internet, credit card in hand, searching of the magic pill that will solve your problem.
There is nothing in the world that another masculine, experienced man somewhere doesn’t already know.
This is why in ancient times, there were Masters and Disciples. There were craftsmen and apprentices. When men were men, they knew that they had to learn from one who had gone before them. These days, Google is most men?s recovery coach and mentor.
When you seek help from a mentor, you are not weak. Your mentor will not judge you or make fun of you. Instead, you gain another man who is serving out HIS purpose, which is- getting you back in touch with your true masculinity – your true power.
10) You are no longer going all out
All we have is this one life and all we do is look at what others are doing and try to keep up.
At one point, maybe you did go all in. Now you’re comfortable. You’re playing small. Maybe you’re waiting for the benefits of not masturbating to kick in…maybe you’re waiting to quit porn.
When you are going all out and playing the game of life for real, life PLAYS BACK.
Life charges up the masculinity in you. You find yourself getting respect from other men, becoming less tolerant of your addictions, you get more attraction from women and most importantly, you respect yourself.
Finally:
You may not know it, but there are recovery coaches- mentors out there who live to support other men.
Porn Addiction Counseling lead men to their authentic selves and empower them to experience freedom, love, and fulfillment in their relationships businesses and in their lives
Recovery Coaches keep you in integrity. They make you a man who loves women vulnerably, and shamelessly. They help you regain and maintain that fighting spirit that is every mans genetic right. They unleash the true masculine man within you.
You have two options.
This can be just another blog post to you. You can lie to yourself and tell yourself that this is just more motivational, rah-rah feel-good bullshit. Or you can take the difficult path. You can put your ego aside and ask for the support you need to become the Man you know you really are.
Yes, it’s scary.
It’s scary to go all out, to decide to make something of our lives. It’s not a journey you have to take alone, though. There are men out in the world who will help you achieve your greatness.
Are you ready to become the greatest man you are capable of becoming?
It isn’t too late to late gain control of your out of control sexual behavior and bad habits to become the hero, the movie star of your own life.
Personally, There is nothing you have experienced when it comes to porn addiction that I haven’t, so don’t feel any shame or hesitation about finding out if you need a mentor.
Do NOT put in an application if you are not 100% ready to change your life.
I’m J.K, your brother in this struggle and I wish you the best in your recovery from your porn addiction. If you found this helpful share it a few other men, and don’t forget to subscribe. I release two every week.
