Relapse is a common concern for men when they begin their reboot.
Most come from past programs with abstinence-only approaches that make you feel like you’ve failed if you have a slip. I see it differently, though. When you’re learning how to stop porn addiction, relapses are part of the process.
If you’re like the majority of men early in the Porn Reboot system, you likely attach a lot of emotion to relapses. You feel a lot of guilt and shame if you start watching porn again, even if only for an evening. You might find yourself trapped in a negative thought spiral that keeps you stuck for longer than you should be.
I prefer men in the Porn Reboot program to remove all emotion from the relapse experience. You don’t need to assign big feelings to it when it happens; simply recognize that you made a mistake and determine how you can best avoid it moving forward. In this way, I like to see the process of viewing slips as data. This makes it easier to get back on track instead of digging yourself into a hole.
Men who are prone to feeling big emotions after a relapse will struggle with this at first. Learning to detach emotions from slips feels like a huge challenge. But when you start to rationally view slips as data, it becomes easier to not feel guilt, shame, or anger because you’re busy processing the experience.
For example, when you experience a slip you can immediately dissect what happened. Maybe you didn’t get enough sleep because you stayed up too late watching YouTube videos on your phone. You watched the videos because you felt frustrated that work took longer to complete than usual and you wanted to feel a bit of relief from that stress.
This gives you multiple points to adjust so that you don’t have to slip in this same manner again. If you finished your work in time, you wouldn’t have felt as stressed or frustrated. If you recognized that sometimes you’re going to have bad days at work, you might not have sought relief from YouTube videos. If you still needed some time to de-stress, you could have achieved it by reading a book or meditating for a few minutes instead.
Breaking down your relapse in this way makes it almost impossible to feel bad about it. Sure, the goal of the Porn Reboot program is to eliminate your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. But expecting it to go away immediately is only a recipe for disaster. Assigning big emotions to something that’s almost guaranteed sets you up for failure, too.
Viewing slips as data is a far more efficient approach to your reboot. If you haven’t already, I recommend practicing it as you learn how to stop porn addiction. You’ll become more effective not only at avoiding slips, but you can apply this reasoning to other troublesome areas of your life. You don’t need to feel bad about relapses when they simply offer you more information on how to avoid them in the future!
Today I’m bringing you the second half of the top 22 objections I hear from men joining the Porn Reboot program. I want to help you understand that your hesitations and concerns are far from unique. They’re something I hear regularly from men fearful of ending their out-of-control behavior. I know it’s not an easy step to take but I guarantee you that it’ll be the best decision you ever make.
12. I’m worried the Porn Reboot community will judge me
Every member feels the same way when they first join the program. It’s human nature to fear being judged especially for something like a porn problem. However, we have a zero-judgment policy in our community and I take that very seriously.
13. I’m scared about what I’ll have to share with the group
It’s perfectly normal to feel scared. Almost every member tells us they felt a bit scared when they joined but it didn’t take long to settle in. The group is caring, supportive, and attentive. We allow no room for judgment no matter who you are or what you’ve done.
14. I don’t want to join a group, I prefer one-on-one coaching
There’s a great quote from the book The Power of Habits by Charles Duhigg: “Real transformation occurs amongst other people.” Countless studies show that effective change happens when you’re around a group of like-minded individuals and the same applies to your reboot.
15. I don’t feel like I’m ready
You’re never going to feel like you’re ready, brother. Acknowledging your porn addiction problem is a difficult thing to do and you’ll never feel prepared enough. But you need to take action at some point if you want results and sooner is always better.
Porn addiction is a serious problem for thousands of men around the world. I know this is true because I’ve worked with many of them in my almost 15 years of building the Porn Reboot program. It’s something that can destroy a man’s life and strip him of everything worth living for when it gets bad enough.
Pornography is a growing issue, especially for men who are exposed to it during their younger years. Excessive porn use alters natural brain chemistry and causes a wide range of negative effects. Are you wondering whether your pornography use might be a problem? Over the next few weeks, I want to cover 10 of the most common porn addiction problems I see among men seeking help in the Porn Reboot program. These include:
Pornography functions by constructing a false world. It’s one where people (mostly women) exist solely as objects for the pleasure of those watching the videos. The vapid, shallow “storylines” serve as a vehicle for the entire point of porn: sex. There is nothing romantic, loving, or intimate about pornography. It’s an imaginary illusion that holds little to no weight in the real world.
But compulsive pornography use puts you in this false reality day in and day out. Your constant consumption of these videos warps your perception of how relationships and sex work in real life. Most women aren’t actually interested in doing the things you see depicted frequently in porn.
Frequent pornography use also exposes you to unrealistic standards of physical beauty. Most women in porn pump themselves up with implants and fillers, sculpting bodies that don’t typically exist in the real world. When you see video after video and image after image of these Barbie doll bodies, though, you begin to think that every woman should look this way.
Losing interest in real-life partners is a telltale sign of pornography addiction. This was the biggest indicator that porn was a problem for me. As my porn use escalated, I completely lost all sexual interest in the woman I was with at the time. The more I sunk into my porn addiction symptoms, the less I found myself aroused by any of the women I saw in real life.
It also warped my expectations of what women should look like and the types of women that I deserved to be with. Never mind that I had no dating skills or much to offer; I believed that I needed to be with women like those I saw in the pornography I watched at home.
I see this a lot in men I work with in the Porn Reboot program. They develop unrealistic standards for the women they date while bringing little or nothing to the table. If you find yourself holding these high standards or wholly losing interest in real-life women, your porn use may be a problem.
Porn addiction is a serious problem for thousands of men around the world. I know this is true because I’ve worked with many of them in my almost 15 years of building the Porn Reboot program. It’s something that can destroy a man’s life and strip him of everything worth living for when it gets bad enough.
Pornography is a growing issue, especially for men who are exposed to it during their younger years. Excessive porn use alters natural brain chemistry and causes a wide range of negative effects. Are you wondering whether your pornography use might be a problem? Over the next few weeks, I want to cover 10 of the most common porn addiction problems I see among men seeking help in the Porn Reboot program. These include:
If you’re like the rest of us in the Porn Reboot program, I know you’ve asked yourself at least a few times why you’re watching certain types of porn. Over time you’ve likely stumbled into some odd genres that you never imagined finding arousing. You might feel ashamed or embarrassed about the things you watch, yet you come back to them night after night.
Unusual porn fetishes are a huge part of porn addiction symptoms. Any guy who watches porn for a long time knows it’s fairly normal to progress from one genre to another. Similar to drugs or alcohol, your brain develops a “tolerance” for your usual porn genre. Once your go-to videos don’t do it for you anymore, you have to move on to another type of scene.
Most of the time we start with straight porn but that becomes boring after a while. Then we move into varying genres, from lesbians to interracial to gay men to transgender people and so on. Eventually, you may progress into watching more intense, aggressive, and hardcore scenes. Some men reach the point of watching illegal material, too.
The shock and excitement of taboo sex tend to be the thing that causes you to orgasm. Unfortunately, you send a signal to your brain that says, “Hey, this feels good and I’m totally cool with getting off on this,” each time you orgasm to one of these fetishes. Oftentimes they aren’t things you would ever participate in in real life, but you continue watching them play out on the screen day after day.
The most important thing I want to stress is that the kind of porn you masturbate to isn’t an indicator of your sexual orientation. I know it’s something that lots of men worry about when they find themselves watching gay porn. Watching these genres of porn doesn’t necessarily mean you’re gay or even bisexual.
I’ve talked with many gay men who, through repeated exposure to porn, developed a sexual attraction to females. They were never interested in women before in their lives yet the porn they watched altered their arousal template. The same applies to straight men who watch gay porn.
Still, this doesn’t keep men from fearing that porn changed their sexual orientation. Again, this isn’t true. If you’re concerned about this, you may be dealing with something called a homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder, or HOCD. It’s the persistent fear that you may have a different sexual orientation than you imagined. Men who watch porn genres opposite to their sexuality often struggle with it but they do so in silence.
Ultimately, any unusual porn fetishes you consume may alter your arousal template for the time you’re watching porn. However, once you eliminate porn, sex, and masturbation from your life, those compulsive fetishes dissipate. You’ll learn what really arouses you and what was porn-induced. And it’s not something you have to handle alone because nearly every man in the Porn Reboot program understands this symptom from personal experience.
About twice a month, I have conversations with different brothers in our intensive program who ask about masturbation in moderation.
It’s a common curiosity that many share. They’re usually men in the middle to late stage of their reboot who are starting to differentiate between normal, healthy sexual urges and urges caused by their out-of-control behavior. These men usually are not in a relationship but they are casually dating.
You might have found yourself wondering the same thing at one point or another in your reboot: “Can I masturbate in moderation?”
Personally, I’m not an advocate for masturbation in moderation. When you have a history of pornography addiction, there’s a slim chance that you can masturbate without taking it too far. Some brothers are capable of it but you cannot find out in the early stages of your reboot, anyways. You won’t know whether your attempts are successful until your brain rewires.
Men who are in the later stages of their reboot have a bit more leeway here, though. While masturbation in moderation doesn’t work for me, nor does it work for plenty of other men, I still try to handle the question on a case-by-case basis.
Typically I find that there’s something deeper at play when a brother brings this question up in our conversation. He might say, “I’m dating but I’m going through a dry spell right now,” or, “I’m in a long-distance relationship and she hasn’t been in town in a long time.” On the surface, this seems fine, but dig a bit further and oftentimes the real question is, “I’m afraid of being vulnerable with or risking rejection from a woman, so can I mask that pain with masturbation?”
Oftentimes brothers use the excuse of seasons when they ask me this question. They insist it’s a season for advancing their career or building their physique, and they don’t have time to dedicate themselves to finding a woman. However, it’s usually that they aren’t willing to risk getting vulnerable or being rejected so they would rather take the easy way out.
I hate to inform you, brother, but life doesn’t work the way that it does in porn. You don’t have instant access to hundreds of beautiful women whenever you want them. That sense of instant gratification instilled by your porn addiction symptoms takes time to overcome, but masturbation in moderation isn’t a technique that will help you get there.
I recommend learning to put yourself out there. I know it isn’t easy given the state of the dating world today. The apps are exhausting and women ghost left and right. It’s tiresome to feel like you’re trying all the time yet getting rejected constantly, but you must learn to experience pain without turning to pornography or masturbation to soothe it.
When you’re feeling like you want to masturbate in moderation, I suggest finding an alternative solution. Go hang out with some friends, join a club, sign up for a class at your local community center, participate in a rec league, get to the gym, read a book, or some other form of entertainment.
Turning to masturbation as a way to self-soothe or pass the time is not an option for you anymore. You also must learn that you don’t have to submit to every sexual urge you experience. You shouldn’t give your urges that much power over you; your urges do not control you.
Once you learn to identify and handle your emotions properly, though, occasional masturbation may become an option for you. Some brothers are married or in serious relationships and their partner gets sick, is pregnant, or has some mental health struggles. Masturbation may be okay if it’s not within his morals to go out and have sex with another woman.
Again, I ultimately believe this is best considered on a case-by-case basis. Masturbation is not for men in their early reboot. It’s not for men looking to avoid emotional pain or vulnerability or the possibility of rejection. It’s not a way to pass the time or let off some steam. And if you’re not in a position to recognize why that’s the case, then masturbation in moderation probably isn’t for you yet, either.
I have another great question from a brother in the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot group for you today. He asks:
“Hey, J.K. Does it make sense to set goals that don’t satisfy one or more components of the SMART system? My experience in the past shows me it’s possible to achieve goals using only visualization. In high school, I consumed a lot of Law of Attraction material that worked well and provided me with some crazy results.
“Since I started following you, I’ve adopted your approach with the RES system. It’s nice to finally have a scientific explanation for my positive experiences with the Law of Attraction. So I’m wondering, do you believe visualization is superior to goal-setting?”
First off, this brother mentioned the SMART system for goal-setting. You’ve probably heard of some form of it before. It outlines a clear set of aspects that your goals should adhere to if you want them to be successful. A SMART goal is Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Based.
Using these parameters to set goals is one of the most effective approaches. Too many people set arbitrary or subjective goals which leave them spinning in circles for months or weeks. However, using a SMART system to set goals ensures you can track your progress and determine precisely when you’ve accomplished them.
In my experience, though, I don’t use visualization when setting goals. I’m familiar with the concept of it and understand that it works for people, but it’s not something I use myself. I don’t use the SMART system to set goals, either. It was a primary approach for the sales organization I worked for before becoming a reboot coach, but it wasn’t something I used.
Instead, I look at goals in a very objective, realistic way. I break large goals down into smaller, actionable steps. I have 90-day goals, one-year goals, three-year goals, and five-year goals. I have a rough sketch of what I want the next few decades to look like and I have an outline of what I need to do to ensure that becomes a reality.
That doesn’t mean I’m married to my plans. I understand that life happens and things out of my control will always come up. I’m able and willing to adapt my goals and actions as needed to meet the demands of my current situation or circumstances. But using the unpredictable nature of life as an excuse not to set goals is a poor way to reject your personal responsibility.
While I don’t use visualization when setting my goals, I believe that it can be successful for others. I don’t believe it’s a superior approach, though; I simply believe that it’s one of many alternatives. There is no single path to setting goals or achieving them. There are many different approaches to the process and you need to determine which works best for you.
This brother prefers visualization but you may prefer the SMART system. You might find that my simple, realistic approach is a better fit for you. No matter which approach you choose, though, you must choose one. You’re not in a position to live a half-lived life. You were freed from the bondage of your out-of-control behavior and have the opportunity to rebuild your life into something incredible.
Take time using each approach to setting goals before deciding which is right for you. You may also find that one approach works in certain situations while a different is more effective in other circumstances. Whatever you do, don’t give up on setting goals. Don’t let yourself settle for a life void of progress and development. You’ve come too far to lose yourself to mediocrity, brother.
This year marks 10 years of professionally coaching men toward freedom from pornography. I’ve seen all kinds of things throughout this last decade and I have a good idea of what happens to men who don’t seek professional help. I see the same brothers hitting me up for tips year after year but then doing nothing to change their life.
These brothers have been asking for help for ten years now. Some were 22 when I first heard from them, and now they’re 32 with a life that looks the same, or worse. Others were about to turn 40 and I warned them that this was their last shot to get their lives together, get into a relationship, and start a family. Today they’re 50 years old and still pitifully addicted to pornography.
We’re in a difficult time right now. The last few years were filled with adversity. The men who chose to control their behavior from the first time they reached out fared well throughout the chaos and uncertainty. Those who were focused, disciplined, and mentally strong continued to thrive during these times.
However, men who used porn, sex, and masturbation as coping mechanisms may have survived, but they surely didn’t thrive. Relying on compulsive sexual behavior only resulted in a miserable struggling existence.
And if you’re in that latter group, today’s message is for you.
The stress reflects physically on your body. You found yourself soft, pudgy, and weak from stress eating. You’re fueled by sugar and caffeine. Your girlfriend or wife doesn’t want to have sex with you if you can’t achieve an erection. You can’t get hard or stay hard because you chose pornography over her. You’ve become boring. You chose a life of domesticity over adventure and learning. No one wants to sleep with the man they argue with over the dishes every night.
If you’re single, you may wonder why women won’t date you. You don’t bother to groom yourself. You dress comfortably, which is a nice way of saying you’re a grown man who dresses like a schoolboy. You’re overweight and your best features are obscured by the bloat from the fast food you shovel into yourself every day.
You feel entitled to women who are 10s because you watch them in porn while you’re barely a 5 on your best day. You lack ambition. You play video games all night. You smoke weed every day. You live to be entertained. If you ever manage to get a girlfriend, she’ll have to find a sugar daddy because you’re too busy seeking pleasure to be a provider.
You’ll likely have to settle for the lowest-hanging fruit when it comes to women. You’ll hang onto her because you know you won’t find better. And then you will spend the rest of your life secretly jerking off to women you truly find attractive online.
You’re weak. You’re stunted. You’re overwhelmed. You’re unable to prioritize. You’re mentally consumed by a constant diet of unfiltered garbage information that you allow into your head. The news, nonsense YouTube videos, pointless podcasts, endless Reddit threads, Wikipedia black holes, and perma-scrolling Twitter, of it, fill your head with useless information that makes you think you’re smart.
When was the last time you created something? What was the last original thought or idea you formulated? I’m not talking about repeating talking points that someone else gave you or buying into the hive mind of whatever group you’re a part of.
Your emotional capacity is next to nothing but you’re always emotionally charged. Your erratic emotional range consists of numbness, irritation, anger, depression, loneliness, excitement, and fear. Instead of experiencing the emotional capacity of a Boeing 747 that flies intercontinental, you’re a paper plane that can barely reach the back of the classroom and is destined for the trash.
You’re spiritually bankrupt, too, even if you believe yourself to be a Christian. Your religious affinity only pays lip service to the type of man you wish you were. But what would your congregation think if they saw your browser history, your secret apps, and your external hard drives? I bet they tell a different story.
Your behavior is a growing cancer of the soul. You’ve spent empty years lying, desperately trying to hold up your shining image while living a double life. This is no way to live, brother. You’re falling apart, relying on your limited social circle for validation while destroying yourself every day.
If you’re at all interested in rebuilding your life and thriving in the years to come, it’s time to seriously reconsider your life. You could have saved yourself this last decade of destruction had you only followed through on the help you initially sought.
Honestly ask yourself what holds you back from taking action to overcome your porn addiction problems. Maybe it’s shame. Maybe it’s pride. Maybe you just don’t care and you’re stuck in a cycle of apathy. You know you have a problem but you’re fooling yourself by thinking you can handle it alone if you’re stuck in the same place 10 years later.
I know I sound harsh today but I feel disheartened. It’s painful to look at an email thread I can follow back to 2012 with a man who has clearly done nothing to change his circumstances. It feels wrong and I can’t sit back without saying something, especially as a man who has been where you are.
I think men who struggle with porn addiction live on a slightly altered timeline. We don’t seem to realize how time flies. The years slip by but we’re so busy consumed by our porn addiction symptoms that we miss the signs. Instead of seeing ourselves as the problem, though, we blame other things for our wide range of shortcomings.
The description above is probably painful to read. It may not describe every aspect of your life but I’m sure there are at least a few attributes that describe you. And it might seem like there’s nothing you can do to change, but professional help will make a difference. I’ve watched hundreds of men change their lives throughout the last decade of the Porn Reboot program a form of porn addiction counseling only with a better and effective method proven for years.
Have you reached a point that you can’t handle anymore? Are you ready to take responsibility for your life? I would love to see you join us in the Porn Reboot group and get started. Even if you don’t participate in the intensive, getting involved in our free Facebook group is a great place to start. You can learn what the Porn Reboot program is about and start implementing the system in your life today.
Quit watching time pass you by, brother. Take control of your life. Today can be the day that shifts the trajectory and pulls you from the pit of hopelessness you’ve landed yourself in.
I want to cover 22 of the main objections I hear from men when they want to start the Porn Reboot program. I can almost guarantee that you’ve thought at least a few of these things along the way to ending your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. There are solutions to every objection, though, and I want to review the first half of them today.
1. I can do this with willpower alone
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, brother, but statistics suggest that about 4% of men succeed and 96% of men fail by trying to use willpower alone. Sure, there is a slight chance you might be part of that 4% but there’s a much higher chance of you being part of the majority.
2. I can do this on my own
I see tons of men who believe they can learn to manage their out-of-control behavior on their own. They’re confident that their motivation will propel them to success. You’re far from alone if you’re thinking this, but how many times have you tried the isolated motivation approach before?
3. I’ll try SLAA or another 12-step program instead
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a spiritual-based 12-step approach to overcoming porn and sex addiction. However, like the willpower approach, studies show that SLAA fails 92 to 94% of people who try it.
4. I don’t really have that big of a porn problem
I hear this from so many men who show up to Porn Reboot and I have a hard time not chuckling. If you didn’t have a serious problem with porn, brother, then how did you reach this site in the first place? Why are you still reading this blog post?
5. I shouldn’t have to pay to quit watching porn
Sure, that’s an understandable way of thinking. I didn’t want to have to pay to end my out-of-control behavior, either. But if your alternatives leave you with a 4 to 8% success rate, wouldn’t you rather use a more effective approach? Investing in yourself could be the thing that finally helps you end this behavior.
6. I shouldn’t have to pay what your programs cost
No one is telling you that you have to pay for the Porn Reboot program. You’re more than welcome to use a cheaper alternative, but you’ll receive the results that the cheaper alternative offers. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a program that provides the same results at a lower price point.
7. I can spend my money on better things
I won’t argue with you about that. There are plenty of more entertaining ways to spend your money. However, you got yourself to a point where you can no longer control your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Could there really be anything better to spend your money on than learning to control the behaviors actively destroying your life?
8. My wife, friends, or church group can hold me accountable
Tony Robbins, the famous motivational coach, says that friends and spouses are the worst people to look to for accountability. Most of the time your friends and spouse allow you room to cut corners. Your porn problem is not something you can cut corners with, though, or it will only get worse.
9. I fear people will find out that I’m doing this
That’s a reasonable fear, but everything in the Porn Reboot group is private and confidential. Our entire program is hidden from the general public; no one will know that you’re in the Porn Reboot program unless you tell them.
10. I’ll be embarrassed if people know I’m in a porn addiction program
I get it, brother. I felt embarrassed when I first shared that I had a porn addiction problem with others, too. One of the most important things we do in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot system is to teach members to be confident while powerfully owning and celebrating a porn-free lifestyle.
11. I worry I won’t really like the Porn Reboot community
If you’re like most men who struggle with compulsive behaviors with porn, sex, and masturbation, chances are you’ll enjoy the group. We share a lot of similar traits and tendencies. I’m selective about who I work with which means our community is fun, welcoming, educated, smart, and successful. It’s a fantastic group of men.
Looking at my life and pulling positive data from it slowly became an ingrained habit.
Reframing anxiety.
I have plenty of experience struggling with anxiety and procrastination. Both of these things used to consume me and dictated every decision I made a day in and day out. I never made much progress because I worried about outcomes which left me putting off tasks I needed to complete to move forward in life.
Thankfully, over the years I’ve learned to control my anxiety and procrastination. They are no longer the same driving forces they used to be. Still, I sometimes find myself stuck in old ways of thinking to this day. For example, last week I procrastinated on some very important tasks and obligations but couldn’t bring myself to care.
I used to spend weeks in this state of mind but nowadays it’s rare that I stay there for more than a few hours. I was on day three of this feeling, though, and it started to get to me. As I sat in the gym on the morning of that third day, I started breaking down exactly what was going on. Why was I procrastinating so much?
I had so many things to do. There were clients to speak with, paperwork to sign and send off to my team, sessions to attend, individuals to keep accountable, and certifications to complete, but none of this was out of the ordinary. All of these tasks are ongoing things I deal with as a regular part of my work and life. Why did I feel so overwhelmed?
While sitting in the gym between sets I finally realized what was different: at some point, I attached a negative outcome to these things which contributed to my growing anxiety. I spend the majority of my time assigning positive effects to situations but occasionally I still slip, and that’s where I found myself on day three of my procrastination stint.
I know I’m not alone in this experience. I’ve spoken with hundreds of brothers over the years that find themselves wracked by an unshakable bout of procrastination, and we can often trace it back to the outcomes we assign to circumstances. Do you deal with this porn addiction effects sometimes, too? Do you find yourself anticipating negative outcomes and feeling your anxiety increase as a result?
All anxiety does is waste energy on a future outcome, one that isn’t guaranteed. You have no idea what the true outcome will be but that doesn’t stop you from expending precious energy worrying about what may happen. That buildup of negative energy typically manifests itself as procrastination as you work yourself into a ball of stress over outcomes that have yet to arrive.
The outcome I attached to my situation was the primary difference between those three days and the thousands of other days where I had all the same responsibilities. Nothing about my external circumstances had changed, only the way I looked at those circumstances.
As I sat there I also thought back to the week before. A few days prior I sat in the same gym but with a much different mindset. I received a message from my CPA asking my CFO and me to review my tax returns for approval, and attached to those tax returns was a high six-figure number I wasn’t at all anticipating. It was so much higher than I expected, and not only was I not prepared for that figure but I was not expecting my response, either.
You would probably assume that I felt anxious, nervous, or angry, but I only sat there and felt delighted. Delight. Can you believe that? I found out I owe Uncle Sam far more than I thought I did and yet I was overcome with excitement. Why? Because owing that much means I’m making financial progress in my business endeavors.
I wasn’t worried about how to pay for it – I knew I would be able to. I didn’t shift straight into business mode and start handling it, either. I simply sat with the feeling of joy and gratitude at my circumstances, then I sent a screenshot of the message from my CPA to my mom. What person in their right mind receives that news and feels thrilled?
Honestly – that’s what a person in their right mind should do. And it proved that my mindset was to blame for my three-day procrastination stint. Nothing changed from last week to this week aside from how I chose to look at the situation. When I received the news about the taxes I owed, I viewed it in a positive light because it meant I achieved more this year than last year. But now under the same set of circumstances, I found myself not giving a damn and putting off some of the simplest tasks on my list.
It’s easy to discredit how powerful our minds are. Anxiety and procrastination are closely connected. If you’re struggling with one, chances are you’re probably dealing with the other to some extent, too. But anxiety isn’t necessarily a bad thing. While talking with one of the brothers in the Porn Reboot program, he shared something with me that he heard from another mentor of his: “Anxiety is the emotion of growth.”
I love that reframe because it couldn’t be more accurate. Anxiety is simply an emotion encouraging us to take action, but too often we pathologize it and turn it into something more than it is. We often hear that anxiety is out of our control, that it’s a part of us rather than something we experience. But that is false. Anxiety reveals an opportunity for growth, and I guarantee you that taking action instead of procrastinating will provide a positive outcome, not a negative one.
We don’t grow when we give in to anxiety. Instead, we feed those negative outcomes that we anticipate. However, when we choose to use anxiety as fuel for action, we shift the negative assumptions into positive results and place another brick in the foundation of our new life.
Today I want to write directly to my peak performers, the highly ambitious men who look for every way possible to accomplish their goals. I received a question from a brother in the group who has an important thing I know a lot of you struggle with. He said,
“J.K, a few months ago you mentioned conditioning your brain to achieve the maximum amount of REM sleep on around four hours of sleep per night. I want to achieve a similar sleep cycle at some point in my life, too. You brought it up in an old podcast episode. How did you achieve this? Does age play a role in your ability to do it? Do you have any resources you recommend?”
Fantastic question. Many of us high performers want to know what we can do to maximize our results on a minimal amount of sleep. Before getting to the answer, though, I want to ask you what your purpose is for cutting down those hours. Why do you want to get so little sleep? Is your schedule so tight that you truly need to sacrifice your rest? Or are you using it to compensate for another area where you’re slacking off?
Why do you want to cut back on sleep?
Sleep is one of the most important aspects of your overall health. An endless sea of research proves this to us, brother. It impacts your physical, mental, social, and emotional well-being. Not getting enough sleep leads to poor work performance, limited focus, decreased emotional resilience, and more. It should never be the first thing on the chopping block, especially for men early in their reboot who are still susceptible to emotional dysregulation.
I suggest you start by looking for areas where you can trim the fat during your waking hours instead. I guarantee you can find at least a few ways you’re wasting time throughout the day. Even though I suggest cutting most extraneous media from your life, I see many brothers still use social media or watch TV when they complete their tasks for the day. Do you scroll a little too far through Instagram or Twitter, or watch an extra episode of television here and there?
Maybe you’re not as efficient as you could be with your work or at the gym. Be honest with yourself. Neglecting sleep because you can’t control yourself during the day is not a good enough reason to try sleeping four hours per night. Step up and be responsible enough to limit your distractions and that should leave you with more time for sleep at night.
If you’re still determined to sleep four hours a night, I also want you to consider what you’re doing with that extra time. Are you squandering it by spreading yourself thin between too many different activities? When I trained myself to get good rest on four hours of sleep, I did it because I was laser-focused on a single task. I had a project I was passionate about at the time. It consumed so much of my focus and I wanted to spend all my waking hours working on it. I used my extra time to dive deeper into this one particular project.
Too often I see men who want to limit their sleep so they can divide their passion between their work, a writing project, a side hustle, a hobby, and time with their family. But by trying to funnel their energy into so many different areas, they ended up wasting that extra time they got when cutting back on rest instead of making good use of it. It wasn’t worth all of the negative effects that so little sleep had on them.
Types of men who can successfully cut back on sleep
I’m not trying to say that it’s impossible, brother. As our brother mentioned when he asked his question, I’ve done it successfully myself multiple times over the years. But it isn’t a beneficial practice for everyone and it’s not the best long-term solution, either. There are certain types of people who can function optimally on only a few hours of sleep. These include:
People with a specific genetic disposition
People in certain professions (e.g., military or first responders)
People who want to focus on one particular area
People with some mental illnesses
Specific genetic dispositions
Through my research, I’ve found that some people have a genetic predisposition to functioning well on little sleep. I like to refer to it as the “short sleep” gene. It’s called the D.C. 2 mutation and it allows people who have it to feel very well rested to four hours of sleep. They feel as fine as others do with the 8 or 9 hours we’re all supposed to get. It has no negative effects on their heart, organs, or mental performance, either.
There’s also another naturally-occurring genetic predisposition called the A.D.R.B. 1 gene that has similar effects. A few examples of some people who may have the short sleep gene include Donald Trump and Martha Stuart. Both have a lifelong history of short sleep from an early age yet still have tremendous success in their lives.
Certain professions
People in certain professions, such as military soldiers, first responders, or surgeons, also learn to function optimally on limited or interrupted sleep. They train themselves to sleep less over the years because it’s necessary for success in their career. Their lives are on the line without finely tuning the need for fewer hours of sleep.
This is especially true of units like the Navy Seals or the Army Green Berets who are on missions that affect their lives and the lives of others. They train professionally through the U.S. military, a highly effective organization with hundreds of years of experience implementing this practice. Look up Jocko Willick and David Goggins, two great examples of men who learned to function optimally on little sleep.
Precise, determined focus
The third type of people who can function well on less sleep is those who want to get more done. They aren’t mindlessly filling their time with more things, though; they stay up because of a precise, determined focus on one thing. There is one thing they want to accomplish that is worth losing sleep over. They have one big goal they’re focused on that enables them to maintain an obsessive level of self-belief, self-discipline, and intense drive despite losing sleep.
I’m not talking about the guys who use their limited number of sleep hours as a marketing tool. I know you have at least one or two people who come to mind that constantly try to prove what hard workers they are by bragging about their lack of sleep. These men are not included in this section; it’s not a badge of honor to sacrifice sleep. It’s only useful when you’re truly disciplined and focused in your areas of expertise, like Tony Robbins or Cameron Haynes, a practiced bow hunter and ultra-marathon runner.
Mental illness
People with some types of mental illness are another example of getting by on limited hours of sleep. I don’t want to dive too deeply into this area because it’s not directly related to our brother’s question, but it’s worth mentioning. So get porn addiction recovery program
People with bipolar disorder tend to have difficulties with sleeping brought about by their mental illness. During their manic or hypomanic episodes, they are often unusually productive while sleeping only three or four hours at a time. However, they struggle when their mood shifts to depressive episodes, and oftentimes they backtrack on the progress they made in their manic state.
Is sacrificing sleep worth it for you?
Still, getting limited sleep for long periods is detrimental to your health for most normal individuals. Research shows that poor sleep leads to lasting health effects that impact you long after you return to a normal sleep schedule. People who train themselves specifically for the practice may still experience some delayed health effects; only time will tell there.
The brother who asked the question mentioned he wants to do more things, including gardening, working out, spending time with his family, working on some writing projects, and a few other personal projects. He would fall into the third category, same as me, save for one crucial detail: he doesn’t have an unwavering focus on a single area. He’s trying to do too many things at once. Unless he chooses to eliminate all but one of those things, his lack of sleep will likely only be a detriment to his performance.
Men often operate on the illusion of balance. They believe that they’ll always be able to have a balanced life. I think that’s what drives my high performers to want to get by on limited sleep. But here’s the thing, brother: balance is an illusion. You’ll never achieve a perfectly-balanced life.
Instead, there are different seasons for different things. There is a season for building your life back up, such as improving your social skills and developing your physique. There is a season for dating or for strengthening your existing relationship. There is a season for building wealth, a season for advancing your career, and a season for launching your side hustle.
None of this happens without a system, though. You need a proven path to achieve your goals, or to even establish them in the first place. You’ve spent months, years, or decades aimlessly spinning around trying to latch onto whatever shiny object passes your way. And if you’re still doing that, you’re going to struggle when trying to cut back on your sleep.
If you’re a regular guy with a regular life, even if you’re one of my highest performers, I want you to think for a while and be rigorously honest with yourself before deciding to limit your rest. What are you doing it for and are there other ways to find more time in your day? If you can’t provide good answers for either question, it might not be time for you to sacrifice sleep just yet. Continue with your reboot process and reconsider the option later down the line instead.
