If you interpret certain experiences as beneficial, then your brain will generate positive emotions when those experiences come up again. Conversely, if you interpret an experience as negative, your brain generates negative emotions when you have a similar experience.
Let’s say you’re an independent consultant, made the mistake of taking on too many clients, and failed at delivering certain tasks. Some of your clients decided to terminate their agreements with you because you failed to deliver.
Later on, you again find yourself in a similar situation where you have too many clients and not enough time to complete the work. Your brain will still conclude that you’re going to end up with more terminated agreements, even if you haven’t lost the client or even failed to deliver yet.
These negative emotions aren’t necessarily bad because they let you assess your current situation. But the benefits of those emotions depend on how you choose to interpret them. If you give in to the negativity then you’ll inevitably lose your clients. If you instead let it push you to find alternative solutions, you may find yourself with a bigger business and increased income.
The same thing applies to your out-of-control sexual behavior. There are two main things you experience: the strong urge to watch porn or act out on your behavior, and the feeling of powerlessness over those urges. How you interpret these two feelings has everything to do with your success in your reboot.
When you experience strong urges to act out, you can either interpret it as a normal male desire or you can recognize that you’re different from other men. The first interpretation serves as an excuse to continue acting out on your compulsions. The second interpretation helps you realize that you can’t carry yourself the same way as most other men.
Realizing that you need to take a different approach to these urges keeps you from internalizing that urge. You understand that it has no bearing on your worth as a person. It doesn’t mean that you’re a terrible partner. It simply means that you have a predisposition to compulsive sexual behavior and you need to use tools to deal with those urges.
When it comes to feelings of powerlessness, you also have two choices. You can view yourself as hopelessly addicted to pornography with no choice in the matter, or you can view yourself as a man who has aporn addiction problems but who can make a decision for himself whether he’ll act on his impulses or not.
You don’t have to fall into self-pity or believe that you’re the victim of some unfair hand that life dealt you. You’re not powerless over your pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. It takes work to reach a place where you can interpret your strong sexual urges in a positive way rather than a negative one, but it’s very possible to get there.
The less you allow your sexual urges to control you, the more successful you will be with your reboot. It’ll be a difficult but rewarding experience because you know the freedom that awaits you on the other side of rebooting. You’re more than capable of controlling your urges, brother, and we’re here to help you along the way.
Erectile dysfunction is a problem that lots of men deal with when they first arrive at the Porn Reboot program. Years of compulsive pornography use and masturbation can impact your ability to achieve a natural erection. Eventually, the problem often reaches a point where you have to watch porn if you want to get hard.
Left untreated, porn-induced erectile dysfunction can progress into ED that lasts even after you’ve controlled your sexual behavior. It can be very disheartening to learn that you still have erectile dysfunction after you’ve invested money, time, and energy to end your behavior. That’s why it is crucial for you to address your PIED as soon as possible.
I want to preface this by saying you may not find some of this information in academic journals or publications. That doesn’t make what I have to share on the matter any less significant, though. I’ve developed this understanding over my 10 years of working with men and helping them control their porn addiction problems and out-of-control sexual behavior.
So, what exactly is the root cause of erectile dysfunction?
Cialis and Viagra Are A Crutch
I want to address this before I get too far into the topic. Some guys think their ED is under control because they can always turn to Cialis or Viagra to get them going. Sure, it might work as a temporary solution but do you really want to rely on pills for the rest of your life? What happens if you reach a point where the pills don’t work, either?
Ultimately, Cialis and Viagra are only a crutch. They’re a temporary solution. They may work for now but they’re only making it harder for you to gain control over the problem and work through your erectile dysfunction. Three are too many guys who really believe in them but the truth is these pills only hold them back.
Cialis, Viagra, and other erectile dysfunction medications do nothing to solve the problem. They only put a bandaid over the issue and delay your seeking a true, lasting solution to your ED. If you put these pills to the side and focus on your reboot, you will more than likely regain your ability to achieve natural erections.
Mental Causes of ED
Achieving an erection is oftentimes a huge mental game. Your mindset often determines whether you’ll be able to get hard or not. There are plenty of mental things that can keep you stuck in a cycle of erectile dysfunction.
Fight or Flight Response
Human beings evolved to have a fight or flight response in situations where we feel anxious or threatened. Remember that survival ranks higher than sex in the hierarchy of human needs. This means if your nervous system is in a state of fight-or-flight, you’re not going to get or maintain an erection.
Let’s say you haven’t had sex in a while and you’re on a date. Everything is going well and it’s clear that the two of you are going to have sex later on. If you start freaking out because it’s been so long since you’ve been intimate with someone, you’re likely to send yourself into a state of fight or flight mode and keep yourself from getting hard.
Lack of Sexual Arousal
If you’ve never had sex before or it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, the only recent experiences you have are through porn. I want to remind you, brother, that sex in real life is much different than what you see on the screen. Things may not look, sound, or smell the way you’ve imagined they would and could keep you from feeling aroused.
One solution to this problem is to notice attractive things about the woman you’re with from the beginning. If you have trouble feeling aroused when you start to get intimate, think about whatever it is you find attractive about her and focus on it. Bring that thing front and center in your mind so you can maintain your arousal throughout the experience.
Not Being Present
It’s almost impossible to achieve an erection when you can’t be present in the moment. If you’re nervous and thinking about different things it’s going to make it much more difficult to get hard. Maybe you’re thinking about the next move you’re going to try, maybe you’re worried about the size of your penis, or maybe you’re concerned about your ED.
Obsessing over these things pulls you out of the moment and will make it impossible to get an erection. You must work on staying present in the moment if you want to overcome your erectile dysfunction.
Physical Causes of ED
Achieving an erection isn’t only a mental game, it’s a physical one, too. There are various physical aspects that affect your ability to get hard. You have to address these physical causes, too, before you can overcome your PIED.
Low Testosterone Levels
Low testosterone levels are at the center of a lot of problems for men. Decreased energy, lack of focus, and reduction in sex drive are only part of the equation. Low testosterone levels are also oftentimes responsible for erectile dysfunction.
If you’re struggling with ED or PIED, you need to go to your doctor and get your testosterone levels checked. I recommend it for every man who comes to the porn addiction recovery – Reboot program. Getting your testosterone levels right will make a massive difference not only for your ED but for your overall quality of life.
Weak Pelvic Floor
Having a weak pelvic floor will make it difficult for you to get an erection. You spent more time viewing pornography, edging, and masturbating than you did having actual sex. This resulted in weakened pelvic floor muscles after years of you misusing them.
You can strengthen your pelvic floor muscles with an exercise called Kegels. You may have heard of them as an exercise for females but Kegels work for men, too, and they’ll result in a more enjoyable sexual experience for you.
Low Nitric Oxide
Nitric oxide is responsible for relaxing your blood vessels, resulting in relaxed penile muscle tissue. If your blood vessels are too constricted, there won’t be enough blood flow for you to achieve an erection.
While you can use ED pills like Viagra or Cialis to solve low nitric oxide levels, there are better ways of fixing the problem. Proper diet and supplementation are two vital ways to restore your nitric oxide levels instead of relying on temporary fixes from pills.
Poor Lifestyle Choices
You have two main arteries in your penile region and not caring for your physical health can cause a plaque buildup in them. Making poor choices such as living a sedentary lifestyle, drinking too much alcohol, or smoking can create difficulties when it comes to achieving an erection.
Changing your choices can have a massive impact on your erectile dysfunction. There are different things you can do to improve your physical health that will carry over into your sexual health. This is crucial if you’re struggling with erectile dysfunction.
Addressing the Causes of Erectile Dysfunction
Now that you understand the causes of erectile dysfunction and porn-induced erectile dysfunction, you need to know how to address them. I’m going to turn this blog post into a series so I can get more in-depth with these solutions. ED and PIED are serious problems for many men in the program and I want to dedicate the proper time and attention to the solution.
In the meantime, why don’t you join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group? If you’re having a hard time with erectile dysfunction, you’ll find many men who are in the same boat as you. Let us know who you are and get into the middle of the group and you’ll find many guys ready and waiting to support you along the way.
“Oh my God, J.K., it’s so hard to quit. The urges are overwhelming and won’t go away. The withdrawals are unbearable and it’s been like this for days.”
Here’s what I have to say to that, brother.
So what?
Yeah, it’s hard. I’m not going to make light of it. It’s not easy to quit porn. You’ve spent your entire life giving in to the urges every time they come up because you can’t handle sitting with the pain and discomfort it takes to overcome them.
It’s not just that way for you, brother. It’s difficult for everyone who struggles with porn addiction problems. The truth is, no one can make it any less hard. You can complain all you’d like but you’re only going to make it more difficult for yourself.
You can’t go through life without pain. It’s impossible. Difficult experiences are an inevitable part of the human condition. You can’t avoid them no matter what you do.
When you’re in the beginning stages of your reboot, the truth of this is impossible to hide from. You’re finally starting to realize that you’ve spent your entire life medicating with porn and masturbation. You don’t know how to handle challenges when they arise. You can’t sit with these feelings because you’ve never had the strength to do so before.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn.
That’s what the Porn Reboot system is here to do. It’s here to equip you with the tools you need to work through the discomfort. You become part of a group that understands exactly what you’re going through. We’re here to prop you up when you need it and support you during the tough times. But none of the support we offer can match the inner strength you’ll build using the system.
If you only focus on the difficulty you’re making things much harder than they need to be. Instead, focus on developing the skills that will help you overcome your porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. You’re going to build up the different areas of your life you’ve spent months and years neglecting.
Sure, it’s not an easy process. You may even slip up from time to time in the beginning. But instead of slipping and giving up, you’re surrounded by people who will encourage you to get right back on the path. You’ll feel encouraged by the brotherhood instead of beaten down by your behavior for the first time in your life.
When you throw yourself fully into rebooting, you stop thinking so much about how hard it is to quit porn. You have a new goal to focus on now. You’ll continue applying the right strategies, making changes to your environment, and learning how to manage your emotions. You begin to notice areas that are lacking and work on them without any external influence. And this will happen before you even realize it.
Again, I know it isn’t easy, brother. I never promised you it would be easy. Rebooting is a long, difficult process. The thing I can promise you, though, is that it’s worth it. Every difficult day, each challenge that comes up, all the things you get through, they’re going to be worth it in the end. When you look back and realize you overcame your porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior, the arduous journey will be worth every step it took.
However, it came up during a discussion in the Porn Reboot group and I think it’s important to cover it here, too.
One of our brothers said:
“I need some advice. I offended my wife by saying that it’s possible for other women to turn me on. She now thinks that I’m turned on by every woman I see. She says that she would never feel turned on by another man so the fact that I could be by another woman means I’m not committed to the relationship. How would you respond? Am I in the wrong and not committed to the relationship?”
Two things got our brother in trouble here, aside from having that discussion in the first place. First is his out-of-control behavior. Second is the language he used to describe how he feels about the other women.
Saying “turned on” means sexually aroused. And while most men feel sexually aroused by many different women outside of their relationship, overtly explaining that isn’t the best course to take. This is especially true when you struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior. You can find yourself turned on by other women you know nothing about because of the porn you watch.
Your partner probably doesn’t find herself sexually aroused by random men, though. The fact that you’re sexually aroused by random women is threatening to her. Whether it’s true or not, she likely feels like she isn’t good enough for you when she hears this.
A better way to approach the conversation (if it needs to be approached at all) is to use more intentional language. Using the phrase “attracted to” is a much more tame and acceptable way to discuss other people outside your relationship if it comes up. Everyone finds people outside their relationship attractive. After all, haven’t you ever heard of the term “hall pass”?
And even if you do find yourself turned on by other women, while it is a natural thing, it’s something you must learn to control. You can’t walk around a slave to your broken biological functioning. You destroyed your normal sexual functioning and rewired your brain to feel sexually aroused by a whole range of different women. Developing sexual control is crucial not only if you want to have a successful relationship but in every other area of your life.
You must learn to interact with women without sexualizing them. This is difficult to do after months or years of compulsive porn addiction problems use but you have to develop the skill. Porn addiction effects teaches you to view women as sexual objects but that’s not how the real world works, brother. You can’t walk around turned on by every single woman you see.
Finding yourself immediately sexually aroused whenever you see an attractive woman is not what normal, civilized adult men do. Well-adapted men can maintain their composure around women. They don’t break down into mindless, sex-addled animals. You need to develop sexual control if you want to have a successful reboot.
Again, most women in monogamous relationships are aroused by their partner alone. Sure, they may find other men attractive. But they don’t often find themselves interested in being sexually intimate with anyone other than you, their partner.
While you might find yourself aroused by women outside your relationship, there’s no need to express this to your wife. You may be turned on by any even slightly attractive woman but it’s not an effective way to navigate life.
Instead, you should also take time to develop sexual control and keep yourself from losing your composure around every woman you see. Being successful in our porn addiction recovery program which is the Porn Reboot is about so much more than simply quitting porn. And learning sexual control is a critical component of the process.
Some things I often see in the Porn Reboot group are:
“I slipped on Twitter.”
“I slipped on Reddit.”
“I slipped on YouTube.”
“For some reason, I can’t stay off social media and I keep slipping.”
If you can’t stay off social media and you continue slipping because of it, brother, I have a hard pill for you to swallow. You’re either a trial rebooter, you lack self-discipline, or you’re lazy. There’s no other way around it. If you won’t remove the thing that’s keeping you trapped in the cycle of porn addiction problems then you have a problem on your hands.
A man who is fully committed to his reboot will recognize when things are more of a hindrance than a help. They will let go of whatever gets in between them and their reboot success. They’re willing to make complete lifestyle changes to avoid ever falling into the cycle of compulsive porn, sex, and masturbation again.
Social media makes it easy to numb out and not think about what’s going on in your life. When you cut out porn you might find that you replace it with endlessly scrolling on Instagram or Facebook or some other social media platform. Whether you realize it or not, you’re doing the same thing with social media that you did with porn, sex, and masturbation: you’re running from pain.
Our porn addiction recovery program which is the Porn Reboot system is simple but it is not easy. It requires your complete willingness to give up your old thoughts, beliefs, and ideas so you can replace them with newer, healthier, more helpful thinking patterns and habits. Scrolling through social media is another way of disconnecting from the world, especially if it’s leading you to slip.
No one needs social media. It hardly existed 20 years ago. But now it’s become an expected part of engaging with others and it can feel impossible to let go of. However, if it’s getting in the way of your reboot then it will be more than worth the effort to remove it for as long as necessary.
Some brothers are part of the Porn Reboot Facebook group, though, and need the support that the group provides. I know that’s the case for me. If it weren’t for our group I’d never be on Facebook. But it’s a necessary evil so I can stay in contact with all the brothers looking for help.
If you find that social media is problematic for you it might be time to cut it out. If you’re part of our Facebook group, there are a few steps you can take to eliminate all distractions aside from the group itself.
Install a browser plugin or extension that eliminates your Facebook feed. I have one that replaces my entire feed with a single positive quote. Every time I log in all I see is a new quote for the day.
Schedule your Facebook use and limit it to once per day, or twice if you asked for some support and need to check back on your post.
Remove everything from your Facebook profile that does not bring value to your life.
Practice deleting social media from your phone every so often. Disconnecting from the need to feel constantly connected is a great way to reframe your relationship with social media.
Ultimately, social media is a tool. It’s a tool that has grown into an incredible behemoth over the last two decades, but it’s a tool nonetheless. If you choose to use it as such you can receive great benefits from it. But if you allow that tool to control you and determine when you use it, it’s far from helpful.
If social media is too difficult or distracting, it’s best to take some time away from it. There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back and trying again once your behavior is under control. You may even find that what you gain from social media isn’t worth the trade-off of the freedom you feel when you remove it. Ultimately, the best solution for you is the one that supports your successful reboot.
I’ve got another great question from a brother in our implementation program to share with you today. He says:
“Hi, J.K. I recently started casually dating again. There’s a girl I’ve been seeing once a month for about four months now. We’ve been physically intimate up to third base. On our last date, I made a move to go further, but she was visibly exhausted, said she wasn’t in the mood, and wanted to go home.
“I felt mentally flustered because I had fantasized about what would happen but it played out differently in reality. I noticed that I’ve been emotionally overinvested and needy of her time and companionship. I know it’s normal to care about someone you’re intimate with, but sometimes it becomes overbearing.
“She’s also the only girl I’ve been intimate with so far but I’m working on meeting new women. I’m sure that has something to do with my attachment to her, too. How can I detach myself emotionally from these experiences?”
There are three traits that I know will help this brother with his struggles. If this is something you’re dealing with, too, adopting these three skills will make your dating experience smoother.
Outcome Independence
There is something called “outcome independence” that I believe is a very necessary skill. It’s important not only in your dating life but in every area of your life. It simply means that you aren’t overly invested in how any given situation turns out. Outcome independence is based on a stoic mindset but applies to everyone whether they adhere to stoicism or not.
On the other hand, outcome dependence means your entire emotional state depends on a very specific outcome that you expect to play out. This mindset is detrimental to your reboot because allowing your emotions to hinge on situations outside your control puts you at a greater risk of relapse.
In terms of dating, outcome independence looks like not caring whether you and the girl you’re dating have sex when she comes over. If she wants to, great. If she changes her mind and isn’t in the mood, it doesn’t make a difference to you.
This applies in marriages, too. Intimacy tends to slow down after spending a few years with your wife. Many men get upset when the sex becomes more infrequent and become frustrated or angry over it. When you’re outcome-independent, though, you choose to continue living your life despite your sex life with your wife. She’s much more likely to be interested in an independent man who continues living without groveling for her affection.
Abundance Mindset
This brother also mentioned that the girl is the only one he’s seeing at the moment. Brothers who are casually dating but only seeing one woman at a time tend to fall into the scarcity mindset trap. They view the girl they’re dating as their one and only option which increases their dependence on her. Your mindset heavily influences your attachment to her.
You need to also develop an abundance mindset in addition to outcome independence. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to have sex with a ton of women. However, you should probably talk with multiple women at a time who are open to being intimate with you. It is easier to see that this particular girl isn’t the only option you have.
Talking with multiple women also gives you a chance to reach out to someone else if the girl in question isn’t in the mood to be intimate. You know you have another girl or two who may be interested instead. Having an abundance mindset relieves those feelings of dependence and neediness that are common for men dating only one woman.
Define Casual Dating
The third thing you need to do is determine what casual dating means to you. Casual dating doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. It seems like it’s a set state but different people have different ideas of what casual dating consists of.
Are you primarily interested in casual dating or just in casual sex? How often do you want to see her? What should your time together consist of? Get clear on what casual dating means to you and be upfront about what you want from it. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself feeling resentful and frustrated when your expectations aren’t met.
Don’t Neglect Other Areas of Your Life
When you start dating, don’t cut back on other parts of your life. You need to maintain your existing hobbies and activities while finding spare time to spend with any women you choose to date. If you neglect these other areas and pour yourself completely into dating, you won’t have anything else to fall back on if a date doesn’t work out.
You need to maintain what works for you, such as a gym routine, time with your buddies, and your independent hobbies while you’re dating. No woman should take over your life completely; you still need things that interest you apart from her.
Reach Out For Support
Leaning on your brothers in the porn addiction recovery reboot program for support is crucial when you first start dating. There are hundreds of men who understand what you’re going through and likely have suggestions to handle situations as they arise.
The more men you have around to support you, the easier it will be to avoid those feelings of neediness. Every man in the Free Porn Reboot group has their own porn addiction problems and knows what it’s like to lean too heavily on a woman at the beginning. Through sharing your experience and hearing the experiences of others, you’ll learn that there’s no reason to feel too needy.
I have another question from a brother in one of our groups today that I want to share with you. He said:
“Brothers, I feel like I will end up slipping, if I’m not already slipping, because of a relationship I’m seeking. I got divorced almost three years ago. My ex-wife and I didn’t have any children. I went back to being single the way I was before getting married for a couple of months.
“Now I’ve developed an interest in one of my coworkers. She is much younger than I am, at least 15 years younger. She has already mentioned she’s in a relationship, but I’m still trying to reach out to her in different ways, given that this is work-related. I don’t want to end up in a situation that I’m going to regret. If you have any advice or suggestions I would appreciate it.”
I was the director of a large sales company for many years. I started at the company as a door-to-door salesman, moved up to a management position, and finally was promoted to the director role after a few years. During my time at the company, I maintained a very specific principle: never dip your pen in company ink. Meaning, don’t get involved with women at work.
I’ve always dissuaded employees, interns, and contractors from dating within the organization. Pursuing relationships in the workplace is almost never a good idea. It always comes with so much risk. There’s the loss of productivity, the risk of drama, and the possibility of being accused of harassment.
There are very few exceptions to this rule. In this day and age, separating romance from work is the best thing you can do. Now I want to break down different aspects of our brother’s question. It’s an important one because it’s something many of us consider. Despite the dangers that come with it, most of us spend a large part of our time at work. The idea is bound to come up at some point.
This brother starts by mentioning his fear of slipping. I’m guessing that his concern stems from the possibility of slipping to mitigate the pain of not being in a relationship, meaning the lack of intimacy. The pain of rejection from a coworker is also a possible trigger for a relapse.
He also points out that he went back to being single “the way he was before getting married” for a few months. I assume this means having casual sex with different kinds of women but not pursuing anything serious. While this can be fun for some time, it can also amplify the lack of intimacy and feelings of loneliness, especially after being married.
The woman in question also said she has a boyfriend. Now whether that’s true or not isn’t the point; the point is her saying that means she’s not interested. She made it clear that she doesn’t want to pursue anything with this brother of ours. His continued efforts may place him in the position to be accused of sexual harassment if he doesn’t let up.
There’s also the factor of the 15-year age gap. While I have nothing against age gaps so long as the woman is at least 18 years of age, there are still some concerns. Sure, she may be old enough to date but why would you want to run the risk of fulfilling the “creepy older guy” stereotype? Sometimes it doesn’t matter that she’s 18, 21, or even 25; she might just be too young to pursue.
Ultimately, there are thousands of other women in any area. There are so many options available; why only hold yourself back to the women you see yourself every day? Limiting yourself to seeking relationships in the workplace stems from a scarcity mindset. Get out there, start dating some different women, and realize that she’s not the only one.
Again, this brother is probably suffering and in some emotional pain because of his divorce. It sounds like he’s probably missing some of the intimacy he had with his wife. But seeking that intimacy through causal sex will never fill the void. Nor will pursuing women in the workplace. He needs to get out in the real world and start dating again to rebuild that lost sense of intimacy.
If you’re struggling with the same thing, brother, know that you’re not alone. I know you might think your situation is different and that pursuing this girl at work won’t be a problem, but trust me it will be eventually. Don’t limit yourself to women at work; get out there and start talking with the many different women around you.
In the meantime, join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group and let us know what you’re having a hard time with. Maybe it’s workplace romance, maybe it’s getting back into the dating game, maybe it’s simply starting your separation from porn addiction problem, sex, and masturbation. Whatever it is you’re working through there’s another brother dealing with the same thing. Follow our porn addiction recovery program and you never have to handle your difficulties alone; there’s a brotherhood waiting to support you here at Porn Reboot.
I’ve noticed that men feel a sense of urgency to learn to be intimate with their partners as they progress through their reboot.
The years of porn addiction problems eroded their partner’s trust and made it increasingly difficult for them to open up. Developing intimacy is an important part of rebuilding that trust but how can you do that?
Just like your behavior destroyed your partner’s trust, it also affected your ability to be intimate. Before you can learn to rebuild intimacy with your partner you must learn why you struggle with intimacy in the first place. What is it that makes intimacy so difficult for men who are working through an out-of-control behavior?
1. You had no positive examples of what a healthy relationship looks like.
Even though I know my mom and dad loved each other, they never really demonstrated what a healthy relationship entailed. I watched them fight often. I saw him hit her sometimes. She hit him back, threw glasses, screamed. Neither of them provided an example of what a relationship should look like.
I know the same applies to lots of men in porn addiction counseling and our porn addiction recovery reboot program. Their parents didn’t serve as a good model of a healthy relationship. This might be the case for you, too. If you didn’t have a positive example of what a partnership should look like, you won’t inherently know how to build intimacy.
2. You experienced betrayal or inconsistent behavior from people you looked up to while younger.
When role models are absent or inconsistent during your developmental years it makes it difficult to learn how to build intimacy. You adopt negative views of people who are supposed to be taking care of you. Instead, you learn that depending on people leads to hurt and disappointment. You believe that people will never follow through on what they say they’ll do.
These betrayals and inconsistencies don’t create a strong foundation for building intimacy. Trust is a necessity for intimacy. If you can’t trust the people who are supposed to care for you, how can you possibly trust someone else? And if you can’t trust them, how can you build intimacy with them?
3. You believe that lying is the best way to avoid negative consequences.
There were times during my childhood when my parents punished me unjustly. Sometimes they hit me harder than they should have. Other times they were unnecessarily cruel. I didn’t understand why back then but looking back now it was likely because they were stressed out and exhausted. The last thing they wanted to do was deal with a kid who had made a mistake.
I soon learned to lie as a way to avoid those unfair punishments. It kept me somewhat safer while I was younger but it didn’t stay in my childhood. Unfortunately, that practice stuck with me through adolescence and into adulthood. It was easier to be dishonest and avoid discomfort than it was to tell the truth and deal with whatever the outcome was.
While lying may help you avoid those consequences, it’s not a useful practice to keep up as an adult. Eventually, you need to learn to tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. This is especially important if you have any hope of building intimacy with your partner.
4. You experienced abandonment.
Abandonment is a painful feeling to experience as a child. Maybe your parents got divorced and one of them left without looking back. When you were let down by those who were supposed to care for you, it often leads to the narrative that everyone you care about will eventually leave.
If you still carry this belief as an adult it will make it impossible to build intimacy. You’ll always be half-in/half-out because you believe your partner will eventually leave you. You must learn to work through these old feelings of abandonment so you can build an intimate relationship.
5. You survived some form of abuse.
Abuse occurs in all forms, from mental and physical to spiritual and sexual abuse. Being a victim of abuse is never your fault no matter what you were told or how it may feel. Abuse destroys your ability to develop intimacy. It causes deep, lasting damage to the psyche and takes time to overcome.
Experiencing abuse at the hands of someone who says they love you teaches you to associate abuse with intimacy. This is particularly true if it happened while you were a young child. Learning to identify and remove yourself from people who exhibit abusive behaviors is challenging but necessary if you want to overcome your struggles with intimacy.
How to Build Intimacy
Once you understand why you struggle with intimacy, learning to build intimate connections is the next step. I’ll dive into this topic on another day because it deserves its own post. Building intimate connections with your partner is crucial, but understanding intimacy is also important for building fulfilling relationships in general. Unless you can learn to overcome the stumbling blocks above, as well as any others you may experience, you’ll continue having a difficult time building intimate relationships with others.
“Hey J.K., how do we get rid of porn-induced fetishes? In my case, I have fantasies of being dominated. Things like femdom, face-sitting, edging, and even pegging are a turn-on. When I hear or read the word dominant or domination, it involuntarily makes me think of femdom. And sometimes I even get a soft erection from just hearing the word.
“It makes me disgusted and yet I still find pleasure in it. I’ve started to meditate to increase my awareness of these thoughts and emotions, but every time my mind thinks of pornography it fantasizes about domination. Will this go away with time as I abstain from pornography or do I have to address it in a specific way?”
Porn-induced fetishes are a common experience for plenty of men who deal with porn addiction. I’ve written and talked about them in the past, offering various techniques for overcoming them. As you get deeper into your compulsive porn use, you must seek out more extreme genres to achieve arousal. This usually means finding yourself watching increasingly questionable types of pornography, things you may not have imagined yourself interested in.
Over time, these varying kinds of pornography can affect your arousal template. You might find yourself stimulated by acts that you were never intrigued by in the past. This is exactly what this brother is experiencing now with his femdom fantasies.
Before I go further, I want to point out that there’s nothing wrong with fetishes. Human sexual behavior covers a vast range of interests, fantasies, and fetishes, and you’ll learn to be comfortable with your preferences as you reboot. Today I’m talking about those that are strictly porn-induced, not those that are a genuine part of your sexuality.
I also want to reassure you that you can overcome porn-induced fetishes. More often than not they aren’t a permanent thing. Time away from porn should help you return to your normal arousal template. If you commit to the reboot process you’ll find that you can overcome a lot more than you ever imagined.
Developing awareness is the primary way to work through your unwanted porn-induced fetishes. Self-awareness is key to separating your natural sexual interests from those that arose as a result of your porn addiction. Learning to recognize feelings you experience when thinking about different sexual experiences is key to this process.
For example, porn-induced fetishes cause feelings of shame, regret, and disgust. If you notice any of these arising, you’re likely dealing with one that’s porn addiction problems. The more you learn about yourself and the more you remove porn from your life, the easier it will be to separate the two.
This awareness comes as part of the reboot process. It takes time to figure out what parts are leftover from your porn addiction and what parts are your natural arousal template. As you stick with the system, though, you develop clarity of mind and body. You recognize what is and isn’t for you. And it’s not because you’re fighting your brain; it’s because you’re working with it.
Once you’re fully rebooted, you’ll find that fetishes that left you feeling disgusted with yourself are no longer a part of your life. You won’t feel that small bit of excitement like our brother does when he hears the word “dominant.” Those old fetishes will no longer have power over you and you’ll get to walk the world a free man. This incredible gift is only one of the many things you’ll find as part of the process in Porn Reboot.
Although people don’t explicitly talk about it, millions of people view porn around the world. Instant access to high-speed internet pornography has created a massive issue among men and women of all ages.
Over the last two decades, attitudes towards pornography have relaxed. It’s almost expected that everyone consumes some form of porn. And the numbers back up that assumption. More than 92 million people access Pornhub every day, breaking down to 63,992 visitors per second.1 Porn sites rank among the top most-visited sites on the entirety of the world wide web.
Instant access to high-speed pornography has created serious porn addiction problems in society. Addiction to pornography is on the rise and it impacts every area of life. From relationships to careers to finances and more, porn addiction can infiltrate and destroy every aspect. How does compulsive porn use affect a person’s life?
What Are Some Porn Addiction Problems?
While using porn isn’t particularly healthy in many circumstances, porn addiction adds another layer of complication.Porn addiction problems affect not only those who consume it but the people who produce it, along with the industry as a whole. What are some of the problems caused by porn addiction?
Problems for Porn Users
The most straightforward and self-explanatory porn addiction problem is less satisfaction with sex in real life. Porn eliminates all intimacy, strips down relationship-building to the bare essentials, and ultimately establishes false expectations. Think about any “storyline” you’ve seen in a pornographic film; how closely does that align with reality?
Pornography deteriorates a person’s ability to build healthy relationships. It causes men to view women as objects rather than whole people with their own wants and needs. Women become a tool for men to use for pleasure, not a person.
Additionally, the more porn a man watches, the more he must think about porn to maintain arousal during intercourse.2 Traditional sex becomes less arousing after watching porn for months or years. Sex in real life becomes less engaging when you’re used to seeing every possible fantasy play out on the screen in front of you.
Porn addiction problems expand to other areas of life, too. Your career is impacted when you repeatedly show up for work late after staying up all night watching porn. This affects your financial well-being, especially if you blow a business deal or end up losing your job.
Pornography addiction symptoms also affect your marriage, your family, and your friendships. They affect your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. Porn addiction effects impact your self-confidence, self-esteem, and overall self-image. Ultimately, pornography touches upon every aspect of your life.
Problems in the Industry
Porn addiction problems aren’t limited to the people who watch it; they also affect those who participate in its production. There are countless problems plaguing the porn industry from casting to producing to distributing.
One of the primary problems that porn addiction creates within the porn industry is the demand for increasingly extreme genres. As people consume more porn, they become desensitized to what they’re watching on screen. They need more intense scenes and situations to feel aroused.
While it’s easy to separate from people in porn scenes, they are real people acting out what you watch on screen. This means everything you watch on screen was something a real person had to experience for your pleasure. Violence against women dominates the porn industry, with upwards of 95% of aggression in porn scenes directed at women.
That violence also carries back into real life. People begin to believe that women really want what they see on the screen and some bring it into their sexual encounters. For example, one study shows that 59% of women have experienced slapping, biting, or hair-pulling during consensual sexual intercourse.
Human trafficking is another major porn addiction problem experienced in the industry. Pornography “talent” must come from somewhere, and not everyone is interested in participating. The amount of human trafficking that occurs because of the porn industry is astounding.
How to Quit Porn Addiction
With all the problems caused by porn addiction, it’s difficult to see why someone would still engage. However, it is a serious and progressive problem, and knowing how to stop porn addiction is a difficult thing to learn. Porn addiction withdrawal often keeps men trapped in an unwanted cycle of compulsive porn, sex, and masturbation.
Thankfully, our porn addiction recovery program which is the Porn Reboot system offers a pathway to escape the porn addiction cycle. You can quit your porn addiction and never feel the need to rely on porn again. Porn Reboot is a system that works with your biology to help you overcome your dependence on porn. By rebuilding the areas of your life that porn took away, you’ll find freedom from the grips of porn addiction.
