I like to find or make funny memes and post them in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot Facebook group about once a week. Like a lot of others, I find that humor is a great way to cope with topics and experiences that can be difficult and painful at times. So our weekly memes are something that brothers in the group often look forward to.
A couple of weeks ago I made a meme that I thought was pretty funny. It was a picture of Mr. Clean, that bald white mascot for a cleaning company, wringing water out a sponge. The caption on the image said, “Your wife’s panties after hearing you decided to quit pornography and join Porn Reboot.”
It was pretty hilarious if I do say so myself, and lots of guys in the group thought it was great, too. We spent so many years more interested in porn than sex with our wives or partners. Lots of us struggled with porn-induced erectile dysfunction, too. No wonder our spouse is excited when we’re finally ready to quit porn. And any man with the same experience can relate.
But some brothers had some choice words in response.
“Bad. Just bad.”
“What little interest I had in joining your program is gone now.”
“Completely unprofessional.”
“Do you wanna be taken seriously?”
“You charge folks for porn reboot coaching and you post this crap?”
“Apologize to the group and take it down right now.”
I was astounded at how many people were offended by a simple joke. I didn’t think it would cause that much of a problem. But it also got me thinking about what being offended by things means at a deeper level.
It reminds me of when I was a confused Catholic guy in my 20s. During my freshman year of college, I remember watching drunk girls come home with a guy and judging them. Night after night I sat with my friends calling these women all sorts of names, but then went back to my dorm room and angrily jerked off at the same girls I judged.
I judged women I couldn’t be with. I judged comedians who made vulgar jokes on late-night television about different actresses and celebrities. And then I would masturbate while thinking of whatever woman made me angry earlier.
Over time I realized that I wasn’t actually angry at these women or those jokes.
I was really just angry at myself.
I was upset at my lack of sexual control and how quickly I betrayed my perceived values. Those things that I thought made me angry really just aroused shame, guilt, and jealousy. It wasn’t the world that had the problem, it was me. I was the one with a messed-up view of the world, looking at everything through the lens of my porn-addled brain.
Lots of the men in the Porn Reboot program grew up in households held together by Catholicism or Christianity. We weren’t taught that sexual jokes are okay. And then our closet porn addiction stunted our ability to relate with women, but we believed our lack of sexual experience was their problem.
I spent so much time placing blame on others that I never bothered to consider the common denominator every time I was offended: me. I was the one finding fault in everything when really I was the one at fault.
I imagine the brothers who lashed out at the simple, silly meme I posted are dealing with something similar. Many of us share similar experiences and they’re probably dealing with underlying self-loathing, shame, and guilt. They haven’t yet employed the tools we use in the Porn Reboot program to determine the source of these feelings.
Instead, they lash out at perceived offenses or injustices. They allow external circumstances to dictate their internal condition. And I know from experience because I did the same thing. Thankfully, I learned to respond to situations and circumstances, not react. It isn’t an overnight process but it’s possible.
If you’re struggling with finding offense in everything around you, then your reboot will help. Porn Reboot is about so much more than pornography. Sure, porn addiction is what gets you in the door but you’ll find more than that waiting for you once you commit to the process. Freeing yourself from the need to feel offended is one of the most important things you can do. Join us today and find out for yourself just how incredible that freedom can be.
I want to bring you a question from one of our brothers in the Porn Reboot group today. He asked:
“My girlfriend and I decided that to protect her heart, I don’t share anything about my reboot slip-ups unless she specifically asks exactly what she wants to know. Sometimes when we’re catching up about our days, though, I’ll have acted out that day. Like she’ll ask how my midday nap was but I watched porn instead of taking a nap. I feel horrible lying to her but I want to keep our agreement. How do I handle this?”
This is a fantastic question because it’s something many men in committed relationships deal with during their reboot. Many spouses and partners of men with a porn addiction problem experience extreme betrayal trauma.
When a man first ends his out-of-control behavior with porn, sometimes his spouse wants to know where he is going and what he is doing at all times. She wants to know whether he’s still watching porn, what type of porn, or what the women he’s watching look like. These women feel unbelievably hurt and for good reason.
This brother’s question means he and his girlfriend are in a good position given the situation. She is aware of his out-of-control behavior and he understands how his behavior hurts her. It sounds like she’s allowing him enough space to work on his reboot without her getting too invested or involved.
However, it also sounds like this brother is someone trapped by the idea that he needs to be honest at all costs. I don’t hold to this belief, especially when it comes to the reboot process. I don’t believe you should lie to your partner but I also don’t think you need to tell her about every slip that occurs.
I think you should have a conversation with her upfront instead. Let her know that slips are often part of the reboot process but you don’t want to put her in the middle of things. Explain that you have a coach, a therapist, and accountability partners to work through those slips with. Tell her you understand that she didn’t sign up to be your accountability partner, nor did she sign up to be hurt. Acknowledge the damage you’ve done and help her see how talking with her about any future slips will only do more harm than good.
If you’re honest about the possibility of slips from the beginning, it eliminates the need to feel like you’re lying by omission. You shouldn’t drag your partner through the weeds every time you slip; it’s your responsibility to fix it and keep her from dealing with the repercussions of your behavior.
Find a way to discuss situations like the one our brother outlined above without bringing up the slip. For example, he could tell her that he had a lot on his mind when he laid down so he wasn’t able to go to sleep.
He doesn’t need to bring up watching porn because it’s ultimately irrelevant. He should talk about the emotions that led up to the slip instead. Perhaps he was tired from the gym or stressed about an intense workload. He could bring these things up and talk them through with his girlfriend so he is honest without needing to talk about his slip.
I recommend you do the same in your relationship, brother. It’s not your partner’s burden to bear, it’s yours. You must find a way to work on your behavior without stringing her along through the process. You don’t need to be completely transparent about every slip but you do need to let her in on what’s going on.
Knowing the fine balance of how much to share is something you learn during the reboot process. Over time you won’t deal with slips as frequently, either, so you won’t have to keep skirting around the topic. The Porn Reboot system works, brother, and both you and your partner will benefit from the work you do.
About twice a month, I have conversations with different brothers in our intensive program who ask about masturbation in moderation.
It’s a common curiosity that many share. They’re usually men in the middle to late stage of their reboot who are starting to differentiate between normal, healthy sexual urges and urges caused by their out-of-control behavior. These men usually are not in a relationship but they are casually dating.
You might have found yourself wondering the same thing at one point or another in your reboot: “Can I masturbate in moderation?”
Personally, I’m not an advocate for masturbation in moderation. When you have a history of pornography addiction, there’s a slim chance that you can masturbate without taking it too far. Some brothers are capable of it but you cannot find out in the early stages of your reboot, anyways. You won’t know whether your attempts are successful until your brain rewires.
Men who are in the later stages of their reboot have a bit more leeway here, though. While masturbation in moderation doesn’t work for me, nor does it work for plenty of other men, I still try to handle the question on a case-by-case basis.
Typically I find that there’s something deeper at play when a brother brings this question up in our conversation. He might say, “I’m dating but I’m going through a dry spell right now,” or, “I’m in a long-distance relationship and she hasn’t been in town in a long time.” On the surface, this seems fine, but dig a bit further and oftentimes the real question is, “I’m afraid of being vulnerable with or risking rejection from a woman, so can I mask that pain with masturbation?”
Oftentimes brothers use the excuse of seasons when they ask me this question. They insist it’s a season for advancing their career or building their physique, and they don’t have time to dedicate themselves to finding a woman. However, it’s usually that they aren’t willing to risk getting vulnerable or being rejected so they would rather take the easy way out.
I hate to inform you, brother, but life doesn’t work the way that it does in porn. You don’t have instant access to hundreds of beautiful women whenever you want them. That sense of instant gratification instilled by your porn addiction symptoms takes time to overcome, but masturbation in moderation isn’t a technique that will help you get there.
I recommend learning to put yourself out there. I know it isn’t easy given the state of the dating world today. The apps are exhausting and women ghost left and right. It’s tiresome to feel like you’re trying all the time yet getting rejected constantly, but you must learn to experience pain without turning to pornography or masturbation to soothe it.
When you’re feeling like you want to masturbate in moderation, I suggest finding an alternative solution. Go hang out with some friends, join a club, sign up for a class at your local community center, participate in a rec league, get to the gym, read a book, or some other form of entertainment.
Turning to masturbation as a way to self-soothe or pass the time is not an option for you anymore. You also must learn that you don’t have to submit to every sexual urge you experience. You shouldn’t give your urges that much power over you; your urges do not control you.
Once you learn to identify and handle your emotions properly, though, occasional masturbation may become an option for you. Some brothers are married or in serious relationships and their partner gets sick, is pregnant, or has some mental health struggles. Masturbation may be okay if it’s not within his morals to go out and have sex with another woman.
Again, I ultimately believe this is best considered on a case-by-case basis. Masturbation is not for men in their early reboot. It’s not for men looking to avoid emotional pain or vulnerability or the possibility of rejection. It’s not a way to pass the time or let off some steam. And if you’re not in a position to recognize why that’s the case, then masturbation in moderation probably isn’t for you yet, either.
I have another great question from a brother in the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot group for you today. He asks:
“Hey, J.K. Does it make sense to set goals that don’t satisfy one or more components of the SMART system? My experience in the past shows me it’s possible to achieve goals using only visualization. In high school, I consumed a lot of Law of Attraction material that worked well and provided me with some crazy results.
“Since I started following you, I’ve adopted your approach with the RES system. It’s nice to finally have a scientific explanation for my positive experiences with the Law of Attraction. So I’m wondering, do you believe visualization is superior to goal-setting?”
First off, this brother mentioned the SMART system for goal-setting. You’ve probably heard of some form of it before. It outlines a clear set of aspects that your goals should adhere to if you want them to be successful. A SMART goal is Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Based.
Using these parameters to set goals is one of the most effective approaches. Too many people set arbitrary or subjective goals which leave them spinning in circles for months or weeks. However, using a SMART system to set goals ensures you can track your progress and determine precisely when you’ve accomplished them.
In my experience, though, I don’t use visualization when setting goals. I’m familiar with the concept of it and understand that it works for people, but it’s not something I use myself. I don’t use the SMART system to set goals, either. It was a primary approach for the sales organization I worked for before becoming a reboot coach, but it wasn’t something I used.
Instead, I look at goals in a very objective, realistic way. I break large goals down into smaller, actionable steps. I have 90-day goals, one-year goals, three-year goals, and five-year goals. I have a rough sketch of what I want the next few decades to look like and I have an outline of what I need to do to ensure that becomes a reality.
That doesn’t mean I’m married to my plans. I understand that life happens and things out of my control will always come up. I’m able and willing to adapt my goals and actions as needed to meet the demands of my current situation or circumstances. But using the unpredictable nature of life as an excuse not to set goals is a poor way to reject your personal responsibility.
While I don’t use visualization when setting my goals, I believe that it can be successful for others. I don’t believe it’s a superior approach, though; I simply believe that it’s one of many alternatives. There is no single path to setting goals or achieving them. There are many different approaches to the process and you need to determine which works best for you.
This brother prefers visualization but you may prefer the SMART system. You might find that my simple, realistic approach is a better fit for you. No matter which approach you choose, though, you must choose one. You’re not in a position to live a half-lived life. You were freed from the bondage of your out-of-control behavior and have the opportunity to rebuild your life into something incredible.
Take time using each approach to setting goals before deciding which is right for you. You may also find that one approach works in certain situations while a different is more effective in other circumstances. Whatever you do, don’t give up on setting goals. Don’t let yourself settle for a life void of progress and development. You’ve come too far to lose yourself to mediocrity, brother.
Brother, I want to talk to you about something that’s affecting a lot of men these days – porn addiction. I know it’s not an easy topic to discuss, but it’s important to address it because it can have a significant impact on your mental health and relationships.
Firstly, let’s talk about what porn addiction is. It’s a condition where a person has an uncontrollable urge to view pornography, often leading to compulsive and excessive use. Porn addiction can lead to a range of negative consequences, including relationship problems, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
Now, let’s talk about why porn addiction is so prevalent today. With the widespread availability of the internet and smartphones, accessing pornography has become easier than ever. Moreover, many people view pornography as a harmless and acceptable form of entertainment, not realizing the harm it can cause.
Let me level with you real quick. Porn addiction is a straight-up trap, my dude. It’s all fun and games until you find yourself deep in the rabbit hole, feeling like you can’t get out. You might think it’s harmless or just a way to blow off some steam, but let me tell you, it can mess you up big time.
First of all, let’s talk about your brain. When you’re watching porn, your brain releases a ton of dopamine, which is basically a chemical that makes you feel good. But the thing is, your brain gets used to this rush of dopamine, and it starts to crave it more and more. Before you know it, you’re addicted and you can’t get that same feeling from anything else.
And let’s not forget about the impact porn can have on your relationships, man. If you’re constantly watching porn, it can make you feel disconnected from your partner and can even lead to erectile dysfunction. Plus, it’s just not fair to your partner if you’re getting all your sexual needs met through a computer screen.
But maybe the scariest part of all is the way porn can warp your view of sex and relationships. Constantly seeing unrealistic images of men and women in pornography can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. It can make you believe that you’re not attractive or desirable enough, leading to further negative thoughts and behaviors.
So, what can you do about it? Well, the first step is to recognize that you have a problem. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you’re addicted to something, but it’s the only way you can start to make a change. From there, it’s all about taking small steps to break the addiction.
But the truth is that porn addiction is a serious problem that can have lasting effects on your well-being. Here are some of the ways that porn addiction can harm you:
Health problems
Porn addiction can also have physical health consequences. Excessive use can lead to problems such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and loss of libido. It can also lead to poor sleep patterns, fatigue, and other health issues.
Mental health problems
Porn addiction can also have a significant impact on your mental health. It can lead to depression, anxiety, and feelings of isolation and loneliness. It can also make it difficult to concentrate and perform well at work or school.
Hey man, if you’re feeling like porn has taken over your life, there are some things you can do to take control. Here are a few steps you can take:
First off, it’s important to admit to yourself that you have a problem. It’s not easy to do, but it’s the first step in overcoming any addiction.
Next, consider seeking professional help. There are plenty of resources out there, like therapy, support groups, and Porn Reboot, that can give you the guidance and support you need to make positive changes.
Developing healthy habits like exercise, meditation, and mindfulness can also be really helpful in coping with the stress and anxiety that can come with addiction. Plus, they’ll help you build a more positive self-image and improve your overall well-being.
It’s also important to try to limit your exposure to pornography. This might mean setting limits on your internet and smartphone usage or avoiding triggers like certain websites or social media accounts.
Finally, building a support network can make a big difference. Surrounding yourself with people who understand what you’re going through and support your journey can be a huge help. Joining a support group or online community can give you a sense of belonging and accountability. Remember, you’re not alone, brother.
Early in the reboot process, you might find yourself wondering when things get better. You’ve spent years trapped in the vicious cycle of porn addiction problems and masturbation addiction. It’s no wonder you want to finally feel some relief. But at the same time, achieving that point of relief and happiness probably seems impossible some days.
I’ve spent 15 years working at my reboot now and I understand the rush to feel “happy.” When I first started ending my out-of-control behavior it had been so long since I felt truly happy. I had no idea what true happiness was, though, because I developed a false sense of fulfillment through porn, sex, and masturbation.
Too many men focus on achieving happiness as an end goal, not recognizing that their understanding of happiness will shift over time. I’ve found that the benchmark for happiness is arbitrary and fleeting and always changing. Things that you think will make you happy may not be what you thought they would be once you achieve them.
At the start of my reboot, I believed that things would be perfect once I had my finances together, once I had the woman, once I had a social life, and once I controlled my sexual behavior. However, I realized as time went on that my belief that the elimination of problems would bring happiness wasn’t true. It’s almost as if problems are a prerequisite for happiness.
If there’s one promise in life it’s that problems will always arise. You can’t experience life to the fullest without also experiencing your fair share of problems. The elimination of all your problems isn’t the pathway to happiness because more will always crop up sooner or later.
Also, think about how you feel when you solve a problem. It may be difficult at the moment, whether that’s a few days, weeks, or even years, but once you work through it you’re likely left feeling incredibly fulfilled. The sense of accomplishment that comes with solving a problem runs deeper than any fleeting sense of happiness ever could.
In my experience, pursuing this deep sense of fulfillment is far more meaningful and lasting than the pursuit of happiness. And I also find that over time, the fulfillment eventually becomes happiness. This means I believe that accepting the inevitability of problems is the first step to happiness.
Recognize the reality that you will never fully escape your problems. You’re always going to have them to some extent. Instead of fighting them, though, try accepting each one as it comes. Shift your perspective and see them as an opportunity to challenge yourself and grow.
The shift won’t happen overnight and it won’t happen easily. Men who struggle with compulsive behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation are always looking for an easy fix. I know that because I spent most of my early life doing the same thing. But quick fixes are not lasting fixes; they only put a bandaid over a wound that needs intensive care.
If you commit to shifting your beliefs about problem-solving, I guarantee you’ll find happiness much faster than the way you’re approaching it now. Sure, things like promotions, raises, having children, and going on trips are great ways to experience happiness. At the same time, once the excitement wears off you’ll find yourself back where you started.
Learning to appreciate the fulfillment of problem-solving and use it as my primary source of happiness has completely changed my life. I welcome the problems I know will inevitably arise and use them as an opportunity to better myself. There will always be a problem to solve; why not use it as the pathway to happiness?
I have another question from a brother I want to bring to you today. He said,
“From what I understand, one of the goals of our middle reboot is to eventually cultivate a brand new sense of identity and embrace our new porn-free life. I believe that I’m still in this stage. However, do you ever look back at your past with strong emotions like pity or resentment for how you used to be? I’m having trouble reaching a place of compassion for how I used to be because today I see it as wildly repulsive and against my values.”
After talking with men for over a decade about overcoming their out-of-control behavior, I know how common this feeling is. Most men feel repulsed by their past selves at various points during their reboot. As you move further away from the man you once were, it’s normal to almost feel bad for that person.
No man wants to return to that dark and evil place from the past. It makes sense to think that way. But you’ll probably be surprised to hear that I don’t support looking at it this way at all. There’s some part of us that wants to see our past selves as evil people.
In reality, though, that was never your intention. You didn’t set out to become an isolated, self-loathing man addicted to pornography and masturbation. That wasn’t your plan when you first stumbled upon a porn film or experienced an orgasm. You only wanted to feel that sense of pleasure and relief. Unfortunately, you chased that feeling for too long and reached a point where you lost control of your behavior.
Still, no matter what you did, that wasn’t what you set out to do. You aren’t the horrible person you believe yourself to be. And I think chastising yourself in this manner only serves to harm you, not help you. It does not make your reboot any easier.
You also needed that person to become who you are today. I don’t hate the old J.K. because if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be the man I am today. I needed the darkness, the repulsive thoughts, and the abhorrent behavior to help the men that I get to help each day of my life now.
Shame and guilt are two very corrosive feelings. They are why you find yourself feeling the way you do about the past version of you. When you feel shame or guilt about the things you watched, places you went, or experiences you had, it makes you want to deny your old self.
You can’t brand the person you were in the past as evil and still think that you’ll become a good person in the future. If you do that, you’ll always want to keep your past hidden and suppressed. It will be the dirty secret you keep from the world, but how is that any different than when you were trapped in the cycle of your out-of-control behavior?
I’m not suggesting that you lead with the fact that you’re a porn addict. You don’t need to tell everyone you meet that you struggled with compulsive porn use and masturbation. But you also don’t need to hide from it either. You may find yourself in a position to help another man dealing with the same problem. But if you’re too busy engulfed in shame, you won’t use your experience to help him escape the cycle.
It might seem impossible to reach that place at times, especially when you first start in the Porn Reboot program. I’ve talked with hundreds of men and heard their deepest, darkest secrets. These are things they swore never to tell another soul because we know the black depths we can sink into during our pornography addictions.
Then after a few months of implementing the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot system, I get to see these same men learn to love themselves despite their past. They embrace their flaws and accept the things they used to do instead of fighting against the reality of it. There is nothing more empowering than watching a man reclaim his life instead of letting his past life claim him.
Men come to the Porn Reboot program and learn to develop a set of standards and values that work for them. You don’t come here and adopt every thought, action, and behavior that I tell you to; you become empowered to find that truth for yourself. No one knows you better than you. The system equips you with the tools to determine what is right for you and to develop the confidence to stand on that deep sense of self-understanding without needing approval from anyone else.
I don’t leave you to figure it out all on your own, though. The Porn Reboot system includes tools you can use to embrace your past self. Self-compassion is a revolutionary approach that empowers you to view the old version of yourself with love and tolerance, not pity and hatred. Accepting your past is the only way to move forward in life, otherwise, your old behavior will still control you, even after you leave porn behind.
It’s an exciting thing to witness and I truly feel grateful for the experience. Selfishly, what I do makes my life worth it because I get a front-row seat to watch men overcome something I know the pain of struggling with. I never imagined I could overcome my pornography addiction and neither do many of the brothers I talk with every single day. But here we are years later living lives we only dreamed of.
When you have moments where you hate your past, brother, trust that it’s part of the process. We were all there at one point. As you learn to forgive yourself, though, you’ll find a new, beautiful life growing before your eyes. It takes time, work, determination, and dedication, but you’re now part of hundreds of men who have done and continue to do the same. It’s an incredible thing to experience, brother, and I can’t wait to see what you do.
This year marks 10 years of professionally coaching men toward freedom from pornography. I’ve seen all kinds of things throughout this last decade and I have a good idea of what happens to men who don’t seek professional help. I see the same brothers hitting me up for tips year after year but then doing nothing to change their life.
These brothers have been asking for help for ten years now. Some were 22 when I first heard from them, and now they’re 32 with a life that looks the same, or worse. Others were about to turn 40 and I warned them that this was their last shot to get their lives together, get into a relationship, and start a family. Today they’re 50 years old and still pitifully addicted to pornography.
We’re in a difficult time right now. The last few years were filled with adversity. The men who chose to control their behavior from the first time they reached out fared well throughout the chaos and uncertainty. Those who were focused, disciplined, and mentally strong continued to thrive during these times.
However, men who used porn, sex, and masturbation as coping mechanisms may have survived, but they surely didn’t thrive. Relying on compulsive sexual behavior only resulted in a miserable struggling existence.
And if you’re in that latter group, today’s message is for you.
The stress reflects physically on your body. You found yourself soft, pudgy, and weak from stress eating. You’re fueled by sugar and caffeine. Your girlfriend or wife doesn’t want to have sex with you if you can’t achieve an erection. You can’t get hard or stay hard because you chose pornography over her. You’ve become boring. You chose a life of domesticity over adventure and learning. No one wants to sleep with the man they argue with over the dishes every night.
If you’re single, you may wonder why women won’t date you. You don’t bother to groom yourself. You dress comfortably, which is a nice way of saying you’re a grown man who dresses like a schoolboy. You’re overweight and your best features are obscured by the bloat from the fast food you shovel into yourself every day.
You feel entitled to women who are 10s because you watch them in porn while you’re barely a 5 on your best day. You lack ambition. You play video games all night. You smoke weed every day. You live to be entertained. If you ever manage to get a girlfriend, she’ll have to find a sugar daddy because you’re too busy seeking pleasure to be a provider.
You’ll likely have to settle for the lowest-hanging fruit when it comes to women. You’ll hang onto her because you know you won’t find better. And then you will spend the rest of your life secretly jerking off to women you truly find attractive online.
You’re weak. You’re stunted. You’re overwhelmed. You’re unable to prioritize. You’re mentally consumed by a constant diet of unfiltered garbage information that you allow into your head. The news, nonsense YouTube videos, pointless podcasts, endless Reddit threads, Wikipedia black holes, and perma-scrolling Twitter, of it, fill your head with useless information that makes you think you’re smart.
When was the last time you created something? What was the last original thought or idea you formulated? I’m not talking about repeating talking points that someone else gave you or buying into the hive mind of whatever group you’re a part of.
Your emotional capacity is next to nothing but you’re always emotionally charged. Your erratic emotional range consists of numbness, irritation, anger, depression, loneliness, excitement, and fear. Instead of experiencing the emotional capacity of a Boeing 747 that flies intercontinental, you’re a paper plane that can barely reach the back of the classroom and is destined for the trash.
You’re spiritually bankrupt, too, even if you believe yourself to be a Christian. Your religious affinity only pays lip service to the type of man you wish you were. But what would your congregation think if they saw your browser history, your secret apps, and your external hard drives? I bet they tell a different story.
Your behavior is a growing cancer of the soul. You’ve spent empty years lying, desperately trying to hold up your shining image while living a double life. This is no way to live, brother. You’re falling apart, relying on your limited social circle for validation while destroying yourself every day.
If you’re at all interested in rebuilding your life and thriving in the years to come, it’s time to seriously reconsider your life. You could have saved yourself this last decade of destruction had you only followed through on the help you initially sought.
Honestly ask yourself what holds you back from taking action to overcome your porn addiction problems. Maybe it’s shame. Maybe it’s pride. Maybe you just don’t care and you’re stuck in a cycle of apathy. You know you have a problem but you’re fooling yourself by thinking you can handle it alone if you’re stuck in the same place 10 years later.
I know I sound harsh today but I feel disheartened. It’s painful to look at an email thread I can follow back to 2012 with a man who has clearly done nothing to change his circumstances. It feels wrong and I can’t sit back without saying something, especially as a man who has been where you are.
I think men who struggle with porn addiction live on a slightly altered timeline. We don’t seem to realize how time flies. The years slip by but we’re so busy consumed by our porn addiction symptoms that we miss the signs. Instead of seeing ourselves as the problem, though, we blame other things for our wide range of shortcomings.
The description above is probably painful to read. It may not describe every aspect of your life but I’m sure there are at least a few attributes that describe you. And it might seem like there’s nothing you can do to change, but professional help will make a difference. I’ve watched hundreds of men change their lives throughout the last decade of the Porn Reboot program a form of porn addiction counseling only with a better and effective method proven for years.
Have you reached a point that you can’t handle anymore? Are you ready to take responsibility for your life? I would love to see you join us in the Porn Reboot group and get started. Even if you don’t participate in the intensive, getting involved in our free Facebook group is a great place to start. You can learn what the Porn Reboot program is about and start implementing the system in your life today.
Quit watching time pass you by, brother. Take control of your life. Today can be the day that shifts the trajectory and pulls you from the pit of hopelessness you’ve landed yourself in.
Too many men come to the Porn Reboot program thinking their outside circumstances will save them from their porn addiction effects. This is especially true for men who meet the traditional definition of success. They’re doing well in their career. Their kids are well-behaved. They have a good relationship with their spouse, save for some strain caused by their out-of-control behavior. They’re doing well financially and have anything they could possibly want, but they still can’t seem to end their behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation.
Does this sound like you?
It’s easy to get caught in the trap of thinking that your “successful” exterior will somehow change your internal circumstances. Unfortunately, that’s not how this works. I know plenty of guys at the top of their fields in business, athletics, and even Hollywood who can’t control their compulsive sexual behavior. They’re successful by all standards yet still unhappy with where they are because they can’t overcome their porn addiction.
What these men fail to realize, and what you might be coming to terms with right now, is that the necessary transformation doesn’t come from your external achievements. It’s not found in the operations of your business. It doesn’t result from diversifying your product line. It has nothing to do with your finances, dropping expenses, or increasing cash flow.
Other times guys believe they can find their solution through a breathwork retreat, ayahuasca ceremony, or even a Tony Robbins seminar. They come back feeling like a changed man. They feel focused, recentered, and ready to take on the world. They might even have some temporary success in their career that gets them to the next level, but this is only a short-term fix. The excitement of the experience wears off and it doesn’t take long until they’re on a bigger bust than before.
The change you need to overcome porn addiction only happens internally. You can be the wealthiest man in the world, but it won’t give you the tools you need to end your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Your income and assets have no bearing on the internal work you must do. Financial success and quick fixes aren’t the way to a lasting solution. Wealth won’t save you from your porn addiction. You must build a strong foundation if you hope to achieve long-term freedom from compulsive sexual behavior.
If you choose to push through and continue building the outside without working on the inside, your sense of isolation and shame will continue to grow. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “It’s lonely at the top,” right? There’s some truth to that, brother. The further you progress in your business or career, the fewer people will understand the stresses you face every day. As your world becomes increasingly complex, you’ll find yourself feeling more and more alone.
How do you protect what you’ve built? How do you avoid being overtaxed? How do you deal with certain situations? How do you trust somebody with high-level decisions? How do you hire a CFO? Do you trust your operator? How can you find a property manager when you have 60 out-of-state units?
The more you grow in life, the greater your problems become. If you don’t have the internal resources to handle the pressure at this level, you’ll find yourself failing time and time again. Sure, you may last a few days, weeks, or even months, but ultimately you’re still trapped in the same porn addiction cycle.
Wouldn’t you rather escape it once and for all, brother? Isn’t a lasting solution to your struggles far more important than building an empire? And I’m here to tell you that your chances of building an empire are far greater once you have your behavior under control, anyways.
We see it all the time. Brothers join the program with plenty of money but a little bit too late. They came to Porn Reboot once their wife divorced them for their out-of-control behavior. She takes them to court and within a few months they’ve lost all their possessions, their wife takes their kids, they lose their house, and they have nothing left.
What then? Who are you once your wealth is stripped away? Your home? Your family? Your career? Can you still stay porn-free when everything you’ve built comes crashing down around you?
That’s what we’re doing here, brother. That’s why I stress the importance of building a foundation. It doesn’t matter what you build up externally when your internal well-being is still dictated by high-speed internet porn and jerking off all night long.
We’re here to help you build that foundation. It doesn’t matter whether you’re flat broke or a multimillionaire: the solution is the same. The answer to your porn addiction lies on the inside, not the outside. That means no matter who you are, where you came from, or what you’ve done, overcoming your out-of-control behavior is still possible. But you MUST let go of this idea that wealth should come before your reboot. Because so long as you maintain that mindset, brother, you’ll continue to flail and fail.
Today I want to write directly to my peak performers, the highly ambitious men who look for every way possible to accomplish their goals. I received a question from a brother in the group who has an important thing I know a lot of you struggle with. He said,
“J.K, a few months ago you mentioned conditioning your brain to achieve the maximum amount of REM sleep on around four hours of sleep per night. I want to achieve a similar sleep cycle at some point in my life, too. You brought it up in an old podcast episode. How did you achieve this? Does age play a role in your ability to do it? Do you have any resources you recommend?”
Fantastic question. Many of us high performers want to know what we can do to maximize our results on a minimal amount of sleep. Before getting to the answer, though, I want to ask you what your purpose is for cutting down those hours. Why do you want to get so little sleep? Is your schedule so tight that you truly need to sacrifice your rest? Or are you using it to compensate for another area where you’re slacking off?
Why do you want to cut back on sleep?
Sleep is one of the most important aspects of your overall health. An endless sea of research proves this to us, brother. It impacts your physical, mental, social, and emotional well-being. Not getting enough sleep leads to poor work performance, limited focus, decreased emotional resilience, and more. It should never be the first thing on the chopping block, especially for men early in their reboot who are still susceptible to emotional dysregulation.
I suggest you start by looking for areas where you can trim the fat during your waking hours instead. I guarantee you can find at least a few ways you’re wasting time throughout the day. Even though I suggest cutting most extraneous media from your life, I see many brothers still use social media or watch TV when they complete their tasks for the day. Do you scroll a little too far through Instagram or Twitter, or watch an extra episode of television here and there?
Maybe you’re not as efficient as you could be with your work or at the gym. Be honest with yourself. Neglecting sleep because you can’t control yourself during the day is not a good enough reason to try sleeping four hours per night. Step up and be responsible enough to limit your distractions and that should leave you with more time for sleep at night.
If you’re still determined to sleep four hours a night, I also want you to consider what you’re doing with that extra time. Are you squandering it by spreading yourself thin between too many different activities? When I trained myself to get good rest on four hours of sleep, I did it because I was laser-focused on a single task. I had a project I was passionate about at the time. It consumed so much of my focus and I wanted to spend all my waking hours working on it. I used my extra time to dive deeper into this one particular project.
Too often I see men who want to limit their sleep so they can divide their passion between their work, a writing project, a side hustle, a hobby, and time with their family. But by trying to funnel their energy into so many different areas, they ended up wasting that extra time they got when cutting back on rest instead of making good use of it. It wasn’t worth all of the negative effects that so little sleep had on them.
Types of men who can successfully cut back on sleep
I’m not trying to say that it’s impossible, brother. As our brother mentioned when he asked his question, I’ve done it successfully myself multiple times over the years. But it isn’t a beneficial practice for everyone and it’s not the best long-term solution, either. There are certain types of people who can function optimally on only a few hours of sleep. These include:
People with a specific genetic disposition
People in certain professions (e.g., military or first responders)
People who want to focus on one particular area
People with some mental illnesses
Specific genetic dispositions
Through my research, I’ve found that some people have a genetic predisposition to functioning well on little sleep. I like to refer to it as the “short sleep” gene. It’s called the D.C. 2 mutation and it allows people who have it to feel very well rested to four hours of sleep. They feel as fine as others do with the 8 or 9 hours we’re all supposed to get. It has no negative effects on their heart, organs, or mental performance, either.
There’s also another naturally-occurring genetic predisposition called the A.D.R.B. 1 gene that has similar effects. A few examples of some people who may have the short sleep gene include Donald Trump and Martha Stuart. Both have a lifelong history of short sleep from an early age yet still have tremendous success in their lives.
Certain professions
People in certain professions, such as military soldiers, first responders, or surgeons, also learn to function optimally on limited or interrupted sleep. They train themselves to sleep less over the years because it’s necessary for success in their career. Their lives are on the line without finely tuning the need for fewer hours of sleep.
This is especially true of units like the Navy Seals or the Army Green Berets who are on missions that affect their lives and the lives of others. They train professionally through the U.S. military, a highly effective organization with hundreds of years of experience implementing this practice. Look up Jocko Willick and David Goggins, two great examples of men who learned to function optimally on little sleep.
Precise, determined focus
The third type of people who can function well on less sleep is those who want to get more done. They aren’t mindlessly filling their time with more things, though; they stay up because of a precise, determined focus on one thing. There is one thing they want to accomplish that is worth losing sleep over. They have one big goal they’re focused on that enables them to maintain an obsessive level of self-belief, self-discipline, and intense drive despite losing sleep.
I’m not talking about the guys who use their limited number of sleep hours as a marketing tool. I know you have at least one or two people who come to mind that constantly try to prove what hard workers they are by bragging about their lack of sleep. These men are not included in this section; it’s not a badge of honor to sacrifice sleep. It’s only useful when you’re truly disciplined and focused in your areas of expertise, like Tony Robbins or Cameron Haynes, a practiced bow hunter and ultra-marathon runner.
Mental illness
People with some types of mental illness are another example of getting by on limited hours of sleep. I don’t want to dive too deeply into this area because it’s not directly related to our brother’s question, but it’s worth mentioning. So get porn addiction recovery program
People with bipolar disorder tend to have difficulties with sleeping brought about by their mental illness. During their manic or hypomanic episodes, they are often unusually productive while sleeping only three or four hours at a time. However, they struggle when their mood shifts to depressive episodes, and oftentimes they backtrack on the progress they made in their manic state.
Is sacrificing sleep worth it for you?
Still, getting limited sleep for long periods is detrimental to your health for most normal individuals. Research shows that poor sleep leads to lasting health effects that impact you long after you return to a normal sleep schedule. People who train themselves specifically for the practice may still experience some delayed health effects; only time will tell there.
The brother who asked the question mentioned he wants to do more things, including gardening, working out, spending time with his family, working on some writing projects, and a few other personal projects. He would fall into the third category, same as me, save for one crucial detail: he doesn’t have an unwavering focus on a single area. He’s trying to do too many things at once. Unless he chooses to eliminate all but one of those things, his lack of sleep will likely only be a detriment to his performance.
Men often operate on the illusion of balance. They believe that they’ll always be able to have a balanced life. I think that’s what drives my high performers to want to get by on limited sleep. But here’s the thing, brother: balance is an illusion. You’ll never achieve a perfectly-balanced life.
Instead, there are different seasons for different things. There is a season for building your life back up, such as improving your social skills and developing your physique. There is a season for dating or for strengthening your existing relationship. There is a season for building wealth, a season for advancing your career, and a season for launching your side hustle.
None of this happens without a system, though. You need a proven path to achieve your goals, or to even establish them in the first place. You’ve spent months, years, or decades aimlessly spinning around trying to latch onto whatever shiny object passes your way. And if you’re still doing that, you’re going to struggle when trying to cut back on your sleep.
If you’re a regular guy with a regular life, even if you’re one of my highest performers, I want you to think for a while and be rigorously honest with yourself before deciding to limit your rest. What are you doing it for and are there other ways to find more time in your day? If you can’t provide good answers for either question, it might not be time for you to sacrifice sleep just yet. Continue with your reboot process and reconsider the option later down the line instead.
