I’ve got a question from one of our brothers in the Porn Reboot implementation group for you today. He asked:
“What do I do when I’m going on long vacations, when I’m traveling, or moving to a place for a long period of time? How do I manage my reboot under these circumstances?”
When answering this question I thought about it from the perspective of men who are either married or in committed relationships. These men make up an important segment of the group so I wanted to address this in regards to their situation specifically. So if you’re part of that group, this could be helpful for you. So how to stop porn addiction in this case?
Don’t Neglect Your Reboot
You may have spent months building up a solid routine while in the comfort of your everyday environment. As soon as you go out of town, though, it doesn’t often take long for those things to fall by the wayside. It’s easy to get caught up in your trip and distracted when you’re traveling for business or on vacation. But this is a fast track to a slip or relapse.
One of the primary principles of the Porn Reboot system is that everything in your life must revolve around your reboot during the beginning stages. Your reboot comes before everything: your business, your relationships, your friendships, and even your family. Your reboot must be your priority if you want to set a solid foundation to rebuild your life.
This includes going on vacation. It doesn’t matter whether it’s for business or pleasure; you must not neglect your reboot when traveling. If you want to remain porn-free your reboot must remain at the forefront of your mind.
Plan Ahead
Planning is crucial if you want to manage your reboot while traveling. Slips and relapses are more likely to happen when you aren’t prepared. Unexpected stressors can lead you back to compulsive sexual behavior or watching porn when you’re still early in your reboot.
Planning includes making calls to men in the group and setting up times to check in with your accountability partners. Let your trusted friends know that you’ll be away for a few days and that you might need some additional on-call support. You can also set a curfew and ask someone to hold you to that time. Don’t neglect your morning routine and other reboot essentials, either.
Bring a Picture Of Your Spouse
This may sound a little cheesy but it’s something I still use because I find that it works: bring along a framed picture of your spouse and place it next to your bed. Keep it there so you can remember that you have someone important to you back home who is trusting in you to stay the course and continue with your reboot.
You may even want to print out a couple of photos to keep them on hand. And I mean it when I say print them – having a digital format on your phone doesn’t count. Having a physical photo of your significant other provides a tactile reminder of one of the important reasons you’re committed to rebooting.
Get On a Call With Your Coach or Therapist
Be sure to connect with your coach or therapist before you leave for your trip. This is especially important if it’s your first time traveling after starting your reboot. Use that time to unpack any underlying fears or hesitations that arise when you’re thinking about being away. Talking through these concerns with your therapist or coach will put you in the right headspace as you go out of town.
Don’t Fall Victim to Environmental Triggers
If you’re staying in a hotel, call the front desk and ask them to disconnect the cable in your room. You don’t need the added pressure of television offering an endless supply of risqué channels and pay-per-view videos for you to avoid. Ensuring the television is disconnected before you even arrive eliminates this potential trigger.
Be aware of other environmental triggers you may be exposed to. For example, if one of your old behaviors involved visiting massage parlors or hiring escorts, recognize that the temptation may come up. Make sure your plan involves alternative activities if these triggers or temptations arise.
Avoid Isolating Yourself
The best thing you can do to manage reboot while traveling is to avoid isolation. It’s easier to convince yourself that something is okay when you don’t run that idea by anyone else. If you’re connected with other men in the group and your accountability partners, though, it’s harder to rationalize things that aren’t aligned with your reboot.
No matter what you do, don’t isolate yourself entirely while traveling. Call your trusted brothers, check in with the Facebook group, and don’t spend too much time on your own. The more you’re surrounded by people with your best interests at heart, the more likely you are to make it through your travels unscathed.
One of our brothers brought a great question to the group recently.
“Part of my desire to look at porn has to do with the fact that I still want to have sex with other women even though I’m in a relationship. I act out to give me that experience without ‘cheating.’ How do I reframe this mindset to have the right perspective about having a healthy porn-free sex life?”
First of all, wanting to have sex with multiple women is natural. Whether that’s a “good” or “bad” thing depends on you, your values, and what you were raised to do. Plenty of men enjoy a fun, hookup-filled youth. They slept with many different women and made the most of it during the times they could.
Having these sexual experiences is crucial early on, before choosing to settle down with a partner. I think that we can all agree that being in a committed relationship does mean that having multiple partners is out of the question.
Some men choose to get married early and never have a hookup phase. They found a woman they love and care about but sacrificed the opportunity to have a range of sexual experiences. After a decade or two, though, I find that some of these men regret never giving themselves that chance.
This brother admits that part of the reason he views porn addiction problems is to keep him loyal to his partner. He suppresses the biological urge to sleep with a variety of women by watching things play out on a screen. While I think that’s an important realization to come to, it doesn’t work for men who deal with compulsive sexual behavior.
Committed relationships make our lives easier as civilized human beings. It relieves us of the time-consuming biological aspect of jealousy. This frees you up to focus on other important aspects of your life such as caring for your family and performing well at work. It also increases the vital sense of intimacy between you and your partner.
Pornography robs you of your ability to be intimate with your partner. Sure, you may have sex. You might even have a lot of sex. But sex doesn’t necessarily equate to intimacy. Watching hours and hours of porn caters to your most primal desires and strips away all intimacy, one of the most important aspects of human relationships.
Although it’s natural to want to sleep with many different women, you’ve decided to commit to the woman you’re in a relationship with. Millions of men over the years have found a way to be in committed relationships and remain monogamous which means you can do the same.
Feeling attraction for other women isn’t a reason to act out on your compulsive behavior. It’s not ran excuse to continue watching porn. You can’t justify the detrimental effects that your behavior has by saying it keeps you from stepping out on the relationship. There are plenty of more fulfilling ways to live your life that don’t involve cheating on your partner.
If this is something you’re actively struggling with, I invite you to join us in the FREE Porn Reboot Facebook group. There are tons of men in there who understand exactly what you’re going through and can likely share a story or two about their own experience. You’re anything but alone in this experience, brother. All you have to do is reach out for help.
I’ve got another great question from a brother in our implementation program to share with you today. He says:
“Hi, J.K. I recently started casually dating again. There’s a girl I’ve been seeing once a month for about four months now. We’ve been physically intimate up to third base. On our last date, I made a move to go further, but she was visibly exhausted, said she wasn’t in the mood, and wanted to go home.
“I felt mentally flustered because I had fantasized about what would happen but it played out differently in reality. I noticed that I’ve been emotionally overinvested and needy of her time and companionship. I know it’s normal to care about someone you’re intimate with, but sometimes it becomes overbearing.
“She’s also the only girl I’ve been intimate with so far but I’m working on meeting new women. I’m sure that has something to do with my attachment to her, too. How can I detach myself emotionally from these experiences?”
There are three traits that I know will help this brother with his struggles. If this is something you’re dealing with, too, adopting these three skills will make your dating experience smoother.
Outcome Independence
There is something called “outcome independence” that I believe is a very necessary skill. It’s important not only in your dating life but in every area of your life. It simply means that you aren’t overly invested in how any given situation turns out. Outcome independence is based on a stoic mindset but applies to everyone whether they adhere to stoicism or not.
On the other hand, outcome dependence means your entire emotional state depends on a very specific outcome that you expect to play out. This mindset is detrimental to your reboot because allowing your emotions to hinge on situations outside your control puts you at a greater risk of relapse.
In terms of dating, outcome independence looks like not caring whether you and the girl you’re dating have sex when she comes over. If she wants to, great. If she changes her mind and isn’t in the mood, it doesn’t make a difference to you.
This applies in marriages, too. Intimacy tends to slow down after spending a few years with your wife. Many men get upset when the sex becomes more infrequent and become frustrated or angry over it. When you’re outcome-independent, though, you choose to continue living your life despite your sex life with your wife. She’s much more likely to be interested in an independent man who continues living without groveling for her affection.
Abundance Mindset
This brother also mentioned that the girl is the only one he’s seeing at the moment. Brothers who are casually dating but only seeing one woman at a time tend to fall into the scarcity mindset trap. They view the girl they’re dating as their one and only option which increases their dependence on her. Your mindset heavily influences your attachment to her.
You need to also develop an abundance mindset in addition to outcome independence. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to have sex with a ton of women. However, you should probably talk with multiple women at a time who are open to being intimate with you. It is easier to see that this particular girl isn’t the only option you have.
Talking with multiple women also gives you a chance to reach out to someone else if the girl in question isn’t in the mood to be intimate. You know you have another girl or two who may be interested instead. Having an abundance mindset relieves those feelings of dependence and neediness that are common for men dating only one woman.
Define Casual Dating
The third thing you need to do is determine what casual dating means to you. Casual dating doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. It seems like it’s a set state but different people have different ideas of what casual dating consists of.
Are you primarily interested in casual dating or just in casual sex? How often do you want to see her? What should your time together consist of? Get clear on what casual dating means to you and be upfront about what you want from it. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself feeling resentful and frustrated when your expectations aren’t met.
Don’t Neglect Other Areas of Your Life
When you start dating, don’t cut back on other parts of your life. You need to maintain your existing hobbies and activities while finding spare time to spend with any women you choose to date. If you neglect these other areas and pour yourself completely into dating, you won’t have anything else to fall back on if a date doesn’t work out.
You need to maintain what works for you, such as a gym routine, time with your buddies, and your independent hobbies while you’re dating. No woman should take over your life completely; you still need things that interest you apart from her.
Reach Out For Support
Leaning on your brothers in the porn addiction recovery reboot program for support is crucial when you first start dating. There are hundreds of men who understand what you’re going through and likely have suggestions to handle situations as they arise.
The more men you have around to support you, the easier it will be to avoid those feelings of neediness. Every man in the Free Porn Reboot group has their own porn addiction problems and knows what it’s like to lean too heavily on a woman at the beginning. Through sharing your experience and hearing the experiences of others, you’ll learn that there’s no reason to feel too needy.
Everything you do in the Porn Reboot system exists to bring you closer to awareness. Whether it’s morning reboot time, building an exercise routine, practicing meditation, or checking in with an accountability partner, all of it is aimed at helping you develop awareness.
Awareness is one of my favorite topics to discuss. It’s a crucial tool for every person but it’s especially necessary for men recovering from out-of-control behavior with porn addiction problems, sex, and masturbation. Men who struggle with these behaviors are not incapable of controlling them; they’re simply unaware of how much control they truly have.
You’re unaware of the things that motivate you, the pain you experience, the source of your stress, and the impact of your limiting beliefs. You have every faculty necessary to recognize them but you’re not aware of how to access them. Teaching you to develop that awareness is the main part of what the Porn Reboot system does.
What is Awareness?
Awareness is the knowledge or understanding that something is happening. Self-awareness includes the ability to think about your thoughts, emotions, or feelings; to determine whether your behaviors align with your standards; to recognize why you take some actions and avoid others.
There are two main types of awareness. Public self-awareness involves understanding and focusing on how you appear to others. Private self-awareness refers to reflecting on your internal states. Both of these forms of awareness are crucial for being successful in eliminating your Porn Addiction Problems.
Why is Awareness Important?
Developing self-awareness is important because it gives you insight into your beliefs and values so you can determine whether your choices and habits are aligned with them. This knowledge empowers you to see where changes need to be made and to make informed choices. It gives you a direction to go so you can make progress and be successful.
The Benefits of Self-Awareness
Self-awareness involves so many positive benefits that it’s hard to think of reasons why you shouldn’t pursue it. Developing self-awareness not only keeps you in the present moment but it bolsters your emotional intelligence. It deepens your sense of empathy. It improves your listening skills and removes you from your head.
Self-awareness not only improves your internal awareness, though; it brings you outside of yourself, too. Cultivating self-awareness brings to your attention just how much time you spend in your head. It helps you see how removed you’ve been from the world you live in.
One of the greatest benefits of self-awareness is the sense of confidence you develop. You derive self-confidence from gaining a more thorough understanding of yourself. You move through the world with your head held high because you have more clarity and positive intent. Your communication skills improve, too, which only increases your self-confidence.
How Do You Develop Self-Awareness?
Journaling is one of the most effective and quickest ways to become more self-aware. Write down your thoughts, emotions, and plans. Work through your mental stumbling blocks on paper. Once you start writing things down, you can track your progress over time to see what works and what doesn’t.
Meditation is another practice that helps you develop self-awareness. It doesn’t have to be as difficult as you may think, either. Too many people have false ideas of what meditation means. Sure, sitting on a cushion and remaining silent for hours of reflection is meditation. But you can also meditate while lying in bed, while sitting on your couch, or even while on your daily commute.
Meditation means developing mindfulness of your surroundings. It means bringing yourself into the moment so you can fully experience what is happening around you and identify how you respond to these things.
Here is an easy introduction practice to meditation. Start by closing your eyes right now and think of three things happening around you or within you. For example, focus on how your feet feel on the ground or your back on the chair. Pay attention to the sensations in your hands or on your face. Identify thoughts that cross your mind. Listen to the sounds in your environment.
Pull three of these things to the front of your mind and focus on them. Recognize the responses you have to them. Don’t attach yourself to them, simply observe. Once you can hold three things at a time, add three more. Begin opening your awareness a bit at a time. Then bring more things into your consciousness as you progress.
Another important way to develop self-awareness is to reach out for help and support. Surround yourself with brothers in the Porn Reboot program who understand what you’re going through. Ask for guidance when you find yourself stuck. Seek out the experiences of other men who have been where you are now.
One of the best places to find this is in the Free Porn Reboot Facebook group. It’s filled with men at various stages of their reboot who know what you’re going through and are working through the same struggles. You never have to deal with your out-of-control behavior alone again; we’re here to help.
I’ve got another question from a brother in our group today. He says:
“Hey brothers, I have to stay accountable and report to you. I’ve had multiple slips over the past two days, twice yesterday and once today. It started when I was tired from the gym and came home to no one else in the house. I now recognize that isolation and tiredness were two major vulnerabilities.
“I looked at some images first but it quickly progressed into watching pornography. Then this morning I laid around in bed for a while and ended up looking at images on my phone again. It didn’t take long for me to open up a few tabs of porn again.
“This has happened so many times, easily hundreds. It has left me feeling off and scared, scared that I’m not going to be successful and that I’ll spend the rest of my life a complete mess. I know it’s down to me to change it but what if I don’t have it in me?”
I always appreciate it when a brother comes to us and shares where he is at. Growth only comes when we’re willing to ask for help. I know that at face value this might sound like a great share. It seems like it’s full of authenticity and accountability. However, there are some things in here to be wary of.
First, he ends his post by saying he feels off and scared because it’s something that’s happened “hundreds” of times. He feels his life is a “complete mess.” These statements are full of heavily charged emotions.
He also explains he had multiple slips within 24 hours. Here’s the thing, though. If you slip up repeatedly in a day then you’re now in a relapse, not just a slip. He should just say that he relapsed and leave it at that. A relapse isn’t much worse than a slip; you still get the same result.
Second, he did a great job of identifying his mistakes but he did nothing to change the situation. It’s great to recognize where you’re going wrong but recognition does nothing if you don’t take action to change it. Recognition is the first step but action is where the true change occurs. He needs to take this awareness going forward and apply action next time temptation arises.
Third, there are quite a few issues he could have addressed to keep himself less vulnerable. He mentions feeling tired which arises from a problem with self-care. He also says he was looking at his phone which could have been avoided if he kept his phone out of his room. And he also said he came home to an empty house so he could have reached out to someone because he knew he was in a risky place.
All of these things are valid porn addiction problems during your early reboot. If you don’t have much experience applying the reboot system to your life, they’re likely to arise at some point. The system outlines clear actions to take which can help you avoid these things but many of them are inevitable in the beginning.
Learning from other brothers in the group is a great way to recognize areas where you may eventually fall short or need some help. Take his view of his life as a complete mess, for example. How many times have you thought the same thing? How often have you felt like you’re never going to control your behavior?
Most of these experiences are common for all of us. They’re things we struggle with at various points during our reboot. But they don’t have to be things that take us down for the long run. Every man who arrives with porn addiction problems at the Porn Reboot program has a chance to change his life. None of us are hopeless or beyond recall. We all have the opportunity to become better men.
These emotionally-charged statements will hold you back from recognizing your ability to change, though. If you cannot take control of your emotions you’ll find they will drive your decisions over and over again. The sooner you learn to control your emotions the better. And implementing the Pornography Addiction Counseling which is the Porn Reboot into your life is the best place to start.
I’ve had countless brothers in the group who insist on counting days.
Anyone who has been around the Porn Reboot program for a while knows how I feel about counting days. Still, some men hold onto their streaks as though they’re a helpful or meaningful approach to overcoming out-of-control behavior.
After nearly 15 years of working with men trying to end their behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation, though, I know this tactic doesn’t work. Counting days only builds expectations and apathy. Expectations for what your life “should” look like after a certain point and apathy when that time arrives and it doesn’t look that way at all. Counting days is an arbitrary marker that offers no meaningful insight into progress.
Consider a couple that has been married for 40 years. Sure, from the outside looking in it may seem like they have all the answers. After all, they’ve stayed together this long, right? But what if their marriage isn’t a happy one? They may have amassed a few decades alongside one another but that doesn’t mean their marriage is successful.
Or take a man with a 20-year career making six figures per year. You would assume that after all this time he has an incredible savings account, a hefty investment portfolio, and can retire comfortably. However, if he’s done nothing to be intentional with his money, he’ll be far worse off than you might think. Many men with decades of six-figure incomes have nothing to show for them.
The same applies to counting porn-free days. You can collect days, weeks, months, or years, but they’re worthless if you do nothing to better yourself. There’s a reason the Porn Reboot system is more intensive than other approaches; we provide you with a path to a fulfilling life.
You’ll gain nothing from quitting porn without taking any steps to better yourself in other areas. Quitting porn does not automatically bolster your social life, broaden your career opportunities, or strengthen your relationships. All it does is provide you with more free time that was once occupied by countless tabs and endless videos.
What will you do with all of that time?
Defeating apathy while quitting porn requires intention. You can’t stop porn addiction problems and expect your life to get better without putting in any work. Counting days does nothing to bring about change. You have to put in the work to shift your perspective and build the life you want to live.
This intentional approach is one of the first steps to overcoming the sense of apathy that settles in after you quit porn. And it doesn’t happen immediately. You can’t expect to join the Porn Reboot program and notice a difference by next Wednesday. You have to commit to the process and trust that you’ll find freedom, much like other men who have come before you.
It may seem impossible to escape your sense of apathy but I promise there’s a solution. It might take time to relinquish your old thought patterns and embrace this new way of thinking, but the time it takes will be worth it. You’ll be shocked at what you can accomplish in only a few short months of intentional practice. And if you’re going to quit porn anyways, why not do it in a way that offers the most promising outcome?
Today I want to write directly to my peak performers, the highly ambitious men who look for every way possible to accomplish their goals. I received a question from a brother in the group who has an important thing I know a lot of you struggle with. He said,
“J.K, a few months ago you mentioned conditioning your brain to achieve the maximum amount of REM sleep on around four hours of sleep per night. I want to achieve a similar sleep cycle at some point in my life, too. You brought it up in an old podcast episode. How did you achieve this? Does age play a role in your ability to do it? Do you have any resources you recommend?”
Fantastic question. Many of us high performers want to know what we can do to maximize our results on a minimal amount of sleep. Before getting to the answer, though, I want to ask you what your purpose is for cutting down those hours. Why do you want to get so little sleep? Is your schedule so tight that you truly need to sacrifice your rest? Or are you using it to compensate for another area where you’re slacking off?
Why do you want to cut back on sleep?
Sleep is one of the most important aspects of your overall health. An endless sea of research proves this to us, brother. It impacts your physical, mental, social, and emotional well-being. Not getting enough sleep leads to poor work performance, limited focus, decreased emotional resilience, and more. It should never be the first thing on the chopping block, especially for men early in their reboot who are still susceptible to emotional dysregulation.
I suggest you start by looking for areas where you can trim the fat during your waking hours instead. I guarantee you can find at least a few ways you’re wasting time throughout the day. Even though I suggest cutting most extraneous media from your life, I see many brothers still use social media or watch TV when they complete their tasks for the day. Do you scroll a little too far through Instagram or Twitter, or watch an extra episode of television here and there?
Maybe you’re not as efficient as you could be with your work or at the gym. Be honest with yourself. Neglecting sleep because you can’t control yourself during the day is not a good enough reason to try sleeping four hours per night. Step up and be responsible enough to limit your distractions and that should leave you with more time for sleep at night.
If you’re still determined to sleep four hours a night, I also want you to consider what you’re doing with that extra time. Are you squandering it by spreading yourself thin between too many different activities? When I trained myself to get good rest on four hours of sleep, I did it because I was laser-focused on a single task. I had a project I was passionate about at the time. It consumed so much of my focus and I wanted to spend all my waking hours working on it. I used my extra time to dive deeper into this one particular project.
Too often I see men who want to limit their sleep so they can divide their passion between their work, a writing project, a side hustle, a hobby, and time with their family. But by trying to funnel their energy into so many different areas, they ended up wasting that extra time they got when cutting back on rest instead of making good use of it. It wasn’t worth all of the negative effects that so little sleep had on them.
Types of men who can successfully cut back on sleep
I’m not trying to say that it’s impossible, brother. As our brother mentioned when he asked his question, I’ve done it successfully myself multiple times over the years. But it isn’t a beneficial practice for everyone and it’s not the best long-term solution, either. There are certain types of people who can function optimally on only a few hours of sleep. These include:
People with a specific genetic disposition
People in certain professions (e.g., military or first responders)
People who want to focus on one particular area
People with some mental illnesses
Specific genetic dispositions
Through my research, I’ve found that some people have a genetic predisposition to functioning well on little sleep. I like to refer to it as the “short sleep” gene. It’s called the D.C. 2 mutation and it allows people who have it to feel very well rested to four hours of sleep. They feel as fine as others do with the 8 or 9 hours we’re all supposed to get. It has no negative effects on their heart, organs, or mental performance, either.
There’s also another naturally-occurring genetic predisposition called the A.D.R.B. 1 gene that has similar effects. A few examples of some people who may have the short sleep gene include Donald Trump and Martha Stuart. Both have a lifelong history of short sleep from an early age yet still have tremendous success in their lives.
Certain professions
People in certain professions, such as military soldiers, first responders, or surgeons, also learn to function optimally on limited or interrupted sleep. They train themselves to sleep less over the years because it’s necessary for success in their career. Their lives are on the line without finely tuning the need for fewer hours of sleep.
This is especially true of units like the Navy Seals or the Army Green Berets who are on missions that affect their lives and the lives of others. They train professionally through the U.S. military, a highly effective organization with hundreds of years of experience implementing this practice. Look up Jocko Willick and David Goggins, two great examples of men who learned to function optimally on little sleep.
Precise, determined focus
The third type of people who can function well on less sleep is those who want to get more done. They aren’t mindlessly filling their time with more things, though; they stay up because of a precise, determined focus on one thing. There is one thing they want to accomplish that is worth losing sleep over. They have one big goal they’re focused on that enables them to maintain an obsessive level of self-belief, self-discipline, and intense drive despite losing sleep.
I’m not talking about the guys who use their limited number of sleep hours as a marketing tool. I know you have at least one or two people who come to mind that constantly try to prove what hard workers they are by bragging about their lack of sleep. These men are not included in this section; it’s not a badge of honor to sacrifice sleep. It’s only useful when you’re truly disciplined and focused in your areas of expertise, like Tony Robbins or Cameron Haynes, a practiced bow hunter and ultra-marathon runner.
Mental illness
People with some types of mental illness are another example of getting by on limited hours of sleep. I don’t want to dive too deeply into this area because it’s not directly related to our brother’s question, but it’s worth mentioning. So get porn addiction recovery program
People with bipolar disorder tend to have difficulties with sleeping brought about by their mental illness. During their manic or hypomanic episodes, they are often unusually productive while sleeping only three or four hours at a time. However, they struggle when their mood shifts to depressive episodes, and oftentimes they backtrack on the progress they made in their manic state.
Is sacrificing sleep worth it for you?
Still, getting limited sleep for long periods is detrimental to your health for most normal individuals. Research shows that poor sleep leads to lasting health effects that impact you long after you return to a normal sleep schedule. People who train themselves specifically for the practice may still experience some delayed health effects; only time will tell there.
The brother who asked the question mentioned he wants to do more things, including gardening, working out, spending time with his family, working on some writing projects, and a few other personal projects. He would fall into the third category, same as me, save for one crucial detail: he doesn’t have an unwavering focus on a single area. He’s trying to do too many things at once. Unless he chooses to eliminate all but one of those things, his lack of sleep will likely only be a detriment to his performance.
Men often operate on the illusion of balance. They believe that they’ll always be able to have a balanced life. I think that’s what drives my high performers to want to get by on limited sleep. But here’s the thing, brother: balance is an illusion. You’ll never achieve a perfectly-balanced life.
Instead, there are different seasons for different things. There is a season for building your life back up, such as improving your social skills and developing your physique. There is a season for dating or for strengthening your existing relationship. There is a season for building wealth, a season for advancing your career, and a season for launching your side hustle.
None of this happens without a system, though. You need a proven path to achieve your goals, or to even establish them in the first place. You’ve spent months, years, or decades aimlessly spinning around trying to latch onto whatever shiny object passes your way. And if you’re still doing that, you’re going to struggle when trying to cut back on your sleep.
If you’re a regular guy with a regular life, even if you’re one of my highest performers, I want you to think for a while and be rigorously honest with yourself before deciding to limit your rest. What are you doing it for and are there other ways to find more time in your day? If you can’t provide good answers for either question, it might not be time for you to sacrifice sleep just yet. Continue with your reboot process and reconsider the option later down the line instead.
Most men who are working to overcome pornography addiction and out-of-control sexual behavior are unaware of the role of emotional needs.
They don’t understand that these are the baseline of all successful relationships; they’re too preoccupied with using porn, masturbation, and sex to distract from their negative emotions.
However, emotional needs are an integral part of every romantic relationship, whether you realize it or not. If you want a fulfilling relationship, you must make sure both your and your partner’s emotional needs are met. Problems arise when these needs are neglected because it leaves both parties feeling like the other isn’t interested in or appreciative of them.
You might meet someone who would be a great fit for you in a relationship, but because you’re so caught up in your out-of-control behavior, you’re not going to meet her emotional needs. You’ll miss the opportunity because you lack emotional intelligence when you’re active in your behaviors.
As you start rebooting, though, it’s time to learn about emotional needs. Understanding the roles these needs play and the way they interact is vital if you want to have a successful relationship.
Three Main Emotional Needs
There are three main emotional needs when it comes to dating: connection, status, and security. Every person values these three needs to varying degrees. It’s important to understand what each need consists of and how important each is to you and your potential partner.
Connection refers to the need to feel understood and appreciated, to share values, and to share experiences. Status refers to the need to feel important, superior, or even challenged.
Finally, security refers to the need to feel safe and secure within a trusting relationship.
A person’s willingness to become intimate with someone depends on their needs, how these needs are prioritized, and how the other individual fulfills those needs. For example, if a woman prioritizes security, you must find ways to make sure she feels the relationship is solid.
Keeping Emotional Needs Balanced
Though everyone has emotional needs, it’s also important to keep these needs in check. These needs can either be healthy or unhealthy depending on how well a person maintains a balance with them. It’s easy for needs to expand beyond a reasonable point and become something toxic. Sometimes unchecked emotional needs can cause as many problems as unmet emotional needs.
The need for connection can progress to the point of neglecting spending time with friends or having quality alone time. The need for security can evolve into extreme jealousy or possessiveness. The need for status can reach a point where the person becomes egocentric or self-absorbed.
Unchecked emotional needs are no longer about building a strong relationship. They’re superficial ways to soothe unhealed inner wounds. Left unchecked, these surface-level demands lead to depression and loneliness, not fulfillment and contentment. And when you struggle with porn addiction or compulsive sexual behavior, it’ll only drive you deeper into that.
Needs Change Over Time
Another thing to understand is the way that emotional needs change over time. Things that were important to you in your 20s don’t seem as pressing in your 40s. Priorities in your 50s were the furthest thing from your mind in your 30s.
Major life events like getting married or having kids can also alter your emotional needs. They shift your understanding of what’s important in life and create a change in the way you prioritize each need.
If you’ve been with the same person for a long time, both of your needs will shift as time goes on. It’s good to know what those changes are so you can communicate them with your partner and continue building a relationship that withstands the test of time.
If you’re single, it’s still good to know when your needs change. Recognizing the emotional needs you bring to the table helps you build more solid relationships from the beginning. But how do you know which needs have the highest priority in your life?
Recognizing Your Needs
As you learn to control your behavior with pornography, you’ll start to recognize your emotional needs. Acknowledging the needs that motivate you is an important part of your reboot. But you won’t develop sudden clarity on the things that are important to you; it takes some work to decipher how you prioritize your emotional needs.
I’ve got a quick assignment for you today. I want you to write out how you prioritize your emotional needs in life right now. If you’re in a relationship, look at that relationship and figure out which needs are important in it. If you’re single and looking for a relationship, find out which needs are important for your potential partner to meet. If you’re single and not looking for a relationship, analyze your past relationships and look for patterns in your needs.
Once you’re finished writing, I want you to share your findings with the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot Facebook group. There are hundreds of guys, some in the Porn Reboot intensive and some who stick with the free group, who share their findings from the assignments. I think it’s an important way to connect with other men and to follow through on actions in your reboot.
If you aren’t part of the free Facebook group yet, you can join us here. It’s a private group so none of your friends or family will know you joined. It’s a great way to stay accountable, to find support, and to get you through any lulls you may experience. Come join us today and let us know where you’re at in the ways you prioritize emotional needs in your relationships!
