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“How long can you last in bed?”

It’s a phrase that’s often joked about, boasted about, and of course lied about among men. We laugh about the “three-pump wonder.” Men who can’t last very long are often shamed and ridiculed by both men and women. And if it’s a problem you deal with, you’ve probably internalized a lot of these feelings.

You’re also far from being the only one who struggles with it. Many men in the early stages of their reboot have difficulties with porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) and lasting in bed. So today, I want to clear up some of the misinformation and misconceptions surrounding premature ejaculation. 

See, most of the time brothers who struggle with PIED receive the same tired advice from professionals. The issue being that most of these professionals still have a difficult time understanding or even accepting the science behind pornography addiction. They don’t have much experience with the reality of the issue.

You’ve probably had these professionals ask you, “Why don’t you just stop watching porn and cut back on the number of times you masturbate?” If it were that simple and straightforward you would have stopped a long time ago. You wouldn’t be where you’re at today.

Your PIED stems from your troubles with getting in the right mental place you need to maintain an erection and have sex. That’s the real problem you’re dealing with here. I’m going to give you 10 facts about lasting longer in bed that should help you start working on the issue.

1. Men who struggle with out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation need to address their insecurities.

This isn’t the easiest thing to accept about yourself but it’s true. It was true for me, too. Men who have out-of-control behavior with pornography are insecure. And if you want to fix your problem with PIED or premature ejaculation, you need to accept the fact that it stems from insecurity.

2. You need to get realistic about your sexual performance.

Men who struggle with pornography addiction tend to hold themselves to unrealistic expectations. According to the Journal of Scientific Medicine, a woman’s orgasm is dependent upon how long penetration lasts. At the same time, it also reveals that foreplay lasts an average of 18 minutes and sex lasts an average of 16. So it’s safe to say that expecting yourself to last an hour is unrealistic. 15 minutes is far more realistic which should help reduce your anxiety.

3. Foreplay begins before you even get naked.

Foreplay is part of the sexual experience. Again, the Journal of Scientific Medicine says that foreplay is about 18 minutes on average. If you want to increase the chance that the woman you’re with has an orgasm, you need to realize that foreplay starts before you get naked. It not only increases pleasure but also buys you time and gives you a chance to get yourself going.

4. Switch up positions.

Switching up positions can actually help you last longer. You don’t need to pump away in the same position for the entire time. Realistically, you’ll probably keep yourself from lasting longer by doing this. What you want to do is switch up positions a few times during that 15 minutes of intercourse. Right before you’re about to climax, switch positions to help you hold out longer.

5. Get your testosterone levels checked.

Getting your testosterone levels checked is crucial if you’re having a difficult time with your performance in bed. Oftentimes I find that a man who struggles with porn-induced erectile dysfunction also has low testosterone levels. If your levels are low, you’re going to have an even harder time performing for more than a few minutes at a time.

6. Practice Kegels.

I’m not kidding. Most people believe that Kegels are only for women but they’re for men, too. If you’re struggling with lasting in bed you need to start practicing Kegels. They balance out your pelvic floor muscles which you’ve made unbalanced after years of compulsive porn use and masturbation.

7. Use a thicker condom.

Again, not kidding. You might protest because it’s going to make everything feel less sensitive but trust me on this. The increased sensitivity of thinner condoms is likely too much for you to handle at the beginning. Decreasing sensitivity with a thicker condom is going to help you last longer until you’re able to better handle it on your own.

8. She doesn’t have to orgasm every time.

Some people would have you believe that a woman needs to come every single time you have sex. While certain people hold to this idea, it’s not the reality. Her not having an orgasm doesn’t mean the sex was bad. In reality, the more you focus on it, the more it’s going to stress both of you out and the less likely it is to happen. Truth is, most women aren’t going to orgasm every time you have sex. 

9. Focusing only on her orgasm is probably going to ruin your relationship.

If you only focus on getting her to have an orgasm, you’ll probably start taking it personally at some point. Once you start taking it personally, it’s going to affect your behavior around her. You’ll start feeling more insecure, you’re likely to take it out on her, and it’s going to wreck the relationship you have.

10. Most women don’t think lasting long is as big of a deal as people make it.

Society has turned lasting long into a big joke, but the truth is lots of men struggle with this. You’re far from alone if you’re experiencing porn-induced erectile dysfunction. Truth is, the woman you’re with has been with men before you who dealt with it, too. She probably doesn’t think it’s as big of a deal as you do. 

Focus on what you can do using the tips above and you’re going to work through it in time!

Today’s topic comes from a question one of our brothers posed in the Porn Reboot group.

It’s a potentially taboo topic but I’m thankful he brought it up because it’s a common thing men observe when starting their reboots. He asked:

“I’ve seen how the interracial genre pornography has affected me growing up and objectifying all women, but particularly white women, South American women, and Asian women. It’s confusing to me because I’m in an interracial relationship and I don’t want to believe that my porn use has influenced it. 

“How can I come to terms with this? Are there deeper reasons why I have preferred to watch a black man performing over another race? Or is it simply because I could relate to being a black man myself?”

I’m glad this brother brought up his concerns about how his viewing interracial pornography might have influenced his real-life preferences. And based on the responses he received, he’s not alone in his experience. There are a few points I want to bring up and ways I’m going to address his question.

Experiences Shape Your Preferences

First, your preference for a particular race is influenced by multiple things. Sure, pornography probably plays at least some role but it’s far from the only factor. Your preferences are influenced by your culture and the environment you grew up in. They’re influenced by popular culture like the media, social media, TV, and movies. Sometimes even your religion plays a part.

If you grew up in an area surrounded by people who are the same race as you, you’re likely to end up with someone who looks like you. Statistically and generally speaking, human beings evolved to be attracted to people who look similar to them. This environmental factor is a significant contributor to your preferences.

At the same time, the rise of popular culture over the last few decades has shaped preferences, too. You’re impacted by the movies you watch, the music you listen to, and the media you consume. For example, if you’re a white man who grew watching B.E.T., you might end up preferring Black or Latina women.

Movies and television play a real role in the development of your arousal template. Many of us look at the women we’re with right now and can trace some of her features back to a TV show or movie we grew up watching. The particular women they portrayed likely programmed your arousal template and influenced your specific preferences.

Pornography’s Role in Preferences

Though the movies and TV you watch shape your preferences, there’s a difference between these influences and pornography. Porn is an entirely different beast. Movies involve emotion and intimacy when portraying the women you see on screen. They shoot the scene in a way that highlights the woman’s femininity, or even her sexuality, but still within reason.

Pornography is not about intimacy or emotion at all. There are the flimsy storylines that everyone jokes about, but it’s really about sex and that’s it. When you struggle with pornography addiction, it’s flooding your senses with these over-the-top performances of sexuality and heavily influencing what you look for in real life.

Our brother is rightfully concerned about the role porn has played in his preferences for women. Pornography involves extensive objectification. Then, interracial porn adds the detrimental components of stereotyping and racism. This genre influences the way men look at and fantasize about different races.

Men like us who deal with pornography addiction then bring our porn preferences into our real lives. Men who aren’t prejudiced or racist in their everyday lives find themselves acting out their fantasies when it comes to sex. This creates a lot of guilt and shame and explains exactly what our brother is worried about in his relationship. 

Preferences Aren’t Always Wrong

There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to particular types of people. Nobody has a say in how your arousal template develops. Again, your sexual arousal preferences are shaped by a mix of environment, culture, and media. The issue isn’t with your preferences but with how you express them.

Problems arise for men who haven’t overcome their porn addiction. If you’re still trapped by stereotypical, racist fantasies portrayed in pornography, you’re going to have a skewed perception of your preferences. You’re likely looking for women with whom you can express these negative fantasies rather than a partner with whom you can form a trusting relationship.

Through the responses he received, our brother realized there’s nothing wrong with his interracial relationship. Even if the porn he used to watch played a role, it’s not the deciding factor for why he’s with his partner today. They have a strong connection and loving relationship that’s built on shared interests and direction in life.

If he were treating his partner poorly based on the harmful fantasies portrayed in interracial pornography, it would be a problem. Since he’s overcome his compulsive behavior and pornography addiction, though, his relationship doesn’t stem from that place. His relationship with his girlfriend is a healthy, normal partnership.

Interracial porn may have influenced you at some point but once you overcome your addiction you’ll learn what your true preferences are. As you progress through your reboot, you’ll notice that your preferences may change, too. When your focus shifts from strictly physical to one that is based on intimacy, you develop a better understanding of your true preferences.

Eventually, your focus becomes finding a partner who shares your interests, passions, and values. You shift from caring only about sex to finding someone you can build an intimate connection with. This might sound impossible now but once you control your out-of-control behavior, you’ll find that a healthy relationship with a compatible partner awaits you, too!

A brother in the Porn Reboot group posed an important question the other day:

“What do I do when I lose one of my coping strategies?”

This particular man was referring to going to the gym. He has a potential surgery coming up with a recovery period that could keep him from working out for 2 to 3 months. His reboot relies heavily on his getting exercise so he wanted to know how to deal with the loss of this coping strategy.

I know he’s not alone in that experience. Working out plays a critical role in a lot of our reboots. I have a regimen I have in the gym that’s crucial for my reboot, too. No matter how crucial a role each strategy plays, though, it can’t be the only strategy you have. 

An effective approach to rebooting involves multiple strategies and tactics that make up your reboot system. You never know when something will come up that might take one of your coping strategies away.

Successful rebooters are always willing to adapt to changes in life. You must have another skill lined up to replace the old one if you don’t want to slip back into your old behaviors. If you’re not willing to challenge your beliefs and find alternatives, you’re inevitably going to relapse. And that relapse is going to be 100% your responsibility.

It’s not your inability to go to the gym. It’s not your busy schedule or your partner or your family. Your ability to end your behavior is always going to be at risk if you make some specific external activity a requirement. You have to take responsibility for your reboot and be ready to adapt to whatever life throws at you if you plan to be successful in the long run.

The ultimate goal of any reboot strategy is rewiring your brain. You’re implementing all of these different strategies that add up and create behavioral changes over time. The external activities aren’t the end goal in and of themselves: they are merely tools that make the rewiring possible.

The gym has been a big struggle for most men in the program with the sporadic closures over this last year. Yet there are still plenty of us who haven’t experienced a slip or a relapse as a result. Everyone who managed to make it through without relapsing learned how to adapt to the situation at hand and make use of what they have available.

Developing a sense of gratitude is going to help you if you find you’ve lost a coping strategy. There is always something to be grateful for even in the midst of some of the darkest situations you can imagine. It might sound cliché to recommend that you count your blessings but it’s a good thing to keep in mind when you need to adjust course.

Another great way to cope with losing a strategy is to reframe your outlook on it. Instead of feeling like you’re getting the short end of the stick for not being able to go to the gym, look at it differently. Open yourself up to new possibilities and experiences. Consider how much time you’re freeing up with this lost coping strategy and direct it into a new avenue.

The loss of a coping strategy might mean you gain something new you never imagined yourself doing. You never know what might come from trying new things. It reminds me of something I wrote in one of my old journals at the very beginning of my reboot:

“Sometimes I think there’s a big stone stuck in my shoe. Like when I go to the beach and it feels like I’ve got an annoying rock trapped underneath my foot. I’ll try to ignore it for some time but eventually, I can’t take it anymore. When I finally take my shoe off and shake it out, though, I realize it’s only a tiny grain of sand.

“These things I make a massive deal out of are sometimes not as big of a deal as I think they are. Situations aren’t always going to go the way I think they should but sometimes I find that it’s not as terrible as I imagined it would be. There’s always a way to stop, adjust course, and keep moving forward.”

You can have the same experience, brother. No matter what happens, whatever coping strategy you might have lost, you can keep moving forward and remain successful in your reboot, too.

I was traveling a few years ago and had a layover in Houston.

I had about 20 minutes to board my connecting flight that was on the other side of the airport. Now, if you’re not familiar with the George Bush Intercontinental Airport, it’s huge. I rushed off my first flight and caught the SkyTrain and made it on right as the glass doors closed. 

Phew.

I could breathe. I’d be on the other side of the airport in no time. I pulled out my phone to respond to a few client text messages and catch up on some emails.Ten minutes later, the automated voice announced we had arrived at the final terminal, but we still hadn’t passed the terminal I needed to be at.

Dammit.

I was on the right train that was supposed to take me to the terminal I needed to be at but I boarded it going in the opposite direction. Instead of checking to make sure I was on the right train, I relied on my assumptions.

Here’s the thing. I was really upset at the moment because I missed my flight, but looking back on it now I’ve realized a few things. First, the train truly accomplished its goal. It arrived on time at every scheduled stop. Second, I was still on time to catch my flight if I had only headed in the right direction. Third, I handled a lot of important matters in the process but the result was still negative.

It got me thinking about how this applies to pursuing your goals. I see guys who are making amazing progress, often in the right vehicle, but they’re headed in the wrong direction or to the wrong destination. Just like I was on that SkyTrain in Houston. I took care of some business texts and emails while set to arrive on time, but I still ended up in the wrong place.

How often does that happen to you? Probably at least once recently. If you’re not paying close attention it’s easy to get in a groove of productivity but not notice the overall direction you’re headed in. There are three lessons you can take away from this example and apply to your reboot.

1. You are always heading somewhere in every area of your life

Whether you realize it or not, you’re always headed in one direction or another in all aspects of life. 

In your relationship, you’re either headed toward greater intimacy, better sexual satisfaction, growth, and self-realization, or you’re headed toward loneliness and emotional pain. In terms of your fitness, you’re moving in the direction of improved physical function, better strength, mobility, flexibility, and breathing, or you’re moving in the direction of weakness, injury, low mental function, and disease.

It might seem like a drastic all-or-nothing way of looking at things but it’s true. Every choice you make pushes you in one direction or another. Now, you’re not going to be able to head in one direction all the time in every situation every single day. But on average you’re heading one way or the other based on the choices you make most of the time.

Is the direction you’re heading in the place you want to end up at? If it isn’t then you need to make some changes right now at this moment because you have the opportunity to make a shift.

2. Your direction shouldn’t contradict your intention

In the story I told above, my intention was making my connecting flight. It was a pure, good intention but it didn’t matter since I was headed in the wrong direction. The direction I went completely contradicted my intention.

There are plenty of situations where direction contradicts intention. For example, let’s focus on finding freedom from your compulsive behavior. Your intention is to end your behavior with pornography and masturbation so you invest in a course, work with a therapist, and get involved with a 12-step group. 

You work hard at your new commitments but you don’t take much of a break and neglect your self-care. Not long after you find yourself overcommitted, stressed out, and overwhelmed with all the things on your plate. Eventually, that leads you to medicate your stress with porn and masturbation and you’re right back where you started.

You had the best intentions with everything you signed up to do but you were ultimately heading in the wrong direction. When you’re pursuing your goals you have to make sure that you’re taking the right actions that will get you to where you want to be.

3. Your direction should always come before action

We always talk about the importance of action but the direction is what’s most important. It doesn’t matter how much action you take if you’re heading in the wrong direction. Think about it. I took action. I got on the SkyTrain, contacted a few clients, and the vehicle moved right along. But because I didn’t prioritize the direction, and even though some of the actions were positive ones, I still ended up in the wrong place.

Before we begin any project at Porn Reboot, the team here defines what success looks like. We decide what the goal looks like when we accomplish it long before we even begin. Once we know what the result should be, that’s when we go back and plan. We work backward from the goal that we’ve set.

When you get on a call with me or one of our strategists we do the same thing. What is your goal? Where do you want to be? Is it realistic? And then we work our way backward. The direction always comes first.

So what direction are you heading in right now? Are you moving towards your intended result or away from it? Even if you’re making some good progress along the way, where is that going to land you once it’s over? Set your direction from the beginning to ensure your actions don’t go to waste.

If you know me, you know I’m a big supporter of systems. I couldn’t quit watching porn or control my compulsive masturbation without a system. It also took the structure and routine of a system to become the man I am today. I make use of these systems in my daily life, when running my business, and within my relationships, too. And the benefits are undeniable.

I’ve talked about using systems in different areas of your life and I think the same applies to your relationship. Your relationship should have a system. There are endless positive results that come from them and there’s no reason not to make use of that with your partner.

You might hesitate when first reading that. If you don’t understand what a system is, it may sound like I’m recommending you put restrictions or limitations on your relationship. You’re probably wondering why any of that sounds like a good idea.

That’s not what I’m suggesting at all. I don’t mean you need to place a strict set of rules and regulations that both of you have to stick to. A system isn’t meant to control you or your partner. So what do I mean?

Whether you realize it or not, your relationship already has some sort of system in place. You and your partner already operate within certain confines even if you haven’t acknowledged it. If your relationship is going well, then you probably have a decent system in place. If you’re experiencing some troubles in your relationship, it’s time to take a deeper look.

I talk about systems often because, by definition, they produce reliable, predictable, and consistent results. They maximize the best aspects and minimize the worst aspects of anything you apply them to. Why wouldn’t you want to apply these outcomes to your relationship?

Everyone wants to have a relationship that’s comfortable and enjoyable. While it might seem like having a system would keep you and your partner in a box, the right system actually keeps your relationship functioning and exciting. 

You want to maximize the frequency of things you value in your relationship and minimize the occurrence of negative experiences. Implementing a system that produces these outcomes is going to leave you with some pretty great results.

Think about the things in your relationship that you and your partner value most. For example, intimacy, quality time, and communication are three main components of a thriving relationship. Building self-worth and supporting each other’s goals are also crucial parts of a strong partnership. What are some things you can do to maximize these qualities?

For example, it’s important to spend time both with each other and time on your own. A relationship only functions when each person brings a whole version of themselves to the table, after all. So your system could include one designated date night per week as well as set times for alone time. This allows for balance between your individual and shared interests.

Ultimately, systems lead to ongoing, positive results. They address problems in effective ways and set up effective solutions. Your relationship should have a system because it strengthens communication, sets healthy boundaries, breaks down expectations, limits drama, ensures you don’t take each other for granted, and keeps you from feeling stifled.

How could you ask for anything more?

Porn Reboot is about much more than leaving your porn addiction and compulsive behaviors behind – it’s about becoming the best man you can possibly be. Building a healthy relationship is a vital part of fulfilling your role as a man. 

Many men in the Porn Reboot system make use of systems in their own relationships. We often break down and discuss the different approaches we use and learn from each other in the process. If you’re looking for recommendations on where to start, join us today.

Mentors have been an integral part of my process over the years. I don’t believe I’d be where I am today without the guidance and support I’ve received from my various mentors. They’ve helped me in many areas, from my relationships to my business and more. 

At the same time, I’ve learned quite a few lessons along the way. Some of these have been quite expensive ones, too, to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. Other mentors guided me into making decisions that hurt me emotionally. The worst experiences were with those who had me spinning in circles and ultimately just wasting a lot of time.

I’m a big fan of mentors but I want to help you make sure you choose the right ones. In a world of information overload and Internet gurus, it’s easy to find yourself led astray. Everyone’s an “expert” on one thing or another but you don’t want to put your faith in these self-proclaimed professionals.

The sports cars and watches might make it look like their life is together and a few well-placed ads can drive that message home. But being a good marketer and being a good mentor are two completely different things. 

The most important thing when it comes to mentorship is choosing an effective mentor. My oversights in the past make it easier to figure out the frauds today. These are some of the biggest mistakes I made when I was looking for mentors. Hopefully you can learn from my experiences and avoid doing the same.

1. Getting distracted by material success

Too often men find themselves caught up and distracted by material wealth. Someone’s material success has nothing to do with their overall lifestyle and happiness. Just because someone has a Lambo in the driveway and a Rolex on their wrist doesn’t mean they’re qualified to give advice. Their possessions have little to do with their life as a whole.

Today I look past flashy exteriors to the type of lifestyle they’re living. I take advice based on their overall happiness, not on whether they’re stacking millions in the bank. They have to prove their understanding of their particular subject matter. They also need to show me that they’re talented or skilled enough to get me from one point to another.

2. Looking to mentors too far outside your age range

Age isn’t an immediate disqualification but you should look for mentors around the same stage of life as you. If you’re a man in your 50s, there’s little to nothing a 20-something mentor has to offer that’s applicable to your life. They can’t advise on building a healthy long-term relationship or navigating massive career decisions. Their life experience is too limited.

On the other hand, if you’re in your 20s and looking at a mentor who’s 50-something, he might be a bit disconnected from your stage, too. He might not be forthcoming about his whole story or he may alter some parts to make it seem like he sailed through an area you’re struggling in.

I think the best option is to look for a mentor who is no more than a few years younger than you or 5 to 10 years older than you. They’ll be an individual you can envision growing into over the next few years. Their success feels more realistic and achievable because they’re closer to where you’re at in your own life.

3. Believing the fallacy of the self-made man

There is no such thing as a self-made man. I didn’t get to this point in my life on my own; there’s no way I could have done it on my own. No one gets to where they are without at least some sort of support. Whether it’s social, emotional, or financial, there is always some assistance along the way.

That doesn’t mean these men don’t have drive and self-belief, though. They had some help along the way but they took that guidance and used it to the best of their abilities. I used my dedication and persistence to keep moving forward but I still needed someone to walk alongside me and keep me on the right path.

4. Seeking help from someone too far outside your experience

Think about what it is you want to accomplish with this mentor and consider what you need from them to do it. If you want to overcome your pornography addiction or compulsive sexual behavior, what are their qualifications for helping you in that area? Have they found a way to work through and overcome their problem? Do they have personal experience with it?

You can’t look to someone with a general qualification in, say, substance addiction for help with a pornography problem. They’re similar struggles but unique enough that you need someone with the same experience. Look for mentors who found success in the area where you hope to be successful if you want a positive mentoring relationship.

“I don’t have a problem with watching pornography, I just have a preference for it.”

Have you ever caught yourself thinking this?

Tons of guys who come to the group believe this at first. They have themselves convinced they could stop if they really wanted to, but they prefer doing it, so they don’t.

At the end of the day, though, would you be here if you could control it?

Many men stick with the belief that it’s a preference because admitting it’s a compulsion means they need to ask for help. Once you’ve crossed the line into compulsive behavior, it likely means you can’t handle it on your own anymore. But it’s difficult to accept this so you continue trying to convince yourself it’s just a preference.

Your false beliefs are holding you back from overcoming your pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behaviors. Understanding the difference between preference and compulsion is crucial if you truly want to stop for good. How do you know when you’ve gone too far?

The Line Between Preference and Compulsion

Everyone has preferences. Say you prefer espresso over drip coffee or salty snacks over sweet snacks. You prefer burgers over pizza or lifting weights over running. There are hundreds of different preferences dictating your actions throughout the day. But the important thing to note is no matter how strong a preference is, it never becomes a true necessity.

Say the espresso machine broke at your go-to coffee shop. You can’t get your usual morning espresso but you’d probably settle for a cup of drip coffee without much hesitation. Their broken machine doesn’t send you into a spiral because you prefer espresso. You’ll swap it out for another caffeinated drink and go about your day because it’s a preference.

Now say you enjoy having a few drinks throughout the week. You never drink to excess, only the occasional glass of wine with dinner or a couple of beers with your friends on the weekend. You prefer to have a drink or two when you’re out socializing but you never think too much about it.

One day you go visit your doctor for a checkup and he tells you that you have a fatty liver. He recommends cutting alcohol out for a while to see if that relieves the problem. If you simply have a preference for drinking you’ll cut it out without a second thought. It’s negatively affecting you so it’s easy for you to leave it alone.

If you have a compulsive drinking problem, though, you’ll struggle to stop. You might not even realize their drinking is a compulsion before receiving that news from your doctor. It’s not until you’re asked to stop that you realize you can’t go without that glass of wine at dinner or those beers with your buddies. Your drinking is a compulsion, not a preference.

Compulsion and Pornography

The same goes for pornography. If you only have a preference for watching porn and masturbating, you’ll stop when it starts negatively affecting your life. When your wife threatens you, when you’re feeling distracted throughout the day, when it starts seeping into other areas of your life, you can stop because these things are a bigger priority in your life.

When these things happen and you can’t stop, though, you’ve crossed the line into compulsion. Your wife feels betrayed, your productivity tanks, your business suffers, you lay by the wayside. The problems start piling up, but you can’t quit watching pornography no matter what you try to do. 

You start searching online for solutions to the problem, looking for communities and systems to help you quit. And that’s probably how you found your way to Porn Reboot. You might not have accepted that you’re past the point of preference but you’ve arrived here anyways. And I’m here to reassure you that even if it’s a compulsion, there’s a solution for your problem.

You might have found some 12-step recovery resources before you got here that have you thinking your problem is out of your control. I believe it’s a biological issue, though, and you don’t need to make it a bigger issue than it is. Overcoming your porn and masturbation problem is simple and straightforward as long as you have a system.

Porn Reboot lays out a science-backed path for reframing your perspective and rewiring your brain. You can’t force yourself into quitting porn; you need to work with your brain and replace your old behaviors with new ones. If you’re new to Porn Reboot, I have a ton of resources available to help you.

There are hundreds of videos on my YouTube channel, a podcast I upload multiple times per week, dozens of posts right here on this blog, and a whole group on Facebook filled with men who understand exactly what you’re going through. It’s difficult to ask for help but start with the resources above and then reach out to the group when you’re ready for some support as you leave your compulsive behaviors behind.

Building a healthy and prosperous relationship is not easy. Over the years, people can change and adapting to these changes can be difficult for their partners. A recent study found that there are over 200,000 pornography addicts in the United States. In most cases, people who have this addiction will hide it for years.

If you have recently discovered that your partner is dealing with porn addiction, you have a responsibility to support and help them throughout their battle with this sexual compulsion. Helping your partner overcome their porn addiction will not be easy. Here are some things you can do to make getting through this experience manageable for you and your partner.

Seek Out The Help Of a Porn Addiction Specialist

One of the biggest mistakes a porn addict can make is trying to overcome this addiction on their own. Most porn addicts are in the right frame of mind to resist temptation. If your partner is trying to quit watching pornography cold turkey, it will be hard for them to avoid a relapse. Rather than waiting until this relapse occurs to take action, you need to convince your partner to see an addiction specialist right now.

If you are looking for an addiction coach with plenty of previous experience, then it is time to contact J.K. Emezi. With the help of an addiction coach, your partner can figure out how to overcome their porn issues. The longer you allow your partner to avoid this type of treatment, the worse their porn addiction will become. This is why encouraging them to seek out professional help is so important.

Avoid Isolating Yourself

Some people get very offended when they find out their partner has been watching pornography behind their backs. The anger some people feel when confronted with this problem stems from feelings of not being worthy of the affection of their porn-addicted partner. Allowing these feelings to linger can lead to you withdrawing from your relationship.

Being isolated from your partner in their time of need can make matters much worse. Ideally, you want to seek out a relationship therapist to help you work through the issues you and your partner have. Being able to talk to a professional about your feelings regarding your partner’s porn addiction can help you strengthen your relationship with them over time.

Allow Your Partner To Invest Time in Recovery Activities

If you are used to spending every waking hour with your partner, it can be hard to change this routine. However, if your partner wants to recover from their porn addictions, they will need to go to addiction recovery meetings. Instead of giving your partner a hard time about going to these recovery-related activities, you need to be supportive.

It’s Time To Get Help For Porn Addiction

If you or your partner are dealing with pornography addiction, contact J.K. Emezi. With his help, you can find out how to live a life without porn.

Today’s post is for my Christian brothers in the Porn Reboot group. Unfortunately, difficulties often arise whenever I bring up faith because some take any commentary on faith as a personal attack. I want to be clear that I’m not here to cast judgment or encourage anyone to abandon their religion. What I’m talking about today is crucial, though, so I hope you stick with me for it.

One of our brothers asked a question about a coping strategy in the group the other day. The first response was along the lines of, “Jesus will help you.” I see this from men of faith when they first join the group because they’re used to the idea that their faith will help them through anything. 

I’m here to argue with your faith but I am going to push back against the use of Jesus or faith as an exemption from personal responsibility. If you’re a man struggling with pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior, blind faith is not an effective tactic. You can’t sit back and expect Jesus to remove your out of control behavior without any effort on your part.

You might think, “J.K. you’re cherry-picking right now. You’re looking at a certain type of person.” The problem is that this certain type of person is actually a lot of people. I work with men all the time who think like this when they first find our group. They believe their faith will cure their addiction. By the time you arrive at Porn Reboot, though, you’re at the point where faith alone isn’t enough.

Jesus is Not a Catch-All

There’s nothing wrong with having faith. Faith and religion give purpose and reason to millions of people around the world. Problems arise when you use them as an excuse to avoid personal responsibility and accountability, though. You can’t pray your difficulties away without taking any action to support those prayers.

It’s easy to say, “God is going to lead me to the right woman,” when you can’t get a date because you won’t take care of your looks, have no goals, or are socially awkward. Too many people say, “God is testing me,” when they have money problems, never mind they went bankrupt because of their gambling problem. 

Then there’s, “I don’t need help with my porn or sex addiction, I only need Jesus.”

Jesus is not a catch-all. You can’t use Jesus as a scapegoat for handling the situation that your choices got you into. Unless you start making different choices and backing them up with changed behavior, you’re going to stay stuck in the cycle of addiction. But maintaining the belief that Jesus is going to absolve you of your behaviors without any input on your part is blocking your recovery.

Personal Responsibility and Faith

The Porn Reboot system and your faith don’t have to be mutually exclusive things. Though the system is supported by science, you’ll find nothing in it that negates your religion. If anything, incorporating the Porn Reboot system in your life will likely lead you to a stronger faith and connection with God.

Pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior block you from God. How many times have you sat in church with your family but thought about porn or masturbation throughout the service? What’s the last thing you do before you go to bed – spend time in prayer or jerk off until you fall asleep?

There are thousands of faithful men who struggle with pornography addiction, pastors included. If you’re a man of faith you’ve likely prayed for this problem to go away already. Maybe you’ve prayed for months or years but found it’s still not working. You’re fooling yourself if you’re still sitting there spinning in circles, thinking that Jesus alone is going to solve your problem.

You need to take responsibility for your life and do something about your pornography addiction. Accepting your personal responsibility doesn’t mean that you’re turning on your faith. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. God doesn’t want you to spend your life distracted and disheveled by your compulsive sexual behavior. Why shouldn’t you seek out a system that supports your recovery?

Supporting Your Faith with Your Reboot

Implementing the Porn Reboot system is going to strengthen your faith, not take away from it. The system is made up of coping strategies and life skills that help you become a better man. It’s developing the productive, positive actions it takes to keep you engaged in your life and away from the detriments of pornography addiction.

I’ve worked with hundreds of pastors over the years who came to me when they found they couldn’t stop on their own. They put the system to work in their lives and overcame their addictions. Only after they removed porn and other sexual behaviors did they realize just how distant they were from their faith and their congregation. Porn Reboot reconnected them with their religion and with God.

Using Porn Reboot doesn’t mean you’re denying Jesus or turning against religion. It clears the channel that you’ve bogged down with porn, masturbation, and other out-of-control behaviors. If you’re still insisting that Jesus is going to solve your porn problem but you’re also here reading this, it might be time to give a new approach a try. Join us today, brother.

We live in a culture where people identify with their dysfunctions.

When someone receives a diagnosis, they identify with whatever that particular diagnosis is. 

“I’m ADHD.”

“I’m dyslexic.”

“I’m depressed.”

Some even go as far as to integrate their diagnosis into their personality. They center their thoughts around this one aspect of their life and frame their entire worldview around it.

I read a study the other day that said individuals who believe in the concept of repressed childhood trauma are more likely to find repressed childhood trauma when they speak to a therapist. On the other hand, those who don’t believe in the concept tend to not uncover any repressed childhood trauma.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that no one experiences childhood trauma or that some people don’t repress experiences from when they were young. I do think it’s interesting that the beliefs we adopt leave us susceptible to certain things.

The culture you’re raised in frames your world view and there’s no denying the rise in people identifying with their diagnoses. They don’t realize how much embodying these medical labels limits their potential, though. When you enclose yourself in the box of a diagnosis, you cut yourself off from so much possibility.

If you’re considering seeking out a psychologist for a diagnosis, you might want to reconsider. There are alternative approaches to controlling your out of control behavior that don’t require you to slap a label on yourself. If the goal is to end your out of control behavior, shouldn’t you do it through the most effective avenue possible?

Psychologists and Pornography Addiction

A psychologist’s job is to help you expose the root causes of issues you have in your everyday life. They dive into your history and look for experiences that explain your current troubles. This is a great approach for people who struggle with serious mental illnesses that affect their quality of life.

Though your pornography addiction probably affects your quality of life, it’s not a mental or moral problem. It’s not something that a few sessions of weekly talk therapy is going to solve. You might even know this from experience after trying it yourself a time or two.

Psychologists are fantastic at helping people overcome and learn to live with their mental illnesses. Unless you also deal with mental illness, though, a psychologist probably isn’t the best bet for you. They’ll encourage you to dig deep into areas that might not even be problematic. You could find yourself running in circles trying to uncover the source of your behavior.

I find with many of the men in the Porn Reboot group that we’re not usually dealing with mental illness. You might experience feelings of anxiety or depression as a result of hiding your out of control behavior. That’s not the same thing as a diagnosable depressive disorder, though. Once you start addressing your pornography addiction you’ll likely notice these feelings dissipate.

Character Defects vs. Character Assets

There are men in the Porn Reboot group who are highly-driven, ambitious, high-performing men who still find themselves trapped by these problems. They received a diagnosis at one time or another and it’s proved to be a sticking point in their reboot. Labeling their addiction and out of control behavior did nothing to limit its impact. If anything, it sometimes makes it worse.

Successful men display strong, assertive characteristics like self-assurance and confidence. These might be labeled narcissistic traits depending on how you handle them and who you ask. If you go looking for psychological input, you might find yourself second-guessing the parts of your personality that make you who you are.

You might be encouraged to label these traits as character defects when, in reality, they’re oftentimes character assets. So long as you don’t use them to dominate or overpower when it’s not appropriate, there are great things about the characteristics it takes to be successful.

You can’t ignore the liabilities that come with the traits it takes to be successful. There are true defects of character in plenty of high performing, successful men who struggle with sexually compulsive behavior. I notice things like the tendency to exaggerate a lot, being overly sensitive to criticism, difficulty with controlling emotions, or feeling excessively paranoid. They also tend to take a grandiose view of themselves and the things they want to do. 

There is a fine line between character assets and character defects. They can be helpful traits when you use them to better yourself and those around you. Top performers don’t rise to where they are by rolling over and taking no for an answer. They have lofty dreams and ambitions and follow them up with hard work and determination.

You don’t want to end up slapping a diagnosis on yourself and then over-analyzing your characteristics. There’s a healthy balance you can work toward that doesn’t require your receiving a pornography addiction diagnosis. 

Understanding the Cause of Your Behavior

Understanding the cause of your behavior is crucial if you want to finally end your out of control behavior. I’ve found over the years of working with hundreds of men that you likely won’t find that answer on a therapist’s couch, though. 

The Porn Reboot system sees the causes of your behavior as a biological problem. Trying to overcome them through behavioral therapy or moral convictions is fighting against your biology. You’re on a fast-track (or, worse, a slow-track) to failure when you fight things that are a part of you. 

Instead, implementing a system like the one we use at Porn Reboot leads to lasting change. It’s the only thing I found that worked for me and for the hundreds of men I’ve worked with in the past and continue helping today. It teaches you to take control of the narrative in your life rather than allowing outside people and forces to dictate it for you.

You might struggle with pornography addiction or compulsive sexual behavior but that doesn’t reflect on you as a person. It doesn’t mean you’re bad, that you’re immoral, or that you’re hopeless. It’s simply that you didn’t develop the ability to properly cope without turning to pornography or certain behaviors to calm you.

Knowing this provides reassurance that you can change the situation. You can start developing and working on a set of skills and coping strategies to rewire your brain. You’ll learn to cope and you won’t need pornography, masturbation, or sex to do it.

Systems Beat Diagnoses

I want to reassure you that you don’t have to go get diagnoses if you feel that it’s not what you need. If it’s going to risk your marriage, your career, your happiness, or your future, a diagnosis is not necessary. You don’t have to place a label on yourself to implement the system we use here at Porn Reboot. In fact, you’re probably better off without it.

If you’re ready to make a change, though, you can start taking the steps to overcome your addiction and compulsive behaviors today. Read through some of the posts here on the blog, check out my YouTube channel, tune into the Porn Reboot podcast, and join us in the free Facebook group.

You can find hours of information on the Porn Reboot system available for free on our various platforms. We’ve had brothers work through their behaviors through the wide range of resources I offer. You can sign up for additional support if you’re looking for more in-depth, one-on-one work or the support of a more private community.

However you choose to approach your reboot, you don’t need a diagnosis to do it. We’re here in the struggle with you and are available to support you every step of the way.