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Porn Addiction Counseling

Porn Addiction Counseling

You Need the Lows

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

You Need the Lows

A few weeks ago I had a pretty rough experience. We had a lot going on at Elevated Recovery. We were hiring new team members and had a few projects simultaneously in the works. These crunch periods are always a time of ongoing work where I get by on four or five hours of sleep because I’m determined to accomplish our goals.

However, three weeks into the crunch period my body completely shut down. I had a full day of coaching the day before and when I woke up the following morning I was in full-blown panic mode. I have maybe one or two random panic attacks each year but this was the worst one I’ve had in a long time. I not only had anxiety and depressive thoughts but also horrible flu-like symptoms.

I couldn’t get out of bed so I texted my assistant, canceled all my appointments, and took the day off. I was so photosensitive that I could only look at my phone for as long as it took to contact my assistant. I did nothing but hydrate and slowly get through the day. I even experienced some occasional hallucinations throughout the feverish period. It was a brutal day.

Over the years I’ve learned that I can’t fight when these things happen. Instead, I become very present and observe myself. I settle into a state of mindfulness and watch what I experience both internally and externally. It was the only option I had during this day of panic because I couldn’t do much of anything else.

When I finally made it through the night and woke up the next morning, though, all the pressure I felt from the weeks of crunch time was gone. I had no fewer deadlines than I did the day before my panic attack. There were still hundreds of people who needed our support. I knew that taking the day off made the workday harder for some of my colleagues. But I still felt no pressure. In fact, I had absolute clarity on what steps to take next.

I reflected on those 24 hours of panic and physical incapability over the following days. I normally take Mondays off but realized I hadn’t taken one off in the three weeks of crunch leading up to the panic attack. I was going all out. I woke up and put on the positive, upbeat, go-getter persona, and took on the day. And eventually, it wore me out.

I bet you’ve had a few of these experiences, too. Everyone burns out eventually when they live and work with the pedal to the floor. You have to hit pause sometimes to avoid completely crashing and burning, but sometimes it takes the low points to remember this. That’s exactly what happened to me. I spent the weeks before the panic attack avoiding pausing and instead pushing to finish everything that we needed to do.

It’s essential that you set limits for yourself and establish boundaries around your schedule. You have to carve time out for yourself or life will find a way of carving it out for you. If you aren’t proactive about taking a break, your body will force you to take one eventually.

These lows aren’t an enjoyable experience but at the same time, they’re a great reminder and reset point. You can use the break to determine what’s most important and calibrate your focus to accomplish those tasks. You need the lows to remind you of why a break is such an important part of the process.

This is especially important for men in the Porn Addiction Counseling program. While everyone hits the wall at times, men with a porn addiction problem have more to lose. You’re more likely to act out and engage in your compulsive behavior when you reach one of these low points. You have to take breaks before your body demands one of you.

The Porn Reboot program equips you with the self-awareness and discipline to know when it’s time to hit pause. The low points are a necessary part of the Porn Reboot process but you get the chance to use them to your benefit today instead of letting them use you.

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The Top 22 Objections to the Porn Reboot Program: Part 1

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

The Top 22 Objections to the Porn Reboot Program: Part 1

I want to cover 22 of the main objections I hear from men when they want to start the Porn Reboot program. I can almost guarantee that you’ve thought at least a few of these things along the way to ending your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. There are solutions to every objection, though, and I want to review the first half of them today.

1. I can do this with willpower alone

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, brother, but statistics suggest that about 4% of men succeed and 96% of men fail by trying to use willpower alone. Sure, there is a slight chance you might be part of that 4% but there’s a much higher chance of you being part of the majority.

2. I can do this on my own

I see tons of men who believe they can learn to manage their out-of-control behavior on their own. They’re confident that their motivation will propel them to success. You’re far from alone if you’re thinking this, but how many times have you tried the isolated motivation approach before?

3. I’ll try SLAA or another 12-step program instead

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a spiritual-based 12-step approach to overcoming porn and sex addiction. However, like the willpower approach, studies show that SLAA fails 92 to 94% of people who try it.

4. I don’t really have that big of a porn problem

I hear this from so many men who show up to Porn Reboot and I have a hard time not chuckling. If you didn’t have a serious problem with porn, brother, then how did you reach this site in the first place? Why are you still reading this blog post?

5. I shouldn’t have to pay to quit watching porn

Sure, that’s an understandable way of thinking. I didn’t want to have to pay to end my out-of-control behavior, either. But if your alternatives leave you with a 4 to 8% success rate, wouldn’t you rather use a more effective approach? Investing in yourself could be the thing that finally helps you end this behavior.

6. I shouldn’t have to pay what your programs cost

No one is telling you that you have to pay for the Porn Reboot program. You’re more than welcome to use a cheaper alternative, but you’ll receive the results that the cheaper alternative offers. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a program that provides the same results at a lower price point.

7. I can spend my money on better things

I won’t argue with you about that. There are plenty of more entertaining ways to spend your money. However, you got yourself to a point where you can no longer control your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Could there really be anything better to spend your money on than learning to control the behaviors actively destroying your life?

8. My wife, friends, or church group can hold me accountable

Tony Robbins, the famous motivational coach, says that friends and spouses are the worst people to look to for accountability. Most of the time your friends and spouse allow you room to cut corners. Your porn problem is not something you can cut corners with, though, or it will only get worse.

9. I fear people will find out that I’m doing this

That’s a reasonable fear, but everything in the Porn Reboot group is private and confidential. Our entire program is hidden from the general public; no one will know that you’re in the Porn Reboot program unless you tell them.

10. I’ll be embarrassed if people know I’m in a porn addiction program

I get it, brother. I felt embarrassed when I first shared that I had a porn addiction problem with others, too. One of the most important things we do in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot system is to teach members to be confident while powerfully owning and celebrating a porn-free lifestyle.

11. I worry I won’t really like the Porn Reboot community

If you’re like most men who struggle with compulsive behaviors with porn, sex, and masturbation, chances are you’ll enjoy the group. We share a lot of similar traits and tendencies. I’m selective about who I work with which means our community is fun, welcoming, educated, smart, and successful. It’s a fantastic group of men.

The Top 22 Objections to the Porn Reboot Program: Part 1 Read More »

Are You Struggling?

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

Are You Struggling?

Do you find yourself struggling as you try to follow the Porn Reboot system? It doesn’t matter whether you are already a client in our program, or if you’re just someone who reads our blog, listens to the podcast, receives our newsletters, or watches our YouTube channel.

Do you often feel bored or cynical, demotivated, disappointed, and pessimistic about your reboot process? Do you constantly feel the need to be perfect? Do you often feel like you’re a failure? Do you blame outside circumstances for your problems? Do you lack the ambition to take the action needed to change your circumstances?

I’ve heard everything in the book.

“My schedule is too tight.”

“I don’t have time to dedicate to this.”

“I’m too busy at work.”

“I have too many responsibilities.”

“I can’t afford to seek help right now.”

“The kids wake up too early in the morning for a morning routine.”

You can tell me whatever you believe to be holding you back, but after over a decade of working with men in the Porn Reboot program, I’m almost positive of the true reason.

Here’s why brother: you are not understanding nor implement the program’s basics.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re a casual reader of the blog or listener to the podcast, or fully engulfed in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot implementation program. I see it on both sides of enrollment. If you’re still struggling and making excuses, you still don’t quite understand what it is that we’re doing here.

The basics of the Porn Reboot program aren’t there for fun or to aimlessly fill your time. They are not random, optional self-improvement tasks. I didn’t come up with them on a whim and sent hundreds of brothers out to check off the various boxes for no reason.

The Porn Reboot program is an intentionally-outlined set of actions that, when implemented, lead to changed behavior. Each action serves a purpose. Everything is in place because it moves you forward in your reboot.

Some examples include developing a morning routine, recording your daily wins and feelings in a journal, expressing genuine gratitude, taking accountability for your actions, setting and maintaining boundaries, writing out your goals, and more. You rewire your brain by following through on these things day after day, week after week, month after month.

But when you do not follow the reboot basics, you lose motivation. You will feel pessimistic. You’ll experience boredom and cynicism. You’ll aim for perfection and berate yourself incessantly when you realize perfection is impossible. You will feel like a failure day after day.

On the other hand, when you follow the basics, you will experience optimism and motivation. You’ll feel confident about what you’re doing. You will experience the excitement. You’ll have ambition, not just to end your out-of-control behavior, but to build something with your life.

I see it all the time. Men are excited during their first few days and weeks of the program. They’re filled with excitement and motivation and happiness at the chance of changing their lives and eliminating their out-of-control behavior. But two months later they’re filled with cynicism.

I find it happens when men attach themselves to a sense of perfectionism. They believe they need to check every box off and do every activity perfectly or they aren’t going to be successful. They think that if they can’t meet every responsibility every day then it isn’t even worth trying. They believe that no matter how well they do, how motivated they are, how good they get at their reboot, or how many months they stay committed, they are still a failure.

I’m here to tell you something, brother: you won’t feel anything when you first start implementing the basics. I’m serious. Sure, you might have some short-term excitement but that quickly wears off. You won’t feel some massive, noticeable shift for a long time. Porn Reboot isn’t anything like pornography. There is no immediate positive reaction like you’re used to. There is no instant gratification. It might even feel monotonous. A voice in your head might tell you that it’s nonsense or that it’s a waste of time.

You may even do these things for a few weeks and still experience a slip. I often hear men say, “Oh, I did all the basics, but I still slipped.” That happens more often than you may think. I want to make something clear: the basics do not stop slips or relapses. This is especially important for men who aren’t members of the Intensive or Implementation Program; the small actions themselves do not stop a slip. That’s not what the Porn Reboot system is about.

These habits you build up over time rewire your brain. It isn’t the meditation or journaling or checking in with an accountability partner that keeps you from going back to porn; it’s the shift that comes as a result. Over time, these actions change your self-image. You change from an insecure, self-loathing introvert to a man who follows through on his word. You build character. You cultivate self-esteem. And these changes to your inner being are what keep you from wanting to view porn ever again.

You become a man who no longer views pornography or acts out in other sexual ways. You have no reason to view porn or depend on masturbation to feel good. Your mind rebels against anything that provides short-term pleasure in return for long-term pain. It begins to work with you once you have these small habits in place. This is how rewiring your brain becomes permanent.

That doesn’t mean your life becomes perfect. That’s far from the truth. Life still throws curveballs after your reboot. But when you establish a sense of self-esteem and your habits are firmly in place, you won’t turn back to porn to deal with them. You’ll face them head-on like the new man you are and handle them with strength and dignity.

If you’re still struggling, brother, you haven’t embraced the point of this program. You’ll continue running headlong into the brick wall of obstinacy if you refuse to change your perspective. Once you accept these changes, though, you’ll find a new lease on life. The struggles will dissipate and you’ll find yourself equipped to enjoy all that life has to offer.

Are You Struggling? Read More »

Don’t Kill Yourself Over a Relapse

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

Don’t Kill Yourself Over a Relapse

Brothers, it hurts me to even have to say this but relapse to pornography is no reason to consider suicide.

I’m sharing this because I’ve spoken with brothers who considered it as a result of their sexual behavior during their reboot. Maybe you visited an escort while married or had sex with a man. Perhaps you’re struggling with your sexuality because you find yourself attracted to transgender individuals and aren’t sure where that places you.

I know these experiences are confusing and sometimes painful. It’s hard to understand the ways that porn addiction alters your sexual palate and makes you question your sexuality. Sometimes you may feel so lost and hopeless that suicide seems like the only way out. But I promise you that is far from the truth.

I found myself feeling the same way when I was at the lowest points of my porn addiction. I couldn’t see any way out and wasn’t sure how else to get the thoughts and behaviors to stop. However, knowing what I know now, I would rather be a porn addict for my entire life than commit suicide. Even if I hadn’t ended my behavior, choosing not to end my life gives me time to still find a solution.

Life is far too vast and too much of a magical gift to give up on because you can’t stop touching your dick. I’ve worked with CEOs of billion-dollar companies, megachurch pastors, politicians, athletes, trust fund babies, broke college students, and men in third-world countries. Porn addiction doesn’t care what your background is. No one is immune.

Many of these men have also considered suicide at some point. Porn addiction leaves men with health issues, financial issues, and broken relationships, but it’s the only coping mechanism that we have. This creates such an overwhelming sense of hopelessness that it may seem like ending your life is the one option left.

But you’re here on the Porn Addiction Recovery blog. You recognize that you might still have a chance. Even if everything is falling apart around you, you still have the time to read this blog post. That means you still have time to change your life and end your out-of-control behavior, thus ending your suicidal thoughts.

I don’t want to lose any brothers to the grips of porn addiction problems. I know what a difficult thing it is to live with. And I also know that it’s possible to escape. I am living proof, and so are the hundreds of other men in the Porn Reboot program building beautiful lives for themselves and their loved ones.

All you have to do is reach out for help. I don’t care how bad you think life is, it’s never bad enough that suicide is your only option. If your contemplations are serious enough, please reach out to an emergency service line first and seek out more intensive care.

If you’re not an immediate risk to yourself, consider talking with some brothers in the group. I guarantee you’ll find someone who understands exactly what you’re going through and who can offer help and hope. They serve as genuine proof that you can escape the chains of porn addiction, too.

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How Important Are Boundaries?

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

How Important Are Boundaries?

Today I want to cover the importance of boundaries. The topic came to mind when a brother in the program brought up a fantastic question. He said:

“Hey, J.K. I’m trying to change my attitude towards boundaries. I’ve made decent progress, like understanding that boundaries are an investment in myself. I would like to hear your view on boundaries and what questions I could ask myself to get more perspective on their importance, not just for rebooting but life in general.”

The simplest definition of boundaries is the point where something ends and another thing begins. They are something you establish to keep yourself from acting out or engaging in behaviors that are not aligned with your values. We have boundaries in our reboot because they protect us from detrimental consequences.

For example, many men have an issue with slipping or relapsing when they go to bed at night. To avoid slipping before falling asleep, these men set a boundary of not having their phones in their bedrooms. They leave it charging in the living room, kitchen, or some other room where they cannot access it while they’re in bed.

While I do see where this brother is coming from when he says boundaries are an investment in himself, I still see them more as protection. Boundaries require humility. They require vulnerability and a willingness to admit there are things outside of your control. Any man who constantly violates his boundaries is a man who hasn’t fully admitted his lack of control over his behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation.

Another important thing to recognize about boundaries is that they are not set in stone. You should adapt your boundaries to your circumstances as you grow in your reboot. You’re not going to adhere to the same set of rules and guidelines when you have a year or more in the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot program that you did when you first arrived.

Single men in the group often set a boundary of no dating during the first few weeks or months of ending their out-of-control behavior. If they kept this boundary for the rest of their lives, though, it would be a miserable existence. It’s a crucial part of the early stages for men who struggle with their sexual behavior, but eventually, they need to get back out there and start learning to establish intimacy with a woman again. Their boundaries shift as they make progress and grow.

If these men had no boundaries around dating during their first few stages, they could very easily find themselves in more trouble than when they started. They might end up on a merry-go-round of quitting and relapsing without making any significant progress. But once they admit their lack of control and then set and stick to a boundary, they can make notable steps forward in their reboot. Once they’ve mastered the first few stages, then they can adjust their boundaries accordingly.

Another great example of adapting boundaries over time is social media. There is so much soft-core pornography on social media that it can feel impossible to avoid at times. Despite Instagram’s strict policies, there are plenty of pictures, videos, and accounts that leave almost nothing to the imagination. Setting a hard no-social media boundary is crucial for almost every man when he first shows up to the Porn Reboot program.

However, it’s also almost impossible to live life without some sort of social media engagement. Even joining the Porn Reboot Facebook group requires a Facebook account, after all. There are dozens of benefits to social media but we often misuse the tool when we’re deep in our addiction. As we progress through the process of rewiring our brains, though, we can learn to engage in a healthy way.

Social media helps you stay in touch with friends who move away and family members who aren’t close by. It empowers you to build businesses and promote products. You shouldn’t bar yourself from these benefits once you’ve started to control your out-of-control behavior. Your boundaries surrounding social media can shift as you rewire your brain.

However, it’s easy to take my point and apply it to pornography. You might think that after you’ve gone a certain length of time without engaging in out-of-control behavior you can do so in moderation. Maybe you tell yourself you can watch porn once a week, but soon enough you’re back in the throes of your addiction and often worse off than you were before. I see it happen with brothers all the time.

Some boundaries can change with time. Others should remain regardless of where you’re at in your reboot. This isn’t an area where you want to operate in isolation, though. Talking with accountability partners is a great way to determine when it’s time to reconsider an existing boundary or whether it’s one you should hold onto for a bit longer.

It’s incredible to think I have a YouTube channel today when I know for a fact that I would have slipped on YouTube in the past. I was the sort of person who went to bars, clubs, and lounges and relapsed when I came home unsuccessful and alone, but today I can enter these places and come home without a thought in my mind. Rarely do I go somewhere like that, but I know I can if I need to.

The same applies to you, too. As you progress in your reboot you’ll be amazed at the things you become capable of doing without slipping or relapsing. You have an entire life ahead of you, brother, and setting and respecting your boundaries are an important part of the process.

How Important Are Boundaries? Read More »

How Much Time Should You Spend on Your Reboot?

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

How Much Time Should You Spend on Your Reboot?

The Porn Reboot system isn’t something that promises you’ll end your out-of-control behavior in only a few weeks. We aren’t a quick-fix program shilling miracles for mere minutes out of your day. The system takes time to implement and follow through on, but that means you receive lasting results.

However, that also means that it can occasionally be a time-consuming process. It’s important to know how much time you should spend on your reboot, especially for men who lead busy lives. You may run a business or have a high-level position in your career. Perhaps you have kids and a spouse whom you want to spend quality time with. Maybe you have other interests such as continued education, hobbies, or other recreational pursuits. Yet you’re also struggling with an out-of-control behavior and ending it is one of your main priorities as well.

It’s something that almost every brother struggles with at some point during their early reboot stage. One of these brothers brought it up with a great question in the group. He asked:

“Hey J.K., I want to know how much you recommend the brothers make use of the group. I come on for less than an hour a week. I watch your Q&A on Tuesday. I ask my question Friday and I check in fortnightly on Sundays with some wins and progress, and then I’m straight off.

“Do you think that this is too little? I’d still like to be more active and read more posts, but I just can’t stand being on Facebook. It’s kind of triggering being on here due to years of using it to act out. Thoughts?”

As always, great question. I have a few thoughts I want to share on the matter.

Recognize the benefits of Facebook

I know that Facebook isn’t the platform of choice for some people but it’s proven itself to be the most effective way to run our group. It connects me with men from all walks of life, all across the world, and it connects these men, too. The reality is social media is here to stay, as well as whatever iteration follows after it.

Some men believe they can completely divorce themselves from technology. They think they can operate in the world without it. Unfortunately, brother, you may be able to for some time but the world is moving increasingly online. There are bills to pay, people to communicate with, events to hear about, and more, all of which are found online.

I believe it’s better to develop a healthy relationship with technology than it is to divorce yourself from it entirely. At Porn Addiction Recovery Reboot, we’re determined to continuously innovate as technology evolves. Participating in the Porn Reboot Facebook group is a great way to practice that healthy engagement alongside a group of men who are aware of both its positive and negative effects.

I know there are plenty of triggering things splattered across social media, but avoiding these platforms forever isn’t a lasting solution. Instead, you’ll learn to manage your nervous system and create a lifestyle where you actively choose to minimize access to triggering material while still engaging with Facebook.

Intentional engagement

The amount of time you spend using the group isn’t necessarily the most important indicator of progress. It’s not so much about how much time you spend using the group; it’s more about the quality of that time and whether it’s relevant to you. What are you actually doing when you hop into the Porn Reboot Facebook group?

The brother who asked this question sounds like he’s covering plenty of ground and using his time wisely. But it’s not always easy to determine where to place your focus, especially on the Porn Reboot system. We have a wide range of options for men struggling to control their behavior including:

Weekly live Q&As with me
Self-belief coaching with Coach Milan
Trauma-informed sessions with Dr. Jessica Eastman
Neural reprogramming with Coach Milan
Group sessions with Dr. Howard Rankin

You want to make sure you’re not just adding a few comments to the discussion and logging out for the day; you should make use of all the tools that apply to you. For example, Dr. Eastman’s sessions will be crucial if you experienced trauma in your past. If you’re struggling with limiting beliefs about your self-worth, Coach Milan’s sessions are invaluable.

We spent years isolated from others as we fell deeper into our pornography addiction. Connection is an integral part of the Porn Reboot system because it helps us learn to engage with others again. It keeps us from slipping back into our solitary lonely existence. Group sessions with Dr. Jessica, Dr. Howard, and Coach Milan are a great way to connect with other brothers who understand what you’re going through.

At the same time, you also don’t want the Porn Reboot program to become another thing that keeps you compulsively online. Create and implement a solid morning routine. Set up weekly check-in calls with your accountability partner or other brothers in the program. Don’t neglect the importance of our online sessions, but don’t neglect the importance of the real-life application of the system, either.

Take advantage of compounding benefits

It’s important to recognize the amount of time your reboot requires for success, not only from a scheduling standpoint and a time management standpoint but particularly because I want you to avoid making a big mistake that many men make: not taking advantage of the power of compounding benefits.

What is compounding, you ask? It refers to the ever-increasing benefits that come from developing and using strategies and coping skills to improve your life, as well as the positive impact of staying off pornography and controlling your behavior. These beneficial effects only compound when you’re consistent, though, and you can only be consistent when you operate on a schedule that works for you.

Lots of guys find themselves thrown off their routine by a trip, vacation, fight with their partner, health emergency, an especially busy week, losing a client, losing some money, or any other unexpected circumstance. There’s nothing wrong with going off-course for a bit because these disruptions to life are to be expected. But problems arise when you’re thrown off for weeks and can’t refocus and find your way back to your routine.

It’s easy to get derailed and stay there when you don’t have a set schedule to adhere to every week. When you join the Porn Reboot program, our strategists help you determine which areas to focus on and how much time you should dedicate to each. Taking advantage of this gives you a much better chance of staying on track so you can take advantage of compounding benefits.

The amount of time you should spend on your reboot varies from person to person. It also shifts as you progress further in your reboot. It takes more time to build a solid foundation in the beginning and then the daily time commitment gets shorter as your brain rewires. The most important thing to keep in mind when determining your time commitment to your reboot, though, is making sure you use that time as wisely as possible. One focused hour per day will yield far greater results than three mindless hours. Keep this in mind, brother, and you’re well on your way.

How Much Time Should You Spend on Your Reboot? Read More »

You ARE A Good Man

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

You ARE A Good Man

This is for the men who struggle with their self-worth, and who feel worthless despite putting forth their best effort. This post is for you if you’ve put in the work: reading books, listening to podcasts, watching videos, working with therapists, and so on. However, no matter what you do, it feels like the moment you’re hit with an urge you fold almost instantly.

Maybe you feel like there’s a level of complexity to rebooting that’s beyond you but you can’t seem to figure out what it is. It seems like you’ve tried it all yet you can’t come out on top. You’ve done everything within your power but nothing seems to work. You can’t find the wins because it doesn’t feel like you’ve experienced any, even all these years later.

Brother, I want to tell you that your intention matters. You are a good person. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t continue trying to end your behavior. You would give up, throw in the towel, cut your losses, and lean into the easier, darker path. But you’re still here.

A lot of men believe they are bad people if they don’t overcome their out-of-control sexual behavior, but I disagree. You must be a good person if you continue to try to end your behavior. I’ve spoken with thousands of brothers struggling with their compulsive behavior in over a decade of doing this work. Never once have I spoken with a man who wanted to end his problem with porn, sex, and masturbation so he could become a worse man.

I don’t care where you come from. I don’t care whether society brands you as an outcast. I don’t care that your family thinks you’re a monster. I don’t even care that society may have accused you of doing something criminal. I don’t care what you’ve done in your past. If you’re still here standing up after being knocked down time and time again, you’re a good human being.

I get emotional every time I speak or write about this because it affects me so personally. I didn’t think I was a good person. I thought I was a bad person. I thought I was a hypocrite. I thought I was terrible. I thought that if people knew the things I watched and the things I saw, they would never want to speak to me again and that ate me up inside.

It is worse when you get caught. It is worse when you have a record. It’s worse when people who love you, whether it’s your wife, kids, family, colleagues, or people from your church, cast you aside. And it’s the worst when you cast yourself aside because of your self-deprecation and negative self-beliefs.

But you’re wrong, brother.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for every man who continues to put up a fight against his behavior. You may have done some things you don’t want to talk about, but those things don’t define you as a person. You can still make changes in your life. You’re never too far gone to come back from the dark depths of your porn addiction.

I don’t know your future but I want you to know that if you feel like you’re wasting your time, you’re not. Every attempt to quit is another opportunity to stick with it. So long as you hold onto your intention, you still have a fighting chance. Because without intention, you don’t have a damn thing. You have nothing, absolutely nothing.

But men who hang onto that intent, you’re in a better place than those who succumbed to the darkness. Hundreds of thousands of men know they have a problem but have no intention of ending it. They don’t see the issue or they see it and choose to continue acting out. You aren’t that man, though; you’re here reading this right now and you still have a chance.

Intent also lays the groundwork for improving every other aspect of your life. That was the case for me when I started my reboot journey 15 years ago, and it’s the same case today. It’s why I started working out. It’s why I started fixing my finances. I started going to meditation retreats and looking deep within to understand what was happening.

Perhaps that’s where your changed behavior begins. You could be like some of the brothers who joined us by starting in the biochemistry reboot challenge we hosted a few months ago. They focused on their fitness and that propelled them into making the necessary changes to overcome their behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation, too.

It all starts with intent, brother, and if you have that intent then you ARE a good man. It doesn’t matter what the people around you say; trust that I believe in your ultimate good nature, and so does every other brother in the Porn Reboot program. But what you do from now on is up to you. What is your next step?

We’re here if you’re ready to make a lasting change in your life. Porn Addiction Counseling Reboot is far more than anything you’ve tried before. Our system is unlike other programs. You’ll rewire your brain and rebuild your entire life in the process. Every person on our team leads with compassion. It’s at the center of who we are and what we do. The results of that are evident in the hundreds of brothers we work with each month, and we’d love to have you join us, too.

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What’s Your Biggest Fear?

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

Pornography is NOT the Problem

I believe that when a man decides to move from the pre-reboot to the early reboot stage, he does so for one of three reasons:

Love
Duty
Fear

These three forces are the primary driving factors that push us to take the action necessary to end our out-of-control behavior. We all end up here for one reason or another but 99% of the time that reason falls into one of the three categories above.

Today I want to focus on fear.

Whether it’s the primary driving force or not, most men arrive at the Porn Reboot program filled with fear. Porn accompanied you for a large portion of your life and the thought of letting it go is terrifying. What does a life without porn look like? How will you handle stress or boredom? What will you do when an urge arises?

Pornography became your main coping skill over the years. Instead of using things like the gym, reading, or meditation to work through intense emotions or experiences, you turned to porn. That means most of the major events of your life were also coupled with porn use. Every big thing in your life has the hidden shadow of pornography behind it.

If you’re still young you may not realize the full extent of this yet. However, men who show up in their forties or fifties know exactly what I’m talking about. From getting married to launching businesses to making big career moves to having children, their porn use was always quietly along for the ride.

When these men finally make it to the Porn Reboot program, they’re terrified, and rightfully so.

I had a conversation with a potential client a couple of weeks ago. He’s a very successful executive who spent many years repressing his out-of-control behavior. He never fully committed to any one program and always put work ahead of any attempt to end his behavior. He ended up on a call with one of my reboot strategists and they passed him along because they thought he could benefit from a direct call with me.

This man explained everything I just wrote about. He didn’t know how to experience anything in life, good or bad, without turning to porn. He’s in his mid-forties with multiple decades of porn addiction under his belt and no tools to handle the problem. He was paralyzed by the thought of a life without pornography, no matter how beautiful it may be.

This fear drives men to the program but also keeps them from fully engaging with the system. Working through this fear is an important part of the early stage of their reboot so they can move forward into the middle and late stages.

Another fear that brings men to the Porn Reboot program is the fear of pain. Our compulsive behaviors with porn, sex, and masturbation cause a lot of pain. They instill pain not only in our lives but the lives of those we care about whether they know it or not. Even if your wife or children aren’t aware of your porn use, they’re aware of your inability to fully engage in their lives. They’re aware that you aren’t present the majority of the time.

The pain of this reality brings men into calls with our reboot strategists every day. He doesn’t want to feel it anymore and he wants to stop causing his family pain, too. Fear of further pain is a strong motivator and can quickly push you from the pre-reboot to the early stage.

Another common fear I hear is the fear of exposure, of people finding out the truth about your behavior. Maybe you’re a pastor or youth group leader, maybe you’re an executive or C-suite employee, or maybe you’re the coach of your kid’s soccer team. No matter what level you’re at, there’s a ton of shame that comes with pornography addiction. The thought of people discovering what you do or the things you watch when you’re by yourself at night is horrifying.

This fear brings men into the program willing and ready to do just about anything to end their behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. They can’t bear the thought of bringing shame to their wife and kids because of their behavior. The possibility of tainting the name of their business or company if someone found out about their addiction brings them to their knees.

So if fear brought you to the program, what exactly is that fear? What do you worry will happen or what has already happened that you fear will get worse? Fear is a powerful tool when it comes to ending your out-of-control behavior. But fear will only get you so far.

Fear is a good way to get into the program but you must take action to ensure you stay. I’ve talked with countless terrified men who eventually returned to the shadows of their addiction because they weren’t willing to commit to the work. They didn’t want to give up certain aspects of their life necessary for a successful reboot.

Fear is a motivator but it is not enough. No external force is enough to keep you engaged in the work required for reboot success. That driving force must come from within. You must reach a point during your reboot when it becomes about quitting for you, not for anyone else. When you’re ready to move past those fears and discover what you’re capable of, that’s when you find freedom in your reboot.

So, brother, what are you afraid of and what are you going to do to move through that and immerse yourself in the Porn Reboot system?

What’s Your Biggest Fear? Read More »

Should You Surrender?

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

Should You Surrender?

I work with many men who tried to work their way through their porn addiction in a 12-step group before arriving at the Porn Reboot program. I’m not the biggest fan of these groups myself but I know some people find their solution in those rooms. I want to cover a topic today that is a big part of the 12-step approach to recovery: surrender.

Anyone who spends even a few weeks around a 12-step group will undoubtedly hear the idea that you must surrender to a higher power to overcome your addiction. The dictionary defines surrender as ceasing resistance to an enemy or opponent and submitting to their authority. 12-step groups are loosely based on Christian principles so surrendering to a higher power makes sense in that context.

The issue with surrender, though, is that a lot of men aren’t willing to do that. It’s not that they’re necessarily unwilling to surrender to a higher power; it’s that they aren’t willing to surrender at all. It’s not a part of their nature. They don’t like to submit. They won’t accept that something might be more powerful than they are, and in this case, it’s their porn addiction.

Surrender and the Porn Reboot System

I won’t tell you that you have to submit to a higher power or God or Jesus. That’s not what the Porn Reboot system is about. We aren’t a religious organization and we surely aren’t based on Christianity. That doesn’t mean the Porn Reboot system isn’t aligned with religious values; you’ll find nothing here that goes against however you choose to live your life. But it does mean that it’s accessible to any man regardless of his personal beliefs.

That being said, I do believe that surrender is necessary to overcome your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. I’m not saying you have to go to church or pray a rosary to end your porn addiction, but you do have to accept that it’s beyond your control. If you were truly able to do something about it, you wouldn’t be here reading this blog post right now, I guarantee you that.

Why Surrender is Helpful

Surrendering isn’t a bad thing in and of itself. It takes strength to surrender, to recognize when you are in over your head, and to accept that you can’t handle everything life throws at you. That’s hard to come to terms with, especially for men in the Porn Reboot program.

We have a lot of self-made men among our ranks who built massive businesses, climbed corporate ladders, and made names for themselves. Yet they were still brought to their knees by a porn addiction that they couldn’t manage to control.

Surrendering doesn’t mean you’re weak. It doesn’t mean you’ve given up. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t smart, strong, or capable. It simply means that you’re willing to recognize when you’re in over your head and are ready to accept a new approach. And that’s where the Porn Reboot system comes in.

Surrender and the Porn Reboot Program

Surrender is a big part of the Porn Reboot program. When men aren’t successful with the system, I usually find it’s because they’re unwilling to surrender in a certain area. There are three primary areas where I find surrender is necessary for success in your reboot.

Surrender to the need for a new way of living

Surrender to the fact that you need a new way to live. If your way of living was successful you wouldn’t be on my website right now reading this blog post. You wouldn’t have done the Google searches necessary to land you here. There’s something about your life that isn’t working and you know it’s true. So it’s time for you to surrender to the need for a new way of living, and you can find that path to live in the system and tools taught in Porn Reboot.

Surrender to the need for accountability

Surrender to the need for accountability. It’s hard for men to let go of the vision they have of themselves, especially when they’ve accomplished so much on their own. This might be the case for you, too. You don’t want to let go of the idea that you’re self-made. You want to believe you can figure this thing out without help. But if that were true then, again, you wouldn’t be reading this post right now. You need support. You need encouragement from men you can respect. You’ll find those things and more in the Porn Reboot groups, from the free Facebook group to the implementation group to the intensive group.

Surrender to the need for reprioritization

Surrender to the need for reprioritization. You probably have very specific ways of managing your time during the week. Trust me, I get it. I still work many 80-hour weeks to this day. But in the early phases of your reboot, you’ll probably have to rearrange some of your schedules. It’s hard to step away from work sometimes but find an hour or two during the week where you can focus completely on yourself and your reboot. These few hours per week will pay dividends in the long run.

Where Do You Need to Surrender?

So, how can you start? I want you to take some time and identify the areas where you’re refusing to surrender. Is it one of the three above? Those are the most common ones I find that hold men back but maybe something else applies to you. Maybe it’s time with your family, maybe it’s your ego, maybe it’s your fear of financial commitment.

Once you identify where you’re unwilling to surrender, face it head-on. Bring it up in the group, send me an email, or talk about it with a reboot strategist. Find someone you can share with and let them know. Putting that reason out in the open takes power away from it and puts you on the path to surrender.

Surrender is an important part of any transformation, brother. It’s not a negative thing. It’s the first step to freedom from anything holding you back and sets you on the right track to reframe your life.

Should You Surrender? Read More »

You Do You

Porn Addiction Counseling / By Automation Agency Concierge

Crafting Self-Made Laws: Finding Purpose Beyond Addiction

I know.

It sounds cliché.

“You do you!”

You see it on inspirational Instagram influencers’ pages, hear it in TedTalks, and read it in just about every self-help book you could ever pick up.

But it’s my thought for the day and it’s important so I need you to stick with me.

Sexually compulsive behavior erodes your value system over time. It deteriorates the values introduced to you and built up by your society, religion, family, culture, and so on. Many of us were exposed to pornography at a very young age so we learned feelings of shame and guilt early on. Those feelings carried into our teenage years and adulthood and have lingered ever since.

How do you put together a sturdy set of values when your perception is skewed? Where do you begin when you’re still filled with guilt and shame after losing control of one of your most basic instincts at a very young age? What do you do to establish a strong foundation and build up your values again?

A Quote From Sir Richard Francis Burton

Sir Richard Francis Burton was a British explorer who lived during the 19th century. He’s credited with discovering areas throughout Asia, Africa, and the Americas. Burton is also well-known for being a polyglot, meaning he spoke multiple languages fluently. His historical resume is impressive and did a lot of incredible things during his lifetime.

I read a biography about him one time and found a quote in the book that has stuck with me ever since:

“Do what thy manhood bids thee do, from no one but self expect applause. He noblest lives and noblest dies who makes and keeps his self-made laws.”

Now, bear in mind before you continue, Sir Richard Francis Burton was a racist. There’s no denying his awfully racist beliefs. Morally speaking, he’s nowhere close to being a role model, a mentor, or someone whose main ideas you should adhere to. But when it comes to courage, there’s a lot you can learn from him.

If you can learn to expect applause from no one but yourself, you become unstoppable. There’s no groveling for the attention or approval of others. You don’t need to look to anyone else for validation when you can validate yourself. This is the first step toward re-developing the self confidence and self-esteem that you lost long ago.

Admittedly, there are all kinds of definitions of noble. Again, it’s undeniable that Burton was a racist. His self-made laws included abhorrent beliefs about people of African descent. Still, he had a solid set of self-made laws he lived by unapologetically.

Create Your Own Laws

You have to make your own laws to live by. I don’t mean live a lawless life full of adultery and killing; those are not noble pursuits. What I mean is you need to set your own standards while you’re rebooting because you have a long way to go to get beyond average.

Men who develop pornography addiction early on fall behind as they grow up. Trying to measure yourself by the success and standards of your peers will leave you feeling less than and not good enough. And you need to move beyond the status quo, anyways. You have a lot to make up for after squandering the gift of life you’ve been given.

Men also have different ideas of what happiness and success look like. For some, having a wife and kids is the pinnacle of a well-lived life. For others, building a successful business and creating jobs is the ultimate goal to work toward. Don’t look externally for a set of standards to live by; determine them for yourself and start working toward them.

Be Wary of What Testosterone Bids You To Do

The first part of that quote is shaky ground for men who struggle with compulsive sexual behavior. You can never fight against your biology but you must be wary of what testosterone would have you do. The standards and values you develop should be far from the things that led you down the path of pornography addiction.

Run your urges through your filters and talk them over with an accountability partner. While you always need to follow your self-made laws at the end of the day, you should also be cautious when it comes to laws about your sexual behavior.

Take Honest Stock Of Your Life

Where are you at in life right now? How are you doing? Take a moment to consider this and answer honestly. If you look around and realize you’re not living a good life, it’s time to make some changes. You might be poor, lazy, or weak. Maybe you don’t feel masculine or you’re constantly envious of other men.

So ask yourself, what does your manhood bid you do?

For me, my manhood bids me work hard so I can live the life I want to and not be broke. My manhood bids me take care of my aging parents and my family. My manhood bids me work hard in the gym so I can stay strong, in shape, and have a good physique. My manhood bids me continue building a strong relationship with my long-term partner.

My manhood also bids me help men like you in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot program who are trying to overcome their out-of-control sexual behavior. My self-made laws center around helping other men out of the same predicament I found myself in all those years ago.

When I base my life around these self-made laws, I feel like I’m on the right path and heading in the right direction. I never question the way I’m going because I’ve made and am now keeping my self-made laws.

Now it’s your turn. What are your self-made laws and how do you plan to keep them? It’s time to get to work, brother. We’re in pursuit of a noble life.

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