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Secrets To Epic Sleep During Your Reboot

Porn Addiction Recovery / By
Secrets To Epic Sleep During Your Reboot

Scientists have discovered a revolutionary new treatment that makes you live longer.

It enhances your memory and makes you more creative. It makes you look more attractive. It keeps you slim and lowers your food cravings. It protects you from cancer and dementia. It wards off colds and the flu. It lowers your risk of heart attacks, stroke, and diabetes. It even helps you feel happier, less depressed, less anxious. 

Are you interested in this incredible treatment?

It’s called going to sleep.

Jokes aside, brother, sleep is vital for every aspect of your well-being. In the United States, studies estimate that we get about 6 hours of sleep per night. Most adults report struggling to get 8 to 9 hours of our recommended uninterrupted sleep. But dedicating some time to ensuring good sleep hygiene is crucial for the success of your reboot.

How Sleep Affects Your Performance

The quality of your sleep determines the quality of your life. Sleep affects the physical shape you’re in, including muscle growth and how much fat you store. Poor sleep increases cortisol and decreases growth hormones, testosterone levels, thyroid hormones, and lectin. It affects your decision-making skills, productivity, focus, impulse control, and more. 

Sleep also impacts your emotional well-being. When you’re sleep-deprived you’re more likely to be much more irritable and much less patient. You’re quicker to frustration and anger, and you’re less willing to hear out the other side of a conversation. Small stressors can easily become massive catalysts for emotional explosions when you don’t get enough sleep.

If that isn’t enough, sleep quality also affects your intelligence. Not getting enough sleep makes it harder to learn new things. You have a difficult time processing learned information and, thus, retaining new information. Your short-term memory suffers which also means your long-term memory struggles.

But getting good sleep can be a real challenge when you struggle with compulsive sexual behavior. You likely spend most of the night engaged in whichever behavior you prefer, be it porn, sex, masturbation, or whatever else. However, you can’t sacrifice your daytime responsibilities, either, so that likely means you’re operating on very few hours of sleep at any given time.

Tips To Get Good Sleep

When I struggled with my compulsive sexual behavior I tried all the sleep hacks there were. I did everything I could to function as well as possible on as little sleep as possible. But extensive research, as well as my own experience, shows that sleep hacks are not a long-term solution if you want to feel great and perform your best.

Still, I thought I was doing alright. I thought 5 or 6 hours of sleep per night was great. I didn’t realize that I was sleep-deprived. I was so used to operating at this sub-optimal level that I had no idea what I was missing out on. My lower energy levels, reduced performance, increased stress, and irritability was my normal for so long.

If you’re getting this much sleep then you’re probably in the same position whether you realize it or not. I had no idea how poorly I was performing until years later when I finally got my sleep schedule back on track. However, getting good sleep at the start of your reboot can be a real challenge. I’ve got a few tips you can try to get your sleep back on track.

1. Get sunlight in the morning.

Get outside and get some sun first thing in the morning. Try to spend at least 20 to 30 minutes in the sun in the morning, and about an hour total throughout the day. You may live somewhere like me where it isn’t sunny every day during the year, especially areas where it rains or snows frequently. So it’s even more important that you get sunlight in when you can.

2. Turn your screens off.

If you’re anything like the majority of the country, you probably fall asleep while scrolling social media or watching Netflix. This is the worst thing you can do, though. All that bright light is detrimental to your sleep quality. Try to turn your screens off at least two hours before bed. Use a pen and paper if you need to make a note of something and occupy yourself with books to wind down in the evening.

3. Your room is for sleeping and sex.

Limit the activities in your room to two things: sleeping and sex. Don’t eat in your room, don’t watch TV in your room, don’t play video games in your room. You shouldn’t have a television or computer in there, either. Bringing different activities into your bedroom makes it harder to get good sleep at night.

4. Keep your room as dark as possible.

You want your room to be as dark as possible when you’re sleeping and even during the day. Blackout curtains are a great tool to use. Take all the chargers and electronics that emit flashing lights out of your room. Limit the lights to an overhead light or a lamp with a soft glow. If you can’t keep your room this dark, consider buying a good eye mask.

5. Move workouts to earlier in the day.

Working out too close to bedtime can make it harder to get to sleep. This is especially true if you’re consuming stimulant-laden pre-workouts. Guys who go to the gym after work and take pre-workout at 5 or 6 PM find themselves wondering why they can’t fall asleep. Elevating your hormones and combining that with stimulants makes it harder to get good sleep.

6. Leave your phone outside your bedroom.

Charging your phone next to your bed makes it far more tempting to pick it up and check it before you go to sleep or first thing in the morning. It also makes it harder to avoid temptations to scroll through risky websites and apps, or even to completely relapse. Charge your phone in your kitchen or living room instead to keep the temptation at bay.

7. Get a good mattress.

Having a low-quality mattress can lead to getting poor-quality sleep. You spend almost a third of your life in bed so invest in a good mattress. Fighting against an uncomfortable bed will make it hard to sleep well. It’s much easier to get good, uninterrupted sleep when you have a comfortable mattress that’s tuned to your preferences. 

8. Set aside some time to unwind before going to sleep.

Trying to go to sleep straight from the gym or work will keep you from getting good sleep. Your cortisol levels are still too elevated if you don’t give yourself some time to relax and unwind. It’s important to set aside some time at night away from your phone and computer to de-stress before you go to sleep. Read a book, do a word puzzle, write in a journal, or practice meditation before you lay down in bed.

9. Take a hot shower before getting in bed.

Taking a hot shower or bath before bed is a great way to calm down and unwind before trying to fall asleep. It also decreases your internal body temperature which can help you fall asleep faster once you lay down.

10. Consider sleep trackers.

There are hundreds of gadgets and apps available that help you track your sleep. Understanding how long it takes you to fall asleep, how much time you spend in the REM sleep stages, and how much time you spend in deep sleep can help you adjust your daytime approaches to getting better sleep. Avoid using one directly on your phone, though, so you can continue storing it outside your room.

The Benefits of Good Sleep

Once you take control of your sleep schedule the benefits are undeniable. You’ll feel more attentive, focused, calm, collected, and present throughout the day. You’ll perform better physically and mentally. You’re going to be a better partner, colleague, and father. And you’ll feel far less tempted to slip than you do when you get poor sleep.

Taking time to ensure good sleep hygiene is crucial for men in the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot program. It isn’t easy at first but it’s well worth the work that it takes. Until you get your sleep on track, you have no idea what you’re missing. Trust me, brother; this one is worth investing in.

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Self-Image: The Final Step to Quitting Porn Addiction

How To Stop Porn Addiction / By
Self-Image: The Final Step to Quitting Porn Addiction

Over the years, I’ve done my best to simplify the Porn Reboot system as much as possible.

I find that the simpler a system is, the more effective it is. So I’ve done extensive work to ensure I eliminate unnecessary steps that distract from the core purpose of the Porn Reboot process: rewiring your brain to eliminate your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation.

The process starts with changing your habits. Habits are a great place to start but they won’t last unless you make them part of your lifestyle. That makes altering your lifestyle the second part of the process. Once you integrate positive habits into your lifestyle, you begin seeing changes in your health, relationships, and mood.

However, to ensure both your habit and lifestyle changes stick, you must address your self-image. If you continue viewing yourself as a man who uses (or used) pornography, you’ll continue struggling with the problem. Eliminating your identity as a man with a porn addiction problems is the crucial final step to the process.

How can you eliminate something that has been such a significant part of your life, though?

What is Self-Image?

Self-image is the way you view, perceive, and define yourself. It’s a generalization of your past experiences that informs how you move through the world. Your self-image influences every area of your life, such as your thinking, motivation, performance, learning abilities, and behaviors to name a few. 

There are five main components of your self-image: 

Value: the sense of your quality of life

Sexual: how you view and think about your body

Significance: how important you are to yourself, to others, and the world

Learning capabilities: understanding that you can learn anything you set your mind to

Influence: realizing you have the control to change your experience

What is your immediate response when I ask you, “Who are you?” Your answer is your self-image. Developing a positive, healthy self-image is crucial for your success in the Porn Reboot program.

Why is Self-Image Important?

Your self-image is important because it feeds your self-esteem. If you appreciate the way you see yourself then you’re going to have higher self-esteem. However, if you don’t like the way you see yourself then you’ll have lower self-esteem. Self-image also influences the choices you make, the ways you behave, and how you respond to certain situations.

Let’s say you see yourself as a man who “can’t help himself” when he sees beautiful women. Whenever you see an attractive girl, you can’t stop thinking about her and picturing her in a sexual manner. You follow this thinking down the rabbit hole and it creates an ongoing cycle.

Truth is, that’s only your self-image. It’s a story you’ve developed over the years and told yourself is true. In reality, you have the power to change this self-image and redirect your thoughts and actions to something else. Most men don’t realize this, though, so understanding the power of self-image is critical for men in the porn addiction recovery – Reboot Program.

How Can You Change Your Self-Image?

You’re not a prisoner to or a victim of your self-image. You can acknowledge and change it whenever you decide to. I have a small exercise you can use to begin shifting your self-image from something negative to something positive. You can implement this practice to help you change your thoughts, actions, and behaviors as a result.

First, I want you to write down how you feel about yourself. Get clear on the ways you think about yourself and write a clear description. Next, think about someone who cares deeply about you, such as your father, mother, brother, sister, nephew, or niece. Write how you think they see you. Imagine looking through their eyes and listening through their ears. What do they value about you and why do they care about you?

Consider the gaps between these two points of view. Your description is likely to be far more critical than your loved one’s description. Now I want you to work on bridging the gap between these two viewpoints. How can you embody the way your loved one sees you? What are some things you can do to break down the walls you’ve built and allow that positive self-image in?

This will help you recognize the importance of your existence. You’re worth far more than you tell yourself you are, and likely not for the reasons you believe. You are more than your job, your income, or your possessions. The people in your life who value you can see who and what you are capable of becoming and trust that you are heading in the right direction.

Again, you are in control of your self-image. You have the power to change your reality. You may have lost touch with it during your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation, but you can take it back whenever you choose to. And once you reclaim your power in regards to self-image, brother, you’ll be unstoppable.

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Overcoming Family Dynamics: Embrace Personal Growth

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Overcoming Family Dynamics: Embrace Personal Growth

I have another question for you today, brother. One of the men in our porn addiction recovery program which is called Porn Reboot intensive group asked:

“J.K., how do I deal with family dynamics? Most of my family is not where they want to be, or as “successful” as they want to be. How do I deal with the thought that it’s just a matter of time for me now?”

 

Family & Friends

Family is a challenge for every person in the world. They bring up very strong emotions, both good and bad. Your family has a lot to do with your success or failure in various aspects of your life, including your porn addiction counseling. This can be difficult to hear because I know a lot of men are very attached to and intertwined with their families.

The beliefs that I picked up from my family held me back for years in so many areas. My personal life, career, financial well-being, physical fitness, social aptitude, and more all struggled under the weight of the beliefs my family instilled in me.

One of the things that held me back most was that I always wanted to remain relatable and likable to family members and some close friends. I worried that if I lost those two things, my family and friends would treat me like an outcast. I carried a lot of shame and guilt for my true feelings instead of rejecting these self-imposed constraints and barriers.

 

What You Wanted

I was afraid to verbalize what I wanted. I feared pursuing the type of body I wanted, the type of woman I wanted, the type of social life I wanted. I was scared to determine where I wanted to live, how I wanted to live, the amount of money I wanted to make, and more. I was afraid to step outside the boundaries my family created for themselves and demand more from my life.

If you’re surrounded by family members who have established the same way of thinking in you, you may want to take a step back. If those family members have not arrived where they want to be, you’re not obligated to follow that same mold. You have the power to determine the changes you want to make to get where you want to go.

There are so many thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and ideas that families pass down from generation to generation. More often than not people aren’t even aware of the things they transmit to their children. You may even be doing it with your own children. Once you develop that awareness, though, it’s your responsibility to take charge of your life and make the necessary changes.

Your family and friends may push back. People who are comfortable and set in their ways often feel threatened when someone close to them decides they’ve had enough. They don’t want to honestly assess and take responsibility for their lives. They’ll project their fear and insecurity onto you and try to drag you down instead.

You have to keep pushing forward, brother. Forget family dynamics. You can want more from your life and reject the family mold while still loving them for who they are. You are not obligated to fall into the same traps they chose to fall into. You are responsible for building the life you want to live. You are the only one who can save yourself.

And who knows; you may even inspire a family member or two to step up and make changes, too.

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Telling Your Wife That You’re Turned On By Other Women

Porn Addiction Problems / By
Telling Your Wife That You’re Turned On By Other Women

Disclaimer: I do not recommend doing this.

However, it came up during a discussion in the Porn Reboot group and I think it’s important to cover it here, too.

One of our brothers said:

“I need some advice. I offended my wife by saying that it’s possible for other women to turn me on. She now thinks that I’m turned on by every woman I see. She says that she would never feel turned on by another man so the fact that I could be by another woman means I’m not committed to the relationship. How would you respond? Am I in the wrong and not committed to the relationship?”

Two things got our brother in trouble here, aside from having that discussion in the first place. First is his out-of-control behavior. Second is the language he used to describe how he feels about the other women.

Saying “turned on” means sexually aroused. And while most men feel sexually aroused by many different women outside of their relationship, overtly explaining that isn’t the best course to take. This is especially true when you struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior. You can find yourself turned on by other women you know nothing about because of the porn you watch.

Your partner probably doesn’t find herself sexually aroused by random men, though. The fact that you’re sexually aroused by random women is threatening to her. Whether it’s true or not, she likely feels like she isn’t good enough for you when she hears this.

A better way to approach the conversation (if it needs to be approached at all) is to use more intentional language. Using the phrase “attracted to” is a much more tame and acceptable way to discuss other people outside your relationship if it comes up. Everyone finds people outside their relationship attractive. After all, haven’t you ever heard of the term “hall pass”?

And even if you do find yourself turned on by other women, while it is a natural thing, it’s something you must learn to control. You can’t walk around a slave to your broken biological functioning. You destroyed your normal sexual functioning and rewired your brain to feel sexually aroused by a whole range of different women. Developing sexual control is crucial not only if you want to have a successful relationship but in every other area of your life.

You must learn to interact with women without sexualizing them. This is difficult to do after months or years of compulsive porn addiction problems use but you have to develop the skill. Porn addiction effects teaches you to view women as sexual objects but that’s not how the real world works, brother. You can’t walk around turned on by every single woman you see. 

Finding yourself immediately sexually aroused whenever you see an attractive woman is not what normal, civilized adult men do. Well-adapted men can maintain their composure around women. They don’t break down into mindless, sex-addled animals. You need to develop sexual control if you want to have a successful reboot.

Again, most women in monogamous relationships are aroused by their partner alone. Sure, they may find other men attractive. But they don’t often find themselves interested in being sexually intimate with anyone other than you, their partner.

While you might find yourself aroused by women outside your relationship, there’s no need to express this to your wife. You may be turned on by any even slightly attractive woman but it’s not an effective way to navigate life. 

Instead, you should also take time to develop sexual control and keep yourself from losing your composure around every woman you see. Being successful in our porn addiction recovery program which is the Porn Reboot is about so much more than simply quitting porn. And learning sexual control is a critical component of the process.

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My Secret To Confidently Quitting Porn

How To Stop Porn Addiction / By
My Secret To Confidently Quitting Porn

I’m going to let you in on a secret today.

Over the years, many brothers asked me something to the effect of, “When you began this journey, J.K., how did you have the confidence to believe you would end your out-of-control behavior? How did you know? It feels like there are so many things standing in my way, like I’ve tried different things but made next to no progress.”

Brothers rattle off a long list of reasons they feel they can’t control their behavior. Lacking willpower. Not having time. Managing a busy career. Caring for a large family. Having no self-respect or self-esteem. Experiencing an insatiable sex drive. Never meeting someone who has successfully overcome their behavior.

I’ve heard just about every excuse in the books yet here I stand before you more than a decade free from my porn addiction. So, what is my secret?

I defined my reboot.

Once I was beaten down to a point I could no longer handle, I knew I was done with porn and masturbation. 

I outlined exactly what I wanted my life to look like. I didn’t consider the ifs, ands, or buts. I didn’t hang out or spend time with anyone who didn’t align with this new vision for my life. I fully dedicated myself to achieving this goal and did everything I could to reach it.

I find this is something that most men who come to the Porn Reboot program have trouble with. I ask them what they want and they can’t clearly define it. Sure, they know they want to overcome their compulsive behavior. They want peace of mind. They want to stop cheating on their partner. They want to live up to their potential. They want to be more focused. But they don’t have a clear definition of what life looks like after that.

That’s like going to the ticket counter at the airport and telling the person at the counter that you want a ticket. They ask where you want a ticket to and all you say is “somewhere warm.” What is that person supposed to do? How can they give you a plane ticket when you can’t define where you want to go?

The same applies to your reboot. You may know that you can’t handle your behavior anymore but you don’t know what life looks like without it. You can’t articulate the end goal. And that’s what separates my experience from yours.

An important part of Porn Reboot is to help you clearly define your reboot. It provides a path for you to control your behavior in 90 days so you can rewire your brain and be free from porn forever. But we don’t dictate how you live your life, we only provide the tools to overcome your behavior. What your life looks like as a rebooted man is up to you. 

So how can you get there if you aren’t sure what it looks like?

I want you to sit down and write out your goal. Define the ultimate goal for your reboot and then consider whether there’s something more. Go through several iterations of it until you outline a very clear definition of what life looks like when you’ve overcome your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation.

It’s that simple.

Clearly define your reboot, commit to the process, and don’t allow anyone to derail you once you’ve made your decision. Confidence will come from your faith and trust in yourself; you don’t need anyone else to provide it for you. Surround yourself with Porn Reboot brothers when you feel unsure and keep moving forward. It will be the best choice you ever make, brother, I guarantee it.

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How To Develop Empathy As A Porn Addict

Porn Addiction Recovery / By
How To Develop Empathy As A Porn Addict

Empathy is a vital skill that you need to develop as you work through your reboot.

It’s a key emotion to work on as you develop emotional reboot capital. Empathy is something that everyone is capable of cultivating but it works just like a muscle: it atrophies if you don’t use it. However, you can also build it up with consistent training and practice.

What is Empathy?

In a nutshell, empathy is your ability to recognize and embrace another person’s point of view. It’s the practice of putting yourself in their shoes, experiencing what they’re experiencing, and understanding what they’re going through.

There are three different kinds of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate empathy. Knowing the difference between these three forms of empathy can help you create good responses depending on context. You may not need all of them at every moment but it’s useful to learn which situations require which form of empathy.

Cognitive empathy means knowing what the other person is going through. You’re able to put yourself in their shoes while maintaining some distance. For example, when someone feels hurt or ashamed you intellectually embrace what they’re going through while keeping an appropriate distance, or “staying out of the problem.”

Emotional empathy means sharing another person’s experience with them. Think about the ways people describe physical manifestations of their emotions, like a feeling in their gut or a pain in their chest. In this way, emotions are almost contagious. Emotional empathy occurs when you tap into these deep emotional experiences.

Finally, compassionate empathy is a combination of both cognitive and emotional empathy. It’s a perfectly balanced empathy that allows you to use all available information to relate to another person. It’s the most effective and emotionally intelligent way to empathize with those around you. It limits the emotional distance of cognitive empathy but lessens the intensity of emotional empathy.

Empathy vs. Sympathy

Before you can develop empathy it’s important to distinguish empathy from sympathy. While sympathy sounds like a nice characteristic, it can actually cause a lot of harm. Too many people use sympathy as a way to enable someone’s excuses. It often turns into feeling sorry for the person which keeps them stuck in the perpetual victim state.

No one can grow when they’re sitting in this position. They believe everything is happening to them, not around them. They think the world is out to do them wrong. They insist they have no power or control over the situation they’re in. And sympathizing with this type of person will only make their problems worse.

However, empathy offers a clear perspective on their situation. It allows room for understanding while leaving no room for excuses or stagnant behavior. Empathy accepts and acknowledges a person’s starting point but then holds them accountable for moving forward and taking action to change their circumstances. It shows you want the best for them.

Empathy and Accountability

Empathy is an especially important skill to develop when it comes to accountability partnerships. If you lack empathy while working with an accountability partner you limit your capability to be helpful. If you only have sympathy then you enable your partner’s poor behavior and excuses.

You’re most effective when you develop a strong sense of empathy. You can listen to your accountable partners and relate to their difficulties while still holding them to a higher standard. 

You’re in a unique position to empathize with your brothers in the porn addiction recovery program, too, because you understand exactly what they’re going through. You know how challenging it is to overcome your out-of-control behavior. At the same time, though, you also know it’s possible and can keep your brothers on track.

How Can You Develop Empathy?

Years of porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior likely destroyed your capacity for empathy. You may feel incapable of love, kindness, and understanding. If you’re in this position you’re far from alone. Many brothers share the same struggles when they first arrive at the Porn Reboot program.

Like I said earlier, though, empathy is like a muscle. While it may have atrophied over the years you can begin to build it back up through intentional practice. Developing empathy is possible as you learn to control your behavior and end your pornography addiction.

The best way to begin your practice is to start with yourself. Focus on cultivating compassion and empathy toward yourself before attempting to turn it outward. It’s like every airplane safety video you’ve ever heard: “In the event of an emergency, please affix your oxygen mask before helping others around you.”

I have a simple practice you can use to begin developing empathy. First, think about a problem you’re dealing with right now. Put that problem into words. “I’m really worried about __________. I feel __________.” Learn to identify the feelings you experience as a result of this particular situation.

Now, remind yourself that other people likely experience similar feelings during similar situations. There is always someone who understands and has gone through whatever it is you’re going through. Think about the ways you’re feeling and recognize that someone else feels the same way. Don’t you want to offer them the reassurance you’d like to feel?

Next, call to mind three to five people in your life whom you admire and respect. Consider the things they may say to encourage you through this struggle. They might tell you to be kind to yourself, to take care of yourself, to nurture yourself, to love yourself, and so on. Hear these people you care about telling you these things in your mind and begin embracing them.

Another way to develop self-compassion is to see yourself through the eyes of a loving grandparent. They’re somewhat removed from your upbringing and therefore have a more gentle view of you. While your parents deal with your every difficult attribute, your grandparents are less inclined to focus only on the negative. Try to view yourself the way your grandparents may see you.

Reach Out For Help

Developing empathy doesn’t occur in a vacuum. Sure, you may make some progress without leaning on others. But true compassion for yourself and those around you happens when you bring the practice into the real world. 

I suggest joining us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group and finding some men who are working to cultivate empathy. It’s a bunch of regular guys just like you who struggle with the same exact things. They know what you’re dealing with and can walk you through their own experiences with developing empathy.

It’s not something that happens all at once but I guarantee you it’s worth the effort. The benefits of cultivating empathy expand far outside yourself and your immediate circle; they impact everyone you come in contact with each day of your life.

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Unveiling The Truth About Suffering

Porn Addiction Problems / By
Unveiling The Truth About Suffering

I came across something on social media the other day that hit me: the topic of suffering.

When I first got into a relationship as a rebooting porn addict with serious porn addiction problems, I was scared. So scared. In fact, I had a mental breakdown at one point. I met a genuinely good woman, innocent, well-raised, feminine, beautiful, caring, and so out of my league that I was convinced God was playing a cruel trick on me.

Would I hurt her with my behavior? Could I keep my commitments? Could I, a filthy-minded porn addict who had acted out in the most disgusting ways, deserve such happiness? What if she found out about my past, the drunken weed- and porn-filled nights that I woke up from? Should I tell her? How much? And what if I lost her?

These thoughts hurdled through my mind with such intensity that I was rendered useless for weeks. While driving to work one morning I randomly and inexplicably burst into tears. I remember pulling over to a gas station, bewildered and confused, and calling my mother. I was sobbing uncontrollably out of nowhere and didn’t understand what was going on.

That relationship did a number on me. My heart literally hurt whenever I was with her during our first year together. The pressure of my shame and low self-worth crushed me from within. I went through the motions of daily life like a zombie with dread in my heart and a seemingly permanent lump in my throat.

I couldn’t handle intimacy.

I couldn’t handle someone loving me.

I wasn’t worthy.

A part of me craved intimacy while another part was terrified by its potential. I was scared of the long, four-hour calls at night. I feared cuddles and long hugs. Hand-holding was so alien to me. I remember hearing the words “I love you” on the phone for the first time and they elicited this internal reaction akin to an addict living in secrecy for years.

When sex is exclusively used for pleasure and escape from your irresponsible reality, intimacy in any form is a threat to your existence. Eventually, I became convinced that if I did not take drastic measures I was going to lose my mind.

I went on a long silent meditation retreat and what followed were the most painful days of my life. No access to the internet, no phone, no books. Just 11 days of silence and 10 hours of meditation per day.

My urges, which I thought were under control at that point, rose with a vengeance. I had wet dreams almost nightly. I woke up with panic attacks and fear so severe that I wet the bed on two occasions. All I could do was whisper to myself, “Please, God, make it stop.” 

When the sun rose each morning it was a sweet relief from my agonizing, lonely nights. But after a few hours, the sleep deprivation sunk in and all my fears gathered like a dark storm. They enveloped me almost the entire time I spent at that retreat.

I learned the true nature of pain and suffering.

Have you ever experienced a mental pain so intense that you would have one of your limbs sawed off in exchange for relief?  That’s what it felt like. That’s how painful it was during the last few days of the retreat. I slowly realized the pain was not going away, either. Not any time soon.

There was no way I could continue living with this insanity but I had to accept that it might never truly leave me. It was my hell on earth, the price I had to pay for my years of compulsive sexual behavior and running from the pain.

Something peculiar happened when I returned from the retreat, though. As I slowly accepted the insanity and suffering, I stopped resenting it. As I saw with it, it became slightly more bearable. But the moment I tried to run from it, it became intense again.

I realized that if I stopped struggling, stopped wishing it would go away, then I could manage it. It was still painful but it was bearable moment to moment. I finally experienced some relief. 

The sense of relief has grown throughout the almost 15 years that I’ve been porn-free now achieving porn addiction recovery completely. I still experience some unwelcome visits from time to time. Occasionally I have nightmares and wake up with feelings of pure terror and panic. But those are fewer and further between the more time goes by.

I know I’m not the only man who goes through this. Many men are forced through that experience of their self-made hell. I want you to know that if you’ve experienced this, or you’re in the middle of it right now, it’s okay. You don’t have to walk alone. You’ll have to do the work on your own and come to your conclusions in solitude, but I’m here to walk by your side.

I will keep you company through that landscape of irrationality, fear, dread, depression, and temporary madness. I’ll be there until you arrive at your destination of understanding. The understanding that I had to come to myself. The realization that while pain is a requirement of the human condition, suffering is only optional.

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What to Do When Others Judge Your Reboot

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
What to Do When Others Judge Your Reboot

Today’s topic comes from a brother’s question in the Porn Reboot group.

“Hey J.K., I have a question about how we share our experience in this group. I often find myself trying to explain the goals and benefits of this program without pushing them to sign up. I find some people to be pretty open-minded about what we do here but others seem to think that what I do for my reboot is excessive or even unhealthy.

“I reflect on this in my journaling, knowing that what I do is beneficial for me so it shouldn’t matter what others think. But I still sometimes find myself feeling threatened by their judgment. Do you have any tips for people who find themselves prone to insecurity caused by the judgment from their close friends?”

This is a great question because a lot of men who embark on the reboot process fall off because of the opinions of others in their life. Sometimes it’s a man whose wife thinks he’s being a little too open and vulnerable with men she sees as strangers. She would rather him talk with their pastor or a local therapist instead of work with the porn addiction recovery group.

Other times it is friends who insist that putting aside time for a reboot routine every day is too much to ask. Every man in the Porn Reboot program has a routine that consists of some combination of meditation, journaling, and reading but this is too big of a commitment in some people’s eyes. They think it’s too regimented and think you could find an easier way to accomplish the task.

Ultimately, it’s normal to experience some resistance from those around you whenever you embark on a significant path of change in your life. Oftentimes your moving forward exposes others’ unwillingness to do the same. They want to maintain the status quo and feel bad when they see you progressing.

These people try to take you down a notch as you make these positive changes. There are plenty of phrases that describe the phenomenon, too: “tall poppy syndrome” or “crabs in a barrel.” This is because it’s human nature to feel threatened when others around you are leveling up in life. People tend to bring you down instead of rising alongside you.

They Judged Me, Too

When I was 20, I realized I was a complete loser that was headed for internal destruction if I didn’t make a change. I was lazy, failing out of college, had horribly low self-esteem, and wasn’t sure I was going to survive to see 30.

I didn’t want to see my life end tragically so I decided I was going to transform every aspect of my life. Everyone who knew me, my friends and family, all of them thought I was insane. They all hassled me whenever I made another positive change.

I started lifting weights at the gym and my family told me I wasn’t built to be a buff guy, that I didn’t have the genetics for it. I started a door-to-door sales job to overcome my introversion and my friends insisted I wasn’t cut out for the job. 

I didn’t let their judgment bring me down, though. I stuck with my convictions and made a massive transformation in my life. Over time, I became stronger and looked better. I worked through my fear of talking to people and became one of the best salesmen at that company.

Despite my successes, people still gave me a hard time as I continued pushing myself to grow more. When I decided to leave my career and start the porn addiction counseling which is the Porn Reboot program, friends and family tried to convince me otherwise. They told me I was going to forever be the “porn guy” because of the power of internet search engines.

I kept pushing forward, though, and today I help hundreds of men overcome their pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior every year. The work we do here at Porn Reboot is saving lives, saving relationships, saving careers, saving families, and none of it would have been possible if I would have listened to the naysayers when I was in my 20s.

Pushing Through the Judgment

At the end of the day, judgment is part of human nature. It’s natural for people to question you when you decide to make a significant change. Part of it is the threat that comes from your growth but another is genuine concern for your wellbeing. Your loved ones don’t want you to make bad decisions. More often than not they truly care for you.

But you must continue with what you know to be true for you. If you’re facing judgment because of your reboot, trust that it will pay off in the end. Their judgment will mean nothing once you’ve gained control over your behavior with porn  addiction problems and masturbation. Nothing can replicate the feeling of overcoming that which has dictated your life for years.

It won’t always be easy to push through the judgment but it will be worth it when porn and masturbation no longer threaten everything important to you. The time your daily routine takes is nothing compared to the time your porn addiction took from you. 

If you face extensive judgment from those closest to you, lean into the Porn Reboot group. Our free Facebook group is filled with men who understand what it means to be controlled by porn and compulsive sexual behavior. They recognize the extent we need to go to so we can live normal lives. They will offer support when you feel like you have none from the people in your life. You don’t have to deal with the struggle alone, brother. We’re here for

 

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What to Do if You Missed the Hookup Stage of Your Life

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
What to Do if You Missed the Hookup Stage of Your Life

“I’m feeling sad that I missed my hookup phase. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 25 with the girl I’m still currently with. I’m now about to turn 27. This issue has been weighing on me for a while. I’m starting to realize that porn made me feel like I would still get to have sex with a variety of women. I love my girlfriend very much but there is no getting around the fact that I still want to have sex with other women. 

“I feel like I have two options. One, I can accept that she’s the only girl I will ever have sex with and potentially regret that. Or two, I could leave her in favor of living out the hookup phase that I feel like I missed out on, but I may regret that later on. I don’t want to lose her just so I can have casual sex with women that may not even be as great as I imagine.

“Will I be able to make peace with the fact that she’s the only one I will be with, or will I have to accept this unfading feeling of regret? I’m frustrated with myself for not sacking up and being with some women while I was younger, before getting into a serious relationship. Does anyone have any advice?”

This brother brings a great question to the table. It’s something lots of men who get married while young find themselves feeling once they end their out-of-control behavior. If you missed the hookup stage of your life, you likely compensated for it with porn and masturbation. But once you remove these things, you’re faced with the reality of your choices.

Ultimately, you’re the only one who can answer this question. Input from some of the brothers in the program may help but you’re the one who must live with your decision for the rest of your life. It’s useful to talk to men in similar situations and hear their experiences. However, no one is exactly like you and you need to choose for yourself.

First, I want to point out that pornography isn’t the reason you want to have sex with many women. Biology is responsible for that. Biologically speaking, you’re wired to spread your genes by fertilizing as many females as possible. Unfortunately, pornography hijacked this natural mechanism and magnified it to an unrealistic point.

Second, this brother mentions that he missed his “hookup phase.” I want to point out that there are brothers in the porn addiction recovery  group in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s who are having sex with multiple women. Your “hookup phase” is only over when you decide that it is. Our brother is only 27 – far from missing the window for having casual sex.

Personally, I don’t believe it is wrong to sleep with multiple women as long as you’re not leading anyone astray or being dishonest about your intentions. While some men see casual sex as an empty and unfulfilling engagement, I see it as the exact opposite. I never felt empty after having sex with a woman I wasn’t dating; I felt masculine, powerful, and primal.

I’ve now been in a relationship with a woman for 12 years, though, and have left my casual sex days behind. It’s not because I’m no longer attracted to other women but I was ready for the next season of my life. I made the conscious decision to let go of casual sex in favor of this next phase.

I had some time in my life when I had wild encounters with different women. It was a great time exploring myself through these different experiences. I wouldn’t trade those times for anything. But I also reached a point where I was ready to leave those escapades behind because I found a woman who was worth letting go of those casual relationships for.

No one could tell me what the right decision or right timing was. Only I could determine that for myself. Through the porn addiction counseling process, I learned what was true for me and that enabled me to make choices that I feel no regrets about.

I assure you it’s not as late as you think. There isn’t only one woman in the world who is right for you. If you believe you’ll live the rest of your life regretting not engaging with more women, take the risk and experience it. Unless you’re married with kids you likely don’t have much to lose.

If that doesn’t sit well with you, though, then coming to terms with your situation doesn’t have to be filled with regret either. Pour yourself into building a deeper relationship and a stronger sense of intimacy with your partner. It’s likely you haven’t even scratched the surface of what you can develop together.

There is no right or wrong answer to feeling like you missed the hookup phase; there is only the answer that works for your particular situation. Don’t let the opinions or judgments of others get in the way of what you know to be true for you. As you progress in your reboot, the truth will be made clear to you and you’ll know which direction to go.

Until then, brother, you can find support in the FREE Porn Reboot Facebook group. You can throw yourself into building different areas of your reboot capital. There is so much more to life than sex. You have so many opportunities and experiences awaiting you. Don’t neglect those as you wait for clarity on this one part! 

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Enhance Your Spiritual Reboot Capital

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Enhance Your Spiritual Reboot Capital

Last week I mentioned starting a small series on the concept of reboot capital. 

Just like a business needs capital to grow, your reboot needs capital to be positive and productive. There are five areas of your life where you need to build up reboot capital: 

  • Spiritual
  • Mental
  • Emotional
  • Physical
  • Social

Today I want to kick off our reboot capital series with the spiritual aspect of life. I find this area is difficult for many men in the program to come to terms with. The term “spiritual” brings to mind a certain idea of a specific brand of spirituality, one that makes lots of people bristle with discomfort and antagonism.

I can hear you now: “I’m not sure about that, J.K. I don’t think I need to worry about the spiritual side of things because I’m not a religious person.”

I’m not a religious person either, brother. I’ve always been open about that. But that doesn’t negate my belief that every person needs to connect with the spiritual side of life. I don’t mean giving up your will to a higher power. I don’t mean finding religion. I don’t mean spending hours per day in prayer. I don’t even necessarily mean meditating. Sure, all of these things may have their time and place but they’re not a requirement to develop spirituality.

The way I view spirituality is through the lens of, “Who am I and what am I here for?” Spirituality provides purpose and direction in life. I don’t just mean Christian spirituality, either. Spirituality is as straightforward as connecting with the world around you at a deeper level with greater awareness. It’s about your connection to your existence.

There are two inescapable truths in life: 

  1. Everyone will die at some point.
  2. Everyone experiences some form of tragedy or trauma at some point.

There is no way around either of those two things. You will die at some point and you will experience some tragic things that really rock you to the core of your being and make you question your existence. It may be the loss of someone close to you, loss of one of your senses, or loss of your physical, emotional, or mental wellbeing. When this tragedy eventually strikes, what are you going to lean on so you can keep going?

This is where spiritual reboot capital comes into practice. The magnitude of the world and its realities can feel crushing and impossible sometimes. But the spiritual side of life gives you meaning when it feels like there is none. You must develop spiritual reboot capital with the help of porn addiction counseling if you want to make it through these inevitable low points in life.

So, how do you develop spiritual reboot capital?

Start simple. Begin by being kind. Start being kind not only to the people you know but especially to the people you don’t. I believe kindness is the easiest path to spirituality because it requires you to do something for someone else who needs it. This is particularly when you don’t know the person and have no connection to them. They’re just another individual floating around in the world who needs some support. 

Brothers who implement this practice slowly begin to develop empathy and start to feel compassion. They begin to reconnect with emotions and feelings that have long been lost to porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior. 

It’s easy to end up in a tailspin trying to think your way into your purpose. Start by acting your way into your purpose instead. Sharing kindness with your fellow human beings is the most straightforward possible path to spirituality. It connects you with the world around you in the most intimate and important way possible.

As you develop compassion, empathy, and kindness for others, you’ll inevitably develop it for yourself as well. Those positive feelings will turn inward and you’ll feel a deeper sense of meaning and purpose in the world. 

Sharing kindness with your fellows is one of the most basic spiritual practices you can incorporate. Once you’re comfortable with this introduction practice you can start to include other things like reflective writing and meditation. The more time you dedicate to developing spiritual reboot capital the more positive you will feel. You’ll feel more connected with yourself, with others, and with the world as a whole. 

If you’re interested in connecting with other brothers and learning about the ways they build their spiritual reboot capital including porn addiction recovery programs which you can attain – join us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. We’d love to hear what you’re working on and offer some help if you’re feeling stuck. We look forward to having you, brother!

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