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There’s a great quote that’s often attributed to Malcolm X:
“That which you do not hate you learn to tolerate.”

Now I don’t know whether that’s really one of his quotes. I searched online a bit and couldn’t find anything directly connecting it to him. But that doesn’t take away from its power.

What are you currently tolerating in your life?

I see men in the Porn Reboot group tolerating all kinds of situations. I’m talking about tolerating being in a bad relationship. Tolerating poor performance at work. Tolerating depression or poverty. Tolerating friends who aren’t going anywhere or family members pulling you down. Tolerating your pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior.

You’re probably dealing with at least a few of these things but what are you doing to change it?

The number of men I see tolerating unreasonable situations in their lives is mind-boggling to me. Why are you settling? What do you get from tolerating the situations you’re in?

No wonder you’re struggling with pornography addiction.

Maybe you’re in a bad relationship. You’ve been together for a few years or had a couple kids and your partner is no longer interested in having sex with you. She’s giving you all these excuses to avoid it and it feels like you’re pulling teeth when trying to get intimate with her.

Or maybe you’re feeling directionless in life. I speak to men in their late 20s and early 30s who are still struggling to find their purpose. They’re giving up on the serious projects they start or they’re not performing in their careers.

Perhaps you’re living in a permanent state of depression. You wake up day after day feeling down, questioning the point of life, wondering what you’re supposed to be doing. There seems to be no rhyme or reason in your life and you question your existence.

But you continue tolerating the situations you’ve gotten yourself into. You do nothing to change the issues at hand. Then you turn to pornography to distract yourself from reality. You use masturbation to numb the pain of what’s going on in your life. And on the cycle goes. 

You need to quit tolerating what’s going on around you if you want to make some serious changes. You have to take control of your life and decide that enough is enough. But you won’t find the willingness to do something until you reach the breaking point.

If you’ve been around for a while, you know about my own experience with this. I was at the lowest point in my life before I finally left my pornography addiction behind for good. I woke up every morning in a deep depression day after day, asking myself why I even existed. It’s because I was tolerating multiple situations in my life.

For one, I was poor. I had very little money for a couple of years when I was younger. There were days when all I had left in my house was a box of spaghetti. The utilities were shut off from time to time. Sometimes I’d go hang out at my friends’ houses and eat whatever they had when I could. Eventually, I had become that guy who was just living off of other people. 

I also had a hard time at my job when I was working in door-to-door sales. Lots of my coworkers thought I was slow. I didn’t like showing up at the end of the day because I hated being the guy who was always at the bottom. 

Even my family who was incredibly supportive of me stopped expecting anything big for me. I was the guy at family events and gatherings who was the odd one that came out messed up. They had all accepted that I was going to do enough to just get by in life.

Still, I tolerated it for months. I didn’t do anything to change it. I would quiet the feelings of depression and anxiety with pornography and masturbation day in and day out. Until one day I hated how I felt so much that I was finally done tolerating everything. 

And that’s the point you need to reach, too.

If you’re trying to escape the reality you’ve created for yourself, you need to wake up. You have to reach a certain point where you’re finally ready to look at your life. You need to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you’re tired of the situation you’ve gotten yourself into. 

It’s time to face whatever it is you’re tolerating in your life. If it’s a bad relationship, you need to restructure that relationship or end it. If it’s sub-par performance at work, you need to talk with your boss about steps you can take to start improving yourself. If it’s simply reaching the end of your rope with your porn addiction, you need to take responsibility and make a change.

Tolerating your situation is a waste of your life. It’s settling for far less than you’re capable of achieving. Once you stop escaping your reality and find the courage to face it, you can implement a system that will change your life. There’s so much more you can achieve as soon as you decide you’re ready.

No one will tell you that rebooting is easy.

You already know how difficult it is to control your out of control behaviors. There are dozens of different ways men try to cut back on or quit watching pornography. Porn Reboot probably isn’t the first program you’ve read about before. The difference between the Porn Reboot system and the other alternatives is the effectiveness of our system.

Still, just because it’s effective doesn’t mean it’s easy. There is work involved. On the surface, men new to the program, or even those who have been around for some time, know that work will improve the quality of their lives. It will help them reach their potential, make them happier, fix their relationship issues, and more.

Despite this knowledge, though, many of us find ourselves unmotivated from time to time. We can’t seem to find the drive it takes to fulfill our reboot responsibilities some days. On the other hand, we still go to work knowing we need to make a living to pay our mortgages and buy things for our families. But we can’t apply that same understanding to our reboot at times.

Reframing Your Reboot Perspective

Overcoming your pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior doesn’t happen all at once. It doesn’t happen automatically, either. It happens slowly over time as a product of consistent, intentional action. Controlling your behavior comes from small changes implemented over days, weeks, and months. These small changes, or reboot skills, stack up as time goes on and results in rewiring your brain.

Reframing your perspective on the work involved in your reboot is one way to combat the occasional lack of motivation. Your reboot work is just as important as the work you do for your livelihood. Without it, you’re probably not performing your best at work, anyways. How can you reframe your perspective, though?

One way to look at it is you’re stacking different reboot skills. You’re building confidence and mastery in an array of areas so you can feel less depressed, become happier, and improve your life. You don’t need to look at the system as a whole on days like these. Instead, focus on the particular skill you’re working on at the moment.

What are some of the skills you need for a successful reboot?

Regulating Emotions

Emotional regulation is a key component of the Porn Reboot system. Many men watch pornography as a way to numb out or avoid emotions. As you start on your reboot, you start feeling these emotions you spent years avoiding. It’s easy to let these feelings advance into extremes, though. Sadness becomes depression, frustration becomes rage, and so on.

You can’t let these emotions grow out of control and get the best of you, though. You’ll feel tempted to turn back to your old behaviors when these emotions rise up. Slips and relapses happen when men don’t learn to control their emotional natures. Learning to regulate your emotional responses is necessary for a successful reboot. 

Dialoguing

Dialoguing is what I call having a conversation with your “addict mind.” This is that part of your brain that’s active when you’re at the start of a relapse. It tries to convince you that you can deactivate the filter on your phone or computer to watch “just one” scene. Your addict mind insists that this will be the “last time” over and over again.

Learning to dialogue with that inner addict and talk yourself through to the end result is an important skill. You have to learn to play the tape out and realize that nothing good comes from this inner voice. Stacking other reboot skills helps you quiet that voice over time, too.

Controlling Self-Talk

Self-talk and dialoguing are two different things. While dialoguing talks to your inner addict, self-talk refers to the ways you talk to yourself throughout the day. It’s those negative thoughts and attitudes that judge not only yourself but those around you, too. Self-talk is the thing at play when you’re having imaginary conversations with people, coming up with the perfect response.

Controlling your self-talk is crucial. It’s easy to start your day out with some negative self-talk that ends up taking over your morning then steamrolling your entire day. Learning to stop these negative thought patterns is an important reboot skill to have. 

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is imperative if you want to be successful in your reboot. They’re one of the more difficult reboot skills to acquire, though. It takes time to determine your boundaries. You learn more about your triggers and sticking points the longer you practice your reboot skills then set limits for yourself based on what you find.

For example, a common boundary for many men is setting up filters on their electronic devices to block any tempting sites. Others have boundaries with the amount they drink to avoid lowering their inhibitions too far. Over time you’ll learn which areas are troublesome for you and create boundaries to control their impact.

Finding Accountability

Accountability is one of the most important reboot skills available to you. It’s almost impossible to control your out of control behaviors on your own. You spent years isolating yourself and keeping your behaviors a secret. Trying to control them in the same way is only setting yourself up for failure.

You need accountability in your reboot. Using your girlfriend as your accountability partner is a bad idea, though. You need someone neutral who realizes the severity of your problem but won’t judge you as you work through it. You might find accountability from a trusted friend or therapist. Others look for it in 12-step groups or other recovery support meetings. 

You can also find accountability in the Porn Reboot Facebook group. We’re a group made up of thousands of men who know the pain that out of control sexual behaviors causes. We work individually and together to overcome our compulsive sexuality and pornography addiction. And we’re here to support you during your reboot, too.
Understanding the skills required for a successful reboot is crucial but finding a group to hold you accountable helps it stick. Which skill are you currently working on? Join us in the Porn Reboot group and let us know where you’re at!

Motivation is an important topic to talk about when you’re working on your reboot. I often hear from guys in the program who reach out and say, “Hey J.K., I’ve been doing pretty well but I just feel like I don’t have any motivation to keep going.” These aren’t guys who are rationalizing or justifying, they don’t want to slip, they’ve just lost their drive.

Motivation during your reboot is going to come and go. You’re not going to feel motivated to wake up for your recovery time, go to the gym, and have a strong day at work every single day. It’s going to feel harder to find the inclination to put in the work that needs to happen.

Men who express this feeling know their reboot is important. They know they need to control their behavior. They know their marriage, their business, their career is potentially at risk, but they just lose the desire to care. 

You might be experiencing this right now yourself as we head into the second month of the year. A lot of men experience slips towards the end of the year and start out the new year with renewed, recommitted enthusiasm. As time passes, though, the motivation wanes again.

You still need to continue with the habits, rituals, and skills you established at the start of your reboot. Motivation is not going to be there every day. You’re going to wake up some mornings and not want to do the work you need to do. But remaining committed to your routine will carry you through those days that the motivation to reboot isn’t there.

External Motivation Doesn’t Last

When the loss of motivation arises, a lot of men start looking for it from external sources. They go watch a video, listen to podcast episodes, or connect with other men in their online community. These things might offer some temporary motivation but successful rebooters understand that it doesn’t last.

One of the greatest things that separate the successful rebooter from other men is their commitment to their positive habits. Successful rebooters stick to their routine whether they feel like it or not. Whether it’s fear, duty, or love that causes him to stick with it, he knows that the space for error is very small. If he doesn’t stick to his habits, he knows a slip is inevitable. 

I’ve heard every excuse and alternative solution you could come up with. 

“I just need to get on a call with you, J.K.”

“I’m going to reach out to the guys in the Porn Reboot group.”

“I’ll meet up with my therapist for an extra session this week.”

“There’s a 12-stem meeting that meets tonight. I’m sure that will help.”

They might help you for an hour or two, or maybe even a few days, but they’re not going to last. External motivation isn’t strong enough to keep you going in your reboot. You must develop the habits and routine that will carry through the days that your motivation just isn’t there. 

Building the Right Habits

How can you build the habits you need to stick with your reboot? That’s what I cover here in the Porn Reboot blog. I also have a podcast you can subscribe to, a YouTube channel you can find me at, and the Porn Reboot Facebook group where we have an entire community of rebooters.

Men who spend time engaged in the Porn Reboot group realize their healthy habits become ingrained after a while. They don’t think about taking action; they just do it. Spend some time looking through the resources we have here and implement the system in your own life. 

Join us here at Porn Reboot to discover how you can finally take back control of your out of control behaviors. Motivation will come and go but the Porn Reboot system will carry you through those lulls! 

Now that it’s officially a month into the new year, how are you progressing on your New Year’s resolutions?

It’s almost expected that New Year’s resolutions don’t come to fruition. 80% of the people who set one give up on it by the end of February. Are you veering towards being a part of that massive statistic that doesn’t follow through?

Before you read any further, I’ve got a free gift I want to give you that will help you get back on track or stay on track with your resolutions. It’s a resource I first created in 2018 with the help of a mentor of mine. I want to share it with you today so go ahead and download the PDF now. It’ll offer some guidance as you continue with or reframe your goals for 2021.

Today I’m going to explain five common mistakes I see when people set their goals for the year. I offered some advice in January that hopefully helped you stay on track so far. You might have started slipping on your resolutions, though, now is the time to step it up. If any of these apply to the goals you set, make some adjustments and keep moving forward.

1. Setting goals with no real direction

Most people set their goals with very little intention or direction behind them. They sit down to plan out their resolutions but don’t have any concrete idea of what they want to achieve. Men like you and I need direction in our lives and it’s no different when we’re setting our goals. You need to make sure you’re creating goals that have real purpose and substance.

2. Only setting one type of goal

How many resolutions did you set for the year? Of those resolutions, how many of them only focus on one area of your life? I see this all the time when I’m talking with men in the Porn Reboot group. Some tell me that their goal for the year is to have a certain number of days off pornography. Others say they want to double their income. Many want to improve their relationship. But they only set a single goal. You need to avoid a one-track mind and set goals in different areas of your life. 

3. Setting arbitrary, calendar-based goals

Some men set their goals because they feel forced to do so. They’re outlining resolutions because it’s the thing to do when the new year rolls around but they’re not committed to them. Resolutions feel like homework assignments when you approach them this way. You won’t feel driven to complete them. Look at your long-term goals instead and see whether your resolutions for 2021 fit into and support these plans. If they don’t, make some adjustments or set new ones.

4. Not sharing your goals with those closest to you

Too many men keep their goals to themselves and don’t share them with anyone in their circle. Sharing your goals is crucial if you want to achieve them. It adds accountability and places a positive sense of pressure on you to achieve what you set out to do. You don’t need to tell every person you know about your goals but you should at least share them with some of the people closest to you. This could be your partner, your best friend, or your business partner, but share them with at least one other person in your life.

5. Not knowing how to build momentum toward your goals

Too many people set goals without knowing how to build the momentum needed to achieve them. It’s easy to get distracted by the analysis paralysis phenomenon when you’re pursuing your goals. Thankfully this is the easiest mistake on the list to correct. The resource I offered above shows you how to create an action plan and set up a routine that creates forward movement. Long-term success relies on the small actions you take each day to reach your goals!

Let Us Know Where You’re At

If you set out alone this year and you’re struggling to stick with your goals, join us in the Porn Reboot group. We offer support and guidance to each other as we work to control our out of control behaviors. Let us know how you’re doing with your resolutions so far and find out where other men are at with theirs. Find the accountability and structure you need from men who understand the specific struggle you’re going through in the Porn Reboot group today.

Today marks the final post in our series on tips for high performers working on their Porn Reboot. We’ve covered things that hinder high performers when they’re starting out and how you as a higher performer can set yourself up for reboot success. If this is your first time hearing about the series, you can find the previous posts below:

• Mindset Beats Strategy
• You Are Your Biggest Investment
• 3 Mistakes High Performers Make
• Standards Beat Schedules

Whether you’re a high performer looking to find out what’s blocking you, or a regular guy working hard to become a high performer, you’re in the right place. Every man can overcome their pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behaviors as long as they have the right system in place. 

If you haven’t already, read the four posts above before reading through these last three reboot tips for high performers. It’ll outline everything you need to know to implement the final suggestions I have today. Once you’re caught up on the series you’re ready to dive into today’s post.

1. Routine

Setting up and sticking to a routine is the key to your success. You need to commit to your routine, especially as a high-performing individual. Your schedule is probably changing constantly but your routine needs to be a non-negotiable part of your life. 

This starts by setting aside a time when you outline your intentions and establish your schedule for the week. For example, every Sunday evening I look at my plans for the week, and figure out how I’m going to hit my daily standards. These standards include my daily recovery time, work, exercise, diet, and time spent with my loved ones.

Success in your reboot relies on being as prepared as possible. Preparation is especially crucial for high-performance men who have a dynamic schedule every week. You don’t want to find yourself in a situation that leaves you vulnerable to a slip or relapse.

Setting your routine for the week ahead of time is key to ensuring you’re ready. Having a routine doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing the same thing at the same time week after week. This isn’t really possible for high performers whose schedules shift regularly. Your routine should be a set of actions, like those I talked about above, that you’re committed to carrying out each day. 

You also need to spend some time reflecting on the previous week. As you’re planning for the upcoming week, consider how your plan for the past week went. What parts did you stick to? Did you get in your recovery time each day? Where is there room for improvement? Take your findings and apply them to your schedule in the upcoming week.

2. Systems

If you’ve been around for a while, you’re familiar with the necessity of a system here at Porn Reboot. Your success relies on the strength of the system you’ve implemented. Systems work when it comes to your reboot because they’re a set of actions and standards that stay the same. They’re consistent, predictable, and reliable. They work time after time no matter what.

Have you implemented the Porn Reboot system in your life yet? If not, what does your current system look like? How is it working for you? If you’re stuck in a cycle of slips and relapses, it might be time to find a new system that’s more effective.

Effective systems come with calculable results you can expect to see when you implement them. That’s what makes the Porn Reboot system such a popular system. It works for every man who’s willing to do the work it takes to carry out day after day, month after month, year after year. 

High-performance men need a high-performance system if they want to be successful. The Porn Reboot system is clear, concise, and straightforward. There are no frills, no speculations, and nothing that can’t be applied directly to your life today. It works with your brain and your biology to teach you to control your out-of-control sexual behaviors.

3. Accountability

Your routine and system are the building blocks for a successful reboot. But trying to go it alone without support from others is a lonely and tempting road. It leaves you open to making poor decisions that set you back in your reboot.

Finding a community to hold you accountable is my final tip for high performers. Your compulsive sexual behaviors likely kept you isolated and on your own for years. You can’t be successful in your reboot if you try to do it on your own, though. Accountability is vital for long-term reboot success. 

It’s common for high performers to spend their time in solitude and trust only themselves. But when you’re trying to control your out of control behavior, you need to lean on a community that understands what you’re battling with. 

The Porn Reboot community is a strong group of men who know the challenges of porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. We’ve been trapped in the cycle ourselves and have found a way out that works for all of us. We build one another up and hold each other accountable. 

Porn Reboot isn’t only about quitting porn and controlling your behavior. It’s about overcoming everything holding you back in life. Everyone in the group pushes each other to become the best version of ourselves that we can. Even high performers need support on this path to surpass their potential.
If you’re ready to commit to making a change in your life, join us. Start out by reading through some of the blog posts, browsing the YouTube channel, and becoming a member of the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. There’s hope for you, no matter what’s held you back in the past. Your path to freedom is right before your eyes.

Welcome back to the series on tips for high performers starting out on their Porn Reboot journey. If this is your first time joining us, you can find the other sections of the series below: 

• Mindset Beats Strategy
• You Are Your Biggest Investment
• 3 Mistakes High Performers Make
• Routine, Systems, and Accountability

So far in our Tips for High Performers series, we’ve outlined a clear path for our high performing members to follow. Men who are high performers tend to struggle when they start their reboot because they’re accustomed to performing well. They’re used to rising to meet the challenges in their life and exceeding expectations. 

Then they find themselves stumped when they realize applying that same drive isn’t enough to overcome their out of control sexual behaviors. It’s frustrating to come to terms with and many times they put off working through their compulsions. Things they’re successful with are the priority; dealing with their reboot has to come later.

Hopefully, I’ve made it clear that until you learn to control the problem, you’re not performing to the best of your abilities. Your porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior draw attention and energy away from other areas of your life whether you realize it or not.

Success in your reboot starts with resetting your mindset and accepting that you are your biggest investment. Then you need to understand the things that hold high performers back from making progress. Now I’m going to share some strategies you can apply as you start on this next attempt at your reboot.

Start By Asking Yourself Some Questions

High performing men do everything they can to work through a problem themselves before seeking outside help. Most men who join the Porn Reboot group have tried other methods before and I bet that’s the case for you, too. You’ve attempted NoFap, you’ve practiced semen retention, you’ve maybe even seen a therapist or joined a 12-step program.

This might not be the only place you get your porn addiction recovery information from. Perhaps you read other blogs, listen to another podcast, or watch videos from different coaches. Still, you’re having trouble finding a solution to your problem. Before you can implement the strategies I’m about to offer, though, you need to ask yourself a few questions.

1. Is your strategy enjoyable enough that you can continue doing it for years?

If you’re a high-performing man, I’m assuming you have at least some type of strategy in place or you’ve tried one before. I know that was the case for me prior to developing the Porn Reboot system I use in my life today. There were plenty of methodologies I tried before that not only weren’t effective but also weren’t enjoyable.

You’re going to give up on a strategy that isn’t enjoyable. Implementing an effective strategy won’t be an easy thing to do but it should still be at least somewhat enjoyable. Your long-term success depends on finding a strategy you can implement for the years to come.

2. Is your strategy effective even when your schedule is packed or unpredictable?

One of the things high-performance men struggle with is overanalyzing. You’re oftentimes too smart for your own good. This tends to translate into spending time looking for the perfect, most scientific, most proven strategy. It doesn’t matter how researched or proven that strategy is if it’s not going to accommodate your high-demand schedule, though. 

This is crucial to understand. Just because a strategy is scientifically proven doesn’t mean that it’s going to work for you. Strategies that are effective only under a certain set of circumstances aren’t going to be effective for high-performance men. Your schedule is packed and your days are busy so your strategy needs to produce results no matter what’s going on.

3. Can you execute your strategy anywhere at any time and still get the same successful results?

This is the most important question for high-performance men. It’s great if you found a strategy that works while you’re at home. Let’s say you’re on a business trip spending the night in a hotel room, will your strategy work then? In order for it to be effective, it needs to work no matter where you are.

Now that you have a clear picture of the current strategy you’re working with, you can see which areas need some work. The following strategies I’m going to outline will give you some things to apply as you make adjustments to your approach.

Standards Beat Schedule

I’ve said before that your schedule is your lifeline. It’s a crucial component of the reboot process. Schedules instill a sense of discipline and routine that are necessary if you want to be successful in your reboot.

The thing is, high-performance individuals already know this. You wouldn’t be successful if you didn’t implement a schedule into your life. There is no way you could fulfill all your responsibilities without creating and adhering to your schedule.

Problems arise for high performers when their reboot schedule interferes with their existing schedule. For example, I’ve talked before about the importance of a morning routine, or what I like to call “recovery time.” It’s the time I set aside every morning for self-reflection. It’s a vital part of my reboot and something that every man in the Porn Reboot group prioritizes.

High performing men oftentimes find their existing busy schedule gets in the way of their recovery time. Maybe you can commit to Monday and Thursday mornings but on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays you have important business calls. Or you might convince yourself it’s okay to skip your recovery time the morning after a late night in the office.

You’re going to fail every time if you hold onto this mindset. Your reboot standards must come before your existing schedule. You have to prioritize your reboot if you want to be successful in the long run, the same way you prioritize the things you perform well right now.

Setting Up Standards in My Life

Tony Robbins says it best: 

“The level of results we get in our lives is a byproduct of the standards we hold ourselves to.”

I struggled with my ever-changing schedule for years when I was early in my reboot. I constantly put work before my reboot which led to slips and relapses time and time again. When I finally admitted to myself the standard I needed to operate at, I found I could be more creative with my schedule to make it happen.

I made my morning recovery time the priority then arranged my schedule to fit around it. I committed to a full 90-minute routine four times a week. It didn’t matter what happened. Come hell or high water I stuck with my standards and I do that to this day. The results didn’t stick until I got clear on my standards and made the necessary adjustments.

To keep myself focused on my reboot, I have a shorter morning routine on the three remaining days of the week. I keep this routine between 20 and 30 minutes. Some days I have more to fit into my schedule so I’ll use my shorter routine but I’ll move my full morning routine to another day.

Let’s say I do a full routine on Monday but I’m not able to do it again until Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Tuesday through Thursday I’ll use my shorter version then make sure that I commit to the full 90 minutes Friday through Sunday.

Commit to Your Reboot Standards

It was only when I started to consistently commit to my morning recovery routine that I started to see results. You can have the perfect reboot system but if your schedule gets in the way every week, you’re never going to get the results you want.

For today’s action step, I want you to write out the standard that you’ll commit to every week for your morning recovery time. I understand that you’re busy and you have a lot to manage, but you need to commit to a standard if you want to be successful in your reboot. Decide how many mornings you’ll commit to a full routine and fill the remaining days with a shorter routine.

If you haven’t already, join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group and let us know more about the standards you’ve set. Find support from brothers who understand your struggle and offer support to those newer than you. We’re in this together.

Today I’m continuing the series on my tips for high-performance rebooters. If you’re just joining in, a high-performance individual is someone who achieves exceedingly better results in different areas of his life. This could be in his business, career, family, health, or any other aspect of his life. 

High-performance individuals are successful in many areas but find they struggle with their compulsive sexual behavior. When it comes to rebooting, high performers tend to find themselves stuck. Since we have a lot of these men in our group, focusing on tips for high performers is important.

It’s also important to note that you might not feel like a high performer right now when you’re starting your reboot. You might not even qualify as a high-performance individual. Maybe you’re more of a Type B guy and struggling to control your behavior. That’s okay – that’s where I was when I started out too.

Over time, both high performers and Type B guys alike can regain control of their out of control behaviors. Each group can also outstrip their past performance and become a better, more successful version of themselves. That’s what we work together to do in the Porn Reboot group. 

So far I’ve discussed putting mindset before strategy and realizing that you’re your biggest investment. Today I’m going to pivot slightly and talk about 3 mistakes that high-performance rebooters make. Understanding your mistakes is a crucial part of not making the same error moving forward. 

1. Setting ambiguous reboot goals

Think about the goals you set for your business or for yourself in your career. I get on calls every single day with guys who are very clear and specific when it comes to goals in these areas.

“I’m going to grow by 40% this year.”

“I want to do $50,000 in sales this week.”

“I will take home a check for $15,000 this month.”

But when I ask them about their reboot goals, they give me half-baked, ambiguous answers.

“I just want to understand the root cause.”

“I want to stop using porn, masturbation, and orgasms to medicate my emotions.”

“I want to perform normally in bed.”

Those are not specific goals. You would never let that type of goal fly in business or in your career, right? Think about it. If you had a sales rep tell you that he’s going to “make more money” this week, you’d push them to make that goal more specific. 

If you keep setting ambiguous goals, you’re going to continue getting poor results. You’ll keep slipping and relapsing. Take the same drive for success that you use when setting business goals and apply them to your reboot goals. 

2. Having a clear goal but no set timeline

Another mistake I see from high-performance rebooters is creating a clear goal but not applying a timeline. You might have clarified what you plan to work on but you avoid setting a timeframe during which you’ll achieve it.

I want to clarify that I’m not talking about counting days. I’ve gotten into my opinions on counting days before and I’m not a big supporter of it. I don’t get behind approaches like NoFap or 90 Days because they’re short-term fixes, not long-term solutions.

Setting a timeline for your goals doesn’t mean setting out to reach 30, 60, or 90 days porn-free. Doing that only sets an unrealistic expectation for how you’re going to feel once you reach that mark. When you realize you don’t feel any different after only cutting out porn, you’re going to go back to what you were doing.

What you can do instead is set a goal and attach a period of time to it. For example, you could set a goal of having sex with a full erection once this month, 9 times in the next 3 months, and 24 times in the next 6 months. That’s a clear, measurable goal to achieve within a defined period of time that has nothing to do with counting days.

3. Lacking leverage for your goals

If you lack leverage for your goals, you’re going to give up on them sooner or later. You need to have a clear understanding of why your goal really matters. The deeper your understanding of its importance, the more committed you are to achieving it.

Remember: the Porn Reboot system is about more than controlling your out of control behaviors. It’s about becoming the best man you can possibly be. It’s one thing to stop watching pornography or to have sex with your wife more often. But it’s another thing to also become a person who is filled with passion, has elevated standards, and is wildly fulfilled in life.

Having leverage for your goals keeps you feeling inspired and driven to work toward them. The work ethic and consistency you develop as you work on your goals carry into every other area. These qualities will secure your position as a high performer in your business, your career, your family, and your life.

A few days ago I wrote the first post in a series I’m calling the Tips for High Performers. As I explained before, the Porn Reboot group is filled with high-performing men. Whether that’s in their careers, their businesses, their relationships, or their families, they settle for nothing less than their best. They’re the type of people you look toward when you need something done.

High performers are successful at nearly everything they set their minds to. But when it comes to their out of control sexual behavior they find themselves baffled. They’re trapped by their pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behaviors. They find it nearly impossible to quit no matter what they try.

These tips for high performers will walk you through the first steps of controlling your out of control behaviors as a high performer. First, I wrote about the importance of addressing your mindset before strategy. Controlling your out of control behavior is possible but requires a complete overhaul of your mindset. 

Today, I’m going to explain why you are your biggest investment. High performers understand this in many areas but it gets complicated when it comes to sexual behavior. I’m going to help clear up your confusion.

Overcoming Excuses

High performing men have a lot going on in their lives. No matter what point you’re at in life, whether you’re single or in a committed relationship, raising children or you’re in an empty nest, you have a lot on your plate. There’s always someone to talk to, something to handle, and somewhere to be.

Taking the time to control your out of control behavior might feel like a lower priority at the moment. Men find any number of excuses for why they can’t put their energy into focusing on their compulsive sexual problems. Believe me – if you’re thinking of an excuse right now I’ve probably already heard it at least twice.

“I’m working on my business right now, JK. It’s taking everything I’ve got to keep it moving forward after this last year.”

“I’m focused on losing weight and getting my health back in check right now. Going to the gym and meal prepping is where my energy is going.”

“I’m trying to fix my relationship at the moment. We’re on thin ice and I’m doing all I can to hold things together.”

You can come up with all kinds of excuses to avoid taking on your out of control behaviors. But whether you realize it or not, your out of control behavior is holding you back in every area of your life. Why won’t you focus on fixing the problem once and for all?

If you’re a high performer you already know that you’re your biggest investment. But you probably haven’t accepted that overcoming your out of control behavior should be the biggest priority in your life.

Prioritizing Your Porn Reboot

So long as you’re trapped in the cycle of compulsive sexual behavior and porn addiction, you’re not at peak performance. You might look like you’re living the dream from the outside looking in. You’ve got a seven-figure business, a stunning wife, and a few incredible kids. You’re successful by every stretch of the imagination.

But you’re hiding an addiction that’s quietly eating you away behind closed doors.

Your compulsive sexual behaviors affect the other areas of your life, even if no one knows about them. They take time, attention, finances, and energy away from other things that are important to you. Even if it seems like you’re a high performer by every definition of the word, you could be at an even higher level once you control your behaviors.

Why shouldn’t you prioritize your reboot?

Some men feel they need to trade their control over their behaviors for success but they’re wrong. In reality, your control over your sexual behavior is the catalyst to the next level of success. If you’ve struggled with this for years, controlling your behavior is going to change everything.

You Become the ROI

High performing business and career men are focused on the bottom line, the return on investment. Everything in business is about ROI at the end of the day. Controlling your reboot operates on the same principle.

Sure, implementing a system to control your behavior takes time, practice, focus, and energy. It’s not going to go away at the flip of a switch. You’re going to have to commit to and work for it. But the return you receive on your investment will be worth every minute you’ve spent working on your reboot.

You become the ROI when you choose to focus on your reboot. You are your biggest investment because removing these compulsions from your life improves your focus in the other areas of your life. When you work on yourself, your energy, and your mind, you transform the environment around you as a result. All ships rise with the tide.

Success is Due to Healthy Living

“High performance requires habits that protect your well-being, that maintain positive relationships, and ensure that you serve others as you climb. You simply can’t beat the norms if you’ve driven yourself into the ground.” – Brendan Burchard

Whether or not you’re a fan, Brendan Burchard is on point with this quote. Plenty of people can achieve short-term success. All it takes is some energy and discipline for a defined period of time to build something great. 

Sustaining high-performing success is a completely different story. If you’ve driven yourself into the ground, you can’t maintain your success. You need to develop a healthy approach to living if you want to continue being a high performer in the years ahead. 

There’s an important caveat, though. Right now you might view success through the lens of business, career, or finances. But healthy living isn’t just about achieving a certain number in your bank account or investment portfolios. Healthy living means seeking balance in all areas of your life while still pursuing success.

When you control your sexual behavior, you’re going to build wealth. But you’re not only going to build wealth in terms of your business or career; you’re going to build wealth in your friendships, wealth in the depth of your intimacy, wealth in your relationship with your kids.

You’re Your Biggest Investment

Everyone benefits when you commit to the knowledge that you’re your biggest investment. The positive effects of overcoming your compulsive sexual behaviors affect your family, friends, colleagues, business partners, and even acquaintances. As you work on becoming your best self, that positive mindset radiates out to every person you come in contact with.

So how can you move forward with this understanding?

Tell yourself right now that your reboot, along with the resulting control over your sexual behavior, is equal to your wealth in every area of your life. As your action step for this tip, I want you to commit the following phrase to memory over the next few days:  “When I work on my reboot, everything works itself out.”

Join the Porn Reboot group on Facebook and let us know where you’re at in your reboot. Get in the middle of the group, seek support for yourself, and offer support to your brothers as well. As always, brothers, we’re in this struggle together as we work toward becoming the best version of ourselves.

Many of the men in our Porn Reboot group are high-performance individuals. These men are high performers in a variety of ways, whether it’s in their professional career, the business they ruin, their fitness performance, or their marriage. The difference between a high-performance individual and everyone else is their ability to out-perform others their age.

I focus a lot on high-performance individuals because they make up a large portion of my group. They are successful in various areas of their lives because they’re determined and driven to do well. They’re men who refuse to settle for anything less than greatness. 

This is why they arrive in the Porn Reboot group so confused and disheartened. They’re high performers in many other areas of their life but when it comes to their out of control behavior they have very little success on their own. Their compulsive behaviors hold them back from achieving their full potential.

Some men have the ability to be high performers but aren’t able to reach that level because of their behaviors. That’s not to say they can never become high-performance individuals. Until they learn to control their out of control behaviors, though, they’ll continue to come up short.

You might be one of these high performers and finding yourself at a loss. Or maybe your performance has suffered as a result of your masturbation and porn addiction. You’ve tried various ways of controlling your behavior but failed every time. How can you finally regain control over your compulsive behaviors and focus on becoming the best version of yourself?

That’s what I want to cover over the next few posts. These tips for high performers, or potential high performers, will get you on the right track to success.

First of all, mindset is the foundational aspect of success for high performing individuals. If you don’t have a strong mindset, your performance will suffer. No strategy is going to be effective if you can’t get a grip on your mind. What can you do to structure your mindset before implementing a strategy?

Notice Your Priorities

How do you speak to yourself about your sexual behavior? Pay attention to your thinking. These thoughts are going to guide the questions you ask and the things you tell yourself. For instance, many men tell me their reboot is the number one priority in their life. That’s what everybody says.

Now pay attention to whether your actions back that up or not. Have you truly made the necessary changes in your life to be successful? Do you put your reboot ahead of everything else in your life? Truth is, there’s probably at least one thing you’re prioritizing over your reboot if you’re a high-performance individual.

For example, do you think you can control your behaviors by going to meetings and seeing a therapist once a week? Can you really overcome a compulsive behavior that’s taken years to settle in with a few weekly engagements? Get honest with yourself.

If you want to quit your masturbation and porn addiction, you need to prioritize your reboot before anything else. It means getting up and doing your morning routine instead of sleeping in. It means going to the gym when you’d rather stay home and chill out. There are times when work engagements are going to arise and really put you to the test. 

Shift From an “Either/Or” Mentality to an “And” Mentality

The biggest test of all is learning to shift from an “either/or” mentality to an “and” mentality. There comes a point in your recovery where you need to learn to balance your engagements with your reboot. 

You can’t go the rest of your life skipping business trips and networking events because it puts your reboot at risk. But you also can’t put your business interests ahead of your reboot. It’s not an “either/or” situation, it’s an “and” situation. You need to learn how to maintain your reboot AND attend to your business responsibilities. 

It’s a subtle shift in thinking but it’s an important one if you plan to be successful in your reboot. How can you shift from one to the other, though? I’m going to leave you with a reboot action step at the end of each of these high-performer strategy posts.

You need to ask yourself this question, “How can I have the best control over my sexual behavior in my life AND have the best year in business or my career at the same time?”

I want you to write this down. How can you have both of these things at the same time while understanding you need to devote a certain amount of time to your reboot. 

The next question you need to ask yourself is, “What strategies do I need to learn to control my sexual behavior while building my business or career?”

The final question is, “Who do I admire that has discipline, success, and sexual control, and how can I model them?”

There are plenty of entrepreneurs, influencers, and celebrities open about their struggles with their sexual behaviors. Find one of these men who you look up to and write out the ways you can achieve their same level of success. What strategies will you use to get there? How can you adjust your mindset to be successful with those strategies?

Join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group and let us know how you’re going to shift your mindset to align with a high-performance mindset. There’s a whole group of us working to become the best men we can be and we’d love to have you join us.

When you first start out on your reboot, you’re going to be dealing with at least some performance anxiety. You’ve flooded your brain with dopamine from porn for so long that getting and maintaining an erection will be challenging from time to time. Performance anxiety is overwhelming and difficult to deal with, but it’s a part of the process. There are a few things you can do to minimize the time you spend dealing with it.

My Experiences with Performance Anxiety

I’ll start out by sharing one of my own experiences with you. One night when I was in college and still struggling with my out of control behavior, I was out with some friends at the bar. I saw this beautiful Brazilian girl there who was on one of the sports teams at my school. We got to dancing together and even made out a little bit.

At the end of the night, I suggested continuing at her place. We headed back to her house and were going to have sex but then I couldn’t perform. As beautiful as she was, as much as I desired her, I couldn’t get an erection. I had this gorgeous woman in front of me and nothing was happening.

I managed to get a little bit of an erection when I started thinking about scenes from pornography but couldn’t even maintain that. I felt terrible. I wasn’t only anxious that I couldn’t follow through but I was also worried about her judging me. This was an awful, embarrassing, and frankly a pathetic situation to be in.

Your Own Performance Anxiety

So how many times have you found yourself in a situation like that? It could have been with your wife, your girlfriend, or even some woman you tried to hook up with. It’s something I struggled with and carried for many years. It eventually prevented me from really even getting close to women I was attracted to because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to perform. 

Over time, this leads you to throw away many opportunities. You start to create a lot of issues for yourself. There are women you meet who you’re interested in but you’ll likely sabotage it. You look at it thinking, “What’s the point of moving this forward? Despite anything I’ve done, even though I’ve put my best foot forward, at the end of the day I’m going to disappoint her.”

Eventually, you start internalizing all these limiting beliefs and negative self-talk. You might be right in some cases but you’re probably wrong more often than you think though. The truth that I’ve learned over the years, dozens and dozens of women later, is that your performance anxiety depends on one thing: the woman.

There are two types of women that you should concern yourself with when it comes to performance anxiety: 

• Experienced women such as your wife, your long-term girlfriend, women who have been with many men, or women who have been married in the past
• Less experienced woman, such as a younger girl who hasn’t had sex with many men

How do these two women differ?

Experienced Women

Most men who are concerned about their performance anxiety are with women who are experienced. They’re thinking of their wife or their long-term girlfriend or even the casual one night stand. Here’s the thing, though: experienced women tend to be less concerned with your performance anxiety. 

Think about it this way. If this woman is experienced, she’s already been with multiple men. She’s had all kinds of sex with different men prior to you. This means it’s not the first time she’s dealt with a man not being able to get it up.

Another thing about experienced women is they’ve been with men who have all different penis sizes. This is important to note because men like us who struggle with pornography have a warped understanding of penis size. We think it matters more than it really does. But your experienced partner is with you for a reason, meaning she’s already interested in and likes what you’re working with. 

Finally, experienced women understand that sex isn’t always going to be great. There are times where someone’s mind is in a different place. Some days one of you isn’t that into it. The same is true for one night stands, usually more often than not. It’s extremely rare for the sex to be that great.

Women with experience know all of these things. They realize that sex isn’t always going to be the best and that you not being able to get an erection isn’t the biggest deal. They’ve been in the position before and know it’s not necessarily something to do with them.

Inexperienced Women

The case is a bit different for inexperienced women. Sure, they’ve met or even dated several guys but they haven’t actually had sex with many of them. Maybe they got married when they were young, recently got divorced, and are just now getting back out into the dating scene. 

I’ve tried hooking up with women like this during my reboot period, too. There were times I wasn’t able to perform because I was still rewiring my brain. I found these inexperienced women were far more likely to be judgmental than the experienced women.

It’s usually because these inexperienced women still deal with a lot of insecurity. Many of them aren’t comfortable with their sexuality yet and tend to blame themselves. These women think you can’t get it up because you don’t find them attractive. They don’t yet realize that men aren’t able to perform all of the time. 

At the same time, they’re blaming themselves, you’re also blaming yourself. You know the real reason for your struggles but you can’t explain this to her. Women who are inexperienced and blaming themselves tend to lash out at you instead. They point the blame at you to protect themselves from feeling hurt.

What Can You Do About It?

Don’t worry – there are some things you can do to deal with your performance anxiety. This is especially true and important for men who are married or in long-term relationships. Try out these things and see if any of them help with your performance anxiety or porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED).

1. Get your testosterone levels checked

You first need to get your testosterone levels checked. 9 times out of 10, the men I work with find their testosterone levels are low. Tons of men are walking around with the levels of an 80-year old man; of course you’re going to have some performance issues. Get your levels checked and then talk with your doctor about how to get them back to normal levels.

2. Control your behavior with pornography

Your testosterone levels contribute to the problem but the main issue stems from your pornography addiction. If you weren’t addicted to watching pornography you wouldn’t have as hard of a time with your performance. You need to control your compulsive behaviors with porn and masturbation because they’re only going to keep the problem going.

3. Adjust your mindset

Listen, realize that if you’re with a long-term partner like your wife or girlfriend, she already likes you. This woman is invested in and cares about you. Your performance anxiety probably doesn’t affect your relationship as much as your response to your anxiety. That’s what’s really affecting your relationship. You need to adjust your mindset surrounding your PIED as you work on it.

4. Focus on foreplay

If you’re still early in your reboot and know you’re going to have a hard time getting an erection, focus on foreplay. Spend time focusing on foreplay and it’ll give you more opportunities to reach the point where you can perform. Even if you aren’t able to get there, though, you and your partner can still have a fun time with foreplay.

Dealing with Your Anxiety

So that’s it today, brothers. Remember, experienced women aren’t going to worry as much about your performance anxiety as you do. They’ve been in the situation multiple times before. It’s only going to be as big of a deal as you make it out to be.

With inexperienced women, their judgment often comes from their own insecurities. They’re worried you don’t find them attractive and don’t realize that men not being able to perform is a pretty common thing from time to time.

That doesn’t mean the ball is completely out of your court, though. You need to start by doing the four things I mentioned above as you start to get a grip on your performance anxiety and PIED. It’s going to take time, patience, and practice to get back to normal levels. You can still go out and have a good time as you’re rebooting if that doesn’t send you back into a spiral of out-of-control behavior.